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11-15-2012 at 2:56 PM
ImaniJ55
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People...(help please)

Some friends, family members, and the BF's family have been randomly telling me how they are going to come over my house after I have the baby and take him and how they want to "have him for a week" and "get him off my hands" or so...basically saying things that would upset any new parent as I see it.

My cousin recently had a baby and her mother and sister take her daughter numerous times a day. So much to the point that my cousin has said that she really doesn't feel like a mom because she hardly does anything for or with her.

I do not want that to happen to me. And it's to the point where I try to to be polite with a simple "thanks but no thanks" or "I'll be fine" but it seems like nobody is getting the point. I really don't want to be blatantly rude but it seems like it's going to go that way. What should I do? 


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11-15-2012 at 3:01 PM
lucy460
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I think it's already time to set expectations. "Thanks; I know I'll appreciate the help, but I also want to get a lot of time with him myself! You'll get to see him, but I don't think it will work for you to ______________" (Take him for a week, whatever.)

I think the important thing is, address it now but make sure nto to be a b* about it, because there will be days when you will be desperate for anyone to come hold the baby and give you a break.  

AND: People wanting to take your newborn for a week is just bizarre. If you aren't planning to BF, you might consider changing that plan; then they really can't just take him. :)

 


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11-15-2012 at 3:02 PM
drpayne
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lucy460:

I think it's already time to set expectations. "Thanks; I know I'll appreciate the help, but I also want to get a lot of time with him myself! You'll get to see him, but I don't think it will work for you to ______________" (Take him for a week, whatever.)

I think the important thing is, address it now but make sure nto to be a b* about it, because there will be days when you will be desperate for anyone to come hold the baby and give you a break.  

AND: People wanting to take your newborn for a week is just bizarre. If you aren't planning to BF, you might consider changing that plan; then they really can't just take him. :)

 

this


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11-15-2012 at 3:04 PM
Laura_Elai...
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Sadly, it sounds like you're going to have to be blatently rude about it. If/When they come over, flat out refuse. If you're EBFing, it might be easy to use that as an "excuse" that you need to be with your baby. No way would I let someone come over and take my baby anywhere... it's not like baby will remember the fabulous outings so-and-so took him/her on when they were a month old! And if they say they want to give you a break (as, legitimately, it might be nice to have someone watch baby/give them a bottle so you can grab a shower... or a nap!) say they can not leave the house while you shower, nap, whatever. Hide the carseat in the attic, if you must, so they can't just put baby in and leave. How rude to think they can walk all over a mama like that - especially a new mom! Ooooh, pregnancy hormones are getting me mad at them for you!

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11-15-2012 at 3:08 PM
Meli B
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You are the parent and you need to set the rules. That doesn't mean you are being rude but a responsible parent. It's also flu season so I do not plan on having a lot of people in and out of my house whenever they wish. I already had a very bad experience with my oldest son having to be hospitalized when he was a newborn due to a sick person stopping by to visit. Since then I have been very straight forward and set my rules. Also, there is NO WAY that anyone can just come over and take my child especially not a newborn. My DH and I plan to spend a few days alone with our children while we settle in and our family knows it and respect it. Good Luck ;)

 
11-15-2012 at 3:14 PM
happytobem...
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I find this behavior really odd. Who takes someone's newborn away for a week? I understand they are just trying to help, but as tired and sometimes frustrated I was when I had my daughters I NEVER would have let someone take them for a whole day nevertheless a week. I think at most I left them for an hour or two for a haircut, etc.

 


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11-15-2012 at 3:25 PM
Beth.1212
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Laura_Elaine:
Sadly, it sounds like you're going to have to be blatently rude about it. If/When they come over, flat out refuse.

I don't disagree with most of what Laura_Elaine said, but I totally disagree with the idea that you have to be rude. Refusing the let them take your newborn away from you doesn't have to be intrinsically rude. You can blatantly turn them down in a polite way. Sometimes I think as women, we're trained to think that no=rude, but it really doesn't.

"We're going to take baby next week for you. We're so helpful!"

"That won't be possible. It's really important for me and baby to bond during these early months. Maybe when she's 10-12 months old [OP, insert whatever time you think is appropriate] we'll be ready for her to spend a few days away from home."

