I don't understand why you would choose to have a baby now with so much going on in a family filled with huge raw wounds and cracks that need to be repaired.

Since you are pgm of course you should include your SS in the Christmas card.  You can't take your anger out on a 4 year old.  You also seem to minimize your H's involvement in this story.   

My husband just recently contacted another attorney, the fourth, and she said we have to wait a certain amount of time and refile for custody in this county, that way it would be out of BM's and BM's family's reach of influence and with a new judge. 

OH MY GOD yes, BM is a nut. She has a lot of issues. She is gay, but very closeted, and seems to hate the world and anyone else that is happy because she cannot be happy and live the life she really wants to live because she is not willing to come out. She relies on her parents for EVERYTHING, lives in their guest house behind them, drives their car, they pay her bills, and she serial dates men to keep up the facade that she is straight. My husband did not know this when he became one of her victims, broke up with her for other reasons, and then two months later she came to him and said she was pregnant. He married her because MIL told him to, for the child, MIL did not know what she really was either. They divorced because DH found out and walked away full of regret.

BM's method of dealing with the issues SS has is to bribe and baby him and NEVER be a parent. The one time she did discipline him, we still don't know the whole story, is when I got blamed for it. She had him a full week and sent him back to my DH with bruises on his butt. The second she dropped him off she called it in and called her cop friend and lied and said I did it to cover her own rear because she knew when we saw it we would turn her in. She beat us to the punch and made allegations against me before we could call it in on her. She called it in in the county she lives, not where we did, or where I worked. It was a classic he said/she said. CPS said the child was not old enough to be considered credible, so the story he gave could not be confirmed because BM denied and we had no proof. The child told the worker and DH that his mom did it because she got mad at him for kicking his cousin in the face. So, what we think is he had one of his fits down there and hurt his cousin and she lost it and spanked him to hard, with a belt, and when the bruises hadn't faded and it was time to send him back to DH, she got scared and desperate and used the old "wicked stepmother" stereotype and pinned it on me.

Also, another referral we made separate from all of this, this past summer, DH's dad picked the child up and he disclosed to him that BM's BF's children held him down and stuck stuff up his butt. Again, another referral, and another unconfirmed finding, because just like everything else BM sugar coated, denied, lied, and said it was just us making things up. And before u ask, yes, DH took him to the doctor, had all the appropriate exams done, took him to a child advocacy center, had a forensic interview done, and the child refused to disclose it again. The medical reports showed tearing and abrasions, but BM was able to shed doubt onto that even by saying that he gets extremely constipated and that could be why he was irritated, that or he did something to himself. Anything but the truth because that would mean she would have to take responsibility.  

bosmomndad:

Thanks FELLESFERIE. It is extremely toxic. I would NEVER, I don't care how wonderful and lovely everything seems, ever, ever, ever, recommend anyone date or marry a man who has been married and has children. Even if their life is relatively drama free, it is never easy, and it would not be worth it. My issue is, I am already there, I am already married, because no one ever warned me or told me how it could be, I was shielded from so much of the drama before we got married, and was just blind and naive. I have talked to DH until I am blue in the face. He always agrees with me to my face, but I am serious this lady makes Jane Fonda in Monster In Law look like a saint. I think he learned from a very young age the best way to protect himself was to just ignore all he can and then avoid conflict with her. As for BM, he has no problem standing up to her, or anyone else for the matter, but with MIL, it is like he reverts back to a henpecked little boy.

Sigir:

If this is true, I am sorry for all you have gone through op. but when I read your account, some things just don't add up. ...what 4 yr old would say "I told you I was going to get a knife and kill you"? It is a v advanced verbiage. ... what 4 yr old could snap a puppy's leg in two? This I am certain on no 4 yr old would have the strength to do that. It's extremely hard to snap a bone in two. ... i agree w pp that bm did not kill your baby. Babies can withstand stress... Look at all the babies born in battle zones. It's terrible that you had preterm labor but blaming it on bm is not the best idea for your mental health. I kind of stopped reading after that post [about snapping the puppy's leg in two] If this is not mud, for me, my love of my babies and protecting their safety would supersede my love for their father. I'd find another place to live so you and your baby will be safe. Best of luck.

