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11-28-2012 at 4:33 PM
Jessica&Le...
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Pregnant Bride?

Trying to decide if we should get married before baby comes...

I was raised that first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby lol

I am worried my father will upset me with his reaction that we are expecting because we are not married..

We have been engaged for two years.. haven't got married yet because we wanted something nice and we dont have the means to pay for it all yet.. MY parents are toooooo cheap, but probably for a good reason, they dont have any debt haha...

What are your opinions? We have the place picked out... It is a restored barn, PERFECT for our rustic theme with mason jars etc.. Failry, somewhat cheap... $700

Do something small with a dinner and no dj or alchohol?

Do something simple with potluck dinner and byob haha? 

Go to the beach just me and him and get married and stay?  (not to sound greedy but no gifts this way haha)

:( I don't know, me and fiance are torn on what to do.

YES i know it' not about the wedding. It's about the marriage, we just want it to be fun and our friends and family to have a good time..


 
11-28-2012 at 4:36 PM
purplepean...
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what does your FI think?

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11-28-2012 at 4:37 PM
kt012885
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That's a tough one.  A lot of ppl I know just wait and get married- but I def see where you are coming from.  What if you and your fiance got married and then had a reception after the baby is born?  I think either decision is good as long as you and your fiance agree!  Congrats btw!

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11-28-2012 at 4:38 PM
Jessica&Le...
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Sorry do you mean Fiance? ha, havent learned all the abbreviations yet

Fiance and I BOTH want to be married, but BOTH want our friends and families to enjoy themselves as well...


 
11-28-2012 at 4:39 PM
Jessica&Le...
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Thank you :)

He's very accepting and doesn't "care" usually :) He just wants everyone to enjoy themselves and wants me to have what I want, but I want him to have what he wants TOO haha


 
11-28-2012 at 4:40 PM
MelissaRae...
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Please don't do the potluck wedding. That's incredibly tacky. 

My SO and I aren't getting married for a few years because we can't afford the kind of wedding we want. If it's that important to you just get married at the court house and celebrate later when you can. My cousin did this and it turned out really nice.  



Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. -Jeremiah 1:5
 
11-28-2012 at 4:41 PM
purplepean...
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Jessica&Levin:

Sorry do you mean Fiance? ha, havent learned all the abbreviations yet

Fiance and I BOTH want to be married, but BOTH want our friends and families to enjoy themselves as well...

for future here are all the abbreviations:  

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/nest_baby_editors/pages/the-bump-community-glossary.aspx

 IMO, If you want to get married before than do it! You dont need 100 people. Bring close friends and family you can get married on the beach and then go to a restaurant or  an inexpensive caterer. you dont need 1000 people there. or invite them only to ceremony and do dinner just close fam/friends.


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11-28-2012 at 4:43 PM
StarshineR
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There's nothing wrong with small if that's what you want. Oh, and traditionally, it was the parents of the bride and groom that paid for the wedding. lol. But don't tell your parents that. You could probably meander on over to "the Knot" and see what anyone over there says about your situation. The Knot is a great wedding resource, and they have some good budgeting ideas. 

Also, you don't need to spend tens of thousands (or even thousands!) of dollars on a wedding. Your wedding is about what *you* want and what would be nice *for you*. Only a boorish person would complain because *they* aren't having fun.  

 
11-28-2012 at 4:43 PM
Jessica&Le...
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MelissaRae1525:

Please don't do the potluck wedding. That's incredibly tacky. 

My SO and I aren't getting married for a few years because we can't afford the kind of wedding we want. If it's that important to you just get married at the court house and celebrate later when you can. My cousin did this and it turned out really nice.  

 

Okay no potluck :) I thought the same just wanted to see everyone else's feelings.. We both don't want to do the courthouse though, also dont know what to say when the firends/family continue to say "when are you getting married" and a year later are we going to want to pay for a reception when we already have been married for a year... hmmmmm idk this is frustrating! :)

Thanks for your advice :)


 
11-28-2012 at 4:45 PM
Jessica&Le...
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StarshineR:

There's nothing wrong with small if that's what you want. Oh, and traditionally, it was the parents of the bride and groom that paid for the wedding. lol. But don't tell your parents that. You could probably meander on over to "the Knot" and see what anyone over there says about your situation. The Knot is a great wedding resource, and they have some good budgeting ideas. 

Also, you don't need to spend tens of thousands (or even thousands!) of dollars on a wedding. Your wedding is about what *you* want and what would be nice *for you*. Only a boorish person would complain because *they* aren't having fun.  

 

LOL love this advice thanks!


