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11-12-2012 at 8:39 AM
MBush4
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Is it okay....

My close friend and her mom (who is BF with my mom) were going to host my baby shower and I was really excited. But then a few weeks ago when a lot of family and their family were over and my aunt who, bless her heart, wants to be in charge of everything said SHE would be throwing my baby shower since SHE is family (although she never actually acts like it... Zip it!). My friend and her mom knowing how she can be said, "Okay, that sounds good. Can we help?" To which my aunt nastily said, "No, I don't need any of your help." Ugh...

Because my family in the area is pretty large (my mom is #8 of 10 and they have extended family that we're all close with as well) and because I have a lot of friends in the area as well, just counting the people I imagine would come (because they've mentioned they'd like to come to one if  I had one) I know we're looking at close to 60 people. My friend and her mom asked if I would rather have a family shower and they can throw a friends shower. I don't want to create drama and they don't either, but this aunt is pretty notorious for steamrolling everyone and causing big arguments when the family is together (it's a sore topic for my mom; it's a family full of girls and while my mom and most of her sisters are pretty tame, peaceful people, this aunt and a couple of others are a bit over the top) and these friends know it could be really uncomfortable if a lot of friends witnessed the family fireworks. Would it be okay to say yes to their proposal? I don't think my aunt plans on inviting people I'd like to be there and there are several close friends that I would really like at my shower. I know the money situation is tight for her and I don't want to give her a list longer than she was planning on, but she doesn't want to talk with me about the shower. I honestly have no idea when it will even be and neither does my mom.

Is it rude if I accept my friend's offer? It's honestly not a matter of "I want lots of parties and presents" as much as "I don't want my friends to see my family's antics and I don't know that my aunt would invite people that I really want there."
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11-12-2012 at 8:51 AM
526SadieSa...
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Why not say no to your aunt's proposal altogether if she's such a troublemaker?

Other than that, you can absolutely have a family shower and a friend shower.  Talk to your friend and find out how many people she's comfortable with accomodating and go from there.  60 people is a huuuuuge shower but I'm having a similar problem with the guest list for my daughter's first birthday party - there are so many 1st and 2nd cousins we're close to it's awful to have to pick and choose.

 
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11-12-2012 at 9:05 AM
MBush4
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526SadieSadie:

Why not say no to your aunt's proposal altogether if she's such a troublemaker?

Other than that, you can absolutely have a family shower and a friend shower.  Talk to your friend and find out how many people she's comfortable with accomodating and go from there.  60 people is a huuuuuge shower but I'm having a similar problem with the guest list for my daughter's first birthday party - there are so many 1st and 2nd cousins we're close to it's awful to have to pick and choose.

 

Well, I guess she's having another aunt help her now, and that aunt is pretty nice so maybe I can ask them if they can do a family only one? I mean, between cousins/aunts/extended family we're close to) it's around 20-25 people...As for saying no to my aunt... I feel bad saying no to my aunt now because the other aunt (who I talk with pretty regularly) says she's actually excited to throw the party for me since I'm one of the few nieces she likes. Thanks I guess?Tongue Tied
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11-12-2012 at 9:07 AM
EastCoastB...
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There is such a disconnect to your post.  YOu say "bless her heart" to your aunt, but then basically talk about how she steamrolls, doesn't act like family, causes arguements, etc.  What is there to "bless" her over?

You CAN say "no" to your aunt.

But as that's not your qeustion, yes, you can say "yes" to your friends offer. 

I really fail to see why your aunt has SO much power, though. 

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~Benjamin Franklin

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11-12-2012 at 9:11 AM
rpalen29
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you should of told her from the get-go that your best friend is doing it. Then she wouldn't be involved at all. And if she insisted, tell her you have everything covered; just make sure to come to the shower. 
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11-12-2012 at 9:19 AM
MBush4
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EastCoastBride:

There is such a disconnect to your post.  YOu say "bless her heart" to your aunt, but then basically talk about how she steamrolls, doesn't act like family, causes arguements, etc.  What is there to "bless" her over?

You CAN say "no" to your aunt.

But as that's not your qeustion, yes, you can say "yes" to your friends offer. 

I really fail to see why your aunt has SO much power, though. 

Sorry, not to make it as an excuse, but it's a dumb southern thing I've inherited. Before you say anything less-than-nice you say bless your heart and it "negates" it. Completely hypocritical and ridiculous, but a bad habit nonetheless.

It's not so much as she wields power as much as it is that after a while, people have grown tired of her antics and just give in unless it's a huge issue. She's one of the oldest daughters so I guess the rest of the ones younger than her just shrug it off and say, "it could be worse. She ____________ at Thanksgiving once" or whatnot. I guess it's more just me being a punk and paranoid about how things could turn out. 
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11-12-2012 at 9:21 AM
Estwd2
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Well seeing how I think it was monumentally rude of your aunt, and I'm sorry to say this but, YOU to allow your aunt to essentially steal the shower from them, yes you should tell them they can go ahead with a friends shower. Besides that, I'm assuming this aunt does not have the names and addresses of all your friends? So if and when she asks for a guest list, just tell her family only.
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11-12-2012 at 9:23 AM
MBush4
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rpalen29:
you should of told her from the get-go that your best friend is doing it. Then she wouldn't be involved at all. And if she insisted, tell her you have everything covered; just make sure to come to the shower. 

