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11-14-2012 at 1:12 PM
nikkisrf
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How do you deal with your MIL

I love my MIL and she is so helpful.  But at times, she gets a little much with comments and advice.  While I appreciate all of her advice, I feel as if she is trying to mother my unborn child.  It is the first grandbaby so I try to let what she says roll off my back.

For example: we were shopping for a dresser/changer.  The one I liked was not the one she liked, she continued to comment, "its too low for me when I come over to change the baby"  Im sure you could guess I was taken back some but let it go. 

Do any of you ladies have any advice in handling things MIL's say and do that may not sit right with you?

Thank you ladies!
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11-14-2012 at 1:18 PM
doribeth85...
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My MIL was the same way at first. She would give her opinion on everything and would often disagree about everything with me and DH. The furniture, the nursery bedding, the travel system, which pedi we chose, the list goes on...

I took everything she said with a grain of salt and would just smile and nod. I'm not really the confrontational type, so I bit my tongue as best as I could. When she realized that no matter what she said, we were still going to do what we wanted and thought was best for the baby, she pretty much shut up. Toward the end of my pregnancy she didn't give her opinion much at all, and now that DS is here, she's great about not over-stepping her boundaries and putting in her two cents!
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11-14-2012 at 1:26 PM
KatieKim08...
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It's sweet of her to care so much but I totally get it! 

Just be kind and affirm that it's what you'd like!! Being kind and assertive is absolutely okay and will likely come into play when baby is here.  
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11-14-2012 at 1:28 PM
drewiekc
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First of all, don't be taking your MIL shopping for baby stuff with you.  I know she wants to be involved, and its nice of you to let her, but its time to set some boundaries.  When she does say stuff like that, and it's inevitable, just smile and say "thanks for the input, but this is the one we like/are getting/got".  It's a long road ahead, and chances are she's only going to be making more "helpful" comments once the baby is here.  You can't let it get to you, just stand your ground and let her comments go in one ear and out the other.
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11-14-2012 at 1:28 PM
nikkisrf
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Thank you so much for the advice, definatly going to follow.  At this point i think I was most worried that shes going to be at our house 24-7 after the baby is born about similar things.  Hopefully it wears off.
TTC since May of 2011. DX PCOS July 2012 SA: morphology 1% motility 47%. U/S 8-20= 3 mature follicles: 56mil sperm after wash IUI #1 + 100mg of clomid + tigger=BFP 9/4 bloodwork hcg 156 progesterone 40 BabyFetus Ticker My Blog 
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11-14-2012 at 1:42 PM
CBL23
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nikkisrf:
Thank you so much for the advice, definatly going to follow.  At this point i think I was most worried that shes going to be at our house 24-7 after the baby is born about similar things.  Hopefully it wears off.

 I feel your pain.  Sometimes I think my in-laws think this is their child not ours.

 
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11-14-2012 at 1:47 PM
BoatsNHoes
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I take her in very small doses.  That's the best advice I have.  We have a good relationship, but there's times I want to pull my hair our because we are SO incredibly different. 
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11-14-2012 at 1:51 PM
mhickey426
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let her speak and just do what you want.  Smile and nod and make your own decision.  My mil offered to buy the baby furniture.  My dh and I picked out what we liked and then had he go and see it.  If she is like that then don't involve her in things like that.  Involve her by showing her what you picked out and not shopping with her.
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11-14-2012 at 1:53 PM
KatieKaras...
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This sounds like my mother not my MIL! And she is driving me NUTS, but I just let it go and don't say anything. She keeps talking about how she's going to buy herself a diaper bag and get it monogrammed with LO's initials. What the fluck does she need a diaper bag for?!?! Just get what works for you guys and ignore her. If she brings it up point out that you like it and you're going to be using it the majority of the time.
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11-14-2012 at 2:08 PM
pamperedgi...
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i'm in the same boat both my mother and father in law feel the need to put their 2 cents in on anything baby...only my in-laws live with us (there is no escape). and they are buying the big furniture (the dresser and the crib). so i really didn't want to completely ignore their thoughts on those. we already got the dresser (it was on clearance for $300 off). at first they wanted me to get an actual changing table or a dresser with the little rails on top (for diaper changing). i told them that i wanted an actual dresser with out the rails. so it can be used for years without it looking babyish. they finally agreed. they constantly comment on how they raised their kids and saying things like: you're gonna want this or that, you have to do this, or don't do that, never do that. my father in law is the worst when it comes to advise on what a baby needs and how to raise them. other people have told him that he is a baby expert so he really thinks so. luckily my mother in law is more reasonable so i can explain things to her and she can work on explaining or convincing my father in law about whatever it may be at the moment.
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11-14-2012 at 2:08 PM
GeeksWithS...
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I pick my battles very wisely when it comes to my MIL. She means well and cares, and I remind myself that when she gets on my nerves a lot. That although its not working for me she is just trying to give me the best experience possible, but when it does cross a line I do sit down with her, or take her out for tea and simply draw the line. It usually helps me to talk to DH because he knows his mother best and well united fronts are good things with MIL's
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11-14-2012 at 2:09 PM
TMWarren85
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This time isn't as bad but when I was pregnant with DD (the first grandchild and only girl) I had to hear the natural L&D story with tearing from front to back with both boys so many times I wanted to scratch my eyes out. And she seemed disappointed when I told her I had an epidural, like I was a failure or something. And then after she was born, it only got worse. DD hated wearing socks/blankets, so we didn't put them on her- and every time my MIL would hold her she would go walk around and sneak into the nursery and come back with socks on her feet and a blanket, or she would wrap the burp cloth around her feet. And she NEVER put her down, she would rock her to sleep, and then hold her the entire time which I was adamant about putting her down to sleep so she wouldn't depend on rocking to stay asleep. 

