re: Q: Partner is unsure?

Talk it through..  and be glad that your husband is taking the decision so seriously - he'll be a far better father for it.  

Posted by DeeDM    Sunday, May 04, 2008 5:18 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I wrote a pro and con list for both of us to add to. it helped us talk about his fears and my needs. im still not sure if he wants to go through with it. but i really hope he does, there is nothing I would love more than to have a child with the perfect man for me. he would be an excellent father, an excellent provider and a great partner and coach. hes just like the sensitive strong guys right out of the movies, that every girl hopes for. hes a dream come true, a prayer answered. i just hope he will allow me to carry his baby.

Posted by celicagamer    Tuesday, June 10, 2008 8:53 AM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

Wow. Took the words right out of my brain, NP.

Posted by buckeyebride04    Wednesday, July 02, 2008 3:48 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

My DH was the same exact way.  He flip flopped all the time.  He would say yes, it's time.  Then when we're friends, he'd say, no, it's too soon or make comments about their baby crying and say something like "I'm not ready for that".  But I recognized that he would only say those things when we were with other people.  I knew in my heart he really wants  to have a baby but finds it's the macho think to say otherwise.  Long story short, I found out I am pregnant yesterday (sort of unplanned but can't really say that when you don't use anything!!) and he is excited and telling his friends faster than I am.  He starts with "I'm going to be a Dad", which I think is so adorable and makes know he is ready.

Posted by mimjus3244    Saturday, July 05, 2008 6:18 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

My husband is the same. When we are alone he gives me a lot of hints, he even has names picked up, but when there are people he is like "what baby, I don't want any baby". But he told me in private that when I decide that is time, he is ready.

Posted by snookie28    Sunday, July 13, 2008 9:44 AM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

You are definately not alone on this.  I have decided that babies and the thought of being responsible for another human being scares them to death.  They don't have a biological clock ticking or have the nurturing motherly feeling pulling at their soul letting them know that they are ready.  Just like everything else, once it the baby is here he will see that everything is perfect and there is not a thing that he would change.  My bother-in-law was the same exact way and I am dealing with the same thing with my husband now.  But my b-i-l would tell you that he wished he would of listened to my sister earlier and agreed to have babies sooner then they did.  Everything will work out for the best.

Posted by plburns    Tuesday, July 29, 2008 10:12 AM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

We are in the same boat.  I am ready to have a baby but my husband is not. We had a timeline that we both agreed on - to start trying in June.  June came and went and he says he's still not ready.  He doesn't know how long he'll need.  It's frustrating!

Posted by vienna728    Monday, August 04, 2008 12:32 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

We planned on starting this month. It's been a year-long-plan and he was never excited. I thought that maybe he was going to change his mind or that he didn't want to do it. Even in July I asked him what would be the big deal of starting in July he said "30 days" and I thought that I was freaking him out. Well, August rolled around and he is ready to go, just like he said. He is asking me when it's going to be time and even cancelling trips so we can make sure and do the deed then.

Posted by catholic-bride    Thursday, August 07, 2008 11:20 AM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I have been going through the same thing with my husband. I finally had a long talk with him and he said that he believes that we are not ready right now and he does not want to talk about it and cannot get excited about it because its not happening. He said once we get a few things payed off and our savings built back up then we can start trying next year. I am fine with that but I just worried that he didn't want a baby at all but he said made sense to me after we talked about it!

Posted by cOrDsWiFe9206    Thursday, August 14, 2008 2:32 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I am kind of nervous about this topic too.. my husband has a son that he didn't plan on in another relationship that he takes care of financially, but he has never actually seen his 5 year old son in person... this bothers me and kind of makes me not want to have kids anymore anyway... Most days I go back

Posted by little mrs harris    Monday, August 25, 2008 2:58 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

Im in the same boat. My insides are just screaming at me. I want a baby so bad. When i go to the store i end up walking through the baby section and it makes me so sad. My husband and I have been married for 2 years and he thinks we need to wait until we have saved more money. I dont want to push him at all but im hoping he will change his mind.