"You're so ungrateful! We're trying to help!"

"I really appreciate the impulse! You know what'd be really helpful, though? If you could spare the time, I could really use some help with the [laundry/vacuuming/dusting/whatever you want to put in here]. All of my time right now is being spent taking care of baby and getting to know him/her, and the house is such a mess! I totally understand if you can't help out in that way, though."

If you just want them to leave you don't have to go with the "help with housework" bit, of course. You could just say "We're really not ready for visitors yet. When we are, I'll give you a call and we can plan a visit!" or something. 

Whatever you do, decide what you're comfortable with, set boundaries, and remain firm. They may give you a hard time, but know that you're doing what's best for your LO and your family. If you keep firm boundaries, they'll eventually have to accept them. They're not going to take your baby if you say no - that'd be kidnapping! Plus, you'll be setting the stage for the future. If you can stand your ground here, next time they want to pressure you into something, they'll likely back down more quickly because they know that doesn't work well on you.

Good luck! 

 
11-15-2012 at 3:36 PM
ImaniJ55
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thanks for the advise ladies. It's just that I'm so nervous because Im worried of how things are going to be when I do come home with my baby. And that's not even including visitors! So adding them with their expectations makes me a little more nervous especially because its going to be flu season too.

When I'm nervous I tend to be a little hot-headed towards people.

I need to speak with them and do some relaxation techniques or something because this is nerve wrecking to me..

But thanks again. Im putting everything you all said to use!


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11-15-2012 at 3:36 PM
elvinnoe
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I understand you may not want to hurt feelings or burn bridges, but if someone is blatant enough to tell you they plan on taking your child from you for any amount of time, then you're allowed to be blatant enough to let them know it's not going to happen.  You can say it as nice as you like, but don't leave room for them to talk you out of it.  Be firm.


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11-15-2012 at 3:43 PM
julliette8...
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Sounds like its time to set some healthy boundaries up. Best of luck!!
11-15-2012 at 3:44 PM
RissKay
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Girl, you are going to have to tell them what's what in the kindest way possible, and get more firm as the headstrongness comes out. It's your baby that you need to bond with, and they need to respect that. I do think they're probably trying to be helpful AND selfish at the same time, so try to focus on the "helpful" part of their intentions. ;) 

I'm going to be dealing with crap as well. We're going to (hopefully) be travelling 9 hours to go up to visit family for Christmas and such, and we're going to be sleeping at my parent's house, who have basically an entire basement with a bedroom, bathroom, and sitting area we can use and be private. My inlaws are VERY upset at this, even though we've been preparing them for months that this is how it is going to be. I've tried to set it up so that every one knows full well they are welcome to come to the house to see us, but we won't be getting out all of the time, if any (depending on how I feel and how cold it is out.) This has literally turned in to the biggest family feud EVER. They still aren't speaking to me, and I don't care. I'm doing what is best for my child and if they want to see him, they are going to have to do it on my terms.

You have to do what you're comfortable with. We tried the nice and kind approach for months and they never said a word of having a problem with it, until they exploded about it. Now, I'm being firm and blunt about it rather than trying to tip-toe around feelings. The time for that, in my situation, is over. I wish you luck!!!  


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11-15-2012 at 4:03 PM
ashleyr409
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11-15-2012 at 4:07 PM
Chocodoxie...
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I feel a little differently than PP's on this. This is what I call an "acknowledge, ignore, move on" situation. Are you going to let them take your baby? No. So why get upset about it, when you know for certain that it isn't going to happen? They can live in Lala land all they want, but when they show up at your house and attempt to start the conversation about taking your baby the answer will be a simple "no". The fireworks you fear and the awkwardness you anticipate with regard to this situation will all dissipate in the light of new motherhood and the love of your child, I promise. 

If you feel that you have to say something, I would laugh. Laughter can be very helpful in dealing with issues that are both absurd and anxiety ridden. For example, "when I have _____ for the week," enter mother's light hearted chuckle followed by a "bless your heart, but I doubt I will be willing to send my baby away for an hour let alone a week". If they continue to pressure you, "Well, you'll see and you'll be begging me to take him off your hands!" input the "acknowledge, ignore, move on" phase. Say, "Ok, we will see when that time comes," and then change the subject.

