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11-18-2012 at 3:06 AM
nicolenint...
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Fiances parents are going to freak. Any advice?

So, today I tested positive, twice.  I was worried I had done the first test wrong and had bought another one that also came up positive, so now I have no doubts! 

 We were trying for over a year, so we are overjoyed, as well as my mother.  She seems bouncier about it than I am and is just dying to spoil me!

 However, my Fiances parents will freak out.  I have decided to avoid the conversation until after my first trimester and when we get a good read on the baby's heartbeat so I know that I'm not going to miscarry.  I don't want to tell them now, miscarry, then have them freak out over nothing.  Plus, I think it would lead to a long conversation about birth control and being more careful.

 We are a bit young (22 and 21, not that bad) which is why they will freak.  They want their son to go to college and get established in whatever it is that he wants to do and have never been happy for anything that truly makes him happy.  I believe he will be seen as a failure until he goes to college, and this won't help!  

Mainly, I'm afraid of yelling and hearing things like "Do you have a plan?  You know you have to get better jobs and stop working third shift right?  This is no longer about you, it's now about the baby."  Well duh.  I don't care what it takes, I will do what is best for my child.  I just hate their judgmental ways because we don't do things the way they do.

I'm asking advice, or maybe even personal experience stories because my parents are supportive and just want to be there for me, they have always been this way, and I don't know how to address aggressive parents.  Any ideas would be awesome.

 

 
11-18-2012 at 4:51 AM
animalcrck...
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Please do not take this the wrong way but I would be concerned if my son or daughter was bringing a child into this world without establishing a marriage, career, savings, etc.  It would totally freak me out!

I would definitely wait until you are further along to tell them.  This will also give you some time to figure out exactly what your plan is.   


 

 


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11-18-2012 at 6:51 AM
Bliss+Berr...
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Can I ask a question?  How is it that you have been "trying for a year" to get pregnant yet you are not prepared to tell your fiance's parents?  Furthermore, why not get married, have better jobs and a plan in place and then try to get pregnant? You post comes off as "I want what I want, when I want it" (read: immature and selfish) which is why your future in laws are probably going to judge you harshly whether you tell them now or 8 weeks from now.  You and your fiance have some growing up to do.  Good luck.

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11-18-2012 at 6:57 AM
KateRN08
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I think PPs are being a tad judgy. Telling her to grow up and get married before planning on having a baby is a little late at this point.

OP, get a plan in place. Show them how you plan on being self sufficient and how you are planning on supporting yourselves and the baby. I think they are just worried you won't be able to support the child. You both need to figure out what you need to do to have enough money and figure out if you need new jobs.

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11-18-2012 at 7:04 AM
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Bliss+Berry:
Can I ask a question?  How is it that you have been "trying for a year" to get pregnant yet you are not prepared to tell your fiance's parents?  Furthermore, why not get married, have better jobs and a plan in place and then try to get pregnant? You post comes off as "I want what I want, when I want it" (read: immature and selfish) which is why your future in laws are probably going to judge you harshly whether you tell them now or 8 weeks from now.  You and your fiance have some growing up to do.  Good luck.

Exactly.  Obviously thinking things through isn't a strong point in your relationship.  No wonder your FI's parents will be pissed.  Someone has to be smart about this situation.




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11-18-2012 at 7:21 AM
ZacksBride
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I agree with the PP - you say you have been trying for a year to get pregnant, yet you haven't figured out how to approach his parents about it.  i would also be very disappointed if my child did not go to college, did not have a stable job (that is how you made it sound), and was bringing a child into this world without a solid plan.  if you guys had truly prepared for having this baby by having savings, being marriend, and having everything lined up with a plan in place, you wouldnt feel nervous about telling his parents  - they wouldn't be able to say anything because you had truly thought it out and made arrangements. the fact that you are anxious about it, and know they are going to freak you, to me speaks that you really haven't prepared for this event fully.  i agree with the person who said you sound somewhat immature and young and had an idea that "i want a baby" so went forth with it without really thinking about all that having a baby really entails.  good luck

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11-18-2012 at 7:37 AM
ShelleyBQ
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I think I would wait to be further along to tell them, because you're right- no sense in telling them, having them get upset, then a miscarriage happens and everybody feels horrible.

Take the time now to make a budget (if you don't already have one), being realistic about the $ you make, the expenses you have, and do some research about the costs you will have raising the baby.  Figure out work schedules- will you need day care? How will you pay for that?  Consider cloth diapering instead of disposables, breast feeding instead of formula feeding.  If you can't make the finances add up, decide how you will increase your income, and start working on that.  Will one of you need a second job?  Start looking now.

In addition to that, consider your future goals.  Do you or your fiance want to go to college?  Will that be possible with the baby?  When and how?