Posted by bluemoon588@yahoo.com    Tuesday, August 26, 2008 8:53 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I'm so glad someone asked this question!  I'm so confused because my husband has always said he wants to wait a year before we start trying.  I was ok with that for about 6 months, but now, I really want to have a baby.  He still says stuff like "we agreed on a year", and "I'm not ready for THAT!".  Comments like those make me feel like he doesn't want one at all, but a few weeks ago, we had a "scare" for lack of a better word.  I don't think that I am, but I think it's too early to tell.  Last night in bed he said he would be happy if I were pregnant, but it just doesn't seem to line up with his previous comments.  Sure I hear the baby screaming in the grocery store, and I'm relieved sometimes that that's not my kid, but at the same time, I wish it were, and I just don't know if my husband is really going to be happy, or if he'll still hold it over my head that we were going to wait a year.    Don't get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful man.  I couldn't have asked for better, and he's so supportive of me, but I don't want him making a statement that he's going to be happy if the only reason that he's happy is because he's kind of forced to be, since you can't really reverse a pregnancy.  Am I making sense?

Posted by EmilyRae    Wednesday, September 03, 2008 9:01 AM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I'm going through the same thing with my husband.  His excuse is money...seems like that's going around here, too.  We decided to see how we are financially in January and take it from there.  My husband's fear is that I'll gain alot of weight and not be able to lose it.  Superficial, I know, but that's how he is.

Posted by Mere222    Thursday, September 11, 2008 9:34 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

So... I guess I am the odd one on here... I am the unsure one.  My hubby's been ready for about a year now to start trying, and I'm not yet.  

We've been married now for just over 3 1/2 years and back when we got married we agreed on 5 years... so now he's ready sooner and of course I'm going "we had a plan!!!!"  So I am totally a planner, and I HATE it when my plan gets messed up, but that's not what this is.  I don't even have those twinges when I see babies yet!  Don't get me wrong, I love kids; I just like to give them back to their parents when they get grumpy!  

I definitely want a baby someday, but right now, the only thought in my head when I see a baby is "oh, so cute, but sooo much responsibility!" (Yes, it does scare the heck out of me…I think that’s good though, realistic!)  

All my family/friends think I am crazy and of course I get lots of questions about whether I “REALLY” want kids at all... no one seems to get that I am just not there YET.   You know, they ask, I think “it’s none of your damn business!” but I’m nice anyway and try to explain that I’d like to be a bit more financially secure, I’d like to get down to optimal baby weight, etc, but everyone argues with me!  I swear if I hear one more person give me the, "well, you’re never REALLY ready… (financially/ ideal weight/ etc... BLAH BLAH)" comment I will scream.  Wanting to be a little more financially sound is a good reason to wait, right?!?  I mean, yes, we own a home, we have a savings account and we both have good jobs; but I want to pay off some bills and such first, plus I want to give my child the very best that I can afford, so I want to have some more cash in the bank...  

I’m 26 years old, not out of prime baby making years by any stretch, but I can’t count how many people have told me I’m getting old!  Seriously!?!  

Of course, back to DH,(who gets all sappy every time there is a baby around- it’s very cute ) I feel so guilty not being able to give him what he wants… there are lots of things I can compromise on, but this isn’t a thing where you can meet in the middle, you know?  Like so many of you are saying, you don’t want to force the DH, because he may end up resenting you/ baby… I’m not afraid I’ll resent him or our child; I just can’t rush this…

I’m even starting to think there is something wrong with me!  Most women talk about the clock starting to tick… I’m starting to worry mine’s broken!

What do you all think, am I totally whacked?  

