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11-01-2012 at 6:46 PM
Mrs.DeliaM...
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Re: MIL wants in the delivery room! (Need to Vent)

Your vagina, your choice as to who gets to be there.  Period.  Your husband has absolutely no say.

It would be one thing if your DH was saying that he wanted it to be just you two, no other family, then it would be up for discussion between you as a couple, but that is not the case here.  He is holding his parents over your head, and that is just plain wrong. 

 



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11-01-2012 at 7:27 PM
abbp23
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CurlyQ284:
Tell him if his mom and dad are there, he has to drop trou, spread his legs and give both your parents a nice view of his twig and berries. He has to stay on display for 1048 hours. Its only fair.

Bahahaha! This is almost exactly what I told DH. I also added something about his privates exploding into shreds and my parents watching but it worked, he is totally backing me up! I just want DH in there with me besides the staff. Good luck with your guy and in laws!


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11-01-2012 at 7:39 PM
eponine768...
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Do we have the same in-laws??? LOL, this is something I would TOTALLY expect from my MIL and FIL if I announced my mom would be in the room. I decided to have just DH and I just so I wouldn't have to deal with this drama but I reserve the right to call her in if DH isn't cutting it! I completely agree with PPs, YOUR BODY, YOUR DECISION! 

Even though I say I avoided having this dilemma by not inviting mom into the labor room, if my ILs were to say something like this to them, I would FLIP!!! Which is what I am trying to avoid...but seriously, I would flip out and go bazerk. THis is a totally selfish thing for them to put on you. Be strong and say HELL NO! 


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11-01-2012 at 8:37 PM
ChristinaB...
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Seriously? Its not about fairsies. Its about your comfort level and who you feel would give you the most support while you're IN. LABOR. IMO a FIL has NO place in the delivery room especially if you're not comfortable having your OWN father in there; I'm sorry thats just weird. I'm worried you would feel self conscious or uncomfortable with them in there. If they're bringing this up at 38 weeks, who knows what they would say/ how they would act during labor. Also, many hospitals limit support people to two. I don't even know you and I'm frustrated over this. 

Stick up for yourself girl!  


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11-01-2012 at 9:05 PM
faithfulfa...
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I would be so pissed at my husband I'd ban them all!!! 

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11-01-2012 at 9:35 PM
chance_enc...
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Ok, you have to read this: http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/2012/09/come-bearing-food.html

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11-01-2012 at 10:05 PM
SarahBBowe...
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alaskanmomma:

Your the one giving birth-therefore you should ultimatly decide who is in the room with you.

 I made it very clear that No one but my hubby would be in the room for the birth of our first daughter-when his mother kept saying she wanted to be there. Luckily, she isnt very outspoken and never (at least to my face) told me that she should be there.

 But at the same time I can see your husbands point too. I know your comfortable with your mom there, but it kind of is selfish to have her and not your husbands mom. What if he wanted to share the experience and birth of his child with his mother present-just like you do? I know this time, no one will be allowed in the room again for the birth of this baby-I just want that time to be just us and the baby. Maybe you should consider allowing your mother and mother in law in there until its time to push-and then they could wait in the waiting room, and shortly after your baby is born come in and meet their grandchild at the same time-so no one feels left out.

 Again, it is totally your decision!! Your the one giving birth! And ultimatly you should have the final say..

 I do not agree with this at all.  Having your mother is very different from having your husband's mother there.  Its your body and you are the one who decides who you will be comfortable with in the delivery room.  Its nto about fair. You are not being selfish!!!!  Your husband can't share the experience with his mom like you can share it with yours because ITS YOUR VAGINA!!!!! 


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11-01-2012 at 10:09 PM
Kingston54
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MissNikki007:

Your vagina is the one that will be on display, therefore, you are the one that gets to decide who's in the room.

This, exactly!  There is no way - NO WAY - I'd ever let my MIL or FIL see my stuff.  Gross.  I'd never be able to look them in the face again.  Awful thought.


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11-01-2012 at 10:11 PM
MrsMuq
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My FIL tried to do this. My husband's response was "It's not an effing party!" and then went on to say that he will be the only one in the room, we would have several hours of bonding time with LO, and no family was to visit until the following day. We repeated said conversation with my own mother.