But that's the thing. She still hasn't spoken to me herself on the issue. I wasn't in the room (or actually in the house technically) when she made the first big hoopla with my friend and her mom. I know about it because afterwards my mom, another aunt, and my cousin told me themselves in a "Aunt _____ has been up to her old antics again" kind of way.
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11-12-2012 at 9:24 AM
MBush4
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Okay. Sounds like a good idea. Had I been in the room when it happened or overheard it when it happened I would have said something. But this friend and her mom know this aunt pretty well and know how she can be so they let it slide off their shoulders. My mom and I apologized to them nonetheless, considering how awkward and rude it was, but... Yeah...
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11-12-2012 at 9:25 AM
RoxyLynn
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"Bless her heart" is the Southern equivalent of the Northeast's "I mean that in a good way."  It's an eraser; you can call someone a tacky tramp as long as you bless her heart.  ;)

 Anyway.  If you're not interested in saying no to your aunt, then I think splitting friends/family showers is a great idea.  I really don't see that you need to talk to her about it, either.  When she asks for a guest list, just include family since you thought it would be nice to spend some quality time with the people you love most and not spread your attention around so many people.  Or whatever excuse will fly.
I think it can be done well, and I would have loved it, but taking all of the crappy parts of school away from a kid isn't good for them in the long run.

There are lessons like "Not everyone likes you" and "Some people are douche bags" that you don't learn without socializing in a large group of poorly supervised children.
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11-12-2012 at 9:27 AM
MBush4
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RoxyLynn:

"Bless her heart" is the Southern equivalent of the Northeast's "I mean that in a good way."  It's an eraser; you can call someone a tacky tramp as long as you bless her heart.  ;)

 Anyway.  If you're not interested in saying no to your aunt, then I think splitting friends/family showers is a great idea.  I really don't see that you need to talk to her about it, either.  When she asks for a guest list, just include family since you thought it would be nice to spend some quality time with the people you love most and not spread your attention around so many people.  Or whatever excuse will fly.

Yes Yes to all of this. Thanks!
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11-12-2012 at 9:46 AM
EastCoastB...
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MBush4:

Sorry, not to make it as an excuse, but it's a dumb southern thing I've inherited. Before you say anything less-than-nice you say bless your heart and it "negates" it. Completely hypocritical and ridiculous, but a bad habit nonetheless.

Ah, gotcha.  :) 

Well, as said - have your friend throw a friends shower.  Make sure your mom is aware of this so anything SHE hears from  your aunt about the shower - she can make sure that shower is kept as a family shower.

 
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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11-12-2012 at 9:47 AM
MBush4
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EastCoastBride:
MBush4:

Sorry, not to make it as an excuse, but it's a dumb southern thing I've inherited. Before you say anything less-than-nice you say bless your heart and it "negates" it. Completely hypocritical and ridiculous, but a bad habit nonetheless.

Ah, gotcha.  :) 

Well, as said - have your friend throw a friends shower.  Make sure your mom is aware of this so anything SHE hears from  your aunt about the shower - she can make sure that shower is kept as a family shower.

 

 

Smart thinking. Thanks for the advice ladies.
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11-12-2012 at 10:18 AM
PrimRoseMa...
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Your Aunt has power to steam roll because people give it to her. Speak up and do that enough times she will get the news flash that she is not in charge.

If it were me I'd decline the shower from your Aunt and accept the friend's offer. Yes, your aunt will p!ss and moan, but that is why God invented voicemail and email. Let her rave. People will most likely not blame you a bit if she is as insanely pushy and unpleasant as you claim.

Life is only as complicated as you make it. You are the one in control here. Good luck.
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11-12-2012 at 10:31 AM
MBush4
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PrimRoseMama:
Your Aunt has power to steam roll because people give it to her. Speak up and do that enough times she will get the news flash that she is not in charge. If it were me I'd decline the shower from your Aunt and accept the friend's offer. Yes, your aunt will p!ss and moan, but that is why God invented voicemail and email. Let her rave. People will most likely not blame you a bit if she is as insanely pushy and unpleasant as you claim. Life is only as complicated as you make it. You are the one in control here. Good luck.

But that's the thing. Family has tried this for a few decades and she still hasn't gotten it.

But I do see what you mean. I think I may tell the aunt I do get along with well about maybe making it family only so that it isn't too large of a group.

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11-12-2012 at 10:56 AM
1026pumpki...
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RoxyLynn:

"Bless her heart" is the Southern equivalent of the Northeast's "I mean that in a good way."  It's an eraser; you can call someone a tacky tramp as long as you bless her heart.  ;)

 Anyway.  If you're not interested in saying no to your aunt, then I think splitting friends/family showers is a great idea.  I really don't see that you need to talk to her about it, either.  When she asks for a guest list, just include family since you thought it would be nice to spend some quality time with the people you love most and not spread your attention around so many people.  Or whatever excuse will fly.

Great advice!  Even if there wasn't potential drama with your aunt/family shower, more than 60 people is a lot of one event.  Having 2 different showers and a chance to visit with everyone sounds a lot better all around.
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