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11-26-2012 at 2:03 PM
mistressco...
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Toddler at delivery?

How crazy would I be to consider having DD at my delivery?  

She will be 3 1/2 years old and is REALLY into being a big sister and behaves REALLY well for a 3 year old.  I will have DH and a doula with me for the birth and obviously would have a whole bag of things just for her if we had to do this.  

The reason I ask is because we live several states away from any family.  We just recently moved and I haven't really made many contacts that I could leave DD with.  We have the option of daycare 6:30am-6:30pm M-F and a friend that can take DD for weekends and evenings if we need to.  The problem is going to be if for some reason I go into labor fast in the middle of the night (friend works full time and has a 2 year old of her own so I wouldn't want to call her at 2 or 3 in the morning).  If we know before around 9pm I can call my friend to come stay with DD, but if for some reason I go into labor later and have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night I don't know what to do with DD which is why I'm considering having her there.  I know it's not ideal, but I'm not sure what else to do.  

I've started to look for a baby sitter, but the problem is we really don't need a babysitter that frequently so this would be essentially a stranger watching DD and I know I would just be worried the whole time.  

Anyone have experience or feedback on something like this?  Are there other ideas I'm not thinking of?   


 
11-26-2012 at 2:08 PM
Nana_Osaki...
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I totally get why you would consider it, but no. My toddler will be nowhere near me while in labor. Plus kids remember the craziest stuff. I don't think a baby coming out of your vag is really something I would want a toddler to remember.

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11-26-2012 at 2:25 PM
hocus
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My kid is 3 and I wouldn't bring her to a birth. I think that most people would err on not bringing her. Yes calling someone at 2 in the AM would be pretty sucky but better than having your kid with your while you were in labor. DH and I talked about this briefly when I had my second and I would have delivered alone and had my DH stay with my toddler over bringing her to the hospital.

I'd also look into your hospital's policy about this. They may have your husband out in the waiting room with your toddler since she's so young. At my hospital you had to be 16 to be in delivery -- no sibling exception.

If you do plan on having a standby babysitter I'd start using her regularly now so everyone is ok with it.


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11-26-2012 at 2:30 PM
SummerOH
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I wouldn't recommend this. Even the best 3 1/2 year old is going to be hard to entertain for hours and hours. You're going to want DH and your doula to focus on you, not watching DD, and I know for sure the nurses and doctor(s) won't be happy. It's a hospital, not a daycare. Maybe you can take her with you until you can get in touch with a friend to come get her and keep her or take her to daycare, or stay with her in the waiting room? Or maybe see if there's someone you could pay to come stay with her in the waiting room?

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11-26-2012 at 2:30 PM
sadsadie
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hocus:

My kid is 3 and I wouldn't bring her to a birth. I think that most people would err on not bringing her. Yes calling someone at 2 in the AM would be pretty sucky but better than having your kid with your while you were in labor. DH and I talked about this briefly when I had my second and I would have delivered alone and had my DH stay with my toddler over bringing her to the hospital.

I'd also look into your hospital's policy about this. They may have your husband out in the waiting room with your toddler since she's so young. At my hospital you had to be 16 to be in delivery -- no sibling exception.

If you do plan on having a standby babysitter I'd start using her regularly now so everyone is ok with it.

This. I doubt your hospital would allow it. You need to make other arrangements.


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11-26-2012 at 2:40 PM
mrsdelcast...
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My daughter is 4 and I plan on having her at the hospital with me, but not in the delivery room. We are in the lucky situation of having both DH's and I's families in town, so there will be plenty of people there to keep her entertained. I had thought about her being in the room with me, but I think at this point she would find it more scary than exciting. It's hard for little ones to see their moms in pain and they can't fully understand what is going on at this age.

 
11-26-2012 at 2:51 PM
hmontty
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I wouldn't want my little girl to have to experience mommy being in so much pain in a scary environment like a hospital. Toddlers need security and routine, not uncertainty and fear.

My 7-year-old "niece" (actually the child of a very close friend) was terrified to see me in a hospital bed hooked up to a drip even two days after my C-section with DD. She thought I must be terribly sick and in pain. I can't imagine how my own child, younger, would feel.

