I can't promise this response is totally unbiased.  We had a similar situation in my fathers family.  During that whole thing when the lies were coming out, the abuse was being acknowledged, etc.  my parents decided together to keep in basic contact through letters, cards, etc.  Otherwise, they chose not to have us kids exposed to that toxic environment.  We didn't visit but we would send school pictures etc to let them know how we were getting on.  The big excuse was that they lived so far away and getting there was difficult - especially after Dad broke his leg so badly he couldn't drive at all.  Now that his parents are deceased, he has little to no contact with his remaining family, still by choice.  And it is a healthier environment for all of us as a result. 

You are right, they were his family first - but now, they are yours also.  Personally, I think this is a hard choice but one you need to make together.  There is no reason why you cannot continue to communicate with his grandmother.  If you have to have a reason not to attend family functions I suggest gentle honesty.  Let her know that you are not comfortable with the children being around their grandfather and leave it at that.  I doubt she is a clueless as you make her to seem.  I would bet the farm that she knows. 

Good Luck and God Bless - no matter what choice you make.  Sending T&P your way. 

Keep in mind, his mother may not be telling the truth. Or may be telling a distorted version of it. In a messy divorce, feelings get hurt, and people lash out. Do you know she's not lying?  Second, just because your husband is related to someone doesn't mean he's obligated to them. And yes, it is ultimately your husband's decision. You can have an opinion, but he doesn't have to abide it.

mabenner1:

Keep in mind, his mother may not be telling the truth. Or may be telling a distorted version of it. In a messy divorce, feelings get hurt, and people lash out. Do you know she's not lying?  Second, just because your husband is related to someone doesn't mean he's obligated to them. And yes, it is ultimately your husband's decision. You can have an opinion, but he doesn't have to abide it.

I agree with all of this.

EDIT As an adult your husband needs to make a decision. If he doesn't want to be around his father that's fine. I don't think you need to tell his grandmother the reasons. If she is really that frail you could just be 'sick' or 'busy' every time there is a gathering that the father will attend. You could visit her other times.

It seems like very family deals with this differently.  In my family, we sweep everything under the rug and "forget about it," so when we get together, we pretend like everything is fine.  But in DH's family, if there is a disagreement, they never see or talk to that person again.  So he hasn't spoken to his dad in almost 20 years and there are 2 aunts that we don't see anymore because of a disagreement between them and his mom.

So as pp's said, I think it should be DH's decision about contact with his dad, and I would not discuss the reason with his grandmother.   

mabenner1:

Keep in mind, his mother may not be telling the truth. Or may be telling a distorted version of it. In a messy divorce, feelings get hurt, and people lash out. Do you know she's not lying?  Second, just because your husband is related to someone doesn't mean he's obligated to them. And yes, it is ultimately your husband's decision. You can have an opinion, but he doesn't have to abide it.

 Yes to this. There are two sides to every story and then there's the truth.

True that there are 2 sides to every story, but when the paternal side & the maternal side are giving you the same basic character portrait, it's clear that there aren't "sides," there's just "who he is."  (The uncle who told us a lot of stuff, including potential abuse of DH as a child, is DH's dad's own brother.  DH talked to his mom because he wanted to know what her side was, and why they got divorced.  DH's dad has never shared "his side".)

I really wish that DH's grandmother WAS clueless--as DH claims.  If she knows and she stands by her son anyway, that's deplorable.  DH is having a hard time understanding how his uncle (dad's brother) is not cutting him out, too, but the uncle has adult children now (no grandkids) and is frequently out of town, so doesn't deal with the situation as much.

If "gentle honesty" were an option, we'd go for it, but we know how DH's grandmother is and she doesn't just leave things alone if they aren't going her way.  She thinks everyone needs to act "civilized" like "she does" and so she expects everyone to ignore problems and get together because that's how she wants it.  So, I'm not sure that's an option because if DH makes an excuse, she'll just push.  

For now we might just do an excuse to get out of this upcoming event, but the problem remains.  And it keeps coming up.   

jyoung630:

I can't promise this response is totally unbiased.  We had a similar situation in my fathers family.  During that whole thing when the lies were coming out, the abuse was being acknowledged, etc.  my parents decided together to keep in basic contact through letters, cards, etc.  Otherwise, they chose not to have us kids exposed to that toxic environment.  We didn't visit but we would send school pictures etc to let them know how we were getting on.  The big excuse was that they lived so far away and getting there was difficult - especially after Dad broke his leg so badly he couldn't drive at all.  Now that his parents are deceased, he has little to no contact with his remaining family, still by choice.  And it is a healthier environment for all of us as a result. 

You are right, they were his family first - but now, they are yours also.  Personally, I think this is a hard choice but one you need to make together.  There is no reason why you cannot continue to communicate with his grandmother.  If you have to have a reason not to attend family functions I suggest gentle honesty.  Let her know that you are not comfortable with the children being around their grandfather and leave it at that.  I doubt she is a clueless as you make her to seem.  I would bet the farm that she knows. 

