community

all boards


birth clubs



my blog

Sort:
12-24-2012 at 11:37 AM
sntotolo
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-16-2011
6,916 Points
sntotolo is not online. Last active: 04-19-2013, 1:49 PMNewbie

Babyproofing your marriage...

So, upon a recommendation from a friend (who is neither married, or has children), I blindly picked up this book. She was told, from another friend that it was a “must read”. Well, I am about 1 chapter in and I want to throw it in the fireplace. I know, I know, I need to give it a chance but yikes, it’s pretty depressing. I realize life with a baby is an adjustment, and we are no longer going to having sex on the kitchen island, or jet setting to NYC for the weekend, but according to this book, life is essentially over. I was under the impression that it got better, for us as individuals, for us as a family, and the love just grew larger with family… Yes, I understand that it gets hard, that bringing a baby into the home is a BIG change… but, should I prepare for the worst like this book has me believing or should we toss the book and pave our own path?

 

Again, only one chapter in…

 

12-24-2012 at 11:46 AM
lifesadanc...
Not Ranked
Joined on 05-04-2009
Illinois
14,316 Points
lifesadance is not online. Last active: 05-13-2013, 9:47 PMSilver

I haven't read that book.  In my experience, our relationship has become better, stronger, closer in the 3 years we have had our son than it did in the 5.5 years of marriage before baby.  I suppose it depends on your life prebaby and what you decide to do with baby too.  I was not a big party girl before baby but I liked to go out every now and then.  DH and I just make sure to support one another and give the other what they need.  I think it's all about communicating your needs.  I'll say, "I need a night out." and he's cool with that and he stays home with DS.  We used to go out to dinner with friends and sometimes still do but we would rather hang out with our kid so usually it's friends coming over for dinner then hanging out with our son and us together.  I know couples that were big travelers before kids and that slowed down in the first couple of years but once the kids were 3 or so yrs. old they were hauling them to Mexico, Europe, ... you name it. 

 I guess the important thing is just communicating what you both want and finding ways to meet everyone's needs the best way possible.  Life will be different but I think it can be so much better with kids than without, or at least just as good. 

I hope the book gets less depressing for you.  Otherwise, there is always the fireplace option.  :o)

 


Lilypie Pregnancy tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers  
12-24-2012 at 11:50 AM
agytay
Not Ranked
Joined on 07-09-2010
5,824 Points
agytay is not online. Last active: 05-17-2013, 12:44 PMBronze

I haven't read the book but will share my experience. I EBF and so life was basically over for me for the first 3 months until LO could go longer in periods of times without eating. I definitely wasn't ready for what was in store. I had zero independence and was always connected to a baby. It is a big adjustment to say the least, but it does get better as the baby gets older. I felt like a free woman when I ended my year goal of BF. I think that if you FF, you can resume a more normal life a bit sooner since anyone can feed the baby.

(Not trying to start a BF vs. FF war, just sharing my experience.) 

 
12-24-2012 at 11:52 AM
UberBiz
Not Ranked
Joined on 06-18-2012
49,091 Points
UberBiz is not online. Last active: 03-28-2013, 2:52 PMSilver
I hate when people think life ends after you have kids. Me and FI already had a kid each when we met, and we seem to be coping fine. lol. I'm sure things will change once we have a newborn of our own instead of just our daughters, but I don't foresee things changing that much.

 
12-24-2012 at 12:14 PM
rayofsunsh...
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-10-2008
Blaine
40,739 Points
rayofsunshine99 is not online. Last active: 05-13-2013, 7:52 PMSilver

Life doesn't "end" but there are definitely some big changes ahead and some of your biggest struggles as a couple are yet to come.  Factors that never existed in your marriage will soon come up and you don't know how you or your H will handle it until you get there.  There will soon be a ton more responsibility added to your household and while a lot of H's are great about helping as much as they can, there's also a lot of mommies who end up with the majority of the baby care, on top of the responsibilities she already had.