Posted by tkkpsing    Monday, September 15, 2008 6:15 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

Like most I'm in a similiar situation. I have PCOS and was told by a few Dr's if I wanted to have kids do it now cause my ovaries are going down hill. My husband and I have planned on waiting for another few years because we wanted to be more financially sound, but I've been told in another few years I should plan on being done having children and probably have a hysterictomy to avoid ovarian cancer and other complications. We've been together 10 years and married for a little over 1 and never been pregnant so it really worries me that ttc is going to be a long process. We're young and I know he's scared, I've been mentioning "baby stuff" a little at a time to get him comfortable with the idea and now he will actually bring up having a baby so I definitely think that's progress.

Good luck to you!

Posted by TTCinOC    Wednesday, September 17, 2008 5:40 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I've got to ask- what makes all of you feel like you are ready? I went through a stage years before getting married where I felt like I wanted a baby so that I had a purpose in life and someone to love and need me but I got over that when I moved in with my now-husband. Now I don't know. I know that we want them someday and he wants to wait until we're better off financially but how much money is enough? I don't think I'll ever feel like its something I need because my life is so full of other things. We do want a family though and I like the idea of the everyday challenge. I don't know, we've never had a plan. How do you come up with one? If someone could actaully get back to me about this it would be much appreciated.

Posted by simplesara    Friday, September 19, 2008 11:16 AM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

My husband and I are going through the same situation. We've been married for six years. It was always something, when we: have more money; buy a house; get that new job. Well, like I said, six years later we have a lot of money saved, I went to school and changed careers, and we bought a great house. I'm 30, and he ran out of excuses. He now just told me he's scared to death to be responsible for a baby. So, now we know what we need to do. We need to talk about it, visit our supportive friends who have kids, and know that we will never be absolutely ready to have a baby! It's a learning process.

Posted by maxine1    Thursday, September 25, 2008 11:55 AM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I am just happy to hear that I am not the only one in this situation. I do agree on how much is enough money, when is the time right...  I do want to have a baby and he wants to wait. I think that both parties should agree together to have a baby. It should be a happy and joyous time for both parents to be. I just wish he would hurry up!!

Posted by nottheusual    Tuesday, October 07, 2008 12:42 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I had the same problem. I don't know how many nights I spent crying because I was ready and he wasn't. It was an endless battle. He would keep setting time markers for when we could start and as soon as one started to get close he'd come up with another excuse. Finally I told myself children weren't going to happen and I had to decide weather this was a deal breaker or not. In the mean time our friends had their baby and put all my "baby wanting energy" into him. I didn't talk about it anymore, I didn't bring it up anymore with my husband; The conversation dead...until I found out I was pregnant! The truth is it happened @ the perfect time. Two night before I found out, my husband said out of the blue, "I'm ready".  

Just try so so hard to be patient and in your heart when it's right, when it'll work best, god will remember you.

Posted by AMMurphy    Sunday, October 12, 2008 12:22 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

Seems to be a common theme.  I have had the "baby urge" for a while and my husband has had the "we must plan urge"  It's funny, I'm usually the planner but my heart has taken over on this one.  Our issue is that the time and circumstances never seem to be right.  He is in graduate school and I work 50-60 hours a week, I would have to go back to work for us to be financially comfortable (the thought kills me)...We have talked about when we can start trying but I usually end up crying and he ends up frustrated.  His main feeling is that he wants to be able to provide and be available for me and a baby-I totally get that but I have a hard time being patient with that.  I know that it will happen when it's supposed to I just wish it was now.

Posted by Jen190    Tuesday, October 14, 2008 11:25 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

My husband needs a little push. Not all husbands are the same, but I told him my expectations, and he was still unsure, but I think the whole sex without a condom was what won him over in the end! Now I am pregnant, and the morning I told him, I actually got a smile! I was so happy to see that, because it happen to be the same day his mom died, only a year later. When we went to visit her grave, I whispered "Thank you!" to her. I think she had a hand in it because we had been playing russian roulette for 4 months with nothing to show but one missed period and three negative tests.