If you can answer these questions, then when you tell his parents you will already have a plan and you will sound more mature and ready for this responsibility.

And in the end, you both want this child and that is what matters.  Even if his parents aren't happy at first- chances are good that they will fall in love with their grandchild.  As long as you both take the responsibility of being parents seriously and think of your child first and foremost, it will all work out.  Good luck!



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11-18-2012 at 7:44 AM
elmoali
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KateRN08:
I think PPs are being a tad judgy. Telling her to grow up and get married before planning on having a baby is a little late at this point. OP, get a plan in place. Show them how you plan on being self sufficient and how you are planning on supporting yourselves and the baby. I think they are just worried you won't be able to support the child. You both need to figure out what you need to do to have enough money and figure out if you need new jobs.

They're not being judgey - they're trying to help OP understand that the ILs might have legitimate reasons for being upset.  I don't believe being married is something all people have to do before having a family.  But I'm always curious what makes people say they're going to and then intentionally do things out of order (for the marriage scenario, kwim?)  If you WANT to be married but something is holding you back (like money, not having finished school, etc.) those things aren't any easier with a baby.


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11-18-2012 at 7:50 AM
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animalcrckr:

Please do not take this the wrong way but I would be concerned if my son or daughter was bringing a child into this world without establishing a marriage, career, savings, etc.  It would totally freak me out!

I would definitely wait until you are further along to tell them.  This will also give you some time to figure out exactly what your plan is.   


 

 

I agree. Their concerns and "lectures" are valid. Take it for what it is, concern for their family. Just because you don't want to hear it doesn't make it wrong. I wish you the very best, happy and healthy pregnancy. Get used to hearing all kinds of "advice" from family and strangers alike. It's coming whether you want it or not! 


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11-18-2012 at 8:06 AM
SLSeibert1
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I agree with a lot of what the PPs have said, wait until you're at least out of your 1st trimester and have a plan of action in place including jobs that have health insurance. You're going to want to show them that you've put thought into raising and providing for your child, not just trying to get pregnant. If my child was in the same situation I would be disappointed too, as parents we want the best for our children, and you will find that out very soon. You never want to be in a situation where you cannot provide basic essentials for your child and you certainly shouldn't rely on other people to provide those things for your child. I wish you the best, and a H&H 9 months. Good luck to you.

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11-18-2012 at 9:09 AM
heddy79
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Bliss+Berry:
Can I ask a question?  How is it that you have been "trying for a year" to get pregnant yet you are not prepared to tell your fiance's parents?  Furthermore, why not get married, have better jobs and a plan in place and then try to get pregnant? You post comes off as "I want what I want, when I want it" (read: immature and selfish) which is why your future in laws are probably going to judge you harshly whether you tell them now or 8 weeks from now.  You and your fiance have some growing up to do.  Good luck.

I couldn't have said it better myself.  My husband and I are both college educated and established in our careers and I still fret thinking about how can we afford all of this.  You're a very selfish person. As far as his parenst being judgy, their only concerned.  When someone has an opinion that doesn't match yours, it doesn't equal judgement, just another perspective which you obviously have been too immature to consider.


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11-18-2012 at 9:33 AM
mel1987
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Here is a personal experience story, instead of advice.

I was 21 when i found out i was pregnant with my fiancé. I told my parents, they were supportive and pushed me in the right direction to get a job and go to college.
Fiance's parents asked me if I had considered an abortion. They were not supportive. The relationship was rocky as hell, due to so much stress of having/raising a baby. We became pregnant again... And he left me. Thank God my parents got me to go to college and become independent.
I have two kids, and their father barely ever sees them. I have full custody.
Then I met the man of my dreams, got married and we are now having a baby.

GL!

 


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11-18-2012 at 10:48 AM
homebird
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I would be pissed if I found out my kid hadn't graduated from college (or gone to college) and was trying for a year to have a baby. I mean, college isn't for everyone, but I hope you have a plan in place to support the baby.

That said, what's done is done. I think waiting to tell is probably a good plan. 


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11-18-2012 at 11:06 AM
beachcombe...
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mel1987:
Here is a personal experience story, instead of advice.

I was 21 when i found out i was pregnant with my fiancé. I told my parents, they were supportive and pushed me in the right direction to get a job and go to college.
Fiance's parents asked me if I had considered an abortion. They were not supportive. The relationship was rocky as hell, due to so much stress of having/raising a baby. We became pregnant again... And he left me. Thank God my parents got me to go to college and become independent.
I have two kids, and their father barely ever sees them. I have full custody.
Then I met the man of my dreams, got married and we are now having a baby.

GL!

 

 

It CAN be done! Talk with your FI about jobs/college/planning, figure out a plan, then tell his parents when you're ready and don't let anyone convince  you that you can't do this. You can - it will be tough as hell, but it has been done for years and years.  


