Loss

Intro (ticker warning)

RedheadBaker — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 00:33:43 GMT

Hello.

I found I was expecting Baby #2 in February. I was due October 26th. Earlier this month (June 2nd) at 19 weeks, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling wet. I went into the bathroom, and a lot of fluid gushed out, and some brown blood.

I went to the ER. A nurse midwife did a quick ultrasound to show me the heartbeat, for "reassurance."

A doctor finished the ultrasound and told me that my water had broken. I thought I would be put on hospital bedrest, but Baby needed amniotic fluid to help his/her lungs develop, and I had no fluid left.

They gave me the option of an induction or a D&E. I wanted so badly to see my baby, but was also very afraid. I wasn't contracting, and the doctors said (like an induction at the end of pregnancy) if my body wasn't ready for labor, the induction could end in a D&E anyway. I opted for the D&E. My blood pressure and heart rate dropped during the procedure, and I had to spend the night in the ICU.

My anatomy scan was supposed to be last Friday. Instead, I will have to find out our baby's sex from the genetic testing we opted to have done on the remains.

My fiance and I are just devastated. We have an 18 month old son, who is just a joy. My pregnancy with him was pretty complication free, and he was full-term.

Going back to work without a baby:(

fouadi — Thu, 20 Jun 2013 01:57:12 GMT

I am just struggling with the thought of.. after having my 8 weeks off, if I should go back to work. To face all these I am sorry..plus my boss who is a friend of mine is pregnant also. I feel things would be better if I try to conceive first and come back once I am pregnant again. I come back with nothing just memories. I did save up monies where I could take off and do a few cycles of ivf before going back and at least if I come back with a bfp, I would feel I could hold my head up. I am just so lost. I do not want to replace my boys I just have the need to one day bring a baby home. My job is very high stress and hard manual labor. I may not be high risk, the next time. Even though I was never told I should have been seen by a high risk doctor until it was too late. I do believe my job contributed to the loss. It is a hard labor job, I vividly remember the harsh pulling thru my tummy as I worked the last day. This was before they said the placenta detached and made my cervix open. What would you all do?

Sitting in an office...

amandager99 — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 21:29:25 GMT

Full of pregnant women listening to then talk about all the joys is just plain cruel. A number of them, 7 months along, can't wait to get them out. I would give anything to still have Daniel inside me. So now I'm sitting alone in the hallway crying waiting for the nurse to call me. It's just not fair, what did I do to deserve this? Why don't I get to have my precious son? Why do I have to have this hole in my heart, this piece of me missing?

Jewelry

mrsgerman — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 17:00:06 GMT

I bought a bracelet off Etsy that has a gold disc with a J imprinted on it along with a emerald green bead (May birthstone) hanging from the chain. It was very inexpensive ($30) and probably an impulse buy.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/83191639/on-sale-10-off-initial?ref=br_feed_40&br_feed_tlp=jewelry

I knew upon buying it that it wasn't the highest quality but I think I just wanted something so bad right away that I could wear I didn't care. Well yesterday the bead fell off. Luckily it was while I was at my desk so I found it and was able to do a quick fix.

I am wondering if you ladies have found any good sites or other etsy vendors that do personalized jewelry that is of a higher quality. I'm OK with paying for good quality since I plan to wear it everyday and would like for it to last. I am looking for a simple design like what I have purchased. I like the memorial jewelry but I think I would rather it be more simple and not so obvious that it is an in memorial piece. I don't want to have attention created from it or have anyone start asking questions about it. I prefer a bracelet but am open to a necklace.

Q's to ask at D and E follow up appt? ticker warning

RedheadBaker — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:34:54 GMT

I lost my baby at 19w due to pProm, and had a DE. My follow up appointment is in a couple of weeks.

If you were in a similar situation, what questions did you have? Obviously, we want to know why, though we know it's unlikely that they'll have answers. We'll probably get autopsy results then.

We're unsure if we'll try again. Frankly, I'm terrified at the thought, but we will ask when it is safe to TTC again, if we decide to do it.

Anything else?

When to start again?

fouadi — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 21:03:39 GMT

I am so sadden that I lost my boys, but I feel the need to start again. It took me 1 year and a half ivf to get the beautiful boys. I just feel at least if I am back talking to doctors and getting things prepare will help me heal. I may sound stupid but I would like to take a baby home. I have been on and off trying to have a baby for 10 years so I don't feel to stop at this loss. Its so fresh but being pregnant made me whole, without being pregnant or bringing a baby home I feel empty. What do you ladies think?