 I totally understand your predicament though. What I would do is either (1) get to know a caregiver now...make excuses to go out more, or else just have someone come to your house even when you are home to play with your child, so you can get to know them...and then also make sure they know that they are your go-to when labor comes, or (2) plan to have DH stay home while you deliver with your doula. The latter would suck, but under the circumstances...

 


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11-26-2012 at 2:56 PM
nk1220
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I would not even consider this.  Can one of your family members come and stay with you for a few days before your edd? L&D is not a place for small children.  I also would not want the stress of having another child in the room when you are trying to give birth to one! Most hospitals have rules about who can be on L&D floors and give specific sibling hours to come and meet baby.  Check it out. 

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11-26-2012 at 2:58 PM
Idani
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I'm with everyone else andthink you need to find another arrangement.  My son is a little over 3 and very well behaved as well. However I can tell you even visiting me in the hospital wasn't pleasant. It's not a warm and fuzzy place, I was hooked up to IV's and not myself after the section and he was petrified for me. He kept asking about the boo-boo's.  Also ditto the policy at your hospital. No one under 16 is our rule and no one under 12 is even allowed to visit once you have your baby unless a sibling.  Plus you need to think of the "worst case scenerio." What if something happened and you needed to be rushed in for a c-section? Then what would happen with DD? Would your husband miss the birth to watch her? I can't imagine any other way around that.

 
11-26-2012 at 3:01 PM
KatieKim08...
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I won't be having DS there. I don't want him to see me in pain and worry. I think kids are very sensitive to energy in a room and emotion so I think he would be very aware if I was in pain!

He's going to have some fun with Grandma while I am delivering and then come visit us the next day!! 


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11-26-2012 at 3:01 PM
bearkatjen
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Oh hell no, I don't want DS anywhere near me while I'm trying to focus through contractions. If I go into labor in the middle of the night, and we can't wait for my sister to get to our house, we will take DS to the hospital and DH will hang out with him in the lobby until my sister can pick him up. I would 100% rather labor without DH, than to labor with DS. 


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11-26-2012 at 3:05 PM
6fsn
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I would do everything in my power not to have my 3 yo there.  Is there someone at daycare that could act as a standby?
 
11-26-2012 at 3:44 PM
JRomeH
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Our DD is 6 and will not be at the hospital during labor/delivery.  She gets very concerned at seeing me in discomfort/pain (1st tri with nausea was upsetting to her at times), so though she has a loose understanding that there is pain involved with having a baby, I don't want her to see me in extreme pain.  I think 3 is way too young as well, and it has nothing to do with how your child's behavior.  I just think that's too much to handle, and as others have said, I'm not sure your hospital would allow it anyway.


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11-26-2012 at 4:13 PM
sschwege
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If you are delivering at a hospital as pp said, I highly doubt they will allow this.  

I have a friend who was at her mom's birth center birth and looking back on it as an adult she said it really kind of scared her and she was 6.  She said the scariest thing was seeing the placenta come out because she didn't know what was going on, she can still picture it vividly in her mind 20 some years later.

Also my Aunt had her babies at home and when when she had her third her two older ones actually had to leave the house with another family member because it was too hard for them to see their mother in so much pain.  

I just think especially at the age of 3 you really can't anticipate how they will handle anything.  DD is a little younger than yours, but she cries at every MW appointment she has gone to with me.  She likes going to her doctor, but I think she gets worried about me, like my MW is hurting me or something.  

I think a babysitter would be your best option.  Or do you have a neighbor who might be willing to come over?  Can your friend with the 2 year old recommend anybody?


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11-26-2012 at 4:53 PM
brianabrad
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I have no experience with this but DH still remembers having to be the hospital when his mom went into labor with his younger brother. He was 10 and said he was scared to death. She went early so the family scheduled to watch him was out of town. Hi mom went fast and didn't have time for an epi. He said he can still remember hearing her scream from the hallway.

I don't think having a 3 year old in the delivery room would be a good idea. What if something went wrong and you had to be rushed to a c/s? Your husband would probably have to stay with the 3-year-old and not be with you. What if she is gets scared and just scrams the entire time? Doubt you or the hospital staff would be too excited about that.

11-26-2012 at 5:14 PM
bandwife
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I've asked the question myself (we're in a similar spot - family far away) and always assumed I needed someone to watch our 3 year old.