I also had a problem when I went to your profile and it makes no mention of SS at all. It even goes so far as to say that your fur babies are your family for now.  Your husband has a child and you only list your pets as your family?!

A school has a psych for a 4 year old?  Is the child in preschool or Kindergarten? 

The Mom being gay has nothing to do with anything.

He was forced by his ex-mil to marry her daughter?  How can someone be forced to get married?  I imagine that he was also forced NOT to wear a condom.

You state that you lost a baby due to the stress of the situation.  Nothing has changed.  How do you see yourself in this picture?  What role do you play?  What role does your H play?

You are putting so much responsibility on a 4 year old.  If the dogs leg got broken it was due to rough play and not an intentional break.  4 year old's don't have a thinking process that would allow for this kind of act.  Additionally, I can't imagine even the nicest dog not biting a child who is being hurt.  It's a natural instinct.

Why Why Why would you want to bring a baby into this lifestyle your living in?  Do you not see the big picture?

MUD or a completely clueless at life woman.

I came here seeking help from people and I have received some that which I am very grateful for, but some of you have torn me down, blamed me, and questioned my posts as if I am lying. Not at all what I was expecting. I am already so depressed, so down, so beat down by everything I have had to suffer through since March, the last thing I need is for other people to be this way to me. SIGIR, those were his EXACT words. EXACT. Trust me, it is burned forever into my memory. He says things like that ALL the time. I have watched him go into a total psychotic fit on BM and tell her he was going to cut her up into pieces like a deer and burn her and put her in the ground. So, yes, they do say those things. I have witnessed many children with MH issues in my line of work, some younger than him even, do and say some of the most disturbing and unbelievable things. 

The puppy weighed less than two pounds, small breed Chiuaua, leg the size of a pencil, and yes, he snapped it clean into. He is very big and very strong for his age. What kind of wierdo would make that up, trust me, I would give anything if this were not the reality of the situation. 

And for those of you that say BM did not kill my child. My doctor's say she did. Yes, she did not physically kill him, but her actions led to my labor. They said there is no medical explanation and the best reason they can give me is that the chronic acute stress I was put under by her caused the onset of labor. This is something I blame myself for even more than her, because I feel like I failed him in some way, that I was not strong enough to withstand all the stress and pressure, that my body could not take it and could not protect him. 

 I know this seems outrageous, but I live it and know that this type of extreme behavior and God awful pain does exist, and I just came here to find some support. For those of you that have offered it, I sincerely appreciate it. I am just a girl trying to figure out solutions to what seems like a hopeless situation, and trying to put myself back together after a life altering and very traumatic experience that will haunt me for the rest of my life.  

Yes, the school has a school psychologist. It is a Pre K program at a K-12 school. She introduced herself to me as athe "school psychologist", so unless she is lying, I'd say they have one. 

A lot of things have changed. Before, he was with us one week, with BM one week, and all the responsibility fell on me. I kept him when my DH worked in the evenings, and always had to deal with BM. I now do not keep him at all, and have no contact with BM at all and never will again. Believe me, I see how dysfunctional this is, and do wish it could be easy and wish that we could get a long and not have the problems we do, and it seems like many of you do live in a blended family situation where everything is positive and peachy. I envy you, but due to BM it will NEVER happen for us. She is the most toxic and horrible human being I have ever known and ridding my life of her was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. 

I didn't say she being gay had anything to do with the child and his issues, I said it has to do with HER issues. She battles depression, anxiety, self esteem, image,  and self loathing issues because she cannot, her choice, cannot openly love or be with who she chooses. Her parents would disown her and she is 100% dependent on them for everything so she lives in silent misery about not being able to fulfill her relationship needs and spews hate and destruction everywhere she goes. 

I did not say he was forced into marriage by his ex MIL, I said MIL, as in my MIL, his mother. You are totally correct that no one can actually be forced into marriage, but when you have been raised by a domineering, inflexible, religious zealot, and have allowed her to influence every move you make, when she put the pressure on he obliged her. His fault totally, I couldn't' agree more. I also couldn't agree more about the condom. His fault completely again, but there is nothing I can do about mistakes he made before we were in a relationship.