 
11-28-2012 at 4:49 PM
StarshineR
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About the "have the reception later" idea. Notwithstanding what one of the pp said, *everyone* I know who have married at the courthouse to "get married again later" or "have a reception later" didn't. If you do this, you have to ask yourself seriously and realistically whether you'll follow through.

If you're pregnant and preparing for baby stuff, it could be a bit overwhelming and expensive planning a big reception party as well, esp. when baby showers, doctor's appointments, nursery shopping (with *those* expenses) come into play, not to mention regular work/school stress. Think about it realistically and sensibly. Only you know what you can do and work with. 

 

 
11-28-2012 at 4:54 PM
Jessica&Le...
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StarshineR:

About the "have the reception later" idea. Notwithstanding what one of the pp said, *everyone* I know who have married at the courthouse to "get married again later" or "have a reception later" didn't. If you do this, you have to ask yourself seriously and realistically whether you'll follow through.

If you're pregnant and preparing for baby stuff, it could be a bit overwhelming and expensive planning a big reception party as well, esp. when baby showers, doctor's appointments, nursery shopping (with *those* expenses) come into play, not to mention regular work/school stress. Think about it realistically and sensibly. Only you know what you can do and work with. 

 

 

Your soo right....


 
11-28-2012 at 5:02 PM
MelissaRae...
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Jessica&Levin:
MelissaRae1525:

Please don't do the potluck wedding. That's incredibly tacky. 

My SO and I aren't getting married for a few years because we can't afford the kind of wedding we want. If it's that important to you just get married at the court house and celebrate later when you can. My cousin did this and it turned out really nice.  

 

Okay no potluck :) I thought the same just wanted to see everyone else's feelings.. We both don't want to do the courthouse though, also dont know what to say when the firends/family continue to say "when are you getting married" and a year later are we going to want to pay for a reception when we already have been married for a year... hmmmmm idk this is frustrating! :)

Thanks for your advice :)

It is very annoying to get asked that all the time. SO and I weren't together long before I got pregnant so everyone asks when/if we're going to get married. Recently I just started saying we will get married before the child is old enough to know that mommy and daddy aren't married. I have a thick skin though so it might bother you more. If it really is important to you to be married I would do a super DIY, crafty, budget wedding (there are lots of ideas online) and I'm sure you'd still have a great time. 



Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. -Jeremiah 1:5
 
11-28-2012 at 5:11 PM
Jessica&Le...
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MelissaRae1525:
Jessica&Levin:
MelissaRae1525:

Please don't do the potluck wedding. That's incredibly tacky. 

My SO and I aren't getting married for a few years because we can't afford the kind of wedding we want. If it's that important to you just get married at the court house and celebrate later when you can. My cousin did this and it turned out really nice.  

 

Okay no potluck :) I thought the same just wanted to see everyone else's feelings.. We both don't want to do the courthouse though, also dont know what to say when the firends/family continue to say "when are you getting married" and a year later are we going to want to pay for a reception when we already have been married for a year... hmmmmm idk this is frustrating! :)

Thanks for your advice :)

It is very annoying to get asked that all the time. SO and I weren't together long before I got pregnant so everyone asks when/if we're going to get married. Recently I just started saying we will get married before the child is old enough to know that mommy and daddy aren't married. I have a thick skin though so it might bother you more. If it really is important to you to be married I would do a super DIY, crafty, budget wedding (there are lots of ideas online) and I'm sure you'd still have a great time. 

 

I'm beginning to grow that thick skin :) Thank you


 
11-28-2012 at 5:15 PM
michelleon...
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Definitely don't have potluck & byob!  If you or fiance are good in the kitchen you could probably make some of your own food and/or get help from a few close friends and/or parents.  I think an inexpensive ceremony is very doable.  DH and I got married at the courthouse and I wish we had been able to do a small ceremony.

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11-28-2012 at 5:17 PM
oh_maria
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Get married. Those who care about you will celebrate regardless on your marriage, not your location, favors, or DJ. Remember, $40,000 may buy a nice cake and favors, but it won't buy a good marriage. 

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11-28-2012 at 5:21 PM
mystererae
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We had a relatively modest ceremony - about 40 people at an upscale Palm Springs hotel on a Sunday afternoon with a band, catered food etc. - and honestly, although it was a good time, I actually think if money's such an issue that holding a potluck/byob event is even a thought in your mind, you should just go to the courthouse and host a vow renewal later. 

We spent about 10k, far below the average, and honestly I think in hindsight it would've been much better to do the courthouse and go to a nice restaurant with family afterward (even if there were 10 of us at one of the nicest spots in town, this would've cost a fraction of what the wedding did), and go on a very nice honeymoon.

