Really?

Ok since today is obviously play date on The Bump....

NOPE she doesn't need to be there during active delivery. The End

first of all, have you checked with your doctor and hospital to see if they are even okay with your daughter being there? A lot of places won't allow anyone under 18 to be in the room. secondly, what if things don't go according to plan and complications arise, do you want your daughter to be there for that? I think your best bet is to have your daughter be in the hospital with you, let her be with you while you labor, but have someone else there that can be with her as well, such as your mom or your sister, that way it won't be like you are just kicking out your daughter, you will kick out your mom as well, and as soon as the baby is delivered your daughter and whoever can come back in.

personally I don't think that is something that a 13 year old needs to see, but that is merely my opinion, and I don't have a 13 year old daughter so take my opinion with a grain of salt.  

I think you should definitely have an open discussion with your husband about it, his priority needs to be you and the baby.  what if your daughter gets scared? he isn't going to want to leave you and the baby to tend to her needs, kwim? 

Oh wow. If I ever have another child, I cannot imagine how would I tell her that she wouldn't be allowed in the room with us as a family. 

I'm sorry I'm not much help but she is not 3, so he doesn't have to change her diapers or feed her. I would make sure to pack everything she might need in advance but I think she should be allowed to be in there with you.

My mother and I are incredibly close.  I am her one and only, but if she had been pregnant while I was in my teens, I would have wanted to be there.

If your DH is prone to anxiety attacks, is it possible that your DD would make a better birthing partner?

I also think your husband needs a better reason for her not to be there aside from it being something he wants for himself alone.  I had planned on having my mother with me also, and I would not have allowed my DH to say no, nor was he interested in making the experience about him and I alone.

My brother is 10 years younger than I am and I had a really hard time with him being born- and we have the same parents.

I say let her in. Being the first to hold my brother (C-section) after my parents went a long way in making him my brother, and not a threat to my parent's attention.

I guess Im in the minority here, I wouldnt feel comfortable having one of my children, regardless if they were step, bio, with or without my SO.  Im am pretty much all for the one giving birth to decide, however if she wouldn't have asked do you think that you would have offered?

I guess my POV comes from the labor experience I had with LO.  At one point his heart rate dropped dramatically, nurses came rushing in, I was put on oxygen and I don't even know what else was happened.  His heart rate came back up, but it was a scary few minutes there.  I would have been scared if I was 13 seeing that happen to my mom.  My SS who is 11 now came to visit with my SIL and this was after the epidural and it was uneventful while he was there and he was still a little freaked out.  You know your DD more than anybody and would know the best how she would handle it and her maturity.

I don't think if she isn't in there that it will "divide" your family.  Its okay for you and your H to experience some moments together just you two.  I don't think not having her be there while you deliver a baby will not make her an outsider. There are SO many ways to include older children. Have her help you decorate the nursery, pick out clothing, get the carseat, have her go to an appointment with you (personally not one where your Dr would check for dilation but thats up to you).

MelRC117:

I guess Im in the minority here, I wouldnt feel comfortable having one of my children, regardless if they were step, bio, with or without my SO.  Im am pretty much all for the one giving birth to decide, however if she wouldn't have asked do you think that you would have offered?

I guess my POV comes from the labor experience I had with LO.  At one point his heart rate dropped dramatically, nurses came rushing in, I was put on oxygen and I don't even know what else was happened.  His heart rate came back up, but it was a scary few minutes there.  I would have been scared if I was 13 seeing that happen to my mom.  My SS who is 11 now came to visit with my SIL and this was after the epidural and it was uneventful while he was there and he was still a little freaked out.  You know your DD more than anybody and would know the best how she would handle it and her maturity.

I don't think if she isn't in there that it will "divide" your family.  Its okay for you and your H to experience some moments together just you two.  I don't think not having her be there while you deliver a baby will not make her an outsider. There are SO many ways to include older children. Have her help you decorate the nursery, pick out clothing, get the carseat, have her go to an appointment with you (personally not one where your Dr would check for dilation but thats up to you).

I agree with all of this. DD can still be the first one to meet your baby just after labor is over.

UPDATE: While my OBGYN said that the hospital didn't have any restrictions, I called the hospital to check just in case. Their age requirement is at least 14 years of age. Looks like my daughter will just miss the cut off by almost a year. Sooo, she will be in the room with us up until it's time to push. Then, I am making special arrangements with the hospital that only she is allowed in the room at first so that we can share some moments together as a family. Nobody else will be permitted in until we give the okay. I hope the new plan will serve as a happy medium for all of us involved.

Thanks for your input! It is greatly appreciated!

I need to be brutally honest.  I think you are NUTS for wanting her in the room.