Then last night I was talking to my brother, a father of three, and he said they never had anyone lined up to watch their kids (all of them 2-3 yrs apart). The oldest was there when the middle one was born, right at head of the bed talking to mom (she was 3 at the time) and when the 3rd was born both the kids were in the room, saw it, and still talk about it. They aren't scarred from it and my brother said it is a great thing for them to talk about.

Funny part is that with the third the older two saw him being born but my brother didn't because he was in the ER getting checked out for having the flu.

 So now I feel like we could probably get by without someone watching our three year old. We'll have some coverage with family visiting and part-time daycare but if DS is there I am not worried. 

I will also add that while my DH was awesome during labor I am a quiet labor-er and like to be on my own a lot. So I could handle him needing to step out and tend to DS.

Watched a few episodes of One Born Every Minute (British show kinda like Baby Story, but way better IMO) with DS and he loved it. Got very excited about the babies arriving and wasn't scared at all by the women that screamed a lot.

 
11-26-2012 at 5:46 PM
rjade9
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I think that it may be too much for a 3 year old, ds is 3 and I would never want him to see me in labor.  Heck dh had a hard time watching me in so much pain last time.  I think you should talk with your friend about a plan incase you do go into labor in the middle of the night.

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11-26-2012 at 5:53 PM
meganiobe
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I have a very well behaved 3 year old, and I would never want her there while I was in labor. She is already a little upset at the thought of mommy having to be in the hospital when brother is born, and I really wouldn't want her to have ill feeling about her brother being brought into the world. She already gets tender when we talk about how sometimes mommy is in pain because of carrying brother. She is a very kind hearted girl, and is VERY excited about being a big sister, but there is NO way I would let her in the room while I was in labor. She will be staying with someone until brother is here and then will be coming up to the hospital to see him.

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11-26-2012 at 6:08 PM
Amaryllis6...
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I wouldn't feel comfortable with this at all.  Not only that, but I doubt my hospital would allow it.

We also live far away from family, and my mother is gracious enough to come visit for a few weeks, not only to visit with us and DD, but also to help when DD2 makes her appearance.  DD1 will be spending time with Grandma while I'm in the hospital & my DH will be with me during labor, and probably spend nights with our DD.

If that's not an option for you, I'd really start looking now for a babysitter or someone to call to watch your LO.  GL


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11-26-2012 at 6:13 PM
Rosebean
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Not trying to be over the top with this, but I would think a toddler could find the experience stressful and possibly traumatic. Some daddies can hardly handle watching their women in that much pain, let alone explaining to a Toddler that mommy is in so much pain because a baby is coming out. I would continue searching for alternative plans. Kids don't like watching their parents in pain. You don't want your LO having that memory. 

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11-26-2012 at 6:49 PM
futuremrsc...
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My hospital only allows siblings under 14 there during labor (not birth) and there has to be an adult dedicated/responsible for that kid (not the birth partner/father) 

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11-26-2012 at 8:07 PM
ClaryPax
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My hospital does not allow it, so before you get too far check with them.  Otherwise I would say definitely not.  I get not wanting to call someone in the middle of the night, but unless your friend's boss doesn't allow people to take time off ever, I think you having a baby would be an OK thing for her to take a day off for.  Also even if you do call her in the middle of the night, and she takes your toddler she can always put the toddler back to sleep go back to sleep herself, and then take the toddler to daycare for you or your husband can and still make it to work for most of the day. 
 
11-26-2012 at 8:46 PM
choppinbro...
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Even if she's the BEST big sister in the world, she could still be traumatized by seeing you go through L&D.

If you're at a hospital, they won't allow it, probably. I definitely know they won't allow her to stay over.

My advice would be to fly your mom in before you are due, if your friend can't be counted on because of her work obligations. Although, people DO call in sick when they have to take care of someone else. You need to discuss it with her-- she might really want to be there for you, no matter what.


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11-26-2012 at 9:03 PM
stever
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No way. Both my labors were unmedicated and births uncomplicated, though there were some complications after DS1's birth, but it still would have been overwhelming for DS1 to be at the birth of DS2. All the medical equipment, me being in pain, it would have been too much.
11-26-2012 at 9:45 PM
Kingston54
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You seem to have a situation where having her there wouldn't be as much of a disaster as I could see it being with my 3 year old :)

That being said - I think the last thing you/DH need to worry about while you're in labor is watching a (even well behaved) toddler.  I'd definitely get someone to watch her!  Good luck!

