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11-21-2012 at 1:10 PM
osirismama
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osirismama is not online. Last active: 02-24-2013, 2:57 PMNewbie

MIL canceled the day before Thanksgiving!! Vent!!

Very Long Vent...

So my MIL is a bit of a drinker, H has been alcohol free for a complete year now.  MIL lives 10 miles away from us with her boyfriend and her 23 year old daughter. She has been to our home twice in the past 3 years. Usually every year we go to her home for Thanksgiving Lunch and Christmas festivities, where we have to feel like poo because she may buy us a little gift, and we then have to sit and watch them open up New LCD TV's and Wiis and other expensive gifts. It kind of makes us feel like crap because we can not afford those things. This year H did not want to have to deal with all the drinking for the holiday. So we decided to invite her and SIL here for Thanksgiving dinner.(the boyfriend has to work and was unable to come. but he was invited) We told her we would get everything and cook everthing and she could just relax and spend some time with us and her grandson(DS1). Our only thing was that we do not drink here, so H told her she would not be able to drink here either. First she said she didn't know. Than she called back and said that her and SIL would be here. Offered to bring dessert. We told her if she wanted to.

In the back of our minds H and I have been thinking that she was going to call and cancel. But she was all fine. Last night I went and got everything for Thanksgiving dinner, Turkey, Rolls, Red Skin Potatoes, Cranberry Sauce, Stuffing, Beans, ect. Spent a pretty penny. But we were excited because she was going to come. She called H today at 10 to tell him that she wasn't going to come. Her excuse "Your sister is sick and I do not want to leave her home alone. But we are going to B-'s parents house Sunday to have Thankgsiving dinner if you want to come. Which I know you won't." Sister has a cold by the way. And I point out again, that they live 10 miles away, which is less than a 7 minute interstate drive from us to them. The Boyfriend's parents live over an Hours drive and does not know me or DS1. And sister is 23!! H got upset. He immediatley called and told me that she canceld.

It just has upset us so much that she decides to cancel a day before the big meal, with a lame excuse. We pretty much feel that it is because of the no drinking rule. She is fine leaving SIL any time her boyfriend wants to take her some where.

On a plus side, my brother and his family live below us, My mother was suprising us by coming up tonight to spend the holiday with us and leave Sunday. I had told her that we would not be down for dinner because MIL was coming, and she was fine with spending time with us later and through the weekend. I called Brother today to ask if it was okay that we came down for dinner and that we would bring food and help cook and all that. He was fine with the idea, This would have been the first year that we did not have the meal together anyways, so it will be nice to still have one more. H is okay, he loves my family, and they love him, and he is excited to see my mom too. So that is kind of good.

The thing I can not get over is that MIL would cancel this late. H has decided that this was the last straw and he no longer wishes to talk to her. We are moving near my mother in April anyways, but we were kind of feeling guilty about leaving MIL, even though she makes no effort to come and see H or DS1. Only calls when it is H's brithday, hers, or near the holidays. Wants us to always come there on Holidays, where we feel like we are not really wanted anyways. What kind of woman is this??

 

Thanks for listening. Time to clean up some more now.Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!

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11-21-2012 at 1:17 PM
evertz
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That really sucks. :(

 At least it sounds like your family is awesome and you guys have a good support base there. It's too bad that MIL is letting a bad habit come between her and her family. Sounds like you're better off without her.

 You should donate your food to a food bank! I hear they're short this year.

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11-21-2012 at 1:28 PM
osirismama
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osirismama is not online. Last active: 02-24-2013, 2:57 PMNewbie
I donated the turkey, since brother already has one. they still didn't pick up the rest so we will be using the things I have. But a Turkey is good, they were short this way.
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11-21-2012 at 1:58 PM
PansyPants
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That really stinks. I'm sorry your MIL is so inconsiderate :(
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11-21-2012 at 3:10 PM
pamperedgi...
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I'm sorry you guys have to deal with this. you guys are better off with your family. people who make you feel appreciated, love you, and want to be with you. its heart breaking to know that she would let a bad habit cost her relationships with her son and family. enjoy the time with your family. happy thanksgiving!
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11-21-2012 at 3:51 PM
sofamonkey
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So, let me get this straight.  You don't like spending time with MIL, you knew she'd cancel, yet you are surprised & upset?  It really sounds like you need to get realistic with your expectations of your MIL.  Really. Or you will continue to set yourself up for HUGE disappointment. 

On the plus side, your current plans sound fantastic!  And donating the turkey was a really nice thing to do.  Smile  I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. 

