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12-18-2012 at 3:56 PM
KateLouise
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help me stay strong with gentle discipline of 2 yr old in the face of in-laws

So I try and follow gentle discipline with my children. At the moment DD1 is struggling with sharing toys and attention with her very mobile little sister. (no great shock there, she's a few weeks shy of 3)

Often she grabs toys, or pushes her little sister. Generally I return the toy to DD2, comfort if she needs it. Comfort DD1 if she's upset about not having the toy and re-state that we don't grab toys, that she'll need to wait for her turn. We discuss other ways of dealing with the problem like asking Mum to move the baby if the baby is grabbing her toys rather than pushing her sister over etc.

Sometimes I remove DD1 to her room if she's just not letting up with the kicking and pushing, but not for any length of time, just to give everyone a moment to themselves. 

I feel like we're making headway and she's learning. She's often wonderful at sharing with DD2, and bringing her toys and books to look at unprompted. I also think sharing's a tough concept when you're 2.

I'm predicting Christmas day will end up with a very over excited 2 yr old, and some increase of these behaviours. So I just need a pep talk to bolster my confidence in the face of in-laws who get all, "oh so she's no good at sharing then?" and want me to smack her.

Also any other strategies gratefully received. 
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12-18-2012 at 5:14 PM
TiffanyBer...
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It sounds like she's doing great!

Perhaps you can pre-emptively ask DD1 to give DD2 a toy, before either of them is playing with it?  I don't know if that would help.

Perhaps encourage DD1 to "take turns" with DD2, so she can play with whatever it is (even if it is baby's) for at least a minute?  I know DD1 may get upset, too, but it's that balance, right?

I dunno - I think you're doing great.  Keep giving her lots of opportunities to take turns (the phrase we use when it's a single item and cannot be used by two people simultaneously) or share (the phrase we use when it's really splitting something up or being used at the same time - like with food or a pile of blocks or a toy that one person pushes and one person rides).  But it sounds like you're really working on it and she's just in the middle of a stage (ok, a long stage, judging from the kids I've known going through that age) that is really tough on sharing.
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12-18-2012 at 5:28 PM
MeghanGdB
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Sounds like you are using language that can be understood by other adults - hopefully they will understand that you are helping DD1 to learn to share with her sister.  

 

I'll be listening in on this conversation, I've got an almost-3 year old who is almost always ready to pitch a fit when toys must be shared.  Thanks for asking about it! 
 
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12-18-2012 at 7:22 PM
ClaryPax
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I think you are doing wonderful, and that the real problem is the in-laws.  I would work on responses to them/ strategies for dealing with them with your H. 

For example what would you say when they recommend that you spank her?  Do you and your H have an answer prepared for that?  Because from your previous posts it sounds very likely that they will say this no matter what you do. 

Also try to keep her from being overly excited by sticking to naps/ mealtimes, and if you are visiting their house be prepared to leave if she gets overtired.  If they are at your house, go ahead and take her to her room to calm down and read books etc if she gets overly excited.  Good Luck- you can survive the holidays with your in-laws!  

 
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12-18-2012 at 7:55 PM
Carla6394
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you are doing a fantastic job!  Keep doing exactly what you are doing because you are on the right track.

Best of luck to you and happy holidays

 
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12-18-2012 at 9:14 PM
Emerald27
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What you are doing now sounds perfect to me!!! Don't change a thing. Hopefully the holidays will go smoothly and DD1 will be so excited about her gifts that she will pretty much leave DD2 alone. Best of luck!

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12-18-2012 at 11:54 PM
LatteLady5
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Everything PP's have said. Also you could talk to her before you are with your inlaws. Tell her how proud you are of her and she's been doing a great job sharing. Maybe even encourage her to show off her sharing skills to grandma and grandpa (or whatever she calls your inlaws.)
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12-19-2012 at 1:07 PM
honkytonk_...
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Think of yourself as an ambassador for gentle discipline. I don't know if your in-laws/family includes young families other than yourself- mine does- and I remind myself that they may have never seen an intentionally gentle parent and it's my job to show them it CAN be done.
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12-19-2012 at 4:18 PM
mrscjmb941...
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I agree with everyone that you are doing a great thing for both your DDs...

Also agree with PP who said you and H need to have stock responses for ILs. And use them. Even if you feel like you sound like a broken record.

And just to be devil's advocate, please teach your daughters to respond to ILs who threaten violence with 'We don't hit/smack, we must use gentle hands!' 
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12-19-2012 at 7:31 PM
RioG1978
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I don't have any advice, I just want to say how much I admire your determination, and to thank you for your presence on this board.  I'm a FTM and also have in-laws who believe in and administer corporal punishment (people my age, it is really alarming to see) and I so strongly disagree with their parenting style it makes me ill to be around them on occasion.

I love the phrase "intentionally gentle parenting" and that describes perfectly the approach I want to have. 

Good luck to you!
 
