community

all boards


birth clubs



my blog

Sort:
11-25-2012 at 10:41 PM
YoungMommy...
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-20-2012
6,678 Points
YoungMommy2010 is not online. Last active: 03-03-2013, 10:31 AMNewbie

I'm always going to feel bad :(

so my sister in law and I both found out we were pregnant within a day of each other! we were so very excited to be pregnant together! but a few days later she miscarried. I can't help but feel that from here on out she'll resent me and my baby....or that I'll feel guilty knowing that SHE should have been pregnant too, ya know??? I want to be excited about my pregnancy, but at the same time I don't want to seem like i'm "flaunting" it in front of her.

Anniversary  Pregnancy Ticker  Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
11-25-2012 at 10:46 PM
sheacox
Not Ranked
Joined on 07-21-2007
33,526 Points
sheacox is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 2:12 PMBronze
Honestly. Yes she will always remember. I still think about my baby. I would have been due jan 3rd. I think about it all the time. It's a very hard and devastating process. Every woman deals differently. At the time my best friend was pregnant too. I had to distance myself from her for awhile. It hurt too much. Please don't worry if she distances herself for a bit. Also I wouldn't bring up the pregnancy to her. Don't say anything unless she asks you. She will be ok but might need some time. Just support her if she reaches out to you. And don't talk about your pregnancy around her unless she asks. There are plenty of other people to celebrate with. Give her time. :)

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

MrsKait13 and Lidialavonna labor buddies... Because two is better then one!!


TTC since 03/2011
BFP#1 spontaneous conception! 4/28/12 natural MC on 5/9/12
IUI#1 with clomid and trigger on 9/12/12
BFP#2 on 9/26/12 EDD 6/5/13
Beta #1 143 14dpo Beta #2 343 16dpo Beta #3 920 18dpo
Please, Please, Please stick baby!

 
11-25-2012 at 10:47 PM
Checkman24...
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-22-2012
8,056 Points
Checkman247 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 7:04 PMNewbie

So sorry to hear about your sister in laws loss- you guys are in my prayers

 

but in the same aspect you should be happy for yourself and you can be sad for her. Hopefully she will one day understand that god has a plan for everything even though we don't always agree with it.

 

I hope she will be happy for you and not resent you or your baby because you had no control over it.


 IAmPregnant Ticker  BabyFruit Ticker  BabyFetus Ticker 
11-25-2012 at 10:50 PM
YoungMommy...
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-20-2012
6,678 Points
YoungMommy2010 is not online. Last active: 03-03-2013, 10:31 AMNewbie
yeah she has already sort of distanced herself from me. which I understand. but yeah I won't mention things about my pregnancy if she doesn't ask....but I just worry about her seeing stuff on my facebook once I put it out there :/ I don't want to upset her..but I have family that I don't see much and so facebook is our way of sharing each other's lives so I don't NOT want to put things up.

Anniversary  Pregnancy Ticker  Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
11-25-2012 at 10:52 PM
Checkman24...
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-22-2012
8,056 Points
Checkman247 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 7:04 PMNewbie
I mean honestly I never experienced a m/c (and I pray for those who have) my future sister in law did and it was hard on her.. but you can't let that stop you from enjoying your pregnancy. I know that may sound harsh, but its the truth.. you should enjoy every second of it!

 IAmPregnant Ticker  BabyFruit Ticker  BabyFetus Ticker 
11-25-2012 at 11:00 PM
sheacox
Not Ranked
Joined on 07-21-2007
33,526 Points
sheacox is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 2:12 PMBronze
Most people wait to post on fb until after the first trimester anyways. That will give her some time. Yes it will probably still hurt her. But I can tell you from experience I was still happy for my friend. I wanted her pregnancy to go well. It just really really stings. She will be happy for you but her heart will ache for her baby. Over time she will figure out how to deal. As long as you are being respectful of her feelings that is all you can do. Be happy your pregnant and celebrate with those who you know can be good supports right now

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

MrsKait13 and Lidialavonna labor buddies... Because two is better then one!!


TTC since 03/2011
BFP#1 spontaneous conception! 4/28/12 natural MC on 5/9/12
IUI#1 with clomid and trigger on 9/12/12
BFP#2 on 9/26/12 EDD 6/5/13
Beta #1 143 14dpo Beta #2 343 16dpo Beta #3 920 18dpo
Please, Please, Please stick baby!

