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11-29-2012 at 1:36 PM
gschurms51...
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Baby's father in delivery room? Help please!

So, I'll start with a long story short, my baby's father and I were together for five years and things have been rocky for about a year now. We started going to couples therapy and ended up breaking up there.. So fast forward only a month and were friends, we get along better than we were and even laugh again! 

 Our therapist wants to talk at our next session about the details of the labor and what our plan is. It was really an unspoken agreement that he will definitely be in the room. No problem with that. What I'm wondering about is (FTM) what is yalls SO role in the delivery room? I don't want either of us to have expectations that are not met, so I'm all about talking openly about it. However I'm just not quite sure what I should expect from someone who I'm not intimate on romantic level with, but who is my baby's father. My sister will also be in the room, we are very close and she has two kids so I was thinking maybe she will be the main support.

I know it comes down to my feelings about this, but was just wondering what you all would do in this situation? TIA  


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11-29-2012 at 1:42 PM
sbevmc09
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Hmm... this is kind of hard for me to answer.  MH is going to be very involved in the process because we're using Hypnobabies and he took the classes with me to know how to support me.  Last time we went the typical route though and he was still really hands on and supportive.  I don't think I would expect that from him if we weren't in a relationship.  I think if I were you I would probably plan to rely more on my sister to do things like help me stay comfortable, make sure I'm drinking fluids, etc. than the baby's father.  But again, it's hard for me to comment because I don't know the specifics of your relationship.  I think it's great that you're going to be talking all of this out beforehand though so you know what to expect.  GL!

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11-29-2012 at 1:44 PM
Jimsgirl58...
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Sorry you guys broke up :( really DH was there to have company, feed me ice chips, hold my hand when I was in pain.....if you guys are able to be friends now, I am sure he can still be a help and comfort to you in the delivery room and will help you bond as parents. He doesn't need to have a front and center view if you don't want him to :) DH is pretty queasy and we had a "waist up" rule. Good luck!
 
11-29-2012 at 1:45 PM
hocus
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My sister and husband were in the room and I love that.

The big things my husband did were: driving me to the hospital, filling out paperwork, he'd bring ice chips for me and he held my leg during pushing. He was with the baby when I was being cleaned up after birth. He also ran general errands and call everyone afterwards.

There is a certain amount of doing nothing that happens, particularly if you have an epidural so keep that in mind. It can be very boring in someways, so I encourage him to bring simple things to do like a crossword during the periods you want to rest. I did not want to talk much. Before my epi was in too much pain and afterwords I just felt sleepy since i'd be up for 30 or so hours. I would also advise him to wear black or brown and old shoes since things can get messy. A clean set of clothing is also helpful.


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11-29-2012 at 2:24 PM
this decaf...
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I want my husband to stand by my head and make sure music is playing. I don't want him looking at her coming out because I honestly don't find it "magical" it's cool scientifically IMO but I think him seeing that will forever make me uncomfortable with intimacy. I already warned him that if he says anything I consider stupid "breathe," "push," or "you're doing great" I'll bite his head off. He's not in my body and he can't pretend to know what I should be doing so I just want him there being as calm as possible.

I think it's just important for him to be there and for you to make his role clear from the beginning.

11-29-2012 at 2:46 PM
Talkativ15
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If your sister is your main support and you dont mind him being there as a friend stance but also father stance for your LO I see that as an awesome thing.  I would make it clear to him that you dont need him there to support you but rather so that he can experience the birth of his daughter.  Make sure your sister is on board with this too so when you are looking to reach out for support she knows to be there.  The role can always change in the room once everything starts but try and set expectations clear before hand.  Maybe see what he is expecting for his role.  I know he will most likely appreciate just being in there to be one of the first to get a view of his baby girl. 

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11-29-2012 at 3:10 PM
LaurelBee
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I think you guys are handling a tough situation very well, good for you mama! Like pp said, I would make sure my sister was on board for being the main support. (Rides to the hospital, emotional support, helping where needed, etc). And I would tell Ex that at this time, you feel he will be welcome in the room as an on-looker and not a supporting role. It may change- maybe he will surprise you, you surprise yourself! Or maybe his presence is more of a hinderance and you'll want him to leave. There is no right answer, only that you can prepare for every option beforehand so he knows his role and what he can expect. GL mama

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11-29-2012 at 3:31 PM
MexiCali
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It can be a lot or a little depending on the situation. Even if you have a plan that can all go out the window the day of labor. You may be okay with him and the sight of him may want you to puke. These are all different stories from women who married their baby's father.

For me H was my support. He did things I needed done, updated everyone, held my hand through contractions and helped me to focus. During the actual pushing part he was my coach, held my leg and finally cut the cord. With this baby he may be more involved since we are doing a water birth. Still all up in the air.


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11-29-2012 at 3:33 PM
sschwege
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Well done for handling this with so much maturity, this is one lucky baby!

Just something to consider, depending on expectations and your feelings going into this, you might just ask him to come in for the pushing phase.  If your sister is your main support she could stay with you the whole time and baby's father could be called in for the 'fun part'.  

One other thing, have you thought about who will cut the cord?  What about after delivery, does he go home? 


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11-29-2012 at 3:34 PM
sschwege
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You might want to find out about hospital's policy regarding c/s.  If this became necessary, could both they both come?

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11-29-2012 at 4:32 PM
gschurms51...
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sschwege:

Well done for handling this with so much maturity, this is one lucky baby!

Just something to consider, depending on expectations and your feelings going into this, you might just ask him to come in for the pushing phase.  If your sister is your main support she could stay with you the whole time and baby's father could be called in for the 'fun part'.  