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11-01-2012 at 11:02 PM
Benav
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Yikes.  Here's what I would do... Get your doc to 'make a rule' that only two people are allowed in.  Makes the decision pretty easy then...  my doc said he has done this for a few of his patients when there have been problems. Then its not totally on you. 

 

HOWEVER...your hubby should have your back 100 percent on what you want. YOU have the vagina. Tell him to grow a set and tell his parents to back off!!!   

 
11-01-2012 at 11:16 PM
ShawMich
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MissNikki007:

Your vagina is the one that will be on display, therefore, you are the one that gets to decide who's in the room.

This.

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11-02-2012 at 12:47 AM
milesfromt...
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I don't even plan on having my inlaws visit the hospital while I'm in there.

 No f-ing way would I have either my MIL or FIL in there during delivery.  This is my kid, not theirs.

Too many times I hear about grandparents hijacking their grand kids and leaving the mom in the dust, thinking they are no good or don't know best.

Ladies, stand up for yourself and what you believe in, if you don't want them there, tell them to get the hell out.

Don't give an inch now, because they will take a mile later on!



 
11-02-2012 at 7:51 AM
gnomemom
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alaskanmomma:

Your the one giving birth-therefore you should ultimatly decide who is in the room with you.

 I made it very clear that No one but my hubby would be in the room for the birth of our first daughter-when his mother kept saying she wanted to be there. Luckily, she isnt very outspoken and never (at least to my face) told me that she should be there.

 But at the same time I can see your husbands point too. I know your comfortable with your mom there, but it kind of is selfish to have her and not your husbands mom. What if he wanted to share the experience and birth of his child with his mother present-just like you do? I know this time, no one will be allowed in the room again for the birth of this baby-I just want that time to be just us and the baby. Maybe you should consider allowing your mother and mother in law in there until its time to push-and then they could wait in the waiting room, and shortly after your baby is born come in and meet their grandchild at the same time-so no one feels left out.

 Again, it is totally your decision!! Your the one giving birth! And ultimatly you should have the final say..

 WTF? Are you nuts? She is the one who is going to be giving birth! The person having the baby gets to decide who she is comfortable with having in the room. Giving birth is difficult, and it is ridiculous to suggest she have someone in the room that she may not have a close relationship with out of "fairness." It is NOT the same thing at all, and it certainly isn't selfish! Wow.



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11-02-2012 at 1:45 PM
Ladymouse
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Holy crap. 

If they ask again, say point blank that your mom has seen and handled your vagina.  They have not, and will never be welcome to.

I actually did invite my MIL.  She, however, said she's not doing that to a new mom, and will wait a few weeks after birth.  My dad was the one I had to talk down from wanting to be in the room.  He literally expected me to keep covered up for the whole of labor.  smh

 
11-02-2012 at 3:00 PM
sadsadie
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I can't believe your husband let his parents lay into you like that. He chose to marry you, you are bearing his child, he needs to grow the ** up and defend YOUR choices.

That being said my husband had some strong feelings about not wanting my mum there, and at first I was a bit hurt, but later I realized I wanted her there for support...support she actually couldn't give me. So we hired a doula. Now it will be me, DH and the doula. No parents; they can all wait until after!

As for the bit your IL's said about you being selfish for wanting to bond with your baby...UH, WTF? You NEED to bond with your baby, and begin the breast feeding process without any outside interruption. Having them there that early would actually be harmful. Clearly, they aren't educated on newborn needs at all. THEY are the ones being selfish, not you.

As PP have stated, your vag, your birth, your choice. Your DH needs to get on board with this. 


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11-02-2012 at 8:31 PM
bobbyme
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alaskanmomma:

Your the one giving birth-therefore you should ultimatly decide who is in the room with you.

 I made it very clear that No one but my hubby would be in the room for the birth of our first daughter-when his mother kept saying she wanted to be there. Luckily, she isnt very outspoken and never (at least to my face) told me that she should be there.

 But at the same time I can see your husbands point too. I know your comfortable with your mom there, but it kind of is selfish to have her and not your husbands mom. What if he wanted to share the experience and birth of his child with his mother present-just like you do? I know this time, no one will be allowed in the room again for the birth of this baby-I just want that time to be just us and the baby. Maybe you should consider allowing your mother and mother in law in there until its time to push-and then they could wait in the waiting room, and shortly after your baby is born come in and meet their grandchild at the same time-so no one feels left out.

 Again, it is totally your decision!! Your the one giving birth! And ultimatly you should have the final say..