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11-27-2012 at 1:51 AM
TwoSkis
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My DD was 2 years 3 months old when DS was born.  Our nearest possible babysitters were my parents 2 hours away.  And the scenario you describe happened:  DS broke my water at 4:00 a.m.

I called my parents immediately, even before the hospital, to get them a head start.  DS decided to move fast and the contractions came on hard, so by 5:00 a.m. we were on our way to the hospital with me moaning and a shell-shocked DD in the backseat.

Was it ideal?  No, but we expected this might happen.  We had packed "Finding Nemo" for her, and the nurses brought her chocolate milk, and she sat patiently and quietly in my L&D room while I VERY loudly mooed like a cow, trying desperately to stay in control of myself while waiting for some pain relief to not scare DD.  She stunned the heck out of me how well she handled it.  Besides the occasional side-eye when my moo-ing interrupted Nemo, she didn't seem at all phased.  At 7:15 a.m., after getting stuck in rush-hour traffic, my Dad finally got there to rescue DD just as I was getting my epidural.

No one ever told us DD wasn't allowed there (though I made it clear she would be picked up as soon as my Dad could get there.)  The anesthesiologist did ask DH to leave the room with DD while giving me my epidural, (if DD weren't there he could have stayed) and I totally understood she didn't want an unpredictable toddler around while messing with my spine.  All in all, I was stunned how well DD went with the flow.

Again, in an ideal situation, I wouldn't have DD there, but you do what ya gotta do.  Good luck!


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11-27-2012 at 3:47 AM
sofamonkey
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This is not a time to romanticize labor.  Complications can happen, and be very scary.  Even if it's a non-complicated, short & easy labor/delivery, it's a LOT for a kid to handle.  Get a sitter.  If you want to have your child there for part of it, you still will need an independent person to be responsible for your kid.  Snacks, entertainment, sleep, being overwhelmed or scared & needing to leave - all things someone needs to take care of for your kid.  That shouldn't be you or DH, as you guys already have plans that day.   

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11-27-2012 at 8:57 AM
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We do homebirths so yes my toddlers are present with no issues.  Our first was 16 months old when his sister was born.  He was not scared at all.  We used a CNM and she obviously has a lot of experience with kids at birth and said that kids react to how you are reacting.  If you act scared, they will be scared.  This will be my son's second birth and my daughter's first birth (they are now 2 & 3).  We've always had an open door policy to the birth- if they want to be there they can, if they don't they don't have to.  And yes, my son found it very special to witness it.  I also want to add that for me, birth is natural and nothing to be scared of so I'm always very calm during birth. 

 
11-27-2012 at 10:41 AM
TMWarren85
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Also- even if you do go into labor at 2am, more than likely you will have time to labor at home for a bit and then maybe closer to 5 or 6 you could call your friend and drop DD off on the way. And if you were to go into labor at 8pm you could take her over there that night even if you plan to labor at home so she's there and situated. My DD will be 3 months shy of 4 and she won't be in the delivery room, she will be somewhere occupied with family but close by as I want her to be the first one (besides DH and myself) to meet DS. When she's around that's all I can concentrate on, I would be afraid I would be too distracted by her to focus on labor.

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11-28-2012 at 11:01 AM
mistressco...
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Thanks everyone for the feedback.  A lot of what most of you said had been a concern for me (her seeing me in pain is a BIG one) and I had sort of lost sight of that.  I am REALLY hoping that I will have a slow enough labor to know that it's coming on in enough time to either get DD somewhere before bed time or have her be with me at home until daylight when we can take her somewhere.  (Planning on laboring at home as long as possible.)  However, of course that probably means I'll wake up at 2am with terrible contractions and have to go pretty quickly just because that would be our luck lol!  

I put up a post on sitter city and had a few people respond back, so I'm going to contact them and hopefully have someone available.  First choice will still be daycare or my friend, but I will work harder to make it a goal to get a babysitter lined up.  Just one more thing to do on my never ending "to-do" list before baby gets here!   


 
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