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11-18-2012 at 11:14 AM
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I got pregnant by surprise at 23.  I had just started my job 4 weeks earlier and was in a relationship with a guy for less than a year.   It was hard for us and of course it was a bad relationship and we broke up.     Having finances in order, being married, have a quality job does make the situation better, but it is not the end all be all.    You and your SO will make it work.   It will be amazing and once the little one gets here your IL's will be madly in love with your LO.   Just be prepared for the lectures from your family and be respectful and it will make it a lot easier on you and them.  You will understand where they are coming from once your LO gets here.  You just want the best for them, and the easiest road for their life.  

11-18-2012 at 11:45 AM
KateRN08
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elmoali:

KateRN08:
I think PPs are being a tad judgy. Telling her to grow up and get married before planning on having a baby is a little late at this point.

OP, get a plan in place. Show them how you plan on being self sufficient and how you are planning on supporting yourselves and the baby. I think they are just worried you won't be able to support the child. You both need to figure out what you need to do to have enough money and figure out if you need new jobs.

They're not being judgey - they're trying to help OP understand that the ILs might have legitimate reasons for being upset.  I don't believe being married is something all people have to do before having a family.  But I'm always curious what makes people say they're going to and then intentionally do things out of order (for the marriage scenario, kwim?)  If you WANT to be married but something is holding you back (like money, not having finished school, etc.) those things aren't any easier with a baby.



Yea I agree that it sounds like they don't have a plan in place and just wanted a baby but it's not anyone's business if they chose to have a baby first before marriage. That's what I was trying to get at. I do think his parents have a reason to be upset if they are as unprepared as she makes them sound.

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11-18-2012 at 11:57 AM
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Bliss+Berry:
Can I ask a question?  How is it that you have been "trying for a year" to get pregnant yet you are not prepared to tell your fiance's parents?  Furthermore, why not get married, have better jobs and a plan in place and then try to get pregnant? You post comes off as "I want what I want, when I want it" (read: immature and selfish) which is why your future in laws are probably going to judge you harshly whether you tell them now or 8 weeks from now.  You and your fiance have some growing up to do.  Good luck.

Exactly. The whole OP reeks of childish "me, me, me" attitude and how dare anyone make my think about the future- I'm living for the NOW! I've seen 21/22 year olds that are in a place where they are ready for a child, both financially and emotionally. OP, you don't seem to be one of them in either category. You come off more like the girls on Teen Mom.

 

And I hate to break it to you OP, but you are never clear of the possibility of miscarriage. The chances drop drastically after 1st tri, but it is never a guarantee until the child is born.

 

 



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11-18-2012 at 1:21 PM
imoan
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My advice is to listen to their advice.  They have very valid points, and just wanting to stuck your fingers in your ears and sing "lalala" while they talk makes you sound like petulant teenagers (even more so than trying for a year to get pregnant with absolutely NO plans in place).


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11-18-2012 at 4:08 PM
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Well you have two months until you're out of the first tri.  Why not use that time to work out a plan?  Have your fiancé enroll in a class or two for next semester.  Move out of your parent's house if you haven't already and get second jobs to save up some money until the baby gets here. If you take yourself seriously, others will too.

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11-18-2012 at 4:30 PM
yonick
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I don't know why I am still reading this forum day after day. I have long realized people here are the most judgemental freaks. She is here to seek advice and share the joy, guys, why would you like to freak her out more by telling her what she has been doing is not "correct". Bear in mind that there aren't only one perfect kind of parents, one kind of life and one single way to have a baby... 
 
11-18-2012 at 4:38 PM
MotherMayE...
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I was married at 18, had my first child at 20, went back to college at 22, graduated at 26, divorced at 27, started dating my current husband at 30, had a second child at 35, got married shortly after, and am now pregnant with my third baby at age 41.

The truth is, my first child did not get the attention she needed because I was so busy still growing up while she was little. I am lucky my husband had already completed more than half his undergrad degree by the time we were married so that he could work while I went back to school. But, I definitely had a better experience raising my second child and he's been able to take center stage in my life.

Moral of the story: Even if you do have a plan to complete college with a baby, it is not really fair to have planned a pregnancy without finishing your own plans to grow up first. You would have done better to plan to have a child once you and your fiancé were finished growing up -- so just expect backlash and some challenging times ahead.

Can it be done? Of course. But you need to start making good, selfless decisions from here on out.


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11-18-2012 at 5:13 PM
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I would tell them early and get it over with.... They may be more upset if you hidenit from them. I don't expect them to be thrilled and you can expect some negativity but hopefully they will have some good advice for your FI's future and be supportive. 

Thankfully I left my job just before getting pregnant because with my HG I would never have been able to hold down my job. I hope you have a safe, happy and healthy pregnancy and can continue working as normal. You guys should definitely persue further education as it will mean a better future for you and your child.  