This is definitely your decision btw, I'm just chiming in as someone who wanted a nice wedding, threw a nice wedding, and actually thinks the money could've been used better elsewhere. I feel like I'm not the only person who feels this way, but that women especially have trouble admitting it. 


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11-28-2012 at 5:25 PM
PrimRoseMa...
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I would have a simple, small JP wedding with cake & punch at my house afterward. It can be just as meaningful that way. You need money for other things right now. 

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11-28-2012 at 5:27 PM
reason00
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Go have your wedding! Enjoy and be merry.

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11-28-2012 at 5:29 PM
mystererae
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PrimRoseMama:
I would have a simple, small JP wedding with cake & punch at my house afterward. It can be just as meaningful that way. You need money for other things right now. 

Same. If your house can't accommodate this, I'm sure you could find a reasonably priced restaurant that'll make it nice for you, or someone willing to host. 


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11-28-2012 at 5:41 PM
Jessica&Le...
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Let me clarify:

The potluck byob comment sounds VERY redneck haha

What I meant was close family make large amount of one item to help with food..

and supply wine but thats it.. maybe on reception say dinner and wine provided so they dont expect 5 kegs etc..

Idk....I just want to be married and have a healthy little baby but dont want to regret our wedding...


 
11-28-2012 at 5:58 PM
mystererae
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Jessica&Levin:

Let me clarify:

The potluck byob comment sounds VERY redneck haha

What I meant was close family make large amount of one item to help with food..

and supply wine but thats it.. maybe on reception say dinner and wine provided so they dont expect 5 kegs etc..

Idk....I just want to be married and have a healthy little baby but dont want to regret our wedding...

Believe me - when you're married, the wedding will be the furthest thing from your mind. That's why those who do courthouse ceremonies rarely follow up with a lavish party. Especially if you have a baby and money's tight, there are so many other things that matter more.

I know for me personally, I'd much rather attend a vow renewal ceremony of a couple who's stuck it out! 


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11-28-2012 at 6:01 PM
Jessica&Le...
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mystererae:
Jessica&Levin:

Let me clarify:

The potluck byob comment sounds VERY redneck haha

What I meant was close family make large amount of one item to help with food..

and supply wine but thats it.. maybe on reception say dinner and wine provided so they dont expect 5 kegs etc..

Idk....I just want to be married and have a healthy little baby but dont want to regret our wedding...

Believe me - when you're married, the wedding will be the furthest thing from your mind. That's why those who do courthouse ceremonies rarely follow up with a lavish party. Especially if you have a baby and money's tight, there are so many other things that matter more.

I know for me personally, I'd much rather attend a vow renewal ceremony of a couple who's stuck it out! 

 

 

Youve got a good point, a vow renewal ceremony is a good idea! I'll mention that.. instead of get married and keep on down low then have big wedding

 


 
11-28-2012 at 6:05 PM
JaimeCH
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We waited to get married until after DD was born (almost 2 years after she was born). I'm so glad we waited because for us we wanted to focus on the baby, and have the marriage be on our timing. Anyhow, we had an elopish ceremony and a very nice dinner at a resort with 18 of our friends. It was PERFECT. I think I would have regretted getting married earlier or having a big wedding.

If those options are ones you can live with and afford, I don't see why not just do it. If you think that you will feel that you missed out on something by rushing it, hold off.


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11-28-2012 at 6:07 PM
PrimRoseMa...
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Jessica&Levin:
mystererae:
Jessica&Levin:

Let me clarify:

The potluck byob comment sounds VERY redneck haha

What I meant was close family make large amount of one item to help with food..

and supply wine but thats it.. maybe on reception say dinner and wine provided so they dont expect 5 kegs etc..

Idk....I just want to be married and have a healthy little baby but dont want to regret our wedding...

Believe me - when you're married, the wedding will be the furthest thing from your mind. That's why those who do courthouse ceremonies rarely follow up with a lavish party. Especially if you have a baby and money's tight, there are so many other things that matter more.

I know for me personally, I'd much rather attend a vow renewal ceremony of a couple who's stuck it out! 

 

 

Youve got a good point, a vow renewal ceremony is a good idea! I'll mention that.. instead of get married and keep on down low then have big wedding

 

Yeah, you get married first. Simple JP wedding can be very nice and you won't regret it. You can have cake and punch at a park afterward. I promise. Then the vow renewal (renew, meaning you renew not do it the first time lol) like 5 or 10 years later.

You've got bigger fish to fry than worrying about a DJ at your wedding or BYOB booze. If you want to have booze or music at a backyard party then get coolers full of beer, a couple bottles of champagne and celebrate. If you want to provide food you can do BBQ or pasta for cheap and cheerful. Get an Ipod out and jam out. All of this can be done for less than 500 dollars total.  


