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11-13-2012 at 8:24 AM
njbride060...
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anyone who has a DH that smokes?

My DH has smoked since we met...just tried to quit again and lasted 14 weeks before he started...I have never smoked so I don't really understand but I try. Its' just very frustrating b/c when he starts up again he doesn't tell me but I always end up finding out. I just hate being lied to. The first few weeks he was unbearable and I really tried to ignore him....we have two small children and I want them to have their dad for a very long time plus we can't afford his habit anymore. anyone in same situation would love any advice :)
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11-13-2012 at 9:16 AM
SunnyD2011
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I have no advice, sorry, but for me this is a deal breaker. He needs to quit. For his health, yours, the KIDS, and the finances. I would give an ultimatum and offer a lot of support because I know it is hard to quit.
 
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11-13-2012 at 10:22 AM
mabenner1
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SunnyD2011:
I have no advice, sorry, but for me this is a deal breaker. He needs to quit. For his health, yours, the KIDS, and the finances. I would give an ultimatum and offer a lot of support because I know it is hard to quit.

You can't force someone to quit when they aren't ready for it. End of story. That said, has he looked into support for quitting?  Chantix, Zyban, patch, gum, lozenges, e-cigs, counseling...there are many good resources out there.
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11-13-2012 at 10:27 AM
ophelia190
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My DH is the same way.  He has tried to quit several times but it just doesn't seem to stick.  I also try to be understanding but, like you, I have never smoked so I don't really get the addiction.  It is very frustrating but he has to want to quit for himself.  No one else can force him to quit.  I know that it is especially hard when you would like that money to go elsewhere in your budget too.  If he's anything like my DH, he agrees with all of your valid points about why he should quit.  This can leave you pulling your hair out thinking "Why don't you just do it then?!"  I'm no expert but from what I have learned from the Health Authority where I live, the first step is for him to set a 'quit date' (again he has to do this himself), then people who use quit aids such as nicorette or the patch have a higher chance of actually quitting.  It is important to be realistic for yourself and know that it is often the 7-11th attempt to quit that is successful.  Maybe don't tell him that part.  Sorry you are going through this!  HTH.
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11-13-2012 at 12:16 PM
njbride060...
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Yes back in August he had to have his ACL repaired and decided that would be his quit date. He also got a prescription for Chantix. We're having financial problems and things are very stressful so I'm not surprised his answer to the stress was smoking again. I know I can't force him..I was hoping though when we had our children he would decide it was necessary for their sake...he does agree with everything though....I know its hard and I've told him maybe he needs other support besides just taking the chantix like talking to someone but that never happened...he quit once 4 years ago for 18 months...I was really hoping this would be it :( thanks ladies!
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11-13-2012 at 1:47 PM
lintscreen
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I agree with the others that said unless he is the one who wants to quit, no amount of nagging him or making him feel bad is going to work.  Sorry.

I quit 3 years ago after reading "The Easy Way to Quit Smoking" by Allen Carr; sounds crazy, but it worked.  But I was ready to quit, too.

 
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11-13-2012 at 3:24 PM
asyph107
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Smoking is hard for most people. I used to smoke, and IF it didn't effect my health or the health of my family I would smoke like a Chimney! However it does so I quit before we DH and I got married, he HATES it. He never has had even one cig so he did not understand why it was so hard. I have started up a few times since I quit. Mostly around deaths in the family when stress is very high. He tolerates it for a few weeks and then I quit again without him pressuring me.

IMO any major pressure will just add stress and make him want to smoke more because of the stress. My advice is to say your peace, tell him all the reasons being smoke free is good for your family, his health, and your marriage and just let it run its course. If he is committed to quitting he will in time. If not then you need to set your own limits of what you can tolerate and calmly explain that. And try not to get upset with him if he goes back to be for a while during high stress times, its a self soothing skill that people get very attached to and its hard to replace with something else.

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11-13-2012 at 6:29 PM
phdprocras...
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I've not dealt with this, and can imagine it must feel like you're banging your head against a wall if he acknowledges he needs to quit but doesn't.

Regarding the money aspect: do you think he'd be open to setting up some sort of "fun money" account or budget for the both of you.  This way you'd get the same amount of money to either "throw away" (on cigarettes for him, something fun for you).  At least this way, his wasting money would be more fair to you.  

I did have a chain-smoking coworker who quit once (for at least 5 months before I left the job) by taking the money he would spend on cigarettes and putting it in a fund for a trip to Disney with his son.  Everyday, he would move the amount he would have spent on 2 packs (yeah - super heavy smoker) from his main account to his Disney account.  This seemed to be a great motivator for him - not sure if it would work for your husband. 

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11-13-2012 at 6:42 PM
clizh
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mabenner1:

SunnyD2011:
I have no advice, sorry, but for me this is a deal breaker. He needs to quit. For his health, yours, the KIDS, and the finances. I would give an ultimatum and offer a lot of support because I know it is hard to quit.

You can't force someone to quit when they aren't ready for it. End of story. That said, has he looked into support for quitting?  Chantix, Zyban, patch, gum, lozenges, e-cigs, counseling...there are many good resources out there.

This exactly. It isn't an easy thing FI smokes and has as long as I've known him and I smoked in the past too.  FI uses the e-cigs for the most part now, the gum has also helped in the past. He successfully quit 2 months before DD was born, it was absolutely awful... he was a miserable douche canoe and I'm very argumentative so we weren't a very happy household for the first few weeks. He started again about a month after DD was born and I slowly started back up with him, the stress got to us and being smokers it was an easy and very nice comfort. I quit a couple months later and then started up again... quitting is a mess. Some people can go cold turkey but very few that I know of have been successful... anyone can "quit" it takes someone with an incredible amount of self will and a strong support system to not go back. You have to encourage him to take advantage of the resources listed above, and you really can't get angry if he slips up because the stress you'll cause him will just drive him back into the habit. And no you can't understand and will never be able to. I don't say that to be mean at all, it's just what it is. You also need to realize that the gum and stuff is not cheap... not. at. all. you're looking at $50 a box OTC, so look into prescriptions. Docs can prescribe the medications although I prefer gums or patches... I've heard to many scary stories about the medications. Some insurances will cover gums etc. and some brands can be prescribed.

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11-14-2012 at 12:12 PM
phillyfan9...
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Check with your insurance company (assuming its available)- many of them offer smoking cessation classes as part of wellness programs for little or no charge, in addition to other methods of quitting.
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11-14-2012 at 7:35 PM
ryry1977
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My DH smokes and didn't tell me. He smoked when we were dating then stopped. Started up shortly after we were married.  That was the bad time when he didn't tell me.  Things have been pretty rough since then.  He still smokes and is obviously not ready to quit.  Sadly it is effecting our sex life, since I don't like to kiss him when he has smoked.  Therefore don't care to do anything else.

So no help from me.  I am just reading everyones replys. Hope both ours quit (for good) for our families.
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11-15-2012 at 3:27 PM
Nwlywed07
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I've never been in that situation but maybe you (or a doctor) could educate him on the effects it is/will have on your children? Sometimes knowing that you are hurting your children's health is a good motivator (experience of a friend of mine). I also like the Disney trip with the money you save. It also sounds like he needs to have better cooping skills when dealing with stress so that he doesn't rely on smoking. Sorry you are having to deal with this.
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