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12-01-2012 at 9:54 AM
March2013F...
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A Big Debate: Who to have at hospital?

A little background: I'm 26, BF is 30. We were living together and dating about 9 months when I found out I was pregnant. It hasn't been easy to cope with pregnancy in a new relationship, but 4 months later we are still together and for the most part things are great.

The biggest issue in our relationship is his parents. Prior to baby, they thought I was the best thing ever. After we told them about the baby, I became an evil leach after their sons house and money. They kept telling him how controlling I was, he deserved better, that I got pregnant on purpose. They'd call him and tell him how the baby would ruin his life. It was terrible. And he believed them. For 3 months, I had to defend myself. Needless to say, I have a very sour taste in my mouth from them. I understand they were trying to protect their son. But c'mon. We both have good careers, are stable financially. Inconvenience in timing was not a valid reason to terminate in my mind.

His parents still ignore me when we get together at family events. And I ignore them. I had enough one day when his mother came to my house and took food off my counter while I wasn't home, telling my BF I was "too fat". The night we told them I was pregnant, she looked at me and said, "You need to go to the dentist. I don't want my son marrying a woman with no teeth." Now, I never had braces, but my teeth aren't that bad! I wrote them a long, but respectful letter saying until they both genuinely apologized to me and my BF, they were not welcome in my life, or my future daughter's.

Now it's time to choose a hospital. My BF is offended that I want my mom present at the birth, but not his. I don't even want her in the waiting room. What complicates things is she is a charge nurse at the hospital that is closest to my home.

Am I out of line refusing his parents permission to be there the day my daughter is born? I want to be surrounded by positive emotions, not negative ones.

 
12-01-2012 at 10:00 AM
mrsw1007
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I personally think if your the one giving birth, YOU make the choice of who  you want there and who you don't want there. Also, does she even want to be there?

I think it's a good idea for her not to be there, it's stressful enough being in labor, let alone having some b!t@h sitting there judging you the whole time.

 


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12-01-2012 at 10:03 AM
Kissimi21
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The only person who has to be in the delivery room is the one giving birth.  Everyone else is privileged to be invited in.  That being said, tell your BF that you want th ebirth to be as intimate as possible, just you, him and your mom (plus the doctors of course).  If he insists, change hospitals and ask the nurses to limit the number of support people to 2. 

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12-01-2012 at 10:03 AM
stacia601
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This is a personal choice.  I feel that it's your goods that are out on display and you need to feel comfortable with everyone in the room seeing it.  Since your BF's mother has been nothing but trouble for you ever since you got pregnant, I would feel the exact same way you do.  She has been unsupportive the entire time, so I feel that she should not be there.  That's what I would do if I was in your situation.  Make sure your decision does not cause problems between you and your BF.

I've decided to only have my BF in the room. (one reason being, our families live 2600 miles away).  I didn't ask our families to fly out for the birth because I wanted this to be a special moment for my BF and I to share together.

Best of luck in whatever decision you make!


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12-01-2012 at 10:21 AM
CleopatraB...
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You should be as comfortable as possible when giving birth. If his mother makes you uncomfortable, then she shouldn't be there.

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12-01-2012 at 10:29 AM
Kota26
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To answer your question, I completely agree with everyone that it is your choice, but take your BF's feelings into consideration as well.  I would be upset if my husband was having a major life-changing surgery done and he did not want one of my family members anywhere near the waiting room (just a hypothetical scenario). Not saying that he is right and you are wrong in the slightest, just thinking about the situation from his point of view. 

 

If anything, he needs to correct his mother when she starts speaking badly about you!   

 


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12-01-2012 at 10:32 AM
mrsbea
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The only debate is.. is that there is no debate. If you don't want it, don't like it, don't feel comfortable with it? don't do it. It's you and your BF's experience and baby and ultimately you are the ones who have to look back on it as either a pleasant or negative experience.

If I were in your position and I did decide to have her there, I wouldnt allow her to be in the actual delivery room during labor but rather in the waiting room.  Or visit the next day.

 When it comes to marriage, babies, etc. I am a firm believer in setting respectful boundaries right off the bat.


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12-01-2012 at 10:40 AM
Mrs.DeliaM...
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You are not out of line at all for not wanting his mom in the labor room when you are pushing the baby out.  Your body, your vag, your decision.  Your BF needs to realize that your mom is your mom, and therefore has every right to be there if you want her to be. 

Unfortunately, as far as his parents being in the waiting room, I don't really think you have much of a choice.  You may not like them, and they may not have apologized yet, but it is kind of one of those things where you have to be the bigger person and allow them to be there waiting for the baby to arrive, and allow them in to visit.  Give them the opportunity to be bigger people, too, to visit without being nasty.

If they visit, and still behave poorly and are nasty, then you have every right to keep them from visiting you in the hospital any further, and even at home later on.  At that point, you will have given them the opportunity to act like adults, and if they choose to burn that bridge that is their choice.



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12-01-2012 at 10:44 AM
daylights1
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I think you should have any say over who is in the delivery room but the waiting room is a bit different.   You and your BF need to sit down and talk about this.  A group of internet strangers can't help you. 