What she's going thru is nothing new for many children. I do not think having her in the room is the answer.  In fact, i think it could do the exact opposite.

1.  Your husband has anxiety attacks - he is not going to be equipped to deal with you, the baby and your daugther. Giving him one more responsibility and person to worry about is not going to help him.

2.  You really want to be having a baby AND worrying about if your other daughter is okay thru the entire process?  Whether your pushing or on a surgical table, you really want to be looking over to her and asking her, "Are you okay honey?"  Focus on your job as a pregnant mother which is: Having the baby.

3.  I don't know about you, but I was on the verge of puking after every push.  I don't really care to see ANYONE puke or on the verge of puking as an adult. That's just one difficult scenario. What if you are having contractions and in great pain - it kills me to see anyone in pain as an adult, it would absolutely be frightening for a child to see their mother in that situation.

4. Or worse - heaven forbid, something goes wrong with you or the baby. She will have to witness serious stuff, and get shoved aside - which is already her worst nightmare.

5. Which brings me to my last point - I am almost certain most doctors, nurses, and hospitals want as few people in the room as possible for good reason. Even if they allow it, what makes you believe that you, your husband or any of those doctors and nurses will pay attention to her?  You are going to be focussed (hopefully) on having the baby and she could very well be shoved in a corner and ignored.  Is that really the message you want to un-intentionally give her?

If she's insecure about the baby - this would not be the first time in the history of babies.  Enlist a trusted family member or family friend she is close to and see if they will assist in making sure she is comfortable at the hospital, she can confide in, and they can talk to her about all these feelings she's having. Maybe someone outside your immediate family circle can help her see she's a major part of this and she will not be forgotten.

dillonwood:

UPDATE: While my OBGYN said that the hospital didn't have any restrictions, I called the hospital to check just in case. Their age requirement is at least 14 years of age. Looks like my daughter will just miss the cut off by almost a year. Sooo, she will be in the room with us up until it's time to push. Then, I am making special arrangements with the hospital that only she is allowed in the room at first so that we can share some moments together as a family. Nobody else will be permitted in until we give the okay. I hope the new plan will serve as a happy medium for all of us involved.

Thanks for your input! It is greatly appreciated!

I think that is a great idea.  Having time for just the family before other family members come in will be a great alternative.  Make sure your family or any others are aware of the plan so they don't feel like they can come in right away as well.  Not sure if you have visitors like this, but I hear stories all the time of pushy post delivery visitors.

cole2144:

MelRC117:

I guess Im in the minority here, I wouldnt feel comfortable having one of my children, regardless if they were step, bio, with or without my SO.  Im am pretty much all for the one giving birth to decide, however if she wouldn't have asked do you think that you would have offered?

I guess my POV comes from the labor experience I had with LO.  At one point his heart rate dropped dramatically, nurses came rushing in, I was put on oxygen and I don't even know what else was happened.  His heart rate came back up, but it was a scary few minutes there.  I would have been scared if I was 13 seeing that happen to my mom.  My SS who is 11 now came to visit with my SIL and this was after the epidural and it was uneventful while he was there and he was still a little freaked out.  You know your DD more than anybody and would know the best how she would handle it and her maturity.

I don't think if she isn't in there that it will "divide" your family.  Its okay for you and your H to experience some moments together just you two.  I don't think not having her be there while you deliver a baby will not make her an outsider. There are SO many ways to include older children. Have her help you decorate the nursery, pick out clothing, get the carseat, have her go to an appointment with you (personally not one where your Dr would check for dilation but thats up to you).

I agree with all of this. DD can still be the first one to meet your baby just after labor is over.

All of this. I'm extremely close with SD and consider her my own. I would have never had her in the actual delivery room with me, she's 9, back in July. When I went in her and H came to visit while I was in the "pre labor" room and we kissed and said our goodbyes. Then she went to IL house while actual labor took place. LO was born at 1:45 and we immediately called to tell IL and they woke her up. H ended up going to get her and she was the 2nd person to hold LO besides the nursing staff. She was only there for maybe an hour, but it was such a special time that I would definitely want her there for that.

Well, I guess that just solved the problem for you. I really like your idea of letting her be the first one to see the baby!

GL 

I wouldn't want my child in the delivery room.  Too many things can happen and it could be very traumatic even if everything goes great for a child of that age.

Tell her that she will be the very first person other than you and your H that will hold the baby and that will always be a special first moment between them.

Don't cater to a 7 year old or you will be doing it forever.

Karma1969:

I wouldn't want my child in the delivery room.  Too many things can happen and it could be very traumatic even if everything goes great for a child of that age.

 

Tell her that she will be the very first person other than you and your H that will hold the baby and that will always be a special first moment between them.