Good Luck and God Bless - no matter what choice you make.  Sending T&P your way. 

i agree. you don't have to let grandma know why you don't feel comfortable with your kids being around their grandpa.

If we just make excuses, she'll push as to why we can't be there and then get upset at DH.

If we tell her we aren't comfortable with our kid(s) around DH's father, she'll push for the reason why.  She doesn't just leave it.  As it is, even though DH has said NOTHING about the situation, she gets on his case if DH doesn't "reach out" to include his father in our lives more, and accuses DH of "making his father out to be a monster."  Meanwhile DH hasn't said anything about the situation but only says, when his grandmother gets upset about him not contacting his father more, that his father is equally as capable of contacting him/us, and points out that the last contact/effort was (almost always) made by him (DH), not his father.

So if that were an actual option & she would just accept us seeing her without DH's dad around (which we already do), that would totally be my choice.  But it's not really an option because of how his grandmother behaves. 

Well this is what I would do.

I would tell Grandma  that his realtionship with his father is between them and they will handle it.  Then if she gets upset say "Grandma, I can tell you aren't feeling well right now. I will call back when you are feeling better." Then hang up. 

I understand she will ask why you guys aren't attending a family function and want details, but you have to stay firm and respectfully stand your ground.  Do not provide details about why you aren't attending a family function.  Simply say " We have plans" then keep repeating yourself.  DO NOT GIVE DETAILS.

Look his grandma has obviously learned throughout the years that when she pushes, you guys back down.  That is why she keeps doing it, because it works for her.  As long as you stay emotionless, respectful and short, she should be fine.  I highly doubt she will have a heart attack because you guys have plans on a day of a family function. 

Oh and I also wanted to say that it is ok if Grandma is upset with your guys.   She is allowed to be upset about the situation, but that doesn't mean it is up to your DH to make her feel better.  That is very much on her and at a certain point you just have to accept that grandma will be upset and that is ok.  Trust me,  my DH went through something similar and eventually he was perfectly fine with relatives being upset with him. 

stw_77:

Well this is what I would do.

I would tell Grandma  that his realtionship with his father is between them and they will handle it.  Then if she gets upset say "Grandma, I can tell you aren't feeling well right now. I will call back when you are feeling better." Then hang up. 

I understand she will ask why you guys aren't attending a family function and want details, but you have to stay firm and respectfully stand your ground.  Do not provide details about why you aren't attending a family function.  Simply say " We have plans" then keep repeating yourself.  DO NOT GIVE DETAILS.

Look his grandma has obviously learned throughout the years that when she pushes, you guys back down.  That is why she keeps doing it, because it works for her.  As long as you stay emotionless, respectful and short, she should be fine.  I highly doubt she will have a heart attack because you guys have plans on a day of a family function. 

Oh and I also wanted to say that it is ok if Grandma is upset with your guys.   She is allowed to be upset about the situation, but that doesn't mean it is up to your DH to make her feel better.  That is very much on her and at a certain point you just have to accept that grandma will be upset and that is ok.  Trust me,  my DH went through something similar and eventually he was perfectly fine with relatives being upset with him. 

 

Thanks--I think all this is spot on.  Except the part about DH being okay with his family being upset with him.  But he'll have to decide what he'd rather have: an upset grandmother or being upset himself/having an upset wife too. 

I know.  My husband didn't like having his family be upset with him at first either.  But you know what,  he got used to it and now it doesn't bother him.  He just told himself that he was doing what was best for his family and that was all that matters.  Oh and trust me,  they were they were very upset, I am talking his mom was sobbing. 

stw_77:

I know.  My husband didn't like having his family be upset with him at first either.  But you know what,  he got used to it and now it doesn't bother him.  He just told himself that he was doing what was best for his family and that was all that matters.  Oh and trust me,  they were they were very upset, I am talking his mom was sobbing. 

That's awful.   I doubt anyone would sob in DH's family if he said we weren't going to come to get togethers which include his dad.  It's more of DH not wanting to do anything to piss off grandma.

Yeah, I think at that point DH realized they were being ridiculous.  Again, he didn't like that they were upset with him, but it seemed after that time something clicked in his head and he realized that having a mom / dad / sister / grandparents upset with you isn't a big deal.  They all get over it eventually.  Ironic, since they didn't give a rat's patootie about upsetting him. 

I don't remember exactly why she was sobbing though.  I think it was because she thought we weren't spending enough time with her. 

I'll tell you what though, once his mom realized that he wasn't as easily manipulated by tears anymore, she started being much more respectful to him.

I agree with previous posts totally, and encourage you not to put TOO much value into what is essentially hearsay. That said, I would bail on this event with whatever excuse works, and then find a time when you can calmly say that there's a lot of outstanding issues with your husband's dad, and after a lot of careful thought you've decided that it's your choice not to pursue a relationship. Beyond that it's not up for discussion. You're informing her, not asking her permission. At 92 she's lived a lot of life and seen a lot of drama -- I bet she's not as frail or naive as you think. Don't let her manipulate you with emotions or try to strong arm you. 

I must warn you my response will fair on the bias side because I have a grandmother similar to this so you can take my advice with a grain of salt.

