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12-16-2012 at 2:25 PM
deedyloves...
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deedylovescake is not online. Last active: 06-17-2013, 11:31 PMNewbie

Advice on coping...

Hi there, I haven't posted on the preemie board before but I was hoping to get some advice or at least maybe commiserate a bit.

Today is my son's 1 month birthday though his due date is tomorrow. He was born at 35 weeks(I was induced for pre-e.)

I delivered him vaginally, but he was born in respiratory distress. They took him away immediately and I didn't get to hold him or touch him or even look at him. He needed to wear a cpap for 4 days and I didnt get to hold him until they took it off and replaced it with a cannula. He was in the nicu a total a two weeks.

So the issue that I am having is even though this was now a whole month ago and I have had him home for 2 weeks and he is healthy and I snuggle with him all the time I can't seem to get over the day he was born. It's just so painful to think about it and remember how I felt when they took him away. I think about it every day and I cry remembering it. My OB said this is normal, but I am so tired of being upset and feeling bitter about the day he was born. So for people who had a similar experience, how long did this last? What can I do to heal??

12-16-2012 at 3:52 PM
KatFCo
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First, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's always a scary experience.

As for coping, it takes time. It's different for everyone, but for me it helped to try not to dwell on the sadness. When I felt down, I reminded myself of what I had: a beautiful baby who was all mine. Even if her arrival was nothing like what I expected or wanted, she was still mine.

You're going through a grieving process. Allow yourself to grieve. I couldn't look at a pregnant woman without envy for 2 years. I couldn't watch a TV show featuring birth for 4 years, and even then I teared up and it made me think about her birth.

It's been 5 1/2 years and even now, when we go to Children's Hospital for urgent care or other appointments, I think of it. It will always be a part of you; you just need time to become comfortable with it without allowing it to consume you. As you create more, happier memories with your baby, they will slide the unhappy ones to the side.


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12-16-2012 at 5:14 PM
CurlingRoc...
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Welcome to the board!  This is a great question!

DS is 17 months old, and I still deal with the trauma regularly enough to mention it.  I'm finally to a point where I don't cry every day, but I know I cried daily for at least a year.  I think about it a lot, especially when I see other PG women or babies, and Christmas songs really don't help.  (I bawl every time I sing Silent Night because I just think how awful Mary had it in that stable...)  

My best advice is to find a good counselor, one with lots of experience dealing with trauma victims and grief.  See this counselor as much as necessary.  I went bi-weekly for a while, then started lengthening time between appts. until now I only see her every few months when I feel like I can't handle it all.  I haven't needed meds., though many women do, no shame either way; people need what they need.  But my counselor has given me numerous strategies to deal with all the stress and emotions.  Most are simple things that I just wouldn't have known to do without my counselor's guidance, but they help so much! 

Also, ditch the time frame for healing.  We all heal differently.  And telling yourself (or listening to others with good intentions but no actual expertise in this topic) that you "should" feel any way at any point in time is probably the worst thing you can do.  You feel how you feel.  You can deal with the feelings many ways, but you cannot stop yourself from feeling them.  A counselor can help you learn to acknowledge and channel your feelings in a healthy way. 

Best of luck!  And please come back often for support.


Preemie Resources: http://preemiemomblog.blogspot.com/ Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Premature Baby tickers Lilypie Maternity tickers 
12-16-2012 at 6:34 PM
BostonKiss...
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First, welcome and congrats on the birth of your LO!  I'm glad that he's home with you!

There really is no right or wrong answer, and every person is different.  It does take time to work through the emotions, and eventually it does get better, but how long it actually takes varies so much.  You can call your OB any time, and get help from them, either through meds, a counselor, or a combination of both.

We're always here as a board if you want to vent, too. 

12-16-2012 at 8:46 PM
PhillyGal3...
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I'm sorry you are dealing with this but like pp said everyone is different.  I can tell you how it went for me.  

Ds was born a little over 8 weeks early and totally unexpectedly.  He was in nicu for just under 4 weeks.  I cried a lot while he was in there but oddly more when he came home with the exceptions of leaving him at the hospital, fathers day, the day of my baby shower [3 weeks after he was born] and a few other occasions. I would be up nursing him at night just crying.  I guess I let my guard dien then   It got a bit easier when his due date finally came and went. Like I was "supposed" to have him then so it wasn't as strange.   He's now 6 months old and I'm doing well. I cry every now and then but think of everything that happened often. I worry most about when/if we try again. I'm not sure how it will hit me then. 

 

I did stay away from my bmb for a while. The birth stories and people taking home their babies killed me.  It also hurt to hear them complain about being 9 months pregnant and guessing if it was "time"... Things I never got to experience.  I still am not all that active but it's easier to pop in.  I also had a ton of people I knew pregnant at the same time as me.  It wasn't easy to see them have their babies when I should have. So I withdrew a bit but they all understood.  

 

The number one thing is take care of yourself and you lo.  Everyone else will have to deal.  Good luck! 



Our little hippo is as impatient as mom!

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12-16-2012 at 11:49 PM
sucrets4
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It's so, so tough, but everyone here understands.

For me, it got a tiny bit better once I hit my edd and I knew she was 'supposed' to be here.  From there, each milestone was a reminder of where she 'should' be.  I know I shouldn't have thought that way, but I did.

