Its okay if someone OFFERS a shower as long as its not crazy big.
Not specific to OP, but can we put a big banner across the BSB "You cant justify wanting a shower if you had your first child 10 years ago or that you have a girl and are having a boy." Stop trying to justify it over and over. If you want a second shower its not about "celebrating" its about the gifts. Buy your baby its needs, dont expect other people to. If money is tight, well too bad you and your SO should have thought about that then. sorry to post hijack, but over and over again these things are asked about and it drives me nuts when people say they "dont feel right" or "dont want to be tacky" BUT....and go on with their reasoning they use in their head to make it okay.
This makes me sigh....These things are said over and over because no real answers are ever concluded. People aren't all out to justify getting stuff, they want answers to what is polite. Polite and etiquette and understanding much lacking because of opinions.
Now, as far as the shower is concerned, due to the advice of some of the fine women and the criticism of others, I thank you and have come to this conclusion. Perhaps a little special ed....The baby shower is a modern creation begun about the time of the Baby Boomer Era. Men were away at war and well, back then it was not unheard of for a village to raise a child as the saying goes. Due to difficult times and the men not there to provide much, women gathered to help the new mother out. It was made into a celebration. This also cam e at a time when it was no big deal to save the crib or bassinet and car seats were unheard of. Safety protocols were not an issue and women took care of what little was had. Passing down items was a joy and must and materialistic intentions were also not a question. So it was only necessary to have one shower. This was also a time when divorce was a shocking thing. So no new babies coming about in other marriages. Tradition is beautiful and if we still lived in this time, it would work. Before the modern baby shower, gatherings and parties or blessings would happen AFTER the baby was born and it was a celebration with feasting, if there were gifts it would because someone hand made something. Keep in mind that before the modern baby shower, women were considered unclean and mostly sequestered until she was deemed pure once more and no longer tainted from childbirth (anywhere from 10 to 40 days). I actually uphold to my Korean traditions and have a 100 Day Birthday where my mother and I will make food. Money and gold are gifts usually given but this would be provided by the immediate family or very close friends who are aware of the tradition. The abundance of food and the reams of string and money are surround the baby not out of greed but to rejoice that the baby has survived the first 100 days and now will look forward to a prosperous life and longevity. No gifts are required of any guest and they are there to celebrate.
I am not rich but I will provide all that my baby needs as would any mother and father of a new child. Some children come as a surprise but we are happy to make due with what we have. To assume we do not is callow. That anytime a woman asks about shower etiquette and gets the shower nazi response of "you just want to justify your greed" makes me unduly sad. A baby shower was to show support and love. A gift need not be bought. It can be handmade or the gift could be the presence of that person and letting the pregnant mother know she has support. It is a celebration to bring a life into the world. Why should that not be celebrated every time when that support is needed for every child? Sometimes it is a lonely thing to be pregnant. Why wait until after the birth? Why can we not adapt what we consider traditions to fit an ever changing world? We are not getting rid of tradition we should be making tradition better.
Oh, and what of the women who have more than one shower because both mother and MIL, and best friend, and co-workers give separate parties? One would have to go around refusing because people want to share in the joy. And you know, some people are not aware of the etiquette of showers. My friend who wants to host the shower...I talked to her and told her that "etiquette says only one shower no matter what" She said, "That's crazy. I thought it was a shower for every baby." I said, "Nope." She said,"Well, I don't care. Every baby should have love and know that people cared that the baby was coming. We can still have a small get together." I love her!
Sorry this was so long and that if you took the time to read it all, thank you. I have always been told that when you seek advice or understanding to remember that you do not always get what you seek. The key is to come away wiser for it.
So on that note, to all the women in the future who ask about the etiquette of the shower...do what you feel best. If your heart is full of greed, more power to you. If you just want someone to say it is okay because you are sensitive to other people, then find a way that makes you feel comfortable. One person here said they didn't label it and that was some good advice. Don't be afraid to celebrate your baby, each baby deserves good loving energy, before and after they are born.