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11-15-2012 at 9:48 AM
amjmp
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New / Name Dilemma w/ DH

Hello, I used these boards quite often during 1st pregnancy with DS 3 years ago and now we are excepting DS #2 in April. I have a dilemma with DH regarding names and I was hoping to get suggestions. We are pretty set on the first name as Owen and the debating middle name. I know middle names really shouldnt be stressed over. But DH wants to use FIL's real name. The problem is FIL's name is Arthur Elmer. Now neither of us love that name, and actually FIL doesn't even go by that at all. Since childhood he's been known as "Bud". I LOVE FIL dearly and couldn't think of a better person to name DS after. (He's been there for me way more than my own father) However I cannot go with Arthur due to personal reasons from my past that DH doesn't know about. (and not sure how my family would feel about it either). So I asked to use Elmer (again don't like it that much, but would be a great tribute to FIL). DH really wants Arthur and doesn't like Elmer. We've talked about other names and have a few in mind we like, but DH is pretty insistant that a middle name MUST be named after someone. Should I? : 1. Just shut up about it an agree to use Arthur to please DH and FIL 2. Continue to try to to talk DH into using Elmer or find another middle name 3. Tell DH my reasons about not liking Arthur and maybe he'll understand (though not sure I can do this...) 4. Can you use Bud as a middle name? ;) TIA for reading!
 
11-15-2012 at 9:50 AM
drewiekc
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I think you need to share your reasons for not wanting that name with DH.  He is your husband, he deserves to know your reasons for not wanting to use his father's name.  I'm sure he will be understanding.

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11-15-2012 at 9:51 AM
amjmp
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wow, sorry for the crazy old ticker, can anyone tell me how to delete that? I can't figure out how, it's been so long, lol.
 
11-15-2012 at 9:55 AM
mrsmcdonal...
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I don't keep secrets about my past from my husband (and some of my past is really not pretty), so I guess I don't understand why you can't tell him the history behind Arthur. It's unclear if your family knows why you wouldn't want to use Arthur or not, but I think you should explain it to DH and wouldn't have to explain it to everyone else, if they don't already know. I think being honest with him will help him understand better where you're coming from, otherwise he might keep pushing the name.

 


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11-15-2012 at 9:56 AM
TamaraR4
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IMO, I would keep looking for a middle name and use "Bud" or "Buddy" as a nickname.  That way you still get the tribute to your FIL, but don't have to use a name you don't completely love.  If you are set on Owen as a first name, you could mention to your DH how you aren't sure using two names that start with vowels would work together, or something.

I personally couldn't use a name that I didn't absolutely love-- which is exactly why DH and I have yet to pick out a boy's name! We are actually struggling with the similar situation. DH loves his grandfather's name-- Virgil-- and wants to give our baby the name if its a boy.  I love his grandfather to death, but I really do not like that name, even as a middle name!


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11-15-2012 at 10:19 AM
MelTwe
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I agree with PP about explaining why you don't like the name to your husband.  I also wonder why honoring a great man, whom you seem to think highly of, wouldn't trump your reasons for having a negative association with the name.  

I've not liked names before and held my ground about it, but I'm not so sure I would rule it out if there was a meaningful reason behind the name.  It's like it's putting more importance on the past and less on the people you have in your life now and in the future.  It's just something to think about.


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11-15-2012 at 10:20 AM
kmb_nrb201...
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Be honest with him and share your reasons why you don't like Arthur for a MN. It sounds like it may be a difficult thing for you to do, but being honest with him is best. Good luck!

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11-15-2012 at 10:29 AM
Mrs.DeliaM...
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Personally, there is nothing that DH and I don't tell each other, so I would tell him the reason for not wanting to use Arthur.

But, if I planned to keep it a secret forever and ever, then I would continue to try to get DH to use Elmer, and if that didn't work, then I would cave and use Arthur.

I would never use Bud as a middle name.



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11-15-2012 at 10:39 AM
MotherMayE...
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I would go with Arthur even though I have no idea your reasoning to not want to use it. Your family should understand that it is about using your FIL's name -- no one else's, so whatever your reason not to use it really doesn't seem relevant to me. Besides, Arthur is miles more palatable than Elmer.

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11-15-2012 at 10:51 AM
VPGIRL06
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I can completely understand having something that was possibly traumatic in your past that isn't easy to talk about (I don't understand why PP just assume it's something scandalous or something you're just embarrassed about....) so you haven't shared with DH. There are a couple things in my past that are so traumatic that I have only disclosed with my therapist and left it at there.  

 

However, if it IS a traumatic incident that happened and you associated THAT name with THAT incident, would you want your sweet little baby to have that? you can't always help if you project feelings onto other people..it's not always something you can control....and you don't want that association with your baby. if it was traumatic, I would find a way to let DH know. Even if it's hard to talk about, because you don't know if there could be repercussions later on in how you project your feelings from that event onto your baby (it does happen).

 

If it's not a traumatic incident, and it is something you're just embarrassed about...talk to DH about it.  Get it out there, let him know how you feel.  you may find after talking about it that it wasn't that big of a deal and you can accept the name. 


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11-15-2012 at 11:03 AM
KatieKaras...
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VPGIRL06:

I can completely understand having something that was possibly traumatic in your past that isn't easy to talk about (I don't understand why PP just assume it's something scandalous or something you're just embarrassed about....) so you haven't shared with DH. There are a couple things in my past that are so traumatic that I have only disclosed with my therapist and left it at there.  

