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11-25-2012 at 5:39 PM
aostrows
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Shower etiquette? Help!

Ok so etiquette speaking, who planned your baby shower? The reason I ask is that I am due in April and my BFF offered graciously to plan my shower. She lives in MD and I live in NC so I thought that was so amazing of her. My sister and a few friends have offered to help. Sent date to my mom to check availability and she was very hurt and said that she should be the One to plan the shower. To give detail, my mom never asks me about me or the baby or how I am feeling. This entire process she has been less than involved. Additionally, she has a history of causing major drama at every big event in my life ( including college graduation,21 st birthday, wedding, graduate school graduation)and I assume this occasion will also follow suit. My mom, her husband and dog came down for Thanksgiving. They were happy to show us over 400 pictures of their recent trip to France but when I asked if she wanted to see our recent sonogram pictures she asked how many there were, and then made a comment saying she guessed she had time. The entire visit she didn't mention the shower or planning, asking me what I wanted...nothing. She then has the nerve to be upset with me when her dog pees on my carpet and my husband is the one stuck cleaning it up (while her husband stood there watching)that I want her to let her dog out regularly and watch him (so much s that she left less than 24 hrs after she got there and now won't answer my texts). Due to all of these reasons and the volatile relationship with my mom, I think I am going to tell her I want my friends to plan my shower so that she can attend and just enjoy herself. I really want it to be a special day WITHOUT all the drama. Am I crazy? Are these overshadowing things minimal? Thanks for any advice ladies, I am really just feeling sad and like such a horrible person for feeling this way...
 
11-25-2012 at 5:54 PM
happy_un-b...
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I think it's a first come first served sort of thing when it comes to showers.  IMO you already accepted your BFFs offer; so the options are they work together or mom can host her own shower.

I'm having 2 showers; one hosted by my SIL and MIL, and one hosted by my DHs step-mom.  My moms take on showers is that these are hosted by friends, so that's one reason they're not hosting one for me.

 Good luck. 


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11-25-2012 at 5:56 PM
JSS1002
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I think it is sort of unusual for the mother of the mother-to-be to throw the shower, but maybe that is just in my friend/family circle.


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11-25-2012 at 5:57 PM
bmoscowitz
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Have your friend plan it.  You have a family and this is your baby, you should let yourself be a little selfish without feeling horrible about it.  You don't need extra drama during an already stressful time.
 
11-25-2012 at 6:04 PM
rpalen29
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if your mom really wanted to plan your shower; she would of said something a long time ago. Knowing a little bit how your mom is; it seems like shes doing this on purpose to cause more "drama". My mom and MIL at my BRIDAL shower were saying how they were going to handle my baby shower; and we should have it at the same location. My mom immediately said something as soon as I told her we were preggo; and a week later had the date and venue and everything picked out.

I would tell your mom someones already been planning it; and has the venue, already put down deposits ect. and that she should of said something a month or two ago about hosting your shower. If you feel like she needs to contribute; you can tell her to help with decorations and a diaper cake or whatever you can think of. 


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11-25-2012 at 6:10 PM
pnutg
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I like PPs advice to tell your mom your BFF is going to plan it so that way your mom can just come and enjoy herself. And more importantly, YOU can enjoy YOURSELF.

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11-25-2012 at 6:27 PM
Disneygeek...
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Nope, not breaking any etiquette rules by having your friend plan it.  If your mom truly wanted to plan it, she would have said something a while ago. 

Honestly, it seems to me that your mom is really self absorbed and is looking for reasons to draw attention to herself.  Don't let your shower be one of them.  Tell her that your friend has already started planning one and let it be.  Oh and prepare yourself that this won't be the last time that your mom tries to make an important event in your life all about her. 

 
11-25-2012 at 6:48 PM
caladpi02
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JSS1002:
I think it is sort of unusual for the mother of the mothertobe to throw the shower, but maybe that is just in my friend/family circle.

This.

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11-25-2012 at 7:17 PM
rm2013
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stw_77:
Nope, not breaking any etiquette rules by having your friend plan it.nbsp; If your mom truly wanted to plan it, she would have said something a while ago.nbsp;
Honestly, it seems to me that your mom is really self absorbed and is looking for reasons to draw attention to herself.nbsp; Don't let your shower be one of them.nbsp; Tell her that your friend has already started planning one and let it be.nbsp; Oh and prepare yourself that this won't be the last time that your mom tries to make an important event in your life all about her.nbsp;


THIS

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11-25-2012 at 10:39 PM
MrsP7309
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My mom brought up my baby shower the day I told her I was pregnant. If your mom really wanted to host, she would have said something already.



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11-25-2012 at 10:56 PM
sofamonkey
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Your mom didn't even mention it, so why to you feel the need to clear up who is hosting your shower?  Just have your friend plan it.  If your mom brings it up later or offers, you can either have her throw a separate one, or tell her that your friend has it covered. 