 

Don't cater to a 7 year old or you will be doing it forever.

Her DD is 13.

I'll be giving birth in a few days (induction) and there is no way in heck my stepsons will be in the room during labor even if they were girls. DH and I agreed that there is no way to know if everything will go picture perfect and we:

a) do not want to potentially scar the kids by what they could see during a normal healthy labor process

b) hear me curse like a sailor, which will inevitably happen

c) have to deal with seeing any complications that could arise

 My mom will be bringing them to the hospital when I'm almost done with the pushing so they can be the first ones in the room with DH and I after LO is born so we can all bond as a family. I think as long as your SD has been kept in the baby process then there shouldn't be a problem with bonding and feeling like a family.

Talk with your doctor, and maybe have your DD there.  Have him/her explain possible scenarios and find out if DD will even be allowed in there.

Have a family meeting.  Is your H afraid that your DD will be bored?  That she'll be needy (need to go get food, need to turn the tv on, etc...)?  What does your DD want her role in the delivery room to be?  Why is it important to her?  How do you feel about all of this?

Finally, have a back up plan.  Should anything take a turn for the worse or you can't handle having her in there or she can't handle being in there, you need to know what you'll do if things don't go according to plan.  Because often they don't.

I can see all sides here.  I hope you guys can figure out what's right for your family.

My mom and DH were with me for my labor w/ DD. My mom, MIL, and XH were there for DS. 

My mom is a nurse practitioner and it was really important for me to have her there--both because she's my mom and because she's a nurse.

This is going to sound kinda snotty, but I would not have cared if either XH or DH had objected. Sure, it's their baby, too, but I'm the one pushing it out.

I understand what people are saying about the intimacy of the moment.

But really, with DD there were three doctors (my OB, a resident, and a pedi) and two nurses in the room along with us. And as soon as she was born, they let me see her for about 30 secs before whisking her off to the side of the room to be checked out. I had to lay there for 20 mins while they stitched me up. Then I got maybe 30 mins with her before they took us to a postpartum room. That's obviously not everyone's experience, but both my hospital births have been fairly similar.

It wouldn't be my choice to have my older child in the room, but I wouldn't even raise an eyebrow if it's what another laboring mom wanted.  

Lurker here (but I do have a great "bonus" niece!).  My sister was born when I was 14 & my brother was almost 11.  We were in the room with our parents for all of our mom's labor & delivery.  My parents did the Bradley method, so no pain medication, but my mom also had pit & a forceps delivery.  It was an intense delivery!  My brother & I were & are ok after experiencing that, but our parents prepared us beforehand.  My brother did a "big sibling" class at the hospital.  I was too old & your DD probably is too, but check anyway.  Maybe your DD can take a tour of L&D with you & your husband so she's familiar with the look, smells, & sounds of the unit.  My parents showed us a couple of instructional birth videos so we would know there'd be moaning, yelling, blood, etc.  See if you can find a real (not Hollywood or cleaned up for TV) video to show your daughter if she'll be with you before you get an epi.  And I'd also suggest bringing a support person just for your daughter (grandma, aunt, adult friend).  That person can comfort her if she gets nervous, can get her out of there in a hurry if things get intense, and keep her company while you're pushing.  I think a little preparation will go a long way in keeping all of you calm and lessen your H's anxiety.  

I was the first person to hold my sister.  She's 24 now and I still have a framed pic of us in my house.  Every year on her birthday I use that pic as my Facebook profile pic...and so does my sister!  The exact details of her birth & babyhood are fuzzy now but I still treasure that photo.  When my sister was a screaming little baby or annoying toddler I had days where I wanted to cry, yell, or run away from home.  And the pre-teen years-ugh!  And then one day she was an adult, in college, then married.  Now we relate to each other as adults but when I see that photo I think of all the good baby memories.  Not the bad stuff, just the good.  So yeah, I think making your DD a part of the baby's birth in any way you can is a great idea.  You'll have crazy, insane moments in your home, days when your DD hates you, the new baby, everything.  Help her make as many good, positive memories as you can.  Show her the photos of her holding the baby, talk about the baby's birth, etc.  Someday you'll all be glad you made those memories!

dillonwood:

UPDATE: While my OBGYN said that the hospital didn't have any restrictions, I called the hospital to check just in case. Their age requirement is at least 14 years of age. Looks like my daughter will just miss the cut off by almost a year. Sooo, she will be in the room with us up until it's time to push. Then, I am making special arrangements with the hospital that only she is allowed in the room at first so that we can share some moments together as a family. Nobody else will be permitted in until we give the okay. I hope the new plan will serve as a happy medium for all of us involved.

Thanks for your input! It is greatly appreciated!

This is an amazing idea! Good luck