 

However, if it IS a traumatic incident that happened and you associated THAT name with THAT incident, would you want your sweet little baby to have that? you can't always help if you project feelings onto other people..it's not always something you can control....and you don't want that association with your baby. if it was traumatic, I would find a way to let DH know. Even if it's hard to talk about, because you don't know if there could be repercussions later on in how you project your feelings from that event onto your baby (it does happen).

 

If it's not a traumatic incident, and it is something you're just embarrassed about...talk to DH about it.  Get it out there, let him know how you feel.  you may find after talking about it that it wasn't that big of a deal and you can accept the name. 

 All of this is great advice. The importance of your negative experience with the name will likely trump your husband's desire to use it, but he'll never know unless you share it with him. He loves you and he will understand.


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11-15-2012 at 11:18 AM
mrsmcdonal...
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VPGIRL06:

I can completely understand having something that was possibly traumatic in your past that isn't easy to talk about (I don't understand why PP just assume it's something scandalous or something you're just embarrassed about....) so you haven't shared with DH. There are a couple things in my past that are so traumatic that I have only disclosed with my therapist and left it at there.  

However, if it IS a traumatic incident that happened and you associated THAT name with THAT incident, would you want your sweet little baby to have that? you can't always help if you project feelings onto other people..it's not always something you can control....and you don't want that association with your baby. if it was traumatic, I would find a way to let DH know. Even if it's hard to talk about, because you don't know if there could be repercussions later on in how you project your feelings from that event onto your baby (it does happen).

 

If it's not a traumatic incident, and it is something you're just embarrassed about...talk to DH about it.  Get it out there, let him know how you feel.  you may find after talking about it that it wasn't that big of a deal and you can accept the name. 

While I agree with what you're saying, I'm confused where any PP assumed it was just something scandalous or embarrassing? Not one PP made that assumption - most people just agreed that she should share with her husband what the reasoning was, whatever it might be. There was no assumption being made. 


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11-15-2012 at 11:24 AM
Happy2BPre...
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I would definitely share with my DH why you can't use Arthur.  It sounds like a big issue if it were to upset you AND your family.  So, he should understand.  I would not use your FIL's name and just start fresh.  GL with whatever you decide...

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11-15-2012 at 12:00 PM
KatieKim08...
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I think you definitely should chat with DH on why you don't want to use the name Arthur. It should be something that's honest and open with him so that it's justifiable enough for him not to use it. 

But that's me! 


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11-15-2012 at 12:52 PM
chgibeau
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VPGIRL06:

I can completely understand having something that was possibly traumatic in your past that isn't easy to talk about (I don't understand why PP just assume it's something scandalous or something you're just embarrassed about....) so you haven't shared with DH. There are a couple things in my past that are so traumatic that I have only disclosed with my therapist and left it at there.  

 

However, if it IS a traumatic incident that happened and you associated THAT name with THAT incident, would you want your sweet little baby to have that? you can't always help if you project feelings onto other people..it's not always something you can control....and you don't want that association with your baby. if it was traumatic, I would find a way to let DH know. Even if it's hard to talk about, because you don't know if there could be repercussions later on in how you project your feelings from that event onto your baby (it does happen).

 

If it's not a traumatic incident, and it is something you're just embarrassed about...talk to DH about it.  Get it out there, let him know how you feel.  you may find after talking about it that it wasn't that big of a deal and you can accept the name. 

I agree on all points.


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11-15-2012 at 1:37 PM
amjmp
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Thank you all for your insight.  My reasons for not liking Arthur are due to multiple traumatic events from my childhood that took place over several years time span.  I know DH would totally understand.  I guess I just feel bad about the whole thing and it's causing mixed emotions.  Would love to make DH happy and honor FIL but I fear not liking my child's name probably more.  I decided to bring it up to DH, thanks for listening =)
 
11-15-2012 at 7:03 PM
BeanBurrit...
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Have you considered using Art as the middle name?  It's often used as a nickname for Arthur, but maybe it is far enough removed that you can remove it from the associations you have of your past.  Good luck!

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11-15-2012 at 9:00 PM
rpalen29
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am, then definitely don't go with Arthur. One of the big no-nos is naming your child that reminds you of something bad or traumatic. He'll have that name for the rest of his life, and you'll think about it every time you see him/say his name. Is there another name that runs in the family? maybe a favorite song that he loves? The child is already getting his last name, that's honoring him enough I think. 

In the jewish religion, they honor they're loved ones by giving a child's name the beginning letter of the person. 

 


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11-16-2012 at 7:47 AM
amjmp
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DH and I talked about names again last night and he kept bringing up Arthur.  He asked if there as some other reason why I didn't want it (other than just not liking it).  So I took a deep breath and mentioned why.  I really didn't even need to go into the whole thing because he completely understood. I knew he would.  I think in my heart I always knew I'd have to mention it and I just needed a a little push and motivation from someone. 

rpalen29- funny you should mention using the first letter because the middle name I was liking was Alexander.  DH likes it too.  There really are no other names to go with.  FIL loves Blues Brothers, so I don't know if that's something I can go with or not....I also might consider using 'buddy' or some kind of nickname that someone else suggested.  Thanks again everyone.
 
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