 
11-25-2012 at 11:19 PM
Beaglechon...
Not Ranked
Joined on 04-14-2012
8,856 Points
Beaglechon2012 is not online. Last active: 05-06-2013, 9:59 PMBronze
I am sorry for your SIL's loss. Have you considered blogging? It's really helpful to get some of the worries and concerns out sometimes.


Follow Me on Pinterest

 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
11-25-2012 at 11:32 PM
ladybugpjb
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-21-2008
65,451 Points
ladybugpjb is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 5:11 PMSilver

One of my close friends and I were due just about the same day. She found out around 14 or 15 weeks that she had lost the baby. We both talked (not planned) to a mutual friend about it, so the friend was able to tell us what each other was thinking. The friend who lost the baby didn't want me to leave her out, and I didn't want to cause her pain, either by leaving her out or by saying too much.

We eventually talked about it with each other, and understood how each other felt. It is important to her that her daughter be recognized as her daughter (if that makes sense), especially since she was so far along when she lost her. But her loss didn't diminish her happiness for me, though I'm sure she still felt pain when she saw us.

Our situation was a bit different, though, in that we live far apart and she never saw me pregnant. She actually came to help me with DS when he was about 4 weeks old and we were moving. The experience caused our friendship to grow deeper, both through joy and loss.

I really hope that (eventually) you can have the same experience with your SIL.


 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker  Pregnancy Ticker 
11-26-2012 at 12:04 AM
StarshineR
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-14-2012
9,535 Points
StarshineR is not online. Last active: 02-01-2013, 10:12 AMNewbie

I can't really help you as I've never miscarried, but maybe if you remember that this could happen to any one of us, even you. I'm sure a little empathy and understanding will go a long way, and yah, I wouldn't talk about my pregnancy in front of her unless she asks about it. Even just shoot her a quick email, and *ask her* these questions and express your concern. Don't meander on about it. Just keep it at 3 sentences or less. It might make ti a lot easier for both of you. She'll know that you care enough about her not to hurt her, and you won't have to worry so much.

 
11-26-2012 at 6:37 AM
lily_721
Not Ranked
Joined on 03-13-2007
13,655 Points
lily_721 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 7:23 PMBronze

I think the best thing you can say is "I'm sorry this happened to you.  I want to support you the best way for you.  Please know I am here for you."  I would also give her some warning about your plans to update facebook regularly.  This gives her the option to hide your posts.

I have IRL friends/family who have suffered IF (like me).  When we announced our pregnancy, we told them in advance so they had a few days to deal with it in their own way.  I also told them that we loved them and understood the waves of emotions that would occur.


together since 2006
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011

TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers 
11-26-2012 at 6:50 AM
hoopduck
Not Ranked
Joined on 10-17-2012
15,565 Points
hoopduck is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 2:32 AMBronze

The fact that you are worried about how she feels going through her grieving process shows what a kind, loving sister you are. I was pregnant at the same time my SIL was pregnant with my niece, within 3 weeks of each other. I lost that one, and it really hurt to see her and her pregnant belly after that. About 6 months later I was genuinely happy for her and I couldn't wait to meet my niece. I just needed some time to grieve and to heal, and she never shoved it in my face or talked about it around me, which I appreciate to this day. One of the sweetest things she did - after it had been awhile, she asked me privately how I was doing emotionally. I did not expect that, and burst into tears. That was enough for her - she gave me a huge hug and told me how sorry she was I had lost the baby. One of the worst things is when people just pretend nothing has happened. The giant elephant in the room is unbearably large but people just try and do the polite thing and say nothing, do nothing. Not many people know how alone that makes you feel unless you've experienced it yourself.

     There are a couple of great websites around that have a list of what not to say to somebody who has miscarried. I had people say a few things on those lists to me - and they really, really hurt. One of the #1 things people unthinkingly say to a woman who has miscarried: it was meant to be, or it was somehow part of god's plan for me. If it was part of gods plan - explain all the abused and starving children born to uncaring parents. I don't believe god has anything to do with somebody losing their baby.That would just be cruel, and I refuse to believe that god would be capable of such an awful thing. It's like if you had your leg amputated and someone said - it was meant to be! Yup - just part of god's plan! What?? Are you crazy? lol. People usually always mean well, but the best thing to do is put yourself in the couples shoes and try not to use platitudes if you can help it. I hope your sister feels better soon, and you are very sweet to worry about her.