Sorry, it's about the woman giving labor, not the man standing helpless nearby. LIke a pp said, it is not a show. 

11-07-2012 at 1:49 PM
abmoscon
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Ohhh no, no, no!
NOBODY has the right to tell u, when, where or how to bring your child into this world. Wtf to ur IL's..how selfish are THEY to even put u in this situation! Your IL's are pissing me off and I don't even know them..lucky for them cause I would flip out on them for you lol. Um and how sick is FIL for even wanting to be there...no wayyyy that's just way to weird. Stay strong girl and stick by what u want. Hope ur DH gets a grip and starts supporting you
 
11-07-2012 at 6:23 PM
NicoleJean...
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You have to stand your ground!  The only people I am having is my husband and mother.  My MIL really wants to but I am so uncomfortable with that.  My husband completely understands and supports me.  It is your body on display, not his!
 
11-08-2012 at 4:13 AM
fishin_bud...
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A lot of nurses and doctors are willing to arrange a specific number of people "allowed." They will even say it's hospital policy, even if it's not! Nurses are very firm, and won't allow anything to happen that you don't want. It's your ladyparts on display! Do what makes you comfortable!  

 
11-08-2012 at 8:53 AM
aesmith83
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tortuga47:

Mrs&Dr2b:
Is your mom leaving right after the baby is born so you and DH can bond? That is the only place I would have a question about it. If your mom is there to support you and then leaving before holding the baby and coming back in with your in-laws later then this seems totally fair. If she is going to get to hold and meet the baby before your in-laws then I see your DH's point.

Agreed. This would be the only point I'd find iffy. 

 

This is ridiculous! It is YOUR choice which includes if you want your mother there!! She gave birth to you and changed your diaper that is absolutely not the same thing as your in-laws! If you feel better having your mother there you have her there. In the end it is up to you and you only your DH is not the one who will be on display and shame on your in-laws for putting you on the spot like that!


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11-08-2012 at 10:10 AM
Lynmojica
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My DH and I decided that we wanted no one in the room with us when I started to push... While I was in labor they could come say hello and give comforting advice but just so know one would feel left out it was just him and I when my vagina was on display.
 
11-08-2012 at 10:21 AM
earlysprin...
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My MIL is not very good with boundaries yet I couldn't imagine her even dreaming of asking to be allowed in the delivery room. And I don't even feel the need to comment on FIL. That's just ridiculous. Your mom is your MOM, she changed your diapers, she comforted you when you were sick or unhappy. It's about her being there to support YOU, not some competition about who gets to see the baby first.

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11-08-2012 at 11:10 AM
rstaunton
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I went through the same thing, except that my husbands grandparents also wanted to be in there too.
I put my foot down and said no... I offended them, but it DOESN'T MATTER. This is an amazing experience that you need to enjoy without feeling like you have to entertain family.
I got lucky and went into labor at 2am, so we didn't call anyone until she arrived : they got over it. No one cares anymore and it's only been 4 weeks.
I wish you the best birthing experience!! Do it how YOU want to!!!
 
11-08-2012 at 10:55 PM
chrisandmo...
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I just mentioned your dilemma to my dh and he said "she should tell her husband to grow a pair and quit being a mommas boy" I have to say, I couldn't agree more. Good luck

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11-09-2012 at 10:29 AM
mightyheat...
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My MIL did the same thing to me, minus the FIL. I told her absolutely not. I actually literally told her no because I would kill her. She drives me nuts even when she's trying to be nice. You need to be the most comfortable you CAN be given the situation and having in laws in the room does not scream comfortable safe environment. Men also don't get it since it's not their vag on display. And as the woman doing the work YOU get the say of who is there. They can wait in the waiting room. And as you said, shame on them for being selfish and making this about them. This is about you and your partner and the baby you are bringing in. Stand up to them or be prepared to be walked on for the foreseeable future.
 
11-09-2012 at 11:46 AM
rubber_chi...
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let us know what ends up happening!

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11-10-2012 at 1:40 PM
pearlsnow
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What a terrible spot to put you in, all three of them!  I'm not even allowing my mother in!  She is terribly pushy and trying hard to put the guilt trip on me.  I don't have a close relationship with my mom like a lot of ladies here seem too.  My support is my husband and its our choice.  My hubby is supper supportive, but I have birthed before too.  No way in hell is my mom who I consider stressful and creepy going to set the ambiance in my babies birth! 