Posted by Jennywren82@gmail.com    Wednesday, October 15, 2008 8:17 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I'm on the opposite side also of this issue. My husband and I have been married for 4 months now but we have been together 5 years. We had agreed to waiting almost 5 years before we started having kids. He's 25 and I'm 22.  He freaked out a little over turning 25. We have just recently moved from Texas *our lifetime home* to Pennsylvania and now it's just us here. It took three months for me to finally get to Pennsylvania and I have been here two weeks and all my DH has talked about is a baby.

I'm a little freaked out about it! He rubs my tummy and talks about a baby. He has a wonderful job which allows me to be a "stay at home nothing" since we dont have any kids but I don't feel we are in any place to have a baby. We still own a house back in Texas that we have not sold yet due to the economy.

I dont want to hurt his feelings but I'm just not ready.

Posted by KateAndMark    Sunday, October 19, 2008 8:58 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I'm so glad there are others out there! I had some big plans that I wanted to accomplish before kids (mainly moving to a big city and living it up) so we were on a 5 year plan. But my big city plan has not come to fruition and at this point I'm not sure when it will. We both have good jobs and just bought a great house, which keeps us where we are for the next several years. The city we are in and especially the neighborhood is a great family-raising area. And lately I've wanted to start trying sooner than the 5 years we originally talked about. But it seemed like every time I would bring up the issue he'd get defensive and we'd ALWAYS end up in a huge fight. It really bothered me for awhile because I felt like he didn't want to have kids at all. I wish men had a biological clock sometimes because he is 34 and I'm 28 ... so yes, I still have time, but I sometimes want to say "But YOU'RE getting old!" He always responds with "But that doesn't matter!" Ugh, men!

But we have sat down - on numerous ocassions - and discussed it. And he really just wasn't ready NOW. As everyone else said, money is always a factor. He'd prefer to save a little more. But honestly, it all works out in the end and you can never be truly financially prepared for a child. But there were a lot of things that freaked him out and I needed to hear those and listen to him. He has a right to an opinion too and the first step to getting past this hurdle is to talk it out. Even if you end up fighting - keep coming back to it. Eventually you will be able to discuss it without fighting. And through these talks we finally settled on a timeline - we would start next September 2009. So he has a date in his head and that's all he needs to be comfortable with it. Now we can talk very freely about kids - names we like, etc. and it doesn't freak him out. I think he just needed to know that there was a timeline - a date in the future when we would start trying. He told me that before we did that he always thought I meant "right now" and that just freaked him out. So just talk it out. Ask him what would make him comfortable. Tell him what you would like as well. And hopefully you will find some middle ground.

I am very happy for this post because it makes me feel better that my husband is not the only one with cold feet!!!

Posted by sharethevision    Monday, October 20, 2008 3:36 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

Well, whether he is sure or not, you should see your gynocologist to be sure you have a lot of time to think it over.  I could have saved myself a lot of grief and anxiety is I had gotten the exams and basic blood tests over with before I even started to try to get pregnant.  They like people to wait until they've been trying for a year before those tests, but if I could go back, I'd insist on them upfront.  I don't have nearly the time I thought I did.

Posted by marjchaos    Saturday, October 25, 2008 10:02 AM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

Marjchaos, What tests are you talking about? I am nervous about time myself.

Posted by nottheusual    Sunday, October 26, 2008 7:46 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I started out more like most of the husbands described here, and my husband (then my fiance) acted more like the wife.  I wasn't ready to get married until we had been engaged nearly 7 years.  BTW - we got engaged 1 week after meeting each other for the first time.  I warned him it would be a LONG engagement.

As soon as we got engaged, he started talking wedding and babies.  I just wasn't ready for that!  I had no need to get married - and NO desire for children, not then, maybe never.  

Over the following years, we grew and developed both as individuals and as a couple.  After about 6 1/2 years, I was suddenly ready to get married.  Like a cooked turkey with a popped timer, I just knew. We had a beautiful wedding and we are so happy together : )

Over the past 2 1/2 years (even before getting married), my body started demanding  a pregnancy.  Every time I saw a baby, I would feel my uterus start beating - like it had it's own heart - very freaky.  "I" wasn't ready for a baby, but my body was.  It's only gotten stronger over time, like a bad itch you can't scratch!