Up at it again today..long thoughts

fouadi — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 10:57:26 GMT

Trying to get a few things done, like finding a burial place. I just wish things could be like they were/ normal. I have 8 weeks to get things together. I have come to terms that they will not be around, but will always be mine and one day be someone brothers. I loved those little guys more than the world. They came at a time in my life when I needed them most, they were the most perfect angels. They came breathing and moving, but a few weeks shy of being able to breathe with a machine. Sometimes I wonder were they a sneak preview of what is to come. I learned so much thru this journey, The one thing I do know is God does not make mistakes. I do know things could have been so much worse. I could have taking bouncing babies home and 10 days later something could have happened and I couldn't live with that. Instead they were housed in my body, only have smelled me, have only heard my voice and were all mine. I gather so much strength from that. I will still prepare there room because my angels would want to see it complete. I took some things back because after being with them I am sure they would have laughed about those items. Well this is how my day is looking. How about yours?

My nightmare:(

fouadi — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 02:07:39 GMT

Well yesterday I went in for light bleeding and it turned into a nightmare. I was fully dilated and lost both boys. They were so perfect, I stayed at the doctors throughout the pregnancy, but they still missed it. I loved these boys, they were to young to keep alive, I held them yesterday for about 3 hours and today for 2hours I guess I move on to loss. I came from infertility, to multiples and go to loss. They don't know the cause but they say low lying placenta. I am still in shock, wanting to either feel them kick or take them home. The hospital was amazing with everything afterwards. I never thought I could deliver and hold them, but at least I know I am stronger than I thought. Now I get ready for a burial of my 2 perfect angels:( Hopefully I will be accepted around here.

I feel completely out of control!!

GBabyMom — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 19:40:26 GMT

These insane emotions have me on edge every second. I feel like I am a complete mess most of the time. If I try to go out I just end up running home, back to my safe place, because I can't handle my emotions when I see pregnant women or babies. I don't feel like I am moving forward at all.

My cousin's wife had their twin boys this morning. She made it to 37 weeks and they are so healthy. I am very happy for them and so thrilled they are here and healthy. How can I be so happy for them and so angry and jealous at the same time? They have these perfect little twin boys and I just keep thinking they should be mine, which I know makes no sense!!

How did you ladies handle your emotions with family members welcoming their new babies?

I'm sorry, this may not even make any sense!!

*cherrycobbler**

Petunia844 — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 17:59:05 GMT

I'm picking up the shipping boxes today (finally!) and will get your painting in the mail tomorrow!

For anyone else lurking.... I still don't have the new stencils to do the rest of the paintings, should have them soon.

Venting...very upset and frankly pissed off

cawettig — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 20:23:36 GMT

Today has been hard, I was so excited for DH to have his first fathers day with Arianna. Today we are both having a very hard time. My DH best friend and his wife were over today meeting someone to buy their car from them. I have talked about before how hard it is to be around his wife right now because she is due in a month. They guy that was buying their car from them was in our dining room and they were signing papers, they say good bye and thank you and then I hear it and omg did it hurt so f'ing bad..."Thank you and congrats on the new baby coming! I hope everything goes well and it is healthy!" My chest was on fire... all I could think about was when they told us her heart stopped beating. I know she deserves to hear that but omg did it kill me. I am so hurt by it. I am so sick of everyone having babies all around me, I am sick of the meth addicted pieces of crap that come into my work pregnant with no prenatal care. I am so f'ing sick of crying babies everywhere. I am so sick of being so angry at everyone when they did nothing to deserve it (well besides the p.o.s meth heads that come in). Sorry I just needed to vent.

Back to Work

Shamylb — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 04:33:29 GMT

Tomorrow will be my first day back to work after 3 months! I've never been sooo nervous. I have so much anxiety about facing everyone & even dealing with our customers. And I'm truly sad that my time home is over. My husband is really trying to be supportive & reassure me that I'll be fine...and deep down inside I know it's true. But I'm having such a hard time accepting that it's back to business as usual. I've had to face a lot of realizations in these last 3 months, but this feels like the grand finale.

2 Months

JessicaG220 — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:47:05 GMT

Today is two months since Ava left us. It still boggles my mind that I am sitting here at work, 10 days before my due date, and there is no baby in my belly. Yesterday sucked... My family and I went out for dinner for Father's Day, and my mom and sister couldn't seem to understand why I was sad. That annoyed me. It was like, yes I am aware that it's Father's Day, not Mother's Day, but that doesn't make it any less significant. My doctor said Ava would more than likely be born early, so DH and I both thought she'd be with us on Father's Day. It hurts. So we didn't even go to my parents' afterward to visit. It sucks that no one fully understands unless they've been here. I know in my mind that she's gone, but my heart can't accept the gaping hole that she used to fill. I start to feel like I'm not making any progress toward healing, but then I remember the days I spent crying and laying on the couch, and I realize I am slowly recovering and that it's ok to still feel sad.

