Posted Tuesday, January 03, 2012 11:44 AM
I don't like thinking of myself as hormonal. I think I am extremely rational and realistic and honest. So I won't lower myself and blame these emotions on hormones. I think he just sucks! He/Him = the man formerly referred to as my honey.
He is so CLUELESS!! I honestly don't know what he thinks or IF he thinks. He seems so laid back and carefree given everything that has gone on. How can he be? Even if he is, a little consideration would be nice. It would be nice of him to check on me every once in a while. Ask how I'm really feeling. Ask if I need to talk about anything. Ask if I'm nervous about the D&C scheduled for tomorrow. Ask something!! Instead he's been hanging out with his brother and friends like nothing has changed.
But you know what? Maybe nothing has changed. At the end of all of this, was his life really affected? He started off with 2 kids and he's ending with 2 kids. He didn't have to deal with the daily reality of pregnancy, I did. He didn't have to start thinking about long-term matters (money, parenting, health, etc.), I did. All that is my domain. He didn't have to do anything but miss a few hours of work to take me to the doctor. His eating habits didn't change. He didn't piss a damn river every 2 minutes. He didn't vomit at the slightest whiff of meat. I did. And even if he does feel remorse or sadness, he can always say "Wow, how thankful I am for my 2 living children who are the light of my life. I will cherish them more today than I ever did." I don't get to say that. What I DO get to do is want to cringe when I'm trying to lean on him for support and they jump all over him, inflicting some sort of physical pain on me in the process.
His thoughtlessness, inconsideration, lack of regard for my well being and other factors that I can't name so nicely at the moment are making me think that maybe he isn't the one for me. I think I'm going to write a post and see if this is a common thing that guys go through or if I'm the lucky one.
argh!
I'm so pissed
Posted Tuesday, January 03, 2012 11:18 AM
It's been a while. I didn't think I'd be back on this blog for a while but I did write in my "about this blog" that it was to chronicle my experiences from the day of my BFP until. Until when? I'm sure I assumed until the day I gave birth, but now that "until" has taken on a new meaning.
I miscarried. How could that happen?!! What went wrong??!! Why didn't I know??!!! Was it my fault???? uh It's like a kick in the throat. Or maybe I want to be kicked in the throat.
So I had my appointment on Dec. 28 and there was still no hearbeat and I was still measuring at 6weeks. So, miscarriage. So for the most part I'm okay now. I had a rough few days, but I'm managing. I think as long as I continue to think that it wasn't me, it was some chromosomal abnormality that I couldn't control, I'll be okay. I would like to have genetic testing done. I'm not sure if that's standard or how much it would cost but I'm definitely going to ask about it.
(I think this is going to be long)
It's crazy to feel so high one minute (I mean high, like above the clouds, over the moon, don't even know where down is high) and then feel like you don't even want to wake up the next minute. I could just see July in my mind. I could see my nursery all decked out. I could see the cosleeper by my bed and I could see my honey cooing over our little us. I could just feel myself getting hot in the summer from being fat and just plain hot. I could feel the kicks and pokes. I could see the smiles on my mom's, brother's, sister's, niece's faces. It was so real. And to now know that that won't happen... It sucks!! I just want to scream!!!!! I knew I was pregnant for 5 weeks. That may not seem like a long time but my world was changing. My eating habits changed. My sleep patterns changed. My clothes changed. My perception of myself changed. The way I saw my family changed. My leisure time habits changed - I found this site and lost myself in it for hours at a time. I changed. And now to have to forget all of that. To have to go back to just being me. Like, who wants that? I felt like I had a purpose or a reason to wake up in the morning (or to keep sleeping as was often the case). I felt needed. I finally had something to do. Something to look forward to. And in an instant it was all snatched! I didn't just lose a baby, I feel like I lost my life. The life that I've always wanted for myself. It just sucks.
Thankfully we hadn't told too many people so at least I can make a smooth transition to normalcy. I don't want people looking at me all weird or having to watch what they say around me. I just want to keep moving. I go back to work in a week and some of the office staff know but that should be easy enough to manage. (Should l even discuss how ALL of my students are pregnant and I'll have to watch them...grrrrrr. I won't go there. It's a dark place. I won't judge them. I won't envy them. Anyway, their experience will be so different from mine - or what mine would have been. I can cope. I can deal. I'll feel pity. Is that acceptable? To feel pity for the lives they are bringing into the world? Their kids won't know the true love of 2 responsible parents who considered them long before they were here, who worked and sacrificed to provide the best life for them, who are prepared to raise them to become intelligent, responsible and independent people. My baby doesn't know that either. So in a way, it's the same. I'm cool.)