   Congratulations on your pregnancy, and try not to feel guilty. Just try to be there for her when the time comes, and tell her how sorry you are. She'll need the support of her sister before too long. *hugs*


TTC since 2004 Ectopic 2005, lost right tube. Multiple miscarriages.  BabyFetus Ticker 
11-26-2012 at 7:49 AM
purplepean...
Not Ranked
Joined on 04-24-2012
27,583 Points
purplepeanut6 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 9:04 PMSilver
YoungMommy2010:
yeah she has already sort of distanced herself from me. which I understand. but yeah I won't mention things about my pregnancy if she doesn't ask....but I just worry about her seeing stuff on my facebook once I put it out there :/ I don't want to upset her..but I have family that I don't see much and so facebook is our way of sharing each other's lives so I don't NOT want to put things up.


She can block your posts. You can also block her from seeing it on he wall

VOTE on my Name List
BFP #1: 7/18/12, M/C 8/6/12 @6weeks Missing my April Angel
BFP #2: 10/13/12 EDD: 7/28/13!  
11-26-2012 at 9:37 AM
cielos1980
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-31-2012
3,721 Points
cielos1980 is not online. Last active: 01-11-2013, 3:55 PMNewbie
I don't know your SIL so I can't say exactly what she is thinking, but having had 3 losses previously I can make a few guesses.  Yes she is always going to look at your baby and remember that she should have a little one the same age, she is never going to forget that. With all of my losses I have had either a family member or best friend due at the same time as the babies I lost. Not going to lie, it is extremely hard to watch them progress and then have the babies and you have nothing, so she will have pain and disappointment.  I applaud you for your sensitivity to the situation, that will help her far more than you realize.  Let her know how you feel, she is processing a ton of emotions and may not realize your concerns, many times after a loss we don't even know how we feel, be eachother's sounding boards, that helped me so much with my loved ones this year.  I doubt she will resent you, but there will always be disappointment.  I wish you and your SIL the best of luck!

BFP on 11/28/2011 Miscarriage on 12/28/2011; BFP on 1/27/2012; Natural Miscarriage at 10 weeks on 3/10/2012; BFP on 5/10/2012; Miscarriage on 5/24/2012; BFP on 11/20/2012 due 7/28/2013---Miscarriage 12/21/2012  
11-26-2012 at 10:11 AM
ShelleyBQ
Not Ranked
Joined on 03-18-2010
8,128 Points
ShelleyBQ is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 6:49 PMBronze

sheacox:
Please don't worry if she distances herself for a bit. Also I wouldn't bring up the pregnancy to her. Don't say anything unless she asks you. She will be ok but might need some time. Just support her if she reaches out to you. And don't talk about your pregnancy around her unless she asks. There are plenty of other people to celebrate with. Give her time. :)

This. Exactly.  It's so nice that you're already aware that this is going to be difficult for her, and I think just making sure she knows you understand and want to be supportive is going to be very helpful to her.



TTC Since November 2010
HSG clear, DH SA #1- Slightly low count & motility SA#2-normal
Lap&Dye/Hysterscopy Feb 2012: Endo stage 2
April 2012: Femera 5 mg & IUI = BFN
May 2012: Femera 5 mg & IUI = BFN
June 2012: Femera 5 mg & IUI = BFN
July/August 2012: IVF #1 = C/P
September/October 2012: IVF #2 BFP! Beta 1= 223 Beta 2 = 480 Beta 3 = 11,440
Everyone Welcome!
Image and video hosting by TinyPic 
11-26-2012 at 4:17 PM
KirstenCC
Not Ranked
Joined on 06-05-2009
15 Points
KirstenCC is not online. Last active: 04-26-2013, 12:41 AMNewbie
A girl at work and I were expecting at the same time last year I lost mine at 13wks and I didn't feel like I had anything against her but still it was hard to see her even after the baby was born because I was happy for her but really would feel sorry for myself even without trying, I was able to get pregnant again a year later and am doing much better.We have been talking ever since she had her baby. I still think about it when we talk but never bring it up because I think it was hard on her as well. I have learned to except it and I am so happy for her and am still excited for my first. :)
 
Hot Topics

New dad or dad-to-be? Chat with other dads here!
Visit the Dads & Dads-to-be board

Need baby shower inspiration? Get ideas here!
Visit the Baby Showers board

Chat with other crafty moms here!
Visit the Crafty Moms board

search boards

choose another board