Yes, 4 year old who have MH issues, such as early onset conduct disorder do have the though process to act in that manner. He was not playing with him. He was a straddle the dog backwards, facing the dogs rear, holding him down,  and did it with no provocation. He has been in trouble at school more times than I can count for violent acts towards the other children again, with no provocation. 

I am not clueless at life, I am clueless at this life, that unraveled before my eyes and grew progressively worse before I even really knew what I had gotten into. I beat myself up on a daily basis and ask myself everyday, who the hell are u and how'd u get here? What happened to u and your life? 

What is your plan moving forward?

How are you going to protect your baby in all of this? How are you and YH going to protect his son (both from himself and others)? How are you and YH going to handle your MIL? How are you going to proactively take care of your mental wellbeing?

I'm going to say it again: I would leave. I'd sacrifice my marriage for my child's safety. And there is so much dysfunction here, I'm not just talking about your SS.

This is going to sound like a terribly callous analogy, but I guess I'm going to say it anyway: Employment experts like to say that you can either have the job you want or live where you want but you only rarely can have both. I think that either now or later you will have to pick between your marriage and your baby--from what you have posted here, barring any major changes, I don't see how both are manageable.

Because I think it's obvious that your baby can never be alone with either your SS or your MIL. And YH has shown such questionable judgment that I would frankly not trust him to be vigilant enough around his mother and his son.  

Thank you FELLESFERIE. Thank you for not attacking me or talking to me like I am stupid. I came here because I figured, even with how dysfunctional my situation is, that I would surely find someone who would understand, had been in similar toxic situations, had MIL issues, had BM issues, etc., and I also figured I would connect with some wives who have husbands that avoid conflict, straddle the fence, try to please everyone, etc., and could just give me some advice on how they have had to cope and handle things in their own lives. I have NO ONE I can talk to at all, except my best friend, and I get tired of always bothering her with all of this mess. She too is a SM and has had her fair share of drama, and she had to do similar things just to stay sane. She limited her exposure to her SD's, MIL, and has never pretended to have it all together or have a perfect little family. She has two children with her H and she's never tried to be a mother figure to her SD's nor do they want her to be. They are older now and don't even come on the weekend visits their dad is entitled to because their BM guilt trips them all the time or bribes them. She's brutally honest so I thought, well maybe there are other SM's out there that will say what most others won't. 

I don't know what to do, that is why I came here, to gain some insight from people who can commiserate. 

bosmomndad:

Thank you FELLESFERIE. Thank you for not attacking me or talking to me like I am stupid. I came here because I figured, even with hownbsp;dysfunctionalnbsp;my situation is, that I would surely find someone who would understand, had been in similar toxic situations, had MIL issues, had BM issues, etc., and I also figured I would connect with some wives who have husbands that avoid conflict, straddle the fence, try to please everyone, etc., and could just give me some advice on how they have had to cope and handle things in their own lives. I have NO ONE I can talk to at all, except my best friend, and I get tired of always bothering her with all of this mess. She too is a SM and has had her fair share of drama, and she had to do similar things just to stay sane. She limited her exposure to her SD's, MIL, and has never pretended to have it all together or have a perfect little family. She has two children with her H and she's never tried to be a mother figure to her SD's nor do they want her to be. They are older now and don't even come on the weekend visits their dad is entitled to because their BM guilt trips them all the time or bribes them. She's brutally honest so I thought, well maybe there are other SM's out there that will say what most others won't.nbsp;I don't know what to do, that is why I came here, to gain some insight from people who cannbsp;commiserate.nbsp;

I am wondering what the ex was like when you were dating your DH.

You must have had some idea that life wouldnt be all butterflys and rainbows. I personally would NOT be with my DH if he and his ex didnt have a cordial relationship and put their child first. 

She was very nice to start with and I had no knowledge of her real issues. DH did not tell me for a long time. I didn't have much contact with her other than at pick ups/drop offs. 

I had the normal reservations as far as marrying someone with an ex and child, fear of the unknown, worry about the drama I knew could follow, but I never knew it would be like this.