You really are making this more difficult than it needs to be.  Really.  


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11-25-2012 at 11:25 PM
B27
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I totally understand; my mom is great a guilt trips and drama too! I know it's hard, bc you feel bad about hurting your moms feelings- but don't. This day is about you and your kiddo.your friend will do a fantastic job, and you can ENJOY your day, which is so important. Know that your mom makes choices; by being uninvolved and not asking about the pregnancy, ect. She has chosen to not do the shower. You shouldnt feel bad, because your happiness is important, especially since she has behaved badly at other important life events. I know it's easier said then done though. Good luck! 
 
11-25-2012 at 11:35 PM
wouldntitb...
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I have remarkably similar mom/ drama queen issues, and my solution is very serious boundaries. If it were me, I would move forward with the shower you want, explaining that lots of people are excited for your special day, and you want her to work with your bff, sister, and other friends. If she can't dig that, she's being a baby. I live and was raised in CA, so if there's a particular southern etiquette I'm not aware of I apologize, but I don't believe anyone is ENTITLED to throw a shower. Further, I believe that in a wedding situation it's sometimes thought of as gauche for family to throw it. I assume the same rules extend to baby showers. 

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11-25-2012 at 11:41 PM
LadyDelila...
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If you THINK some one will probably not come through just count on them not to. With showers and weddings people are usually true to form good or bad. If your friend will come through with out the drama then go with her. If your mom wants to host a special luncheon for you and some close family and you think she will do well with that suggest it to her and see if shell bite on it. GL I know its a tough situation to be in.

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11-26-2012 at 6:37 AM
EyeStoneFl...
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Let your friend plan it so that you will have peace of mind. Your mother sounds like a selfish individual, especially at your expense. This is your moment, not hers so don't let her emotionally blackmail you into giving in. Be firm and put your foot down when it comes to her shenanigans.

Good luck and have fun at your shower. 


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11-26-2012 at 7:31 AM
aibrean
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My friend offered when I was still early in my 1st trimester and then when I told my other friend she was upset because she wanted to do it but didn't want to jump the gun (waiting until I was out of the major miscarriage stage). Unfortunately they both kind of hate each other (I've always had to spend time with one or the other and never both).

My biggest issue is the first one lives nearly two hours away and she lives in a little apartment so I am not sure how that will work. I've got the go-ahead from my mom to host it at her house so now I have to see if my friend is up for that. There is a lot of family coming from out of state and they aren't going to want to drive an extra two hours either. 


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11-26-2012 at 11:18 AM
kellpaluga...
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I think it is who ever asks you!  I had 3 showers for my first baby - Church family, one at work and family (both sides together).  It is really all about who approaches you!  

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11-26-2012 at 11:48 AM
flerlgirl
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JSS1002:

I think it is sort of unusual for the mother of the mother-to-be to throw the shower, but maybe that is just in my friend/family circle.

When my sister had her baby, my mom helped a ton with the shower but said it wasn't proper etiquette for the mother to actually throw the shower. I don't know if that's a regional thing or across the board but that's what I heard. And I agree with some of the PP; your mom can either join in on this shower with your BFF or just throw her own.  


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11-26-2012 at 12:01 PM
chelchel77
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Etiquette rules actually dictate that family members do NOT throw showers.  The reasoning behind this being that a host who is related to the guest of honor actually benefits from the gifts as well, therefore they are (in some twisted, unfathomable way) throwing a shower for themselves as well.  This, like many rules of etiquette, is an out-dated concept that comes from a time when families were much more dependent upon each other and often had many generations living in the same household.  The rule (I think, especially for baby showers) is rarely followed anymore.

That being said, you could appropriately argue that it would be improper for your mother to throw your shower.

 


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11-26-2012 at 2:15 PM
silverfana...
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chelchel77:

Etiquette rules actually dictate that family members do NOT throw showers.  The reasoning behind this being that a host who is related to the guest of honor actually benefits from the gifts as well, therefore they are (in some twisted, unfathomable way) throwing a shower for themselves as well.  This, like many rules of etiquette, is an out-dated concept that comes from a time when families were much more dependent upon each other and often had many generations living in the same household.  The rule (I think, especially for baby showers) is rarely followed anymore.

That being said, you could appropriately argue that it would be improper for your mother to throw your shower.

 

This! Although I have attended many showers thrown by family and not thought badly of the person, my family (and I'm sure many others) still follow this ettiquette tradition.
 
11-26-2012 at 7:31 PM
Lilou902
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caladpi02:
JSS1002:
I think it is sort of unusual for the mother of the mothertobe to throw the shower, but maybe that is just in my friend/family circle.
This.

 Here it pretty much is always the mother and family.  My mom died when I was 19, so my grandmother has asked about a shower.





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11-26-2012 at 8:31 PM
notquitebl...
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It sounds like your mother is going to be a jerk at your shower no matter what.  Taking her out of the planning process as much as possible is the only way to minimize her drama.

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