My H and I weren't married yet when DS came along and I'll be honest, after the first month that DS was born (which was like a honeymoon phase and my now-husband was really helpful at first), the next 8 months or so were hell on our relationship and when I look back I am still amazed that we made it through it without splitting up.  Lol.  We fought all.the.time and there were a lot of resentment issues.  So all of that combined with the lack of time for each other can definitely be challenging.  But it's good to be prepared and talk about things ahead of time etc...

ETA  obviously this doesn't happen for everyone, but it certainly did for me and many of my friends also had a lot of disputes about the parenting responsibilities with their H's and fought more in the first year or so of baby's life, than they'd had prior to that.  Plus I think that sharing of responsibilities tend to be one of the most common things that couples fight/disagree about anyway, regardless if they have kids or not.


BFP Chart, EDD 4/21/13
It's a GIRL!

 BabyFetus Ticker

Photobucket

3 babies in Heaven (1 miscarriage in 2006, 2 ectopics in 2012 - EDDs 9/29/12 & 1/29/13)
one on earth (DS born 10/29/08) and one in my belly. ♥

WOOT!!! My TBBFF SweetC80 is KTFU!!!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic 
12-24-2012 at 12:15 PM
hisbabygir...
Not Ranked
Joined on 12-26-2011
31,204 Points
hisbabygirl76 is not online. Last active: 05-17-2013, 7:56 AMBronze

So my life did drastically change when I became a mom. BUT I was only 18. So yeah the life of a teen was over and I had to grow up REAL fast (which I did and didnt mind and dont regret it one bit , being a mom has been the best thing that ever happened to me). Fast forward 7yrs and baby #2 and my life changed dramatically AGAIN because my 2nd child was born very ill and that was a huge adjustment. Almost 3 years later my youngest came into the picture and I figured it would change dramatically again. Thankfully she fell right into the routine I had going with the other two. Its now been 8yrs since I had her and I know my life will change again with #4 coming but my life with my FI will be pretty similar as we are used to needing a sitter if we want a date night, used to taking the little ones every where else we go and enjoy our family trips and outings more then anything anyway.

That all being said I think Id toss the book. yes life changes, does it end, NO. You change, you adjust and before you know it you will wonder if you can even remember what life was like before that little bundle was in your life.


Proud 36yr old Mama of 4  Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Wedding Countdown Ticker 
12-24-2012 at 12:30 PM
SRK128
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-03-2011
19,471 Points
SRK128 is not online. Last active: 05-17-2013, 5:31 AMBronze
My marriage has become better since having kids.

Married to Brandon since 2/14/06
Twin Girls born on January 1st 2012:Brooklyn Avery(Brooke) & Eliana Meredith(Ellie)
Ellie and Brooke both have Juvenile Diabetes
Adopted a Brother and Sister in January of 2012
Levi Ryan-October 25th 2007 and Caroline Paige(Carly)-July 23rd 2009
Jonah Samuel born April 21st 2013 at 41 weeks!!!!!! Lilypie First Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers
My Family Blog 
12-24-2012 at 12:31 PM
libfish825
Not Ranked
Joined on 04-03-2011
3,340 Points
libfish825 is not online. Last active: 05-10-2013, 1:26 PMNewbie

I guess it all depends on our definition of "life."

If living, to you, is only possible with the potential for serious spontenaiety (a.k.a.jet setting to NYC) then yes... life might be over for a while.

 

What will really make the difference is if you and SO discuss the new meaning "life" will have for you when there is a child to share it with.  Let life now become all about the moments of child-rearing that take your breath away or have you laughing harder than you've ever laughed before or that suck when they happen but make for great stories later. If you think this way, you'll realize that your life began when you had children.

 

Plus, things like sex on the kitchen island are still totally do-able. 


