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12-01-2012 at 12:36 AM
hatchsar
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Starting to hate my husband

I knew when I had my son I would be the main person taking care of him since I took 6 months off from work but we both agreed that when he got home from work he would look after him for at least an hr so I can have me time. That never happened.
He gets home from work around 330 my son would be finishing eating and as soon as he enters the apt he takes a shower. Fine what ever. He then will sit in the couch and play on his computer and ask me when I'm going to start dinner. I ask him to watch our son so I can walk our dog and he makes a big deal about putting our son on bouncy chair and while still on his computer use his foot to bounce the chair.
While I'm fixing dinner and finishing the laundry he is on the couch either watching tv or on his computer. If our son cry I have to make my husband pay attention to our son.
Tonight he tells me he and some friends from work are going out to look at motorcycles and then going drinking. He doesn't understand why I'm mad.
If I ask him to watch our baby he gets mad saying I work all day everyday not on the weekends I want to unwind.
I can't wait till I go back to work and I don't get home till 6
 
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12-01-2012 at 3:48 AM
lexmtown
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My DH was the exact same way. I had a long chat with him about how I felt and he has been a little better, he at least doesn't huff and puff when I ask him to do something anymore. For us the older and more interactive our LO gets the more he pays attention to him.

As far as for gong drinking with his buddies I would not be happy with that for sure...a drink or two is ok, but I think it's unacceptable to come home drunk when you have a newborn to take care of. Ask him how he would feel if you left LO with him for a night to go get drunk with the ladies. You can't even take care of LO all night because of it, and that definitely shows he doesn't feel responsible for taking care of LO.

Things should get better. I would recommend talking it out, he won't know how you feel until you tell him. DH and I have our issues but we are definitely better than we were before. Stay strong!
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12-01-2012 at 5:39 AM
garnet10
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I'll just preface this by saying I have a 3 year old and a 2 month old. I am a FT SAHM and my husband is a police officer so when he comes home he is very tired and stressed out. I think you are making too big a deal out of this. I know how desperately you want a shower and a little me time when he comes home, but complaining about how he interacts with the baby and him taking a single boys night is going to do more harm than good. Most guys develop a much deeper bond as the baby grows more interactive. DH loves the toddler stage but is not as into the newborn period. As far the night out, be happy for him that he's maintaining his friendships as opposed to resentful, and he's more likely to want to do the same for you. Enjoy your time with LO, when you start coming home at 6 you'll generally have just a hour or so with your baby before bed time.
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12-01-2012 at 6:17 AM
JandKHall
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When I first started reading your post I thought I was reading my life right now. Just the first paragraph I'd kick his ass if he went out drinking. Though I agree with PP that one maybe two is ok.
I feel like such a btch when I have to constantly ask my H to help with our baby. Heaven forbid they take some initiative when a baby starts crying. Last night I'm making dinner and doing laundry so when I come upstairs to fold my H says "I think he pooped". I stare at him and say "Ok why don't you check and change him." His response had me seeing red, and he's lucky he was holding our son or else he would've had to duck and weave through the objects being thrown at his sheer stupidity. I mean how hard is it to check for a dirty diaper? I do multiple times a day, everyday! Ugh these so called "men" need to step up! But that'd just my opinion. : Hope it gets better for us.
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12-01-2012 at 7:40 AM
Eastie156
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I think if he needs a guy's night out, let him, who cares, you know? But in terms of him coming home sitting on a computer and ignoring you and your LO, that's NOT ok. Sorry, tired or not, there's no excuse to ignore a crying baby sitting right near him. That's crap. My best friend's husband would do a similar thing but they had 3 girls who were older (well not old, just not babies.) Eventually their marriage fell apart because all he cared about was sitting on a computer all night.

I'd say try to talk to him again and if he doesn't come around, talk to a marriage counsellor. Babies are a big adjustment for everyone, but it's not ok for him to be uninvolved, I don't care what job he does. DH works and is in law school at night and when he's home, he pays attention to DS, so I don't buy the whole "my job is stressful stuff".
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12-01-2012 at 8:28 AM
baby olsey
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Maybe there is something in the air! My H is asking me to throw things at him, last night he couldn't talk to the pedi because 'he didn't have the information.'  H had been with our LO as much as me last night during her episode, he never speaks to the pedi and always in a hurry to leave the office! Then we get home and he ask me 10 million questions or says 'you forgot to ask....' 

Why do H except us to do it all by ourselves all the time?! The second LO starts the bottle, I am leaving him with her for a whole day, he needs to have a clear picture.  
 
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12-01-2012 at 8:49 AM
buffyverrb...
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I think it is VERY important, that you express to him, in a calm manner, that you are not interested in doing this alone, and his actions are causing you to dislike him. 