TTCAL CheckIn

Mrs Nice — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 23:02:21 GMT

Hello Ladies,

Welcome to Friday TTCAL CheckIn!

I hope I can find you all well and positive this week! Please don't be shy in asking the PGAL/PAL ladies questions if you have them. Lots of baby dust on all of you!

Where are you in your TTCAL journey?

Do you have any relevant appointments upcoming?

QOTW: How did you know that you were ready to TTCAL?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Tough spell lately (warning: rainbow baby mentioned)

weddedwife — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 04:17:03 GMT

Proof that even over a year out from loss, grief just hits you sometimes. I've been having a tough time lately. I read a few faith-based books recently about child/baby loss upon others' recommendations. I haven't been a believer for quite some time. But these books got me thinking, and I'm confused. I don't know what to think.

Also, my interactions in public can be so draining. I'm out & about a lot with my 3 yo and/or our rainbow baby, both girls. I get a lot of questions and/or comments from random people or acquaintances: "Is this your first?" "Do you have any other children?" "Be thankful you don't have boys!" People comment on the age difference between my two girls and how it's "ideal". Well I had other plans. My responses vary depending on who's asking and my mood. But it's tiring- I'm tired of feeling different, guarded, worried what question they might ask next. I can fake it but really, I can't relate to most people anymore. It always comes back to this experience that they can't understand. This experience that shapes every single part of me now.

I'm constantly paranoid about our rainbow baby. Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Lately she's started rolling onto her tummy at night. When I find her that way in the crib a cold fear grips my chest and I feel sick until I'm assured she's okay. I dread those night time checks because of the feeling it creates in the pit of my stomach. The anxiety is overwhelming in that moment.

I miss my son. I miss my life. I miss being the laid back person I was. And yet I love our rainbow to pieces; it's just complicated. I wish I could just love her without her existence being conditional on our son's death. It's an awful burden to bear.

No point to this post, really. Just need to vent to people who get it. Thanks for listening.

Today should have been

angelsnight — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 18:11:16 GMT

my baby shower. Instead I went to pay the balance on her gravestone. But, it's very beautiful and I love it. There is a picture of it in my blog (in siggy) if anyone wants to see it.

This week has been rough, I think because I was anxious about today. Hopefully once today passes I can have a few more weeks of feeling better before the anxiety kicks in as my due date approaches.

Loss CheckIn

Mrs Nice — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 23:00:47 GMT

Hello Ladies!

Welcome to our Friday checkin!

I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: Have you had any dreams or any other signs that reminded you of your angel?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Randomness

JessicaG220 — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 15:30:14 GMT

I suppose I should first address the elephant in the room... Happy Father's Day to all of the wonderful dads out there. We may not have our sweet angels in our arms to remind us what amazing parents we are, but we were all parents to living babies at some point in pregnancy and we all deserve the same recognition. I hope we all get through the day with support from those we love.

The weekend started off well. DH and I spent yesterday together shopping for clothes and for decor for our new house. We laughed and sang in the car and enjoyed each other's company. On the way home, the world news came on the radio and the first story said, "A VERY pregnant Kate Middleton was spotted in her last public appearance before she gives birth..." And I lost it. That snippet ruined my entire day. I found out she was pregnant just days after I found out about my own, and for some reason my entire pregnancy I felt special that she and I were expecting at the same time. I just couldn't stop thinking about it... Why does she get to keep her baby and I don't? Maybe if I was royalty, Ava would be alive... ugh.

To end on a happy note, DH and I had sex for the first time since we lost Ava. It was the first time in SO long... we had an early pregnancy scare and we were advised to abstain. I was so nervous about it after delivery and my uterine surgery, but I am happy to say that it was amazing!!! LOL I feel like this huge burden has been lifted. I worried that my libido would disappear or that it would be painful. Needless to say, I no longer have to worry :) I feel like I am on the slow road to recovery toward the family that I long for!

Try to enjoy your Sunday, ladies :)

PgAL CheckIn

Mrs Nice — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 23:07:22 GMT

Hello Ladies,

Welcome to Friday PGAL CheckIn!

I hope I find you all well and positive this week! If you have any questions you would like answered, please don't be shy! You can also ask the PAL ladies. Bake, little buns, bake! :

How far along are you? What size fruit is your baby this week?

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones?

QOTW: Will you be having a baby shower for this baby?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

baby had no heartbeat at 7 months pregnant

kmybunny — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 17:43:52 GMT

Recently, after a routine ob appointment, we found out my baby had died. It was a complete shock to us, as we had had a lot of perinatal care because i am 38, and all tests were good thus far. Although I attempted to have the baby vaginally (the ob thought it would be ok because the baby was so small Though I had two prior csections), I ended up having my third csection almost three weeks ago. The baby was a boy, and he looked as though he had some kind of issue with him, along with a cleft palate and lip, and a twisted umbilical cord. We were completely floored when they pulled him out and told us he was a boy...we had done a test called verifi in lieu of cvs...my perinatal drs. Told us it was more accurate. According to that test, we were having a girl, 98+ % chance, and she was normal. We had almost all our ultrasounds at the perinatal office, and not once did theY say anything looked unusual or off on the baby. we were extremely shocked, hurt, just numb. Also, the same week we found out the baby had died, my husband had gone in for a vasectomy.