Now that we've been married for 6 months (and together more than 7 years), I am finally won over - I want a baby!  The problem is that when I kept refusing to get pregnant before, I convinced my husband that we weren't ready --- on a mostly financial and professional basis (though I was also very scared and not ready in any other way).  He is still sticking to those arguments I used ---- and it's frustrating.  

He thinks we are ready in every way but financially, which is true.  I'm writing my thesis to finish grad school part-time, and our jobs barely make ends meet.  But I will be finished in 2 months, and I WANT A BABY NOW!!  It's  hard to make him understand (as he lacks the hormones and drives), but also because I never let him know that I've had this urge for nearly 3 years.

We've started talking about it, and we're making headway.  I've been on birthcontrol since I was 14 to control heavy periods, and we've always had unprotected sex.  At this point, I feel that if we beat the odds and wind up pregnant on birth control after 7 years, that it was meant to happen.

Otherwise, I will be waiting a while : (

Posted by DameHazzard    Wednesday, October 29, 2008 8:54 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

my husband and I were not quite in the same situation. We talked about having children but we both could take it or leave it. Then when I turned 39, I felt if we were gonna do it, it was gonna be now or never. DH said he was too old to do it and we need to move on from it. I was hurt but felt sort of the same way. Then 5 mos later, accidently became pregnant. He freaked out for quite a few weeks. I was an emotional mess because he was freaking out. But, here we are with a precious 9 month old who we are completely in love with! DH is more like the mom than I am LOL. I was worried about how he would treat us once the baby arrived but Christopher is the joy of his life! And get this ladies... He wants to TTC next spring! Who would've thought....

Posted by PunkyChris2008    Friday, October 31, 2008 10:29 AM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

This is a great post, I have recently felt the bug.  Like most of you, I had a five year plan.  My husband and I have been together for 5 years now and married for a year and a half.  I have completed college and graduate school, however, my husband is not due to finish until next summer because he also served as a Marine in the military.  I feel like things are falling together (he is going to be graduating and we plan to buy a house next year) but I know we're not ready yet financially.  My problem is I don't know how to make "the feeling" go away.  For starters, I worker with children and babies, and everyone I know is preggers; my best friend, my boss, my cousins.  Somehow I think it might come sooner than the original 5 year plan, but does anyone have any suggestions on how to distract myself? The funny thing is that we have talked about it and he feels the same way (waiting on settled finances and jobs) but otherwise he is ready too.  

Also, as a side note, my mom had children young, and keeps putting pressure on me to wait.  Seriously, she constantly nags about it for no reason, like when I was a teen, she repeatedly said "just say no!" to sex and drugs.  (She like that commercial) haha... any suggestions on what to say to her without being rude or hurting her feelings? Does anyone else have this problem?

Posted by lilcinmc    Wednesday, December 10, 2008 8:19 PM

re: Q: Partner is unsure?

I have this same problem...My mom got pregnant with me at 16. She keeps telling me over and over I am to young to be a grandma. I finally told her look that really is not my fault. I am getting pressures i have a baby and pressures to wait. My mother in law wants a grandbaby.

Here is the thing I have been doing the same things some of you have making excuses. The truth is you will never truly be ready for parenthood. You will  never be ready financially.  My clock is ticking like crazy I have been on birth control for 7 years. My husband and I have been together 3 years and just got married but have lived together 2 1/2. I know it is soon. I graduate in May. I already have a steady job working for a CPA.  Unfortunately I will always have debt i.e. student loans, so that is not an excuse for me. My husband is really pushing me to have a baby he is 3 years older than me and he is beyond ready.

In the end, I really want a baby in my heart. However there is always an excuse. We decided to let God decide for us and get off the birth control and live our lives like we normally do without going an extra mile to get pregnant and see what happens.

Posted by AMD223    Monday, January 19, 2009 1:12 PM