The fact is, this is your baby, and you will find the courage to stand up and say no when, or if, this ever comes to fruition. 


Lost but never forgotten <3 :
1st BFP 2/8/06 m/c @ 12 weeks;
2nd BFP 2/9/07 w/ Clomid; DD (Monica Caroline) born 11/16/07;
3rd BFP 3/25/11 w/ injections m/c @ 5 weeks;
4th BFP 8/3/11 w/ injections diagnosed blighted ovum;
5th BFP 1/20/12 m/c @ 9 weeks;
6th BFP 4/27/12 Praying for our rainbow
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11-15-2012 at 4:12 PM
futuremrsc...
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Lock your doors and don't answer your phone if you are not prepared to let these people know that it is not acceptable to take your baby!

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11-15-2012 at 4:37 PM
Amaryllis6...
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I agree with what the other ladies have said.  now is the time to set up boundaries with these people.  when they say they'll be taking your child for the week, just smile and laugh and give them whatever excuse you want, but be firm that it's not happening.  I like to "kill them with kindness" like others have suggested.  My ILs are so crazy and irrational, I have learned to tune out all their rantings and just smile and do what I want when they start telling me what i should/shouldn't do with my child(ren).  "Bless your heart, but I don't think we'll be up to it" is a perfectly acceptable answer.  like someone else mentioned no =/= rude.  stand up for yourelf mama! you are the parent, and you (& DH) get the only say in how to raise your LO.  it might sound like a daunting task now, but once you have that sweet baby in your arms, the mama bear instinct will kick in and you won't give a flying rats a$$ what other people think. promise.

My IL think they can come stay with us for a MONTH.  lol.  I told DH they are perfectly within their rights to come visit for a day or so.... but 1) they won't be staying in our house, so they better plan on a hotel or something and 2) they better bet their a$$ they aren't going to be my priority, they aren't coming to have me entertain/clean up after them.  I'll have just given birth, and my only focus will be on my darling girls, and my hubby.  spending time as a family.

good luck OP!


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11-15-2012 at 6:27 PM
HappyMama3...
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Ya, that sounds a little wacky.  But, I would suggest taking some help around the house if these people will offer that.  Perhaps you could ask them to come over, and they can hold the baby while you grab a shower or a nap.  But taking your baby "off your hands"... ya that doesn't make sense.  Also, maybe these people can help with meals and light chores.  You will need help that is one thing for sure, so maybe you can put their offers to good use.  Good luck!

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11-15-2012 at 7:05 PM
MrsBigTime
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I didn't think it was funny when my MIL said she would be taking my baby from the time she is 6 months old until she was 2 when I wasn't pregnant, and I absolutely wouldn't think it was funny if she repeated something like that again now!

You will be the mama, you will need to be polite, yet firm, and thank your family for their willingness to help, but give them other ways in which they can actually be helpful.

Do you have a partner who supports you in this area? If you do, be sure you and him are on the same page and you can even have him have the more awkward conversations with your family, because after all, no one should stress a new mama out more than she already is!

11-15-2012 at 8:28 PM
Kingston54
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I wouldn't say anything except "oh thanks, we will worry about all of that when the baby comes!"  This way you're not shooting down help you might need - but you also aren't promising anything.  I can see having people come over to visit and/or stay for a while to help out - but not to take the baby with them.  That is weird to me!

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11-16-2012 at 9:56 AM
Mom2aBoy
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My sister told me that if the baby is not feeding she will have him. I laughed the first few times but then I got the feeling like she wasn't joking so I had to sit her down and say, "I know you are excited and I know you already love your nephew so much but I am sorry, you will NOT be having him as much as you think. We need time to bond with our child as well". She was disappointed but she understood. Who actually thinks that they can take my kid every second of every day?!

 
11-16-2012 at 9:58 AM
Mom2aBoy
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My sister told me that if the baby is not feeding she will have him. I laughed the first few times but then I got the feeling like she wasn't joking so I had to sit her down and say, "I know you are excited and I know you already love your nephew so much but I am sorry, you will NOT be having him as much as you think. We need time to bond with our child as well". She was disappointed but she understood. I actually wish I could just escape to a deserted island with DH and our son for the first 2 months of his life.

 
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