That's the last three weeks, and it's been really emotional and surreal. We're both really confused and unsure how to move past everything. We had our son cremated, and we have him with us now, which helps a little. The majority of my friends are avoiding me, because I guess they don't know how to act around me. This really hurts me though. This makes me not want to talk to anyone. I dread running into people who still think i'm pregnant, and having to explain the whole thing to them. It takes such an emotional toll. I feel like a really crappy parent to my other two kids right now...it's summer for them, and I can't seem to do anything with them bc i'm sad. It totally sucks. And to top it off, I don't know if I'm still hormonal or what, but I just keep feeling like I need to get pregnant again right away, before we lose our chance with my husband's vasectomy. He is not really for it, bc he's afraid to go through this again, wh9ch I completely understand. I'm afraid too, but i can't stop th9nking about it. On 9ne hand, I don't want to be selfish...we have two, happy healthy kids. But after the initial shock of being pregnant, i took a long time to accept it, and jst when i get to that point, i lose him. I don'twant to replace him. I don't really know how to feel about things anymore, and I don't want to cause more damage to our family.

fathers day... ticker warning

lrichmond86 — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 14:16:53 GMT

Ticker warning

I know this board is for us loss moms, but I wanted to wish you all and your families a peaceful fathers day. Our first fathers day post loss was tough for both of us, but it's easier this year... a little hope for those of you with recent losses that time does help too heal your heart. We still miss our boy. We still think about him. I still cried for him and for my husband this morning. But today isn't full of grief this year. Instead we are able to look forward to what's ahead for our family. Much love to all of you today!

GTKY

Mrs Nice — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 23:20:57 GMT

What were some of your favourite cartoons or TV shows while you were growing up?

When you were young, what did you want to be when you grew up?

What were some of your favourite activities that you did as a child?

What do you miss the most from your childhood?

Can't help.......

BrittianyM — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 21:40:05 GMT

Can't help but think about all the things we never get to do or see with our baby girl. It's not right or fair. All I want to do is hold Brooke in my arms not just my heart.

Today my hubby and I were taking a nap and all of a sudden we both got woken up by the sound of a baby crying. I guess it was on the tv but it was the first time that I have woken up and for a brief second thought she was still here. The realization was hard just like it is all the time.

Still am not sure how to continue on without our precious angel or why we even have too. Tomorrow is going to be hard. Brooke has a gift to give her daddy for Father's Day. Just won't be the same without her.

How do I...

amandager99 — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 18:35:12 GMT

How do I tell people how I'm feeling without hurting their feelings? I have family members that keep pushing and I know if I answer honestly they won't want to hear what I have to say. I know it's irrational anger/hate/hurt directed at them, but it's where I'm at right now. I find it easier to avoid them then hurt them.

How do I really try to begin to heal emotionally, when I have daily physical reminders that Daniel is no longer with me? I'm still bleeding and at times feel like it's never going to end, and still occasionally leak milk.

How do I get my husband to understand that even if we aren't ready for sex yet I still need the physical connection/closeness with him? At most it's a kiss goodbye in the morning and when he gets home, with occasional hugs. It seems as though he doesn't want to be touched (even just a hand on the leg) or touch me. That missing connection makes me feel even lonelier even if the communication is there. It also lets my mind work in overdrive as I question if he's mad at/blaming me for this, after all it was my body's inability to carry our son that caused this.

How do I get everyone to understand I'm not ready to be out and social yet, and that doesn't mean I'm depressed, it just means I'm not ready. I recognize and feel the ache to get out and do stuff, and right now if that means making it to target or the market I'm okay with that. There are too many triggers out in the world, it will barely be 3 weeks tomorrow. I'm also not just laying down watching TV all day, I am slowly working on things around the apartment, long standing projects, reading.

Thanks for letting me vent. I know you ladies understand better than anyone else, and that's where I'm stuck right now.

Movie Warning: Man of Steel

gertiebarden — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 01:46:01 GMT

An FYI for anyone considering Man of Steel. Great movie, but a few rough moments for loss mamas.

Movie Warning: Man of Steel
Spoilers Ahead
.
.
.
.
You have to watch a mother give up her infant and address all of the moments she will miss in his life.

An enclosure full of near term babies is destroyed. It cuts away before you see the specifics, but you know hundreds of babies die.