Photobucket pregnancy week by week  
12-24-2012 at 2:27 PM
MarchABC
Not Ranked
Joined on 04-05-2010
North Carolina
5,885 Points
MarchABC is not online. Last active: 04-30-2013, 5:49 PMBronze
libfish825:

What will really make the difference is if you and SO discuss the new meaning "life" will have for you when there is a child to share it with.  Let life now become all about the moments of child-rearing that take your breath away or have you laughing harder than you've ever laughed before or that suck when they happen but make for great stories later. If you think this way, you'll realize that your life began when you had children.

Expectations are the hardest part of having children. I was blind-sided by some of the things that would be most difficult (namely sleep deprivation which leads to silly arguments and strange power struggles). I'd say if this book opens your mind to the possibilities of things not being "picture perfect" it's worth a read. It may not happen to you but at least you might have more reasonable expectations than I did the first time around.  I would say my husband and I, in our moments of sleep deprivation and frustration, have done/said things that we're both not proud of - and these things would probably have never come up if we didn't have a baby. However, I love what libfish said. Our lives together are also so much fuller and more beautiful. We will always be better for the hard times we've been through and we love each other more and more every day. I particularly love watching him with our son. He's an amazing daddy and he blows me away. 


 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker  IAmPregnant Ticker 
12-24-2012 at 2:34 PM
rayofsunsh...
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-10-2008
Blaine
40,739 Points
rayofsunshine99 is not online. Last active: 05-13-2013, 7:52 PMSilver
MarchABC:

Expectations are the hardest part of having children. I was blind-sided by some of the things that would be most difficult (namely sleep deprivation which leads to silly arguments and strange power struggles). I'd say if this book opens your mind to the possibilities of things not being "picture perfect" it's worth a read. It may not happen to you but at least you might have more reasonable expectations than I did the first time around.  I would say my husband and I, in our moments of sleep deprivation and frustration, have done/said things that we're both not proud of - and these things would probably have never come up if we didn't have a baby. However, I love what libfish said. Our lives together are also so much fuller and more beautiful. We will always be better for the hard times we've been through and we love each other more and more every day. I particularly love watching him with our son. He's an amazing daddy and he blows me away. 

This was very well said.  I very much agree.  :) 


BFP Chart, EDD 4/21/13
It's a GIRL!

 BabyFetus Ticker

Photobucket

3 babies in Heaven (1 miscarriage in 2006, 2 ectopics in 2012 - EDDs 9/29/12 & 1/29/13)
one on earth (DS born 10/29/08) and one in my belly. ♥

WOOT!!! My TBBFF SweetC80 is KTFU!!!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic 
12-24-2012 at 4:03 PM
Bink720
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-06-2006
Seattle Area
18,716 Points
Bink720 is not online. Last active: 05-17-2013, 9:54 PMSilver
rayofsunshine99:

Life doesn't "end" but there are definitely some big changes ahead and some of your biggest struggles as a couple are yet to come.  Factors that never existed in your marriage will soon come up and you don't know how you or your H will handle it until you get there.  There will soon be a ton more responsibility added to your household and while a lot of H's are great about helping as much as they can, there's also a lot of mommies who end up with the majority of the baby care, on top of the responsibilities she already had.

My H and I weren't married yet when DS came along and I'll be honest, after the first month that DS was born (which was like a honeymoon phase and my now-husband was really helpful at first), the next 8 months or so were hell on our relationship and when I look back I am still amazed that we made it through it without splitting up.  Lol.  We fought all.the.time and there were a lot of resentment issues.  So all of that combined with the lack of time for each other can definitely be challenging.  But it's good to be prepared and talk about things ahead of time etc...

ETA  obviously this doesn't happen for everyone, but it certainly did for me and many of my friends also had a lot of disputes about the parenting responsibilities with their H's and fought more in the first year or so of baby's life, than they'd had prior to that.  Plus I think that sharing of responsibilities tend to be one of the most common things that couples fight/disagree about anyway, regardless if they have kids or not.

rayofsunshine99:
MarchABC:

Expectations are the hardest part of having children. I was blind-sided by some of the things that would be most difficult (namely sleep deprivation which leads to silly arguments and strange power struggles). I'd say if this book opens your mind to the possibilities of things not being "picture perfect" it's worth a read. It may not happen to you but at least you might have more reasonable expectations than I did the first time around.  I would say my husband and I, in our moments of sleep deprivation and frustration, have done/said things that we're both not proud of - and these things would probably have never come up if we didn't have a baby. However, I love what libfish said. Our lives together are also so much fuller and more beautiful. We will always be better for the hard times we've been through and we love each other more and more every day. I particularly love watching him with our son. He's an amazing daddy and he blows me away. 