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11-21-2012 at 4:23 PM
osirismama
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osirismama is not online. Last active: 02-24-2013, 2:57 PMNewbie
sofamonkey:

So, let me get this straight.  You don't like spending time with MIL, you knew she'd cancel, yet you are surprised & upset?  It really sounds like you need to get realistic with your expectations of your MIL.  Really. Or you will continue to set yourself up for HUGE disappointment. 

On the plus side, your current plans sound fantastic!  And donating the turkey was a really nice thing to do.  Smile  I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. 

The reason I was suprised and upset was that she led us on until the day before. I thought the latest she would cancel would be last week. But to wait until last minute was rude. The reason we don't like spending time with her is because Alcohol always has to be involved. No matter what. But you are right, we need to get realistic. We know that she won't be there like the grandma she "wanted" to be. But we just thought with her knowing this would be our last holiday with her, maybe she would try to embrace it. Obviously we were wrong. And we are not going to expect anything from her anymore.

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11-21-2012 at 6:36 PM
kgs0505
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Happy Thanksgiving! And I'm glad not all is lost and you have a great alternative plan :
Just a thought, have you or dh ever gone to an AlAnon mtg? They can be really helpful when handling family with drinking issues.
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we movied on to adoption!
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11-21-2012 at 7:07 PM
daniellele...
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Sorry that you're having problems dealing with this. As PP said, AlAnon might be a good thing to look in to.

 My own mother has had similar problems in recent years and although *I* know what a great person she has been in the past and could still be, DH only has this awful representation of her. 

After many tearful debates, we came to the conclusion that family is family. If they fall off the wagon, you should help them back on but don't let them pull you off the wagon either. You have to have balance.

You guys should talk to her. Maybe she doesn't realize how her decisions are hurting you.

Good luck and Happy Holidays!

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11-21-2012 at 8:04 PM
Spacebunny...
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Glad the turkey found a good home.  That sounds like the silver lining, that others are going to benefit from the situation.

Since I don't know the full details, and it's clear that this situation with your MIL is already a problem, I'm guessing that's the real reason you're upset, but just for some perspective, I got sick one year at Christmas--I was in my early 20's I think--and my mom stayed back with me instead of going where our family had planned to go, not so I could be taken care of, but because being alone on Christmas would suck.  So, maybe your MIL was trying to be a loving mom to SIL and not leave her by herself on T-giving, and your SIL was trying to not get everyone, including a pregnant SIL (you) sick.  Maybe not.  But it's possible. 
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11-22-2012 at 7:33 AM
hugmonkey
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I don't have an advice, but I wanted to let you know I know how you feel. My mother is a bit of a drinker and has canceled a holiday meals several times the day of because she was "sick" again.

Me: 35 DH: 30 TTC since 1/2010 DX: 6/15/2011: MFI IVF with ICSI

IVF #1: Sept 2011: Beta 10/10- BFP!! 1st u/s 10/31/11 1 blighted ovum, 1 embryo 2nd u/s 11/14/11 stopped growing, no h/b D/C 11/17/11

IVF #2: FET 5/4/12 : Beta 5/16/12 BFN

IVF #3: ET 7/6/12 : 7/18 Beta #1 BFP at 246, 7/20 Beta #2 at 713, 7/27 Beta #3 at 9068. 1st u/s 8/7 with one lovely hb.
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11-22-2012 at 7:37 AM
kimmarie11...
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Sounds to me that you weren't really looking forward to spending the day with her. I say count your blessings and be thankful that you at least have some family that you enjoy! Happy Turkey Day!
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11-22-2012 at 7:51 AM
pavlovcat
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When someone has an active addiction, that addiction will always have more power over them than anything else.  Your MIL probably won't acknowledge she has a problem and so convinced herself she could spend a day at your house without drinking.  But when the day was finally upon her, she couldn't do it.

Until she seeks treatment, alcohol will always be more important to her than you and your family.  And she will probably show more love and affection to those in her life that do drink because they enable her addiction and she feels safe and close with them.
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11-23-2012 at 8:21 AM
pinottopar...
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That is INCREDIBLY annoying and I would also be VERY irritated if my MIL cancelled at the last minute after I had already gotten the food. We had a LOT of drama yesterday with both my own family and my in-laws, so I feel you.

Having said that, I honestly give the side-eye at your comment that you told your MIL she wasn't allowed to drink. That sounds a bit controlling to me. She's a grown adult... if she wants to drink on a holiday, I think she should be allowed to. If you don't feel comfortable with her holding your son or something, that's one thing.... but telling a grown a$s woman that she can't drink seems a bit presumptuous to me. 
Amanda

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