I think he needs to hear the seriousness of what his actions mean. Then decide on a compromise. If when he comes home from work he is allowed to take 30m to himself to relax after work (after his shower), then he has to take the baby for 1 hour with no TV or computer. Ask him if he thinks this is reasonable, and if he thinks he can manage. 

I agree with a PP that a night out is not a bad thing, and if you don't let him do this stuff he will resent you. He needs an outlet just like you do.

If he won't listen, tell him flat out that your marriage is in trouble and that you want to go for counselling. If he refuses, go alone. 
 
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12-01-2012 at 11:32 AM
downwardsu...
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garnet10:
I'll just preface this by saying I have a 3 year old and a 2 month old. I am a FT SAHM and my husband is a police officer so when he comes home he is very tired and stressed out. I think you are making too big a deal out of this. I know how desperately you want a shower and a little me time when he comes home, but complaining about how he interacts with the baby and him taking a single boys night is going to do more harm than good. Most guys develop a much deeper bond as the baby grows more interactive. DH loves the toddler stage but is not as into the newborn period. As far the night out, be happy for him that he's maintaining his friendships as opposed to resentful, and he's more likely to want to do the same for you. Enjoy your time with LO, when you start coming home at 6 you'll generally have just a hour or so with your baby before bed time.

 

Whaaaaaaat?! Too big a deal?! If my DH didn't help I would strangle him. There is no reason why he can't watch or play with the baby a few hours a day. Boohoo, he has a job... That doesn't absolve him of responsibilities.  She can't even take a freaking shower without drama but its okay for him to play computer games while she cooks his dinner and does his laundry and then he goes out and parties? I don't think so. OP you need to tell him how you feel. Its 2012, not 1950.... He should help out more. 
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12-01-2012 at 11:45 AM
laxkal23
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I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a little attention for you and baby no matter what his job. My husband works long hours and then comes home and does more work in the evenings however that does not mean he has license not to focus on family too. It is hard for him to be as involved since we are breast feeding our 3 week old and I think it would be silly to ask him to change a diaper while Im standing there with the baby, but we have come to find certain things he can help with that make him just as much a part. For instance, I asked him to take at least half an hour to spend time with me without his computer or work just to watch something dvrd or eat dinner together. He also liked the idea of reading a story to the baby every night after the baby's evening feeding. The one tough thing I ask him to do is to rock the baby at night if he is fed but still fussing so that I can get a little sleep. My hubby is definitely more than willing to help out so it may be different but it helped to give him specific things he could do to make things easier. 
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12-01-2012 at 12:02 PM
mschocokit...
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Eastie156:

I think if he needs a guy's night out, let him, who cares, you know? But in terms of him coming home sitting on a computer and ignoring you and your LO, that's NOT ok. Sorry, tired or not, there's no excuse to ignore a crying baby sitting right near him. That's crap. My best friend's husband would do a similar thing but they had 3 girls who were older (well not old, just not babies.) Eventually their marriage fell apart because all he cared about was sitting on a computer all night.

I'd say try to talk to him again and if he doesn't come around, talk to a marriage counsellor. Babies are a big adjustment for everyone, but it's not ok for him to be uninvolved, I don't care what job he does. DH works and is in law school at night and when he's home, he pays attention to DS, so I don't buy the whole "my job is stressful stuff".

Not to get off topic, but Eastie, what is your son sitting in in your siggie pic? My DS would like that.  
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12-01-2012 at 12:43 PM
cerratocc
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mschocokitty:
Eastie156:

I think if he needs a guy's night out, let him, who cares, you know? But in terms of him coming home sitting on a computer and ignoring you and your LO, that's NOT ok. Sorry, tired or not, there's no excuse to ignore a crying baby sitting right near him. That's crap. My best friend's husband would do a similar thing but they had 3 girls who were older (well not old, just not babies.) Eventually their marriage fell apart because all he cared about was sitting on a computer all night.

I'd say try to talk to him again and if he doesn't come around, talk to a marriage counsellor. Babies are a big adjustment for everyone, but it's not ok for him to be uninvolved, I don't care what job he does. DH works and is in law school at night and when he's home, he pays attention to DS, so I don't buy the whole "my job is stressful stuff".

Not to get off topic, but Eastie, what is your son sitting in in your siggie pic? My DS would like that.  