As SS got older his issues became more severe and BM's idiocy just kept becoming more and more obvious. Then, when she did what she did with the false reports, we were already married. Our entire first year of marriage minus 2 months has been completely consumed by this and trying to grieve for our son. I feel like I have been through hell and back with all the legal issues, custody battle, and the loss of my own son. I am seriously thinking of just leaving this site all together because unlike you, most people have been down right mean and accusatory and I so do not need that. I am trying to rid my life of DRAMA not create more and so far the majority of the women on here have just made me feel worse. They have even created another post where they can call me a liar and a crazy and make fun of me together. Not what I need. Thank you though for your response.  

You seem to be focused on your SS's issues and his BM's issues, but turning a blind eye to your H's issues, as he does to his child.

I don't understand how you could be so incredibly bonded to a man who is allowing this to happen and has given up on finding a solution. 

You say you're being insulted by our responses.  I cannot fathom your position.  As I said, we had a very difficult time and years of court with BM, who was neglectful to her children, and it was years before my husband's word was believed over BM's by any judge or social worker.  His children were not in as serious a plight as your SS, yet he never gave up or ever believed he had done enough to keep them safe.  And if he had, you can bet I would not have stood by him while he was idle.

Now it has been years since we have had to deal with it, and it is much easier to look back on than it was while we were in the thick of it.  I faced plenty of criticism from this board when I first began posting, but it was typically because they thought I was going too overboard in reacting to BM's behavior.

I'm sorry if you think I'm being critical.  My heart aches for that child who needs help, and as you've said, you're the one in his life with the clearest view of what he needs.  I also worry, since you seem like you've written him off as not your problem and too much trouble to bother with, and he's only FOUR.

XMARY, How am I supposed to protect myself from BM doing this kind of thing to me again? That is why I do not keep the child. I do not trust BM at all, and after all I have already dealt with, I mean I have faced life in prison level charges because of her this year, I just don't have the strength to put myself in that position again. She is the one that abused him, pinned it on me, so the only way I see to keep her from doing something terrible again is to never ever even let her say for a second I was around him.  I don't keep my husband from his child or ask him to choose. The way his work schedule is, and the SS's school schedule, he is only off one night a week to be with him. 

SIGIR, I wanted to move forward. I wanted to heal. I wanted to start over. I wanted to be strong enough to not let BM, all the trauma, all the heartbreak, be my story. I wanted not feel like a failure. I want a child, just like anyone else that has the urge to be a mother. I guess in my head, I thought if I could move on and have a successful pregnancy and a child of my own that it would mean they didn't kill me completely. They didn't destroy me all the way and that I can still pick myself up and have a good life. In all honesty, things have gotten better due to the arrangement changing, and i am no longer constantly subjected to BM and SS behaviors. I know that he is going to remain in my life, but I can remove myself as much as I can from all the drama that surrounds him. I've tried all I can to help him and BM is not receptive to my suggestions. DH deals with it now as he should. The pregnancy announcement issue that I originally posted about just brought all of this back to the surface, and I guess I have bottled it up for so long I needed to vent. I know it is selfish, but I can't help how I feel, I am only human and not perfect, but I still want my happiness back. I want to have a child with my husband and I don't think I should never get to experience that just because he already has one. 

You should have things of your own and ways to celebrate your pregnancy.  Do a photo shoot of you and DH once you have a nice pregnant belly to show off.

From a pragmatic stance alone, just include SS in the Christmas photo.  You want the announcement to be about the pregnancy, not SS, and your exclusion of SS stands to trump any announcement as that is what the family will focus on, not your happy news.

I guess it seems like I am so focused on SS and BM's issues on here because I am brand new and the more I posted the more I had to explain, and in my attempt to explain my situation, hoping someone out there may have been there too, I got ridiculed, called a liar, and made fun of. I don't know if it is hormones or what, but I bawled when I read the other post. I feel like I hit brick walls everywhere, with the court, with CPS, with my MIL, with my DHS, with BM, and I was hopeful with this site. Hoping that maybe just maybe I would find people to lean on, vent to, and learn from.

