I guess I want to start by saying that I will be ok. I am a strong person, and my faith will get me through. That being said, it does not mean that this will be easy. There is a whole in my heart. And I loved this little one so much already. This was my first baby and I will never forget how much happiness it brought to me and my husband in just the short amount of time. I am a mom now. And I know what it feels like to care, worry, and love something more than anything in this world.
I had my first u/s at 6 weeks & 4 days. The Dr. said the heartbeat was strong and we scheduled our next appointment when I would be around 9 weeks. A few days after my u/s I started noticing a light pink discharge, which turned into a brown discharge. Of course, like any mother, I began to worry and called my Dr. right away. He happened to be on call that Saturday, heard the worry in my voice, and told me to come in and he would check it out. He did another u/s, the heartbeat was still strong and that baby was growing just fine. He explained that bleeding was normal, and that we would keep a close eye on it. He also advised that I go get my blood work done. I did just that.
The blood work came in a few days later, and it turns out I was RH negative. Some of you may wonder what that means. RH negative is another way of grouping your blood (like A, B, O, or AB). There is either RH present in your blood (which is normal), or there is not (which is rare). This really only matters if you are pregnant. Basically, if DH is RH positive, there is a chance that the baby could also be RH positive. If the baby's blood gets into my blood stream, my body would see the baby as an intruder and would attack the baby. If this happened, I would not be able to have children in the future.
So, they called me in and told me I needed to get the shot immediately, and they would do another u/s. I was right at 8 weeks. The Dr. said the baby's heartbeat was great and the baby was even measuring over what it should have been. They gave me the shot, and I went on my way.
The days following the appointment, the brown spotting turned to bright red and became more and more. I knew something was wrong. I went in again for an u/s. The Dr. began doing the u/s for just a few seconds. I saw the baby, and noticed that I did not catch the heart beating before he stopped the u/s. He asked if we could move to another room because he was not getting a very good picture on that machine and wanted to go into the other room where we had had better pictures of the baby in the past. My heart sank into my chest. We moved to the other room and he began to do the u/s. There was silence as he moved it around to get different angles. It was not there. How could it not be there? I just saw it a week before. And after what seemed like eternity, the Dr. said, "I'm so sorry, there is no heartbeat." At 8 weeks and 4 days, we had lost the baby.
He gave us the options and I've decided to go ahead and have the baby removed rather than passing it on my own. I'm not sure I can deal with it emotionally.
I don't ever think anybody will understand this pain until you have gone through it.
I know God has his plan for me and I know that everything happened for a reason. I know that God helped my little one to live a little bit longer so that I could find out I was RH negative. If I never found this out, I could have miscarried without getting the shot and would never be able to have kids. I am blessed.
The future seems so far away right now. And there is a lot of pain and healing to do.
Thank you ladies for being there for me. I have a special place in my heart for all of you. I will be praying for healthy babies! xoxo