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12-17-2012 at 10:56 AM
transcribe...
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What to do about DD 1/2 brother? Kinda long

I have never posted on this board but thought maybe I can get an opinion on something, I hope!  I have an almost 4 yr old daughter and she has a 1/2 brother who has not seen her since her first birthday.  Bio family never sees her or tries to since she was 2 months old.  Well back in March around her birthday, her 1/2 brother's Mom contacted my Mom on FB and said that he was really wanting to see her on her birthday, how sad he was when he woke up and he had saved a giftcard he had gotten last Christmas to buy her something. She asked Mom what she was into and said she would get this Dora thing..Haven't heard from her since! OK..So she wrote my Mom the other day again on FB saying that he wanted to see his sissy. 

In my eyes, Cadance knows about brothers and sisters etc and I think it would be confusing to her to meet up with him and say..oh, this is your brother (if it ever happens again due to the fact that she writes my Mom and never follows through).  My husband has been the only father she has ever known since 9 months of age. Im just on the fence here.  I don't want her in the future finding out she has a brother and then wondering why she never saw him? Should I just wait and see if his Mom ever writes back and then maybe meet somewhere with Cadance? I don't want to confuse my daughter..I just don't know what to do!?


Cheryl (25) Andy (25) Newlyweds as of 8-17-12  Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker pregnancy week by week  BabyName Ticker 
12-17-2012 at 11:01 AM
cole2144
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I would do my best to foster a relationship between the two of them but I would let the other mom know that you will only do it if it is consistent rather than her brother dropping in and out of her life.

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12-17-2012 at 11:08 AM
MelRC117
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cole2144:
I would do my best to foster a relationship between the two of them but I would let the other mom know that you will only do it if it is consistent rather than her brother dropping in and out of her life.

Good answer. I wouldn't want to find out later I had a brother that I never had the opportunity to contact.  Hopefully the other mom will be consistent for the benefit of her son as well.


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12-17-2012 at 11:11 AM
SimpleJane
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I would want to talk to the other mom first. She sounds flakey, and I wouldn't want them to show up in your LOs life and then just disappear. It will hurt her. If you feel like they will stick around and that this will actually be a healthy relationship for your child then I would move forward and meet up with them.
 
12-17-2012 at 11:13 AM
kimmygirl7...
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cole2144:
I would do my best to foster a relationship between the two of them but I would let the other mom know that you will only do it if it is consistent rather than her brother dropping in and out of her life.

 

This! But I would eliminate your mom as the "middle man." I think you should be contacting each other directly. Have Mom give her your email or phone number and work from there. Try to make contact and tell her your position. That your DD would love to have a relationship with her son. Good Luck! 

 
12-17-2012 at 11:34 AM
wendilea
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kimmygirl77:

 

This! But I would eliminate your mom as the "middle man." I think you should be contacting each other directly. Have Mom give her your email or phone number and work from there. Try to make contact and tell her your position. That your DD would love to have a relationship with her son. Good Luck! 

This.  See if the other BM can deal with you directly, and make plans and follow through.  I would never hide the fact that she has a brother from her, though. 


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12-17-2012 at 12:17 PM
Littlejen2...
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The other Mom might be flakey or just nervous. Find out how her number and call her.

Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08  
12-17-2012 at 12:58 PM
transcribe...
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transcriber87 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 7:39 AMBronze

 

Thank you all for your input! She is only contacting my Mom because she has her as a FB friend and I deleted her back in April after she never showed up or made any effort to follow through on the meeting up for Cadance's birthday.  But I agree, I don't want her growing up and finding out she has a brother that we never talked about but I also don't want him dropping in and then back out for 3 years. His whole family is such a mess..Cadance and I were actually at the grocery store this past summer and R's dad, which is Cadances grandpa saw us both and walked right on by..Grrr!


Cheryl (25) Andy (25) Newlyweds as of 8-17-12  Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker pregnancy week by week  BabyName Ticker 
12-17-2012 at 3:27 PM
ldmessing
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transcriber87:

 

Thank you all for your input! She is only contacting my Mom because she has her as a FB friend and I deleted her back in April after she never showed up or made any effort to follow through on the meeting up for Cadance's birthday.  But I agree, I don't want her growing up and finding out she has a brother that we never talked about but I also don't want him dropping in and then back out for 3 years. His whole family is such a mess..Cadance and I were actually at the grocery store this past summer and R's dad, which is Cadances grandpa saw us both and walked right on by..Grrr!

you sound a bit flakey yourself

 
12-17-2012 at 3:29 PM
gin9874
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Sorry this will be long but I'm very passionate about this and I know you don't know my backstory. 