Then I read that other stuff and was like, you have got to be kidding me, why even bother? I would give ANYTHING in the world for this to be some story I made up, or all just a bad dream I could wake up from, but it is not. I am set on defense mode because that is how I have had to live every single day for almost a year and I so desperately wanted to be able to have a safe place to let down that guard and for once find some answers and relief.

Instead I have been called crazy and laughed at. The majority of my DH's family all act as if my son never even existed and like I should have been able to just wake up the next day unfazed, they also act as if all the horrific things BM did to me, I should just forgive her and act like it never happened, so yes, there is a lot of resentment there. I know it is not SS fault, but having stood where I have stood it is very hard not to resent him because he is a constant reminder of her and all of the trauma I have experienced and am trying desperately to overcome. Plus, the TERRIBLE things he says to me, God, I just feel like he is a mini version of her and because of her he is going to grow up to be a miserable and hateful person just like her. I don't see where I am writing him off, what else could I do? It is very hard for me to see everyone say what about SS, over and over, when for the last 5 months, no one has expressed any sympathy for my son who is never even going to get a chance at life. 

I am not his mother and BM makes sure I am reminded of that on a weekly basis, and has it court ordered that I have no say so in his life whatsoever. If I could load him up and take him back to the doctor DH was taking him to I would in a heartbeat. I do not have the legal authority to do so and now, because of BM neither does DH. DH has not given up. We are totally broke, this whole mess has cost us 18,000. All of our savings is gone and we have had to borrow money as well. When we were still in the thick of the battle, DH took him to multiple centers for interviews and assessments, after the sexual abuse by the BF children, drove the CPS worker nuts with calls, fought to the bitter end in court, and the Judge, a woman, who grew up in the same town as BM's parents and attends the same church, did not want to hear it and sided with BM.

Even after this, my husband has contacted another attorney trying to find out what in the world, if anything, he can do, and he was told there is a statute of limitations to it and he would have to wait until he established residency in this county for one year before he could refile a counter motion here. If anyone else has any suggestions I would be glad to hear them. 

bosmomndad:

XMARY, How am I supposed to protect myself from BM doing this kind of thing to me again? That is why I do not keep the child. I do not trust BM at all, and after all I have already dealt with, I mean I have faced life in prison level charges because of her this year, I just don't have the strength to put myself in that position again. She is the one that abused him, pinned it on me, so the only way I see to keep her from doing something terrible again is to never ever even let her say for a second I was around him. nbsp;I don't keep my husband from his child or ask him to choose. The way his work schedule is, and the SS's school schedule, he is only off one night a week to be with him.nbsp;SIGIR, I wanted to move forward. I wanted to heal. I wanted to start over. I wanted to be strong enough to not let BM, all the trauma, all the heartbreak, be my story. I wanted not feel like a failure. I want a child, just like anyone else that has the urge to be a mother. I guess in my head, I thought if I could move on and have a successful pregnancy and a child of my own that it would mean they didn't kill me completely. They didn't destroy me all the way and that I can still pick myself up and have a good life. In all honesty, things have gotten better due to the arrangement changing, and i am no longer constantly subjected to BM and SS behaviors. I know that he is going to remain in my life, but I can remove myself as much as I can from all the drama that surrounds him. I've tried all I can to help him and BM is not receptive to my suggestions. DH deals with it now as he should. The pregnancy announcement issue that I originally posted about just brought all of this back to the surface, and I guess I have bottled it up for so long I needed to vent. I know it is selfish, but I can't help how I feel, I am only human and not perfect, but I still want my happiness back. I want to have a child with my husband and I don't think I should never get to experience that just because he already has one.nbsp;

Your SS broke a puppy's leg.  An innocent puppy that did nothing to him.

What do you think he is going to do to YOUR BABY, who is a threat to his time, love and attention?

Protect yourself and your unborn baby.  Run as fast as you can from this situation.  Even if SS doesn't harm your child (which, I am betting will happen), the toxic envorinment is no good for an adult (see what it did to you?) let alone a newborn.

Get out, and when you make custody arrangement, ensure that your child does not spend any time with his half-brother or with MIL.