That being said, I agree with the other ladies that she may not be as naive as she leads on and if she is maybe it's time for your DH to shed a little light.

I had a similar situation when I was having issues with my father.

My grandmother would meddle and try to guilt me into talking to him or try to get me to see his side. I would politely tell her that it was between him and I and when it's time for us to sort it out we will deal with it accordingly.

*Note my grandmother had heart issues, kidney issue, gallbladder removed, ulcers and is always in pain and on numerous medications*

This was never enough for her and she would always push and one day she pushed me too far. I told her that I loved her dearly but she needed to back off because this issue wasn't hers to fix. She told me that I was being unreasonable and then I unleashed (no yelling, I actually didn't even raise my voice I spoke very mater of fact) I told her all of my reasons for being upset. The things that were said to me, that were said about me, that hurt me, frustrated me and ultimately pissed me off about the situation.

The entire time she too would try to interject, I wouldn't let her and I kept speaking. At the end of my rant I told her "and this is why I won't be attending any events or speaking to him anytime soon. It is my decision and mine alone. If it bothers you that's something you will have to come to terms with. I'm allowed to feel the way I feel and deal with it how I wish to deal with it."

Well that was that. She was speechless. I mean no sound on the phone, couldn't hear a darn thing speechless. My grandmother has always had a response to everything and I had rendered her speechless.

Finally when it either all soaked in or she realized I stopped speaking she said that she's sorry I feel that way and that she had no idea I was dealing with all that. Whether this is true or she was just flabbergasted is beyond me and truthfully I don't care but I informed her and left it at that.

She has tried to get involved and push me everyone in awhile to test my boundaries and I just tell her that I love her but this doesn't concern her and doesn't affect our relationship.

With all of her health concerns that didn't kill her so I'm sure if your DH just speaks up and is honest with her she will either understand, leave it alone or continue to pretend it's not real. Either way your DH has to stay true to himself and his family. He's going to end up upsetting someone but you have to remember you can't please everyone.

katester42:

I must warn you my response will fair on the bias side because I have a grandmother similar to this so you can take my advice with a grain of salt.

That being said, I agree with the other ladies that she may not be as naive as she leads on and if she is maybe it's time for your DH to shed a little light.

I had a similar situation when I was having issues with my father.

My grandmother would meddle and try to guilt me into talking to him or try to get me to see his side. I would politely tell her that it was between him and I and when it's time for us to sort it out we will deal with it accordingly.

*Note my grandmother had heart issues, kidney issue, gallbladder removed, ulcers and is always in pain and on numerous medications*

This was never enough for her and she would always push and one day she pushed me too far. I told her that I loved her dearly but she needed to back off because this issue wasn't hers to fix. She told me that I was being unreasonable and then I unleashed (no yelling, I actually didn't even raise my voice I spoke very mater of fact) I told her all of my reasons for being upset. The things that were said to me, that were said about me, that hurt me, frustrated me and ultimately pissed me off about the situation.

The entire time she too would try to interject, I wouldn't let her and I kept speaking. At the end of my rant I told her "and this is why I won't be attending any events or speaking to him anytime soon. It is my decision and mine alone. If it bothers you that's something you will have to come to terms with. I'm allowed to feel the way I feel and deal with it how I wish to deal with it."

Well that was that. She was speechless. I mean no sound on the phone, couldn't hear a darn thing speechless. My grandmother has always had a response to everything and I had rendered her speechless.

Finally when it either all soaked in or she realized I stopped speaking she said that she's sorry I feel that way and that she had no idea I was dealing with all that. Whether this is true or she was just flabbergasted is beyond me and truthfully I don't care but I informed her and left it at that.

She has tried to get involved and push me everyone in awhile to test my boundaries and I just tell her that I love her but this doesn't concern her and doesn't affect our relationship.

With all of her health concerns that didn't kill her so I'm sure if your DH just speaks up and is honest with her she will either understand, leave it alone or continue to pretend it's not real. Either way your DH has to stay true to himself and his family. He's going to end up upsetting someone but you have to remember you can't please everyone.

Thanks so much for sharing that.  Honestly, if it were my grandmother it wouldn't be an issue because I'd let her know exactly what was going on.  The complicating factor in all this is that it's DH's side, so it's HIS call, not mine, in what to do.  I wanted input from you ladies to see how you would handle it, too.

UPDATE is that I told DH's aunt we wouldn't be coming to the upcoming get-together (no excuse, just can't make it), but that's all that's been done.  I'm guessing DH will continue to put it off and not deal with it until Christmas is upon us and we're being pressured to get together again. 

I see that you're somewhat up-set with your DH more than anything else that he doesn't step-up by standing-up for himself --- I suggest you just quit worrying about him since he's not MAN enough to put a stop to this himself ... Now let him read this entire posting/thread - completely so he might get the BACKBONE necessary to put this situation to rest --- bed! PERIOD. No matter who's getting hurt in the picture!

ETA: He'll feel much better about himself if he takes the bull by the horns and sets the record straight by cutting the cord between him and grandma. She should get the picture and back-off if she truly love him ... Just try it!