 

11-18-2012 at 6:13 PM
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Im 20, and my husband is 21 we just got married in june and im 8 weeks... we have a home and all that stuff so we are prepared(as possible) in that aspect...but im scared to tell my family ( and i think its my own judgements on myself) that I'm convincing myself that they will be so mad. but yet i know they will be excited.. you just have to remember that it was your choice, your family so you need to take responsibility and they should see that. they will come around im sure my mom wont be 100% thrilled but hey....we're married for a reason...we make our own choices.

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11-18-2012 at 6:42 PM
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yonick:
I don't know why I am still reading this forum day after day. I have long realized people here are the most judgemental freaks. She is here to seek advice and share the joy, guys, why would you like to freak her out more by telling her what she has been doing is not "correct". Bear in mind that there aren't only one perfect kind of parents, one kind of life and one single way to have a baby... 

So you support people that have zero means to support themselves having kids? 

Because I do not. I couldn't give a crap less about her actual age. They cannot financially support themselves- they have no business intentionally trying to have a child. That's just stupid. I would bet she's uninsured as well. 

So the taxpayers of her state not only get to pick up the tab for her maternity care and delivery, but she will also be getting money to raise the child that she can't afford. 

Awesome. Nothing says responsibility and ready for parenting like mooching off other people.

 



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11-18-2012 at 7:23 PM
Lissa832
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If you're scared to tell them you're pregnant because you feel like you'll get "in trouble" then you shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place. Who cares what they think, unless you are financially dependent on them? As a mother myself,I would be afraid for my kids too. 22 years old and trying for a year with no education? Recipe for mom and dad to be picking up the tab.

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11-18-2012 at 7:58 PM
yonick
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GhostMonkey:

yonick:
I don't know why I am still reading this forum day after day. I have long realized people here are the most judgemental freaks. She is here to seek advice and share the joy, guys, why would you like to freak her out more by telling her what she has been doing is not "correct". Bear in mind that there aren't only one perfect kind of parents, one kind of life and one single way to have a baby... 

So you support people that have zero means to support themselves having kids? 

Because I do not. I couldn't give a crap less about her actual age. They cannot financially support themselves- they have no business intentionally trying to have a child. That's just stupid. I would bet she's uninsured as well. 

So the taxpayers of her state not only get to pick up the tab for her maternity care and delivery, but she will also be getting money to raise the child that she can't afford. 

Awesome. Nothing says responsibility and ready for parenting like mooching off other people.

 

 

Because myself is in a similar situation and do not find your comments useful.

Everyone has his own plan. Maybe they are very rich? Maybe her mother is wealthy enough to support her and really want a grandchild? Maybe her fiance never thinks that going to a college is important. If everyone has to first go to college and then get married to have kids, what about those people out there who don't have a college degree and never want to get married. Who says that you need to have a college degree to have a baby? What about those existing fathers who never went to college before. Do you think that college is important? America's higher education failure is soon going to make the world realize that having a college degree does not mean anything and a lot of the time it is a waste of money for the students and everyone in society.

Or there is just some reason in her life that made her want this baby. But instead what you are telling them is that they are too young and immature to have this baby and a better option would be an abortion (since you keep saying that this is a "mistake"). How would she feel? Being a mother doesn't necessarily make you stronger or smarter. It always takes time and is a process. Why will you like to blame her when she is only at the beginning of her journey?

 
11-18-2012 at 8:06 PM
imoan
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Your opinion lost all credibility when you said "myself is in the same situation".  I'd say this is the exact reason people should go to college... But you learn the basics of grammar in elementary school.

 

 



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11-18-2012 at 8:11 PM
yonick
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imoan:

Your opinion lost all credibility when you said "myself is in the same situation".  I'd say this is the exact reason people should go to college... But you learn the basics of grammar in elementary school.

 

 

 

It has the correct grammar. Only people don't always use it. When I said myself, I meant "MEEEEE!!!"

I went to college but my degree doesn't necessarily say anything about my ability. I had a lot of dumb classmates and employers would not hire them for their degree.

Sorry about my grammar. English is a new language to me so I do make a lot of grammar mistakes.

 
11-18-2012 at 8:12 PM
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yonick:

Do you think that college is important? America's higher education failure is soon going to make the world realize that having a college degree does not mean anything and a lot of the time it is a waste of money for the students and everyone in society.

I think you should discuss this one with your doctor, see what s/he thinks.


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11-18-2012 at 8:13 PM
yonick
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MotherMayEye:

yonick:

Do you think that college is important? America's higher education failure is soon going to make the world realize that having a college degree does not mean anything and a lot of the time it is a waste of money for the students and everyone in society.

I think you should discuss this one with your doctor, see what s/he thinks.

 To discuss politics with my doctor? Okay. 

 
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