Coming from someone who techinically only has half-siblings (I don't call them that.) My oldest sister was raised by her BM and was parental alienated against my dad. In this case, the other kid was my dad's so my parents had pictures of her hanging up all over the house that relatives would send him. Her BM ran off to Mexico with her for several years but this was in the 70s and not much could be done in terms of enforcement of visitation back then. Anyway, she was never hidden from me, but we were hidden from her. BM had illegally enrolled her in school when they moved back to the states under her SF's last name, told her we never wanted anything to do with her, ect. I finally met her when I was 10 and she was 20. She found out and located us and had to go back and have all her school and driver's license records changed to her REAL last name. That said, her BM raised her and my sister harbored a lot of resentment towards my father because she loved her mom. She stuck around for a few years and then decided that she didn't feel like my dad called her enough (he doesn't call anyone) and cut us off. When I turned 20 and had my DD, I contacted her again once I found out her married name. We saw each other (just us two) for about 3 years and then she once again suddenly cut me off. Later I would find out there was something tramatic that happened to her and that is why.

 Anyway about 5 years ago, fate placed me and her BM in the same jury pool and we discussed everything. BM relayed to my sister some things we discussed and within 1 week my sister contacted me again. We have been in contact ever since and went to dinner together last 2 weeks ago. She started talking to my brother again via FB only about a year ago. We have had a strained relationships because of the adults in our situation. She is my sister though and when my brother (also her half-) passed on Thanksgiving, I had to go back up to the hospital with her after the rest of the family left so she could say goodbye to my brother who was on life-support pending a donor transplant. Not because my family would have cared one bit that she came there but because her BM pulled so much PA against her as a child that she feels out of place in our family. Her BM of course is nice as can be to me and we are FB friends but both she and my dad are to blame for this.

My point is her BM and my father (because he probably could have done a little more than he did) caused us to get to this point....My sister and I have so much in common. We talk forever when we are together. She is my sister even though we weren't raised together. She loved my brother and didn't even feel like she could come to his funeral and only got to say goodbye at the hospital.

I beg you to try to foster a relationship between your child and their sibling. As a person who would do anything for my (half-)siblings and feels robbed of time with her oldest sister.


SS(10),DD(13),DS(3),SD(12),SS(8)  
12-17-2012 at 7:00 PM
transcribe...
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transcriber87 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 7:39 AMBronze

 

Why? Because I deleted her after that? Yes I admit I was ticked off at the time and really never talked to her that much anyway.


Cheryl (25) Andy (25) Newlyweds as of 8-17-12  Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker pregnancy week by week  BabyName Ticker 
12-17-2012 at 7:02 PM
transcribe...
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transcriber87 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 7:39 AMBronze
But thank you to all for your advice on this touchy subject

Cheryl (25) Andy (25) Newlyweds as of 8-17-12  Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker pregnancy week by week  BabyName Ticker 
12-18-2012 at 5:34 AM
twister22
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You say that your H is the only father she has ever known, and it's awesome that DH stepped up and filled that role for her. However, you need to be honest that he's not her BD. And I think her brother is a great way to do that, if you can maintain a consistent relationship between the two of them (even if it's just 1 visit a year.)

Message her yourself on facebook, or email her. Let her know that DD would love to have a visit with her brother, but that for both of their benefits, this relationship needs to be maintained. Let her know that she cannot have him in and out of her life, that they both deserve better. GL. 


 
12-18-2012 at 7:47 AM
ballmom
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I can totally understand your concern and I think you do have to be careful and make sure that the sibling will stay in regular contact.

I had a similar situation. My DS was adopted by my late-DH. His bio-dad had not seen him since he was 1 (he is now 19, 11 when the adoption happened). Bio-dad also has 2 other sons close to DS's age. I never spoke of the boys because 1) I did not want to confuse him and 2) I did not want to get his hopes up of ever seeing them since the bio-dad never came around. While some may not agree with this, it was what was best for our family at the time and I do not regret it. DS came to me last year and said a friend (who he later learned was a cousin) came to him and told him he had 2 brothers that wanted to meet him. We talked about it, he understood why I never mentioned it, and I explained that at that point in time he had a lot going on and I thought it was best to wait a while to meet them. He has not said any more about it and I am not really sure if he met them or not.


~Amy  
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