I know we’re probably all struggling with the holidays coming up… I am certainly struggling A LOT this week. I’m at work but I am not working very much because I just sit at my desk and try to hold back tears (unsuccessfully). I feel like it doesn’t make sense to go home though, because it’s not like that would make me happy, and I’m salaried so I’d be getting paid whether or not I’m sitting at work being only a little productive.
So only for the reason that I might get some help from making a list, I am going to share with you a list of everything that has gotten me down this week. Please add your own list of struggles if you feel up to it. I don’t really know how I want to be supported right now, or how I can support all of you, but I’m thinking the first step is to get a list. (I mention TTC a few times below…)
1. Christmas, duh. How can I be merry if all I am doing is missing my son? I just keep thinking about al l the hopes I had for this holiday season and how quickly they were destroyed.
2. I don’t give a F about presents. STOP ASKING ME WHAT I WANT! YOU CANNOT GET ME WHAT I WANT. I know it is just people trying to show they care, but no matter what, an ornament with Bradley’s name on it will not make everything all better. I do really appreciate everyone’s kind gestures, but I don’t want to deal with pretending that an item will make everything all better.
3. I haven’t lost any weight for more than a week. I used to lose (a hard fought) 3 pounds a week through dieting and exercise. I have 9 pounds to pre-Bradley weight, and not losing any weight this week is not helping me achieve that goal. I wanted to get down to pre-Bradley weight before we conceived again, which we are trying to do ASAP, so I want to lose the weight ASAP.
4. I had 3 BFN pregnancy tests this week. (Guess I have another month to lose 9 pounds…)
5. If we conceive next month the baby would be due on Bradley’s birthday. I don’t know how I feel about that, and realizing I’m not okay with that. I try to tell myself that it would be like Bradley’s gift to me, and it would make it extra special because both my children would share an important date, but its Bradley’s date. So do I take the month off? (At least I’d have an extra month to lose weight!)
6. Babies are everywhere. No, I don’t want to see newborn baby boy clothes around my office. WHY WOULD THEY BE HERE??!?! Please take them home.
7. Bradley would be three months next Friday.
8. I’m 25 and I get I am young, but I wanted to be a young mother, and the fact that I have to wait another year to have a baby at home with me is causing me a lot of anxiety lately. I’m a control freak, and I can’t apparently control my uterus. Not cool.
I think that is it. Please make me feel less like an imbalanced crazy person and share with me what your struggles are. I hope that it helps bring you peace. I think actually typing my list out has helped me, hopefully now my brain can try to focus on my work.