It's a Bjorn Balancer.

  http://www.amazon.com/BABYBJORN-BabySitter-Balance-Brown-Beige/dp/B001HOIC8K
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12-01-2012 at 7:23 PM
ahollo02
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I know the feeling. We watched a half hour show last nite off our DVR (about all the time we get) and DD was inher nap nanny on the floor. She started crying. Normally I would soothe her if she didnt stop right away. But the nap nanny was on his side of the couch. What does DH do? Turns up the volume on the tv. I flipped a lid on him. Ughhh.
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12-01-2012 at 8:13 PM
Jimsgirl58...
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garnet10:
I'll just preface this by saying I have a 3 year old and a 2 month old. I am a FT SAHM and my husband is a police officer so when he comes home he is very tired and stressed out. I think you are making too big a deal out of this. I know how desperately you want a shower and a little me time when he comes home, but complaining about how he interacts with the baby and him taking a single boys night is going to do more harm than good. Most guys develop a much deeper bond as the baby grows more interactive. DH loves the toddler stage but is not as into the newborn period. As far the night out, be happy for him that he's maintaining his friendships as opposed to resentful, and he's more likely to want to do the same for you. Enjoy your time with LO, when you start coming home at 6 you'll generally have just a hour or so with your baby before bed time.

I am also the wife of police officer (who works at least 12 hours overtime a week) and I have a 3 y/o and a 4 week old and I still expect DH to help and he does. He is nervous when babies are so tiny so the bathing an most feeding and stuff with the baby does fall on me....so in exchange he does the dinner and laundry and does a lot of taking care of the 3 y/o. He does ll this without me asking.  Husbands should help, regardless of their job, these are their children, too, not just a chore. I don't see the big deal with a husband going out, as long as mom gets the sad opportunity for downtime, which OP I not getting. I would be pissed, too. Also it will lead tone spouse resenting th other.
 
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12-01-2012 at 8:36 PM
garnet10
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The point of my post was not that the OP should settle for DH ignoring her and LO ( I missed the part where he was ignoring his cries), but to be more encouraging and less critical of his parenting skills. I say this not because in marriage, as in most areas of life, showing someone appreciation, understanding, and support will get you further than criticism and ultimatums.

 
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12-01-2012 at 11:55 PM
jenguinbea...
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Eastie156:

I think if he needs a guy's night out, let him, who cares, you know? But in terms of him coming home sitting on a computer and ignoring you and your LO, that's NOT ok. Sorry, tired or not, there's no excuse to ignore a crying baby sitting right near him. That's crap. My best friend's husband would do a similar thing but they had 3 girls who were older (well not old, just not babies.) Eventually their marriage fell apart because all he cared about was sitting on a computer all night.

I'd say try to talk to him again and if he doesn't come around, talk to a marriage counsellor. Babies are a big adjustment for everyone, but it's not ok for him to be uninvolved, I don't care what job he does. DH works and is in law school at night and when he's home, he pays attention to DS, so I don't buy the whole "my job is stressful stuff".

This.

Sure, you may not be working for pay all day like he is, but you deserve a break too. You should definitely put it in to perspective for him.
Gabriel 09-11-2012
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12-02-2012 at 5:51 PM
Eastie156
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cerratocc:
mschocokitty:
Eastie156:

I think if he needs a guy's night out, let him, who cares, you know? But in terms of him coming home sitting on a computer and ignoring you and your LO, that's NOT ok. Sorry, tired or not, there's no excuse to ignore a crying baby sitting right near him. That's crap. My best friend's husband would do a similar thing but they had 3 girls who were older (well not old, just not babies.) Eventually their marriage fell apart because all he cared about was sitting on a computer all night.

I'd say try to talk to him again and if he doesn't come around, talk to a marriage counsellor. Babies are a big adjustment for everyone, but it's not ok for him to be uninvolved, I don't care what job he does. DH works and is in law school at night and when he's home, he pays attention to DS, so I don't buy the whole "my job is stressful stuff".

Not to get off topic, but Eastie, what is your son sitting in in your siggie pic? My DS would like that.  

It's a Bjorn Balancer.

  http://www.amazon.com/BABYBJORN-BabySitter-Balance-Brown-Beige/dp/B001HOIC8K

I just saw this! Yep, it's a Bjorn bouncer. It's actually my sister in-law's, we were all at my IL's for Thanksgiving and I asked her if Ethan could give it a go. He LOVES it. Honestly considering buying it, even though it's super expensive. BRU had it on sale the other day for $139.99.
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12-02-2012 at 11:33 PM
eringrapej...
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I think it's never too much of a big deal to let the person you are in a relationship with know how you feel in regards to a newborn child- regardless of job type or status. I work full-time and go to school full-time. My husband does the same. We just had our first child and if my husband suggested a night out on the town with friends drinking (which he would never do in the first place) I would be upset. I know he would feel the same way as well. It's understandable. I think talking it out and letting your spouse/partner know how you feel and you knowing how they feel will help ALOT!

 

I think, if I were in your situation, I would explain how I would appreciate help with dinner or even set us a schedule for that sort of thing- chores... I'm sorry you are going through this and hope it gets better for you soon.

 
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