I love my MIL, and I am very fortunate to have such great in-laws. They help out SO much with DD, and I'm sure it will be the same way with DS. But my mom went through the same thing with her MIL, and I think it's partially because we (my mom and then myself) were raised to be independent and in control. I want things my way, this is how it will be. I don't do well when people deviate from my plans, especially when it has to do with MY child. I'm learning to cope a little more...

Unless you want to strain the relationship, you deal with it. You can listen to her but do what you please. If it gets too bad say something to your DH and let him address it. If we've had issues, I say something to DH, who says something to his dad who in turn filters it to my MIL in a way he knows will least hurt her feelings.

DD is in a Montessori program which my MIL is totally for. The school goes through 6th grade, but we were originally planning on switching her to public school at 1st grade (and now with this LO on the way, she'll make her way over for Kindergarten). I told my MIL (who is a teacher) this and she made some comment about if there's anyway she can stay in private school that's better- my response "are you offering to pay?"

 
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11-14-2012 at 2:40 PM
Hesterlici...
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nikkisrf:
Thank you so much for the advice, definatly going to follow.  At this point i think I was most worried that shes going to be at our house 24-7 after the baby is born about similar things.  Hopefully it wears off.

Remember: You do not have to answer the door or the phone, especially in those first days home when you need to snuggle and bond with your little baby.

As for the comments a simple "thanks for your input but we've decided on this" should suffice.

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11-14-2012 at 2:49 PM
nikkisrf
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Diaper bag huh?!  Thats insane.  My MIL already has a crib for her house and is planning on getting a changing table.  Really?!  How often do you think MY child is going to be at your house?!
TTC since May of 2011. DX PCOS July 2012 SA: morphology 1% motility 47%. U/S 8-20= 3 mature follicles: 56mil sperm after wash IUI #1 + 100mg of clomid + tigger=BFP 9/4 bloodwork hcg 156 progesterone 40 BabyFetus Ticker My Blog 
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11-14-2012 at 2:53 PM
nikkisrf
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My MIL is planning on buying our dresser for us too, but im almost to the point I dont want her too just so I can get the one I want.  BTW, where did you get your dresser,  Im having a hard time finding a nice quality one

 
TTC since May of 2011. DX PCOS July 2012 SA: morphology 1% motility 47%. U/S 8-20= 3 mature follicles: 56mil sperm after wash IUI #1 + 100mg of clomid + tigger=BFP 9/4 bloodwork hcg 156 progesterone 40 BabyFetus Ticker My Blog 
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11-14-2012 at 2:58 PM
pamperedgi...
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at babies r us. that nursery set was discontinued and it was the last one (floor model). but the only thing wrong was a scratch on the back. we weren't going to buy anything this soon but i could not pass that deal up. and we had room to store it till we get everything set up.
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11-14-2012 at 3:27 PM
ahcantrell...
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Learn to pick your battles. If she's just giving an opinion or comments like that, try to let them go. Unless it's something major, I wouldn't say anything really. 

I say that because I am not on speaking terms with my in laws anymore. The reason being, they (especially my MIL) was trying to control every aspect of my and my husband's life. Like when we had children. They didn't approve of our wedding or this baby. 

So, let the small things go is my advice. 
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11-14-2012 at 3:45 PM
Mrs.DeliaM...
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Comments like that, I let roll, unless she persists and insists that I get another one (which fortunately my MIL wouldn't do).  If she did, then I would tell DH to tell her to knock it off.  If that didn't work, then I have no problem telling her to mind her own business, which may be why my MIL wouldn't do it in the first place (I've known her since I was 16, I'm 30 now and she lives in my basement, so our relationship isn't quite the same as most MIL/DIL situations).  Stand your ground, it's your baby, you are the one using these items on a regular basis.  There may be times where she makes a good point and the item may be worth reconsidering, but this probably isn't one of them. 

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11-14-2012 at 7:37 PM
Wmomma22
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my MIL lives 2 states away, we dont get a long so well, but we pretend to like eachother, thankfully she has never tried to push her thoughts on things like that, this will be her 2nd grandchild for us, and her only 2. she isnt very involved, and never has been.
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11-14-2012 at 8:09 PM
JSS1002
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drewiekc:
First of all, don't be taking your MIL shopping for baby stuff with you.  I know she wants to be involved, and its nice of you to let her, but its time to set some boundaries.  When she does say stuff like that, and it's inevitable, just smile and say "thanks for the input, but this is the one we like/are getting/got".  It's a long road ahead, and chances are she's only going to be making more "helpful" comments once the baby is here.  You can't let it get to you, just stand your ground and let her comments go in one ear and out the other.

This is what I was giong to say.  Why is she helping you pick out stuff?  my own mom didn't even help me out stuff (and we have a great relationship), I just bought what I wanted. 

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11-14-2012 at 8:54 PM
watermelon...
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7 laws of grandparenting. DH, who is very blunt, printed this for his parents at Christmas when I was pg with DS.

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11-14-2012 at 9:18 PM
LadyDelila...
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I just say OK a lot and then do what I want how I want.
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11-15-2012 at 12:10 PM
jkkg317
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I just smile and say thanks and then do it the way I want anyway. This applies to  my mom and my MIL, this time around they have stepped back a lot, my mom has learned if she keeps pushing me to do what she wants I quit calling to avoid her for my own of peace of mind. My MIL currently lives in China so at most I have to ignore her posts on my FB about how she would do it or how she hates the names we pick out. We have different parenting styles and she kind of treats me like I am a new mom who will learn how right she is eventually. If it gets to be to much I have H talk to her for me. 
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