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11-28-2012 at 7:18 PM
somerandom...
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If you want to consider getting married without the traditional thousand dollar dress and 8 bridesmaids and such, SERIOUSLY check out Offbeat Bride. There's a blog a very active community. A community that allows no drama, unlike The Bump The Knot! This company also has a blog named Offbeat Mama but there's no community for that because the head has never seen a pregnancy/parenting forum that is not a giant bitchfest and doesn't think it's possible to have.

That community has TONS of help on going cheap, what you can do yourself, what you can skip if you feel like it. And tons of people on there have nontraditional situations, there are pregnant brides or the couple has been together 10 years and already has kids together out of wedlock, etc. So if you want to plan a smaller simpler wedding, don't wade into the snake pit of The Knot, go to offbeat bride instead.

Anyways: if your dad is a jerk about you not being married yet, tell him to stuff it! You're obviously in a committed relationship where your baby daddy isn't going to run out on you, which is probably any parents worst fear about an unmarried daughter by KU'd. And, it is what it is so if he lectures you and freaks out its not going to make you unpregnant, so he might as well STFU.
 
11-28-2012 at 7:31 PM
snegde
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I think you said what was really important to you... that your family and friends have a good time. You can do a simple wedding and make that happen. I had friends get married at a park. Paid a minister $50 to marry them by the lake. The family made the food, the couple bought the alcohol, decorations, and a cake. My friends actually gave the main course as the wedding present and bbq'd for them. Technology can save on a DJ. A friend can take pictures. Cheap invitations. Skip the favors, and limit the flowers. Keep the menu simple and hire a nontypical wedding caterer to make the food. I actually think good alcohol is important at least in my family depending where you live you can get good rebates or case discounts. When it comes to the guest list you should only invite people who if you went out for dinner you would gladly pay for their meal. 

Don't rush it to make your family happy, do it because it's what you want to do. Good luck. The wedding is fun but marriage really is the best part.  

 




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11-28-2012 at 7:37 PM
mslmk11
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I shared the sentiments with someone else who suggested just doing a small ceremony on the beach with close family and friends, and then maybe going to a nice restaurant afterwards. I'm not sure where you live, but if you live anywhere near Myrtle Beach, SC I can give you a great restaurant idea that my husband visited on our honeymoon. 

But as everyone has said, it doesn't have to be big, doesn't have to be fancy. It should be what YOU want. If you like the rustic barn and you're willing (or can convince either parents to help with the cost) then by all means do it. If you want to be married before the baby arrives, then you should. Once baby is here, and money starts going towards baby, it may be difficult to find money (and time) to dedicate to a ceremony/honeymoon ish time. 


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11-28-2012 at 7:46 PM
bkurtz0404
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My honest advice...wait until after baby is born. I was in a similar situation as you with my first LO. My husband and I had been engaged for about a year and a half when I got pregnant. We decided to push the wedding back to about 3 months after my due date and it worked out great!

The wedding is about you and your fiance and it is most important that the two of you have an amazing time. Being pregnant at your own wedding means...you cant drink (not sure if you do or not but I think its a valid point), you may be sick the day of(and I mean REALLY sick), you most likely will not be able to dance the night away you could be ready for bed and hour after the ceremony, and who knows what else! Every pregnancy is different so you could feel totally fine, but you could also feel like crap. 

I had a blast at my wedding and I know for a fact that if I would have been pregnant I would not have felt as good as I did on my wedding day.

 

I hope you come to a decision that works the best for you :-) 


 
11-28-2012 at 7:58 PM
PSU Export
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snegde:
I think you said what was really important to you... that your family and friends have a good time. You can do a simple wedding and make that happen. I had friends get married at a park. Paid a minister 50 to marry them by the lake. The family made the food, the couple bought the alcohol, decorations, and a cake. My friends actually gave the main course as the wedding present and bbq'd for them. Technology can save on a DJ. A friend can take pictures. Cheap invitations. Skip the favors, and limit the flowers. Keep the menu simple and hire a nontypical wedding caterer to make the food. I actually think good alcohol is important at least in my family depending where you live you can get good rebates or case discounts. When it comes to the guest list you should only invite people who if you went out for dinner you would gladly pay for their meal.nbsp;Don't rush it to make your family happy, do it because it's what you want to do. Good luck. The wedding is fun but marriage really is the best part. nbsp;nbsp;


I agree with this. I you want to get married now keep it in and simple. Could you ask his parents and your parents to each cover one thing, such as photographer or drinks? Also agree with previous poster who said younger not have the money after baby is born. Then you have diapers, childcare, etc.

Good luck making your decision. I'm sure whatever you decide will turn out great.

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