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12-20-2012 at 3:56 AM
KateLouise
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Thanks ladies for the positive words. I really like the use of "taking turns" and "sharing" when differentiating between different types of toys/things.

My in-laws don't actually say, "oh you should give her a smack." so it's hard to actually make any upfront statements to them. There was the incident I posted about a few days ago where MIL smacked LO, and beyond that I just get a vibe where everything we say to LO is being watched and criticised. 

To my mind their statements of, "so she's not good at sharing." imply I should be doing something to improve that, and that what we're doing isn't working. Or it's implying that she's bad/unpleasant/naughty, which to my mind is worse.

Maybe I'm too sensitive, and I know it's easy to think our child can do no wrong. I really don't think DD1 is perfect, but I do think she's very sweet. 
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12-20-2012 at 8:22 AM
ClaryPax
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KateLouise:

Thanks ladies for the positive words. I really like the use of "taking turns" and "sharing" when differentiating between different types of toys/things.

My in-laws don't actually say, "oh you should give her a smack." so it's hard to actually make any upfront statements to them. There was the incident I posted about a few days ago where MIL smacked LO, and beyond that I just get a vibe where everything we say to LO is being watched and criticised. 

To my mind their statements of, "so she's not good at sharing." imply I should be doing something to improve that, and that what we're doing isn't working. Or it's implying that she's bad/unpleasant/naughty, which to my mind is worse.

Maybe I'm too sensitive, and I know it's easy to think our child can do no wrong. I really don't think DD1 is perfect, but I do think she's very sweet. 

I am not there of course, but from what you describe it seems like a combinations of things.  You possibly are being too sensitive.  They seem critical, but really do you care all that much what they think?  You are mom and what you says goes, so I think you should definitely own that. Don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't good enough.

Also, like I said they are being overly critical etc.  And I still give them a major side eye for spanking your LO in front of you WTF.  I still think you need a strategy here. So what do you say when they say that she is not good at sharing? One suggestion might be to say, "she's 3" in kind of a what do you expect tone of voice?  Or just ignore them, or whatever works for you and doesn't cause you stress. But I think having a plan, like you are trying to do will help a lot.  You are doing a great job!

 
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12-21-2012 at 2:20 PM
KateLouise
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ClaryPax:
KateLouise:

Thanks ladies for the positive words. I really like the use of "taking turns" and "sharing" when differentiating between different types of toys/things.

My in-laws don't actually say, "oh you should give her a smack." so it's hard to actually make any upfront statements to them. There was the incident I posted about a few days ago where MIL smacked LO, and beyond that I just get a vibe where everything we say to LO is being watched and criticised. 

To my mind their statements of, "so she's not good at sharing." imply I should be doing something to improve that, and that what we're doing isn't working. Or it's implying that she's bad/unpleasant/naughty, which to my mind is worse.

Maybe I'm too sensitive, and I know it's easy to think our child can do no wrong. I really don't think DD1 is perfect, but I do think she's very sweet. 

I am not there of course, but from what you describe it seems like a combinations of things.  You possibly are being too sensitive.  They seem critical, but really do you care all that much what they think?  You are mom and what you says goes, so I think you should definitely own that. Don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't good enough.

Also, like I said they are being overly critical etc.  And I still give them a major side eye for spanking your LO in front of you WTF.  I still think you need a strategy here. So what do you say when they say that she is not good at sharing? One suggestion might be to say, "she's 3" in kind of a what do you expect tone of voice?  Or just ignore them, or whatever works for you and doesn't cause you stress. But I think having a plan, like you are trying to do will help a lot.  You are doing a great job!

It's not so much that I care about what they think afterwards when I reflect on it. It's just I feel awkward in the moment.

Part of the awkwardness is the social situation. When I say in-laws, I mean it will be MIL and DH's aunt. No one talks to each other so we all just kinda sit around in silence with the odd comment being made. (I used to make big efforts to get conversations going, but I've long since given up and basically play with the girls) So when a situation occurs with the kids, "everyone" stares and listens to you. It's not like dealing with it in a crowded room where people are busily engaged in conversation.

So I just feel scrutinised, and that can make me doubt myself in the moment.

Anyway I'm sure it will all be fine, and we'll get through it all. 

 
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12-22-2012 at 1:03 AM
Bride-hild...
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I was reading lately that our concept of sharing is total BS and that we should only really get our kids to share when they're not playing with said toy, or when said toy isn't even there's, etc. Of course, if we were playing a video game and someone came in and wanted to play with it that second, our parents wouldn't come in and say, "Why don't you play with it another minute, then let your friend play with it." But what we would do is let our friend play when we were done, or good and ready.

Now, when it comes to grabbing, I would use gentle discipline in the form of a time-out. I don't think there's anything wrong with a time-out, and it does a world of good. Super Nanny really turned me on to time outs, and they don't need to be any longer than one minute per child's age. Children have to learn that certain behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. 
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