Once she started walking at 14m actual it helped a ton, and then when she started talking it started to melt away.  Suddenly, being a preemie wasn't the first thing I considered when talking about her progress and stuff.

Tbh, it'll always be there.  It's a part of me and her, but it's in the past.  She came, she conquered and has been continuing to kick a$$ since then.

I do second talking to someone if you need to.  I also found this board incredibly helpful with healing, too, so stick around!  And congrats on your precious son!  :-)


BFP(1) DD1 born 4.17.10 @ 33w5d due to pPROM
BFP(4) DD2 born 2.14.13 @ 35w5d due to pPROM


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12-17-2012 at 6:42 AM
strudel82
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Any NICU time, whether it's 2 hours or 2 months, is just heartbreaking for parents to be separated from their LOs. But it's so wonderful that he's home now and doing well!

As far  as how long the sadness lasts about the birthday ... well, I still get very sad when I think about the day my girls were born. Only recently have I started to talk about it with some kind of happiness--like I'm just now able to find some joy in the day.

You may always remember that day with a bit of sadness, because it wasn't what you wanted, it was scary and that experience will never go away. But eventually you will also think of it as the day your awesome son was born, and that's something to smile about!


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12-17-2012 at 1:33 PM
deedyloves...
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deedylovescake is not online. Last active: 06-17-2013, 11:31 PMNewbie

Thanks everyone for sharing <3

Right now thinking about that day still makes me feel very sad and empty but I will try to eventually not be overcome by the memory. Somehow it helps a little to know that everyone goes through this... Also that I'm not the only one feeling jealous of my friends' happy/healthy birth experiences cuz I was definitely feeling a little ashamed of that.

Ugh.. in fact I'm going to take a detour here and vent on that. I made a blog post on my mommy blog about my birth story and the experience of having my baby taken away and seeing him for the first time with all the tubes and wires and the cpap hooked up. A friend who had a healthy baby a few months ago responds to me "That's rough! I think everyone who gives birth should get a medal!" Just seemed really insensitive and an ultra passive aggressive way of telling me to stop complaining. I'm so conflict-phobic though I just haven't even spoken to her. Thinking about it continues to really burn me...

Anyway...I do feel bad about feeling bad because I do have a healthy happy baby now...but jeez, I just can't help it.

12-17-2012 at 4:01 PM
CurlingRoc...
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deedylovescake:

Ugh.. in fact I'm going to take a detour here and vent on that. I made a blog post on my mommy blog about my birth story and the experience of having my baby taken away and seeing him for the first time with all the tubes and wires and the cpap hooked up. A friend who had a healthy baby a few months ago responds to me "That's rough! I think everyone who gives birth should get a medal!" Just seemed really insensitive and an ultra passive aggressive way of telling me to stop complaining. I'm so conflict-phobic though I just haven't even spoken to her. Thinking about it continues to really burn me...

Anyway...I do feel bad about feeling bad because I do have a healthy happy baby now...but jeez, I just can't help it.

Well, your friend shouldn't have said that; it was terribly insensitive.  But I haven't come across a way to make others know how awful they sound to someone whose been through a trauma like we have.  Perhaps the textbook deliveries should get a bronze, the complicated FT deliveries with otherwise healthy babies a silver, and the preemies and other major issues get the gold?  (I feel better thinking that now.)

I'm going to re-iterate how much counseling helped me work through my feelings.  I really think you would benefit from a counseling session or several.  Your OB could help you find one.


Preemie Resources: http://preemiemomblog.blogspot.com/ Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Premature Baby tickers Lilypie Maternity tickers 
12-17-2012 at 4:18 PM
deedyloves...
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CurlingRocks:
Perhaps the textbook deliveries should get a bronze, the complicated FT deliveries with otherwise healthy babies a silver, and the preemies and other major issues get the gold?  (I feel better thinking that now.)

Haha! Well I mused about replying to her that I agreed, but I had always viewed the reward of childbirth as being presented with your healthy baby as soon as its born. But again..I'm conflict-phobic.

CurlingRocks:
I'm going to re-iterate how much counseling helped me work through my feelings.  I really think you would benefit from a counseling session or several.  Your OB could help you find one.

I will definitely think about it. My husband has always had a therapist just because he likes it, but the idea of it has always made me uncomfortable. My OB gave me some pamphlets with support info though..so I might look in to it.



12-17-2012 at 6:38 PM
CurlingRoc...
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deedylovescake:

CurlingRocks:
I'm going to re-iterate how much counseling helped me work through my feelings.  I really think you would benefit from a counseling session or several.  Your OB could help you find one.

I will definitely think about it. My husband has always had a therapist just because he likes it, but the idea of it has always made me uncomfortable. My OB gave me some pamphlets with support info though..so I might look in to it.

I'm so glad you're considering going!  My psychologist (lots of different mental health professional titles out there, good grief!) is so great!  She listens to whatever I have to say, never passes judgement, and offers great strategies to help me deal with whatever I'm dealing with.  If something doesn't work, she has other methods to try.  No conflict/confrontation in her office, just talking about feelings and dealing with them.  (Not sure if that is what makes you hesitant, but I was worried about being judged or having medications forced on me when I went the first time.)


Preemie Resources: http://preemiemomblog.blogspot.com/ Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Premature Baby tickers Lilypie Maternity tickers 
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