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12-04-2012 at 10:39 AM
Rae1105
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Rae1105 is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 4:55 PMNewbie

*intro and advice seeking* LONG

Hello all,

 My name is Rachel. A little background  info on me. In the beginning of this year, I lost my fiance and had a miscarriage all in 2 months. I had a rough go this summer, however I managed to make it through with some lingering depression. Well in September I met someone. He immediately rushed things, and because of my vulnerability I allowed that to happen. We basically lived together at his parents from the beginning. At first, everything was ok. Then it started getting to where if I wanted to go see my family I was questioned and guilted and just all around given crap for it. Well after my 23 birthday, I moved in with my best friend and he came along. The weekend we moved in, we got into another huge fight (which happens at least 3 times a week) and I gave in and decided to get over it and ended up getting pregnant that night. The week of Thanksgiving I was considering breaking up with him, Then found out I was pregnant.

 

Essentially, this is what is going on. He has a 16 month old already that he only sees every other weekend. His parents live in a filthy filthy house, his dad is an alcoholic with a mean side, his mom literally does nothing when his daughter is there. The daughter was strictly being cared for by me. No one changed her, they were still feeding her stage 2 foods at 15 months old for crying out loud!! If he leaves he will move back in with them. He is very selfish, goes in between jobs frequently, and if I am not with him and doing something with my best friend/family, he will purposely fight with me all day long just to ensure my focus is on him and I don't have a good time. He wants my sole attention always and will do anything to get it, be it throw a fit or whine or what have you. I am always "over reacting" or "misconstruing" things, but he "loves me more than anything". I tried breaking up with him once before, but he used his daughter and suicidal thoughts to guilt me back. (that's just the tip of the iceberg)

 

Now I know the LOGICAL thing, but these freaking hormones are making me terrified of hurting anyone, him having her/him without me, and what he might do if I leave. My family wants me out of the relationship, I have multiple guy friends saying I wouldn't be alone and they'd love to be there for me, but What would you suggest? Deal with it or walk away now?

 

*sorry its so long! no one even knows I am pregnant yet so I can't talk to anyone* 
 
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12-04-2012 at 11:08 AM
lurchbaby
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If you truely believe your child would be in danger or neglected don't tell him you are pregnant and get out of the relationship. I know that this is not a popular opinion to most people.  Just make sure he never finds out about the baby because he would have rights.

Lots of single parents do it on there own without any support and it sounds like your parents and friends are there for you. 

His daughter is not your problem. That is for her mother to worry about. It sucks but thats the way it is. Your child has got to be your only focus right now.

 
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12-04-2012 at 11:13 AM
Rae1105
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Rae1105 is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 4:55 PMNewbie
I was the genius that already told him. That's the problem. He now's about the LO already. He constantly says I will not do this again. (meaning the back and forth child support child custody thing) He constantly talks derogatory about his daughter's mother in front of her and I don't want this for my LO....
 
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12-04-2012 at 11:14 AM
septmom11
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walk. away. now.  he is controlling and manipulative and its not gonig to get better once baby comes around.  Is this an environment you want your child to be around?  You say you have a support group of friends/family.  please use them now and get out of this relationship.  He is not going to hurt himself if you leave that is just his manipulation

My ex was extremely controlling and manipulative and it caused me many anxiety/panic attacks on a weekly basis.  He also guilted me and fought over me seeing any friends/family.  I was isolated most of the time. Luckily i was already moved out when i found out i was pregnant. 

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12-04-2012 at 11:17 AM
septmom11
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septmom11 is not online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 11:11 AMNewbie

Rae1105:
I was the genius that already told him. That's the problem. He now's about the LO already. He constantly says I will not do this again. (meaning the back and forth child support child custody thing) He constantly talks derogatory about his daughter's mother in front of her and I don't want this for my LO....

Did he ask for visitations or did the Lo's mother push for him to take EOWE.  Child support does not equal visitations.  You could file for support but unless he files for custody you do not have to give him overnights if you really dont feel comfortable
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12-04-2012 at 11:22 AM
Rae1105
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Rae1105 is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 4:55 PMNewbie
He asked for them. In fact, he's trying to go after her for more. Granted, that has nothing to do with this, but he is trying to go after more custody. I know he wouldn't get that at all with my child though. 
 