So there's my emotional rant. I feel another one coming on that isn't so nice so I will move now to a new post.
stay tuned
Posted Wednesday, December 21, 2011 7:45 PM
So I had my first doctor's appointment last Thursday and I mentioned to my doctor that I was spotting but it wasn't red. His nurse told me to contact her if it continued. So I contacted her on Monday because I was still spotting - some brown, some darker. She thought it would be a good idea for me to have an ultrasound today. I was hoping and praying that everything would be fine - maybe a torn something or a pulled something. Instead, during the ultrasound the tech said instead of measuring 8 weeks 4 days, I was measuring 6 weeks 1 day. No heartbeat (but that's not unusual if I am actually 6 weeks). But how could I be 6 weeks?
That would mean that I got my positive pregnancy test during the week I conceived. How likely is that? Or I could have miscarried 2 weeks ago. But I've had all of my symptoms. I don't get sick as much but I thought that was because I eat regularly and do everything right. My boobs are just as sore, I sleep just as much, and if I do mess up my eating, I heave and vomit all the same. Is that usual - to continue experiencing morning sickness after a miscarriage?
I don't want to tell my family until after Christmas. No sense in worrying everyone. Plus the doctor seems fairly assured that next week will be better for us. We will be able to tell if the calculations are off or if I have miscarried. These next 7 days will be a mess. I'm just going to try to stay in the Christmas spirit and keep my hopes and spirits (and prayers) up.
Well, until I learn otherwise "Today I am pregnant and I LOVE MY BABY."
(Hoping God hears my prayers.)
Posted Saturday, December 17, 2011 8:12 PM
At my doctor's appointment, Dr. C asked if I'd be getting an epidural. I thought that was weird considering I'm 32 weeks away from labor. Why would he need to know in advance? Well, I decided to watch "The Business of Being Born"; it was recommended to me by a friend. After seeing that, I'm not too sure that I want an epidural. Don't get me wrong, I'll have one if I NEED one, but I'd like to go about it on my own first before deciding prematurely to do it. After watching the movie, I'm also nervous about having my labor induced. Geesh. So much to consider.
Anyway while I was doing research, I also ran across Attachment Parenting. I had no idea what it was so I researched it. Here it is, explained in 7B's:
1. birth bonding
2. breastfeeding
3. baby wearing
4. bedding close to baby
5. belief in...baby's cry
6. beware of baby trainers
7. balance
Can anybody say "love"?! I love it! I'm going to try it out. I don't plan to be an Attachment Nazi (excuse the term) but I would like to incorporate these principles as much as I can. Birth bonding seems ideal (come lay on my chest and stay there, little baby).
I'd always thought that I'd be a breast pumper, but now that I'm actually prego, I'm thinking that I'll at least try breastfeeding. So, I'll start in the hospital and hope all goes well. I don't intend to do formula unless I have no other option. If breastfeeding is a bust, then I'll stick a bottle full of my milk in my poopie's mouth! I've also been thinking that I may bottle feed during the day (so I can get help from family) and breastfeed at night. I've heard a bit about nipple confusion so I plan to look that up now.
Baby wearing, check! I think it's super cute. Wear the baby around the house = awesome!
Bedding close, yep! I've been thinkng a lot about sleep set ups. I think I want a crib for the nursery (just because this may be my only baby so I'm going all out!), a pack and play for family visits and for use in later months, and some type of co-sleeper for the first few weeks/months. Now, I don't know if I'll use the co-sleeper that actually rests in the bed because my Honey sleeps like a bear and rolls over anything in his way! But I have heard of some type of bed that attaches to the bed or sits very close to it. Then I could put that on my side of the bed and be able to reach over and touch my pookie-pie.
So much to do, so I have to stop blogging now and start researching! This is the best!!!!!
Today I'm hoping for a girl so we can dress alike! But I also think a little boy with twists in his hair would be adorable! (Did I mention that I'm not going to learn the baby's sex? I'll just wait for the big day!)
Internet's EDD: July 26
Doctor's EDD: July 28
Posted Friday, December 16, 2011 7:13 PM
Yesterday was my birthday. It was also the day of my first prenatal appointment. I was so excited even though nothing "exciting" happened. I talked to a nurse, answered questions, answered the same questions again and finally met with my current doctor, Dr. C. He's been my gynecologist for about 3 years now, so he was an easy choice. I didn't realize how anxious and crazy I'd be once pregnant. Now the wait time seems too long. The nurses seem too detached. There are so many doctors in his office, so many receptionists, nurses, and other people not to mention the patients! I feel lost. Forgotten. So next Thursday I'll be meeting with a new doctor, Dr. R. He has his own practice and I think there may only 1 other doctor in his practice. I feel like I may need a more intimate setting, so we'll see. I'm really excited. I suppose another deciding factor will be cost. My insurance covers everything at Dr. C's office; I hope it's the same way with Dr. R.