One other thing, have you thought about who will cut the cord?  What about after delivery, does he go home? 

Thank you for the encouraging words on maturity :) Some days I'm tempted to just say screw off and be done with him but we want whats right for our daughter. We plan on him cutting the umbilical cord and he said he will be staying with me in the hospital, depending on this new job he just got. I'm still up in the air about what to do, I want him to be there to support me but not sure where that boundary should end. I'll ask what he's expecting and probably take it from there, but you all helped me a lot! Thank you! Knowing that even some husbands aren't THAT involved in the process makes it a lot easier for me to accept that he might not want to be involved or that  I might not want him to be either... 


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11-29-2012 at 6:17 PM
sabrina69b...
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My I had my first child I was on rocky terms with his father. We were still together but our relationship was pretty much over. I don't regret having him with me but there are some things you should consider.

 How comfortable are you with your ex? I was comfortable with DS's father being there for all of the gross and sometimes embarassing parts of labor. If I hadn't been comfortable with this I wouldn't have wanted him there.

How close are the two of you? Can you barely stand each other or are you able to be good friends? If you get scared or nervous with things like getting an epi or are in a lot of pain will him being there be comforting or will he just be there in your way?

Why does he want to be there for the birth? Does he just want to see he child being born or does he want to support you as well? If it's the first option maybe you should just have your sister with you during the labor and he can come in for just the delivery.

What will you do if you have an unexpected c-section and can only have one person come with you? If you get scared, nervous, or feel sick during the surgery will he be someone you want by your head to help you through it or would you rather have your sister?


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11-29-2012 at 7:25 PM
gschurms51...
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sabrina69barnes:

My I had my first child I was on rocky terms with his father. We were still together but our relationship was pretty much over. I don't regret having him with me but there are some things you should consider.

 How comfortable are you with your ex? I was comfortable with DS's father being there for all of the gross and sometimes embarassing parts of labor. If I hadn't been comfortable with this I wouldn't have wanted him there.

How close are the two of you? Can you barely stand each other or are you able to be good friends? If you get scared or nervous with things like getting an epi or are in a lot of pain will him being there be comforting or will he just be there in your way?

Why does he want to be there for the birth? Does he just want to see he child being born or does he want to support you as well? If it's the first option maybe you should just have your sister with you during the labor and he can come in for just the delivery.

What will you do if you have an unexpected c-section and can only have one person come with you? If you get scared, nervous, or feel sick during the surgery will he be someone you want by your head to help you through it or would you rather have your sister?

Those are great questions! Were close and he is still a comfort to me, but if he doesn't want to be a comfort I think it will just make me sad to have him there. I'm going to write down your questions and bring them in with me to the therapist appointment next week because they are all great points. Thank you!!  


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11-29-2012 at 9:19 PM
TamaraR4
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I am kind of in the same boat.  DD#1 bio-dad evaporated into thin air about two weeks after I found out I was pregnant, so when she was born it was just my mom in the room. 

My DH has since adopted DD#1, and we are now expecting Baby#2.  He will be there with me, but any time I try to talk about what (if anything) he wants to do in the delivery room, he just shrugs and changes the subject.  The most I've gotten out of him is "I'll do whatever you need me to do."

Great honey, appreciate the support, but freaking answer the darn question! Grr, right? I've asked if he wants to cut the cord, help catch the baby, or just stand there and hold my freaking hand, and he still won't answer.  Sad  Part of me wonders if he is really freaking out about the delivery as this is his first biological child. 


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11-30-2012 at 9:02 AM
areadinger
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We learned in our birthing class that only direct supporters should be in the room. I made it very clear to my fiance that if he plans to just sit in the corner of the room and hold my hand, he has another thing coming! In our classes, we are actually learning different massages and techniques that he can do to relax me and make it as stress free of an environment as possible. He already accepts that he'll pretty much be a slave to my wants and needs during labor and delivery and he's not arguing that at all.

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12-01-2012 at 10:40 PM
sifrose
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One of my closest girlfriends had a similar situation when her and her SO broke up before baby arrived. She ended up having a C-section and the father not only drove her to the hospital but also stayed with her through the whole thing and even helped her take care of LO while she recovered. She said it was amazing having him there while she was scared and even better to see him with his baby. The whole experience brought them closer (as parents and friends). They're not together and have no plans to be, but she really seemed to enjoy knowing she could count on him. Good luck with your situation! I'm sure you'll make the right decision. 

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12-02-2012 at 8:58 AM
MelleTX
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My sister was in a similar situation with her ex. They had broken up right after she got pregnant but before she knew. They remained friendly though. Her ex was at the hospital with us during labor, but really stayed in the background.

My sister didn't really need a lot of support during labor. Her water broke, she went to the hospital, they gave her an epidural and she slept until it was time to push. The rest of us kind of just hung out there. When it came time to push, she decided she wanted medical personnel only, no family in the room. We all knew this ahead of time but also knew that she reserved the option to change her mind depending on how she felt at the time. 

We left the room for about an hour while she delivered and they let her hold him and clean him up. She wanted her ex to be able to hold him first so he came back in the room first and then the rest of us about 10 minutes later. He visited her at the hospital every day, but mom stayed with her at night and provided primary support after going home.

She gave her ex unlimited access to the baby in her house for the first two years and he usually stopped by after work for about an hour 3-4 times per week. Now they are slowly working towards Ex taking the baby for the day and overnight visits.

I am surprised at how well they have worked together and gotten along. It's all been pretty drama free.  He pays her child support - max allowable in Texas - without a court order so I am pretty proud of them. 

Sometimes relationships end and people are still able to be good co-parents. Congratulations to you and your ex for making that decision as well. Your child can only benefit.  


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