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12-04-2012 at 11:27 AM
septmom11
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Rae1105:
He asked for them. In fact, he's trying to go after her for more. Granted, that has nothing to do with this, but he is trying to go after more custody. I know he wouldn't get that at all with my child though. 

I was only asking because in some cases the mom likes to have her freedom too and pushes the dad to take weekends regardless of the care ( i have witnessed this). I wish you luck in your descisions and the arrival of your LO
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12-04-2012 at 11:28 AM
Rae1105
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Rae1105 is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 4:55 PMNewbie
septmom11:

Rae1105:
He asked for them. In fact, he's trying to go after her for more. Granted, that has nothing to do with this, but he is trying to go after more custody. I know he wouldn't get that at all with my child though. 

I was only asking because in some cases the mom likes to have her freedom too and pushes the dad to take weekends regardless of the care ( i have witnessed this). I wish you luck in your descisions and the arrival of your LO

 

Thank you so much. It's just nice to get a bit of reassurance from someone on the outside. 
 
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12-04-2012 at 1:06 PM
keychain01
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And if you decide to leave him (which is your choice) you should do it now. While you are pregnant. Don't wait til you have already had the baby. Then you might have to deal with all kinds of other problems. Sometimes once we have our children, we feel like we are stuck with someone. Even if the situation hurts you and your child. I left DS father while I was pregnant, and it was the best thing I ever did. If I had waited until after I had my son I would have felt guilty, and dependent on him. I always use to feel that there should be a dad, mom and child and picket fences with the wonderful dog. And that was how a family should be. And I was wrong....Me and my son are exactly what MY family is suppose to be. We are happy and I made that decision. Not saying that this is how every family should be. You can only make that decision.
 
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12-04-2012 at 3:54 PM
Rae1105
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Rae1105 is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 4:55 PMNewbie
keychain01:

And if you decide to leave him (which is your choice) you should do it now. While you are pregnant. Don't wait til you have already had the baby. Then you might have to deal with all kinds of other problems. Sometimes once we have our children, we feel like we are stuck with someone. Even if the situation hurts you and your child. I left DS father while I was pregnant, and it was the best thing I ever did. If I had waited until after I had my son I would have felt guilty, and dependent on him. I always use to feel that there should be a dad, mom and child and picket fences with the wonderful dog. And that was how a family should be. And I was wrong....Me and my son are exactly what MY family is suppose to be. We are happy and I made that decision. Not saying that this is how every family should be. You can only make that decision.

 

That is how I feel sometimes I guess. Must be because of a rough divorce I went through as the child I never wanted to do that to MY child. However, I think I would rather that then the constant fighting and what not. 
 
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12-04-2012 at 5:00 PM
Ehoughton1...
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He sounds exactly like my baby's father. I'm 17 weeks and I left him shorty after we found out. He still tries to guilt me into working things out with him for the baby and I personally feel like my baby will be much better off without him. He can't take care of himself and asked me for money not even a week ago. It was a very tough decision to make because I didn't want to have to do everything alone and felt like there are supposed to be two people involved in having a child. But I live at home with my parents and family so I do have support.
 
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12-05-2012 at 12:44 AM
mimimimimi...
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Hi, I think you should just break up with him. This is not a healthy relationship, plus it sounds like you have unhappy time with him more then happy time. I just broke up with my bf recently and I'm 15 weeks pregnant now. Sometimes I think it's hard to move on coz I love him so much, but the other part of my think that would better better, coz I dont have to deal with his bullshit forever. You should just follow your heart to do things that you like, don't let him to tie you down. Be strong!!!
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12-07-2012 at 11:57 AM
highlights
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GTFO. NOW.
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12-12-2012 at 8:06 AM
Lissa832
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Break up with him, and then call CPS. If the conditions are as bad as you say, then his DD deserves to be protected. You have a moral obligation to do it.
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12-14-2012 at 12:16 PM
bripratt2
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I like that. I left early onto it makes my life a lot easier. After leaving of course the next thing I did was keep his name and his last name off my daughters birth certificate. I mean it doesn't guarantee anything but it would make your life easier especially if you have information like above. I also didn't tell baby daddy. When I went into labor I only told him after.
 
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