This was very well said.  I very much agree.  :)  

I very much agree with these 2 ladies.  I refer to my first pregnancy and the first few months of my son's life as the longest year of my life.  It was hard.  Not only are you learning your new roles and duties with the baby, but you are learning an entire new way to be as a family and a new way to relate to your H.  There is a lot of adjustment and change.  And the problem is that the lack of sleep means you are doing all this with little to no patience.  Things that normally you wouldn't even blink at will turn into WW3.  Eventually you get things figured out.  DH and I worked through things as a team.  Did we fight? Yes, a lot.  But we are also stronger for it.  DS was six months old when H said, "We are really lucky. I see why so many people get divorced within the first few years of having kids."  And it's true.  Children are a wonderful blessing and bring so much meaning to your life.  But people also need to be prepared for the toll it's going to take on your marriage.  It's not easy, but in the end it's worth it.


 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker  Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker О Привязать! Z! My BFP Chart 
12-24-2012 at 10:22 PM
sherina825
Not Ranked
Joined on 07-07-2008
Virginia
16,006 Points
sherina825 is not online. Last active: 05-17-2013, 9:11 PMSilver
I think everyone had very good comments based on their experiences. My marriage didn't get better or worse but it did change. While many said that that had to deal with expectations, the issue I ran into was that there were issues that I didn't think about or weren't issues until after we became parents.

 
12-25-2012 at 2:19 PM
Grace0609
Not Ranked
Joined on 04-30-2010
Wisconsin
46,554 Points
Grace0609 is not online. Last active: 05-17-2013, 10:51 PMGold

I really don't know what marriage was like prior to adding kids since we got pregnant 6 weeks after we got married, and then I was sick for months after that, and then all the sudden we had a baby.  I do sort of feel like life completely changed.  It's obviously not *over*, but between working, caring for kids, and trying to care for the house, I don't really have time to myself anymore, and my husband and I only go out every couple months.  But, he has a weird schedule for work, too, so that contributes as well.  Also, each time we have started to get into a rhythm with the kids I have gotten pregnant and had another one to add to the mix.

I don't think the first several years of having kids is supposed to really be "fun"... so I guess you just power through.  It is rewarding, but I wouldn't call it fun.  That's my honest take on it.  It is a LOT of work.



 BabyFruit Ticker
~ Noah - 2009 ~
~ Caleb - 2011 ~
~ Baby Boy #3 - Expected 4.27.13 ~
My BFP Chart
 
12-25-2012 at 6:20 PM
amy715
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-18-2009
2,790 Points
amy715 is not online. Last active: 05-14-2013, 5:38 PMNewbie
This baby will be our first but my husband was mistakenly under the impression that our lives would end after the baby was born. After talking to a few of our friends with kids, he's seen the light. We know that our lives will change, but they won't be over. We'll have to find more baby friendly places to eat rather than 4 star restaurants and our usually vacation spots will have to wait until our daughter gets older, but we'll still have a life. My mom has even offered to babysit every other weekend so that my husband and I can have date nights. And as for having sex on the kitchen island, remember, your baby won't be up and walking around on their own for quite while, so they aren't likely to walk in on you. Wink

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers  Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Hot Topics

New dad or dad-to-be? Chat with other dads here!
Visit the Dads & Dads-to-be board

Need baby shower inspiration? Get ideas here!
Visit the Baby Showers board

Chat with other crafty moms here!
Visit the Crafty Moms board

search boards

choose another board