I also have my first ultrasound scheduled for Jan. 6. It's to test for risk factors for Down's Syndrome, so I think of it as a double treat: I get to see my little pea and I get to assusage my concerns about the health of my pookie-pie. My honey wants to tell his family about the pregnancy at Christmas. Sure I told my mom and siblings, but that was for moral support. I think we should tell his family either after the ultrasound or at the 4 month mark (end of Jan). I know that Christmas is such a happy time, but I'd rather not "jump the gun"...just in case. We'll see.
At the doctor, I got a lot of reading material. I can't find the time to read though. Can't read at work with all of my critters looking over my shoulder. Can't read at home because we've decided to wait to tell his kids. So I try to read in the bathroom, but I can't concentrate the way I want to. Or write notes. One thing I did manage to read about was the pregnancy course offerings. I've tentatively scheduled 5 classes! I told my honey and he fake cried and asked for a compromise! LoL We decided that he should attend the class on breastfeeding (new ground for him) and Lamaaze classes (also new ground). I'll do the others with my sister, I suppose. She'll love it!
Well, just wanted to give an update. Oh, I threw up my birthday dinner, but it was worth it because it was so good going in! And here is a name I like today:
Logan Janea (girl)
Now that I'm going to the doctor, things seem more real. So excited that I could just fall asleep. So that's what I'll do!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo hugging and kissing my baby
Posted Sunday, December 11, 2011 10:08 AM
I've recently joined Pinterest. I'm so excited about all of the arts and crafts activities I've found. I'm ready to start decorating the kids' rooms (10f and 8m) for Christams and just adding on to the house - not necessarily holiday related decorations.
My Honey is probably the sweetest in the world. I know he's not too interested in the daily activities in my uterus so I try not to overwhelm him, butn whenever I do decide to tell him something, he's very attentive and excited. I'm excited that he's planning to attend all appointments with me without my having to suggest it. He also wakes up super early every morning to warm my car for me. I love it! It would be even better if he noticed the gas gauge and filled my tank when necessary, but I'm thankful for the small miracles.
I decided today that I'm going to start working out. Since I don't usually work out, I'm thinking that I'll start small. Maybe 5 minutes every day this month (stretching, 5 minute walk, stretching). Then move to 10 minute walks in January and work my way to 30 minutes of exercise every day.
I also think I want to attend classes - prenatal yoga, Lamaze (is that how you spell it?), Bringing Home Baby classes (I made that title up), etc. I'm super excited about that.
But the most important thing on my mind right now is MONEY! I want to sit down with a calculator and a spreadsheet and map out every dollar for the next 7 months. I want to make sure I have enough money to buy the baby necessities and I also want enough money to have cash for unexpected purchases once the baby comes.
Baby Names that I like today:
Ethan Michael
Ryann Janea
Posted Thursday, December 08, 2011 5:40 PM
It's only taken 3 weeks, but I've finally gotten a handle on my m/s.
Rules:
1. Do not wake up and start moving right away! Instead, I wake up, eat some yogurt or crackers, watch TV for a few minutes, then step out of bed.
2. Do not eat meat unless it's chicken. I won't tell you how many times I threw up various types of meat before I finally accepted this.
3. Keep food at work! I'm notorious for forgetting to pack breakfast or lunch but now that I'm pregnant, it's a If my stomach feels like it's almost about to maybe get empty, I start heaving. So, lightbulb moment, I bought dry cereal, fresh fruit and crackers and stored them in my desk and in the office fridge. I should consider buying a fridge for my classroom...
4. Take prenatal vitamins with a meal. Again, how many times did I have to throw up to learn that lesson. Tragedy.
5. Sleep
6. Don't talk too much or move too fast. Both lead to vomiting.
That's it. As long as I follow these simple-ish steps, I'll be fine. It's taken a while to figure this all out but I appreciate the smooth sailing these days.
Posted Monday, December 05, 2011 8:51 PM
So this is the waiting game. I can only imagine how bad this will get later on. I feel like I should be delivering already! Who wants to wait another 7 months? Really?
I've gotten my morning sickness under control. I'm fine as long as I'm eating all day, every day. I usually have yogurt, dry cereal, and water for breakfast, chips and some actual meal for lunch, and so many snacks that I'm embarassed to write them all between lunch and dinner. I just have to make sure that I don't move around a lot aftger I eat because it makes me heave.
Well I just fell asleep sitting up in bed, so it's time for me to call it a night.