If mommy is stressed so is the baby and it can cause a lot of unnecessary complications.  Trust your instinct, I personally am way to private to even see a male doctor or most health professionals.  I birth at home, with this baby we want to do it alone.  I don't want anyone bothering our intimacy.  

Besides, your going to be in a lot of strange positions, your going to expel stool, your going to sweat, grimace, cry, laugh, have uncertainty, bleed, possibly tear and what ever else.  Animals don't want to be seen doing this, which is why they hide, so why would you.  You could just say something like. "well if you want to be in there you have to be naked too and I'm not comfortable with seeing you naked nor am I comfortable with myself being naked in front of you."  I love saying things like that which embarrass people back into place hehe. 

Best of luck, its your birth, enjoy it.

 
11-10-2012 at 7:01 PM
JessicaKac...
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I feel your pain. Well, you can always do what my sister did and lie and say they will only allow 2 people in the room with you. And as for your DH he should respect how you feel, because honestly I'll be damned if my mommy can't be in there with me. Really everyone should respect how you feel not only is labor and delivery stressful enough your inlaws shouldn't make it their pity party. This should be a beautiful time for you and your DH.
 
11-11-2012 at 7:34 PM
mojo0925
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Selfish is trying to guilt a pregnant woman into changing her birthing plan. If your inlaws feel that they are being treated unfairly then my dear that is their own insecurity and not your problem. The only thing you should be focusing on is YOUR family: your baby and husband. I also disagree with your husband - no offense to the guy or anything. There is a very special bond between mother and daughter, and if it is your desire to have her there, then he should be supporting that decision unless there is compelling reason she shouldn't be there (i.e. your mom and husband don't get along - it is a special time for him too). It does not matter how that looks to your inlaws...or how that feels to them either. Does your husband really feel slighted that his parents are not invited in while your mom is OR does he just not want to deal with his parents? That is a BIG difference. But if you are willing to compromise with him, you can tell him his mom is welcome in but you really don't want his dad all up in your lady business....it would make holidays weird. Good luck!
 
11-12-2012 at 7:53 AM
traneshaph
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grace1404:
So from day one I only wanted my husband and mother in the delivery room with me, but the other day at 38 weeks my MIL and FIL sat me down for a talk.  They told me that are always left out (constantly make themselves the victims) and that they should be in the room too, and that DH and I's decision to have bonding time with baby before visitors came in was selfish.  Basically they had me crying telling me that I was treating them unfairly for an hour. It was horrible.  Talked to DH about how uncomfortable I would be, especially with FIL, my own dad isn't in coming in there. So DH says if I don't want them in there then my mother shouldn't be either because it wouldn't be fair, SERIOUSLY!! Is it just me or should what the woman who will be giving birth  get to decide this and not be questioned on it. I am now torn I don't want to fight with my husband or in laws but I want to have a comfortable environment while in labor. 

 I totally understand. At 23 weeks, this talk hasn't come up yet in my circle, but I only want my SO and my mom. That's it & I am NOT budging on that. I'm a FTM and I'm already nervous about all the docs/health care professionals being in the room looking up my *stuff*. I'm just sqeamish like that, I guess. Since my mom lives 9 hours away and is coming by bus, she may not be here for the actual delivery. It just depends. If they give me a specific day that I'll be induced or if I end up having a scheduled c-section she'll make it in time. If not, it'll just be me and SO. We'll both be first time parents and it'll be my mom's 1st grandchild. His mom has 2 other grandkids that she couldve been in the room for. She is a little pushy and I love her, but she is ABSOLUTELY not going to be in the room when I give birth. You have the final say. When you get to the hospital and say I want "such-and-such" in the room ONLY, the hospital will respect your wishes. I know you don't want to fight, but the in-laws will get over it, eventually. You're doing ALL the work, so what you want should be first priority. Explain that to DH and the in-laws in the nicest way possible. They'll bend. If not, too bad. YOU should be comfy above all else :)

I honestly dont even get why everybody wants to say "I want to be in the room when the baby is born" anyway. OMG! You'll see him/her when the fam comes back. Why do you have to be in the room watching something come out of my vagina? That is SOOOO private. Then who has the nerve to be offended if I say idon't want you in the room during this super private moment? Sheesh! Sorry, had to vent for a sec.


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