 

 

 


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12-01-2012 at 10:53 AM
Pearls+Oys...
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I agree with almost everyone: you're the one delivering, you're the one deciding who you want around you.

Personally, I originally only wanted my SO to be there, and no one until the next day. Then we talked about it a little more. One person that has been there throughout my life and has always held my hand (figuratively speaking) through storms is my mother.

So we asked her, and nicely told his mother that only mine was going to be there, to experience this with me, as a mother-daughter thing. She understood, as she was there for her own daughters. We can't control his family, and they will come to the hospital even if we ask them not to.  

I have learned to deal with his family... You really have to set boundaries, but you also have to understand that they're HIS family, and that allows them access to not only him... but you and your little family as well. 


 
12-01-2012 at 10:56 AM
March2013F...
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daylights1:
I think you should have any say over who is in the delivery room but the waiting room is a bit different. nbsp; You and your BF need to sit down and talk about this. nbsp;A group of internet strangers can't help you.nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;


I disagree. Sometimes strangers, complete unbiased third parties, make the best advice givers.

I think agreeing to have them in the waiting room is fine. Besides, they'll have to sit with my dad who is one gnarly dude. Very intimidating. I'm sure they'd behave with my parents around lol.

I have told him that it's my body on display, and I don't want anyone there I'm not comfortable showing it too. One other person will be there, my aunt, who is a midwife and my back up coach. Pretty sure my BF will cower in a corner with his tail between his legs during delivery lol!

 
12-01-2012 at 12:34 PM
Bliss+Berr...
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Mrs.DeliaMarieP:

You are not out of line at all for not wanting his mom in the labor room when you are pushing the baby out.  Your body, your vag, your decision.  Your BF needs to realize that your mom is your mom, and therefore has every right to be there if you want her to be. 

Unfortunately, as far as his parents being in the waiting room, I don't really think you have much of a choice.  You may not like them, and they may not have apologized yet, but it is kind of one of those things where you have to be the bigger person and allow them to be there waiting for the baby to arrive, and allow them in to visit.  Give them the opportunity to be bigger people, too, to visit without being nasty.

If they visit, and still behave poorly and are nasty, then you have every right to keep them from visiting you in the hospital any further, and even at home later on.  At that point, you will have given them the opportunity to act like adults, and if they choose to burn that bridge that is their choice.

100% this.  I think it's time for a come to Jesus talk with your BF though.  If he's allowing his parents to treat you in this manner and not coming to your defense in any way, I would rethink having him in the delivery room.   


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12-01-2012 at 1:17 PM
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Its time that you really let your BF know how you feel! Avoid getting upset as much as  possible. You mom seems to be your support person and you need her at least you would like her to be there. I woud explain how hs mothers neg. attitude has divided your views.

12-01-2012 at 2:46 PM
sherina825
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mrsw1007:
I personally think if your the one giving birth, YOU make the choice of whonbsp; you want there and who you don't want there. Also, does she even want to be there?
I think it's a good idea for her not to be there, it's stressful enough being in labor, let alone having some b!th sitting there judging you the whole time.
nbsp;


This is how I feel. I mean who wants to have negativity around their birth experience? I may be in the minority with this but if his family can't be respectful to you and you with them they don't deserve to have a relationship with their granddaughter. I'm not saying BFF but you guys need to have an amicable sp? relationship. But you shouldn't have to just suck it up and deal with them being rude to you.

 
12-01-2012 at 2:48 PM
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It is your decision. YOU are the one pushing the baby out. I didn't want anyone besides DH and I in the room. The grandparents were in the waiting room. I say that until she respects you and apologizes, there is no reason you should feel bad for not wanting her there. My advice: don't have a bunch of people there. When DS was born my whole family, DH's family, and friends were all there. I had to deliver in the OR because of complications and when I came back to the room EVERYONE was there...mom/dad, mil/fil, friends, etc. I love them all but I hadn't even had a minute with DS, DH, and I. I was so overwhelmed. Do what feels right for you. Don't worry about what other people say or feel.


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12-01-2012 at 2:50 PM
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If you don't want to  have her in the delivery room, don't. There's no reason to bring negative energy into the room or stress you out. I don't know how most hospitals are, but mine won't let you have more than 2 people in the delivery room, anyway, so that could always be your "excuse." For me, I wanted absolutely no one but DH in the room, so that's who was there.

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12-01-2012 at 3:09 PM
daylights1
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March2013FTM:
daylights1:
I think you should have any say over who is in the delivery room but the waiting room is a bit different. nbsp; You and your BF need to sit down and talk about this. nbsp;A group of internet strangers can't help you.nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;
I disagree. Sometimes strangers, complete unbiased third parties, make the best advice givers. I think agreeing to have them in the waiting room is fine. Besides, they'll have to sit with my dad who is one gnarly dude. Very intimidating. I'm sure they'd behave with my parents around lol. I have told him that it's my body on display, and I don't want anyone there I'm not comfortable showing it too. One other person will be there, my aunt, who is a midwife and my back up coach. Pretty sure my BF will cower in a corner with his tail between his legs during delivery lol!

Yes, you're right.  There a lot of times when a third party can help but in this case there are underlying issues between her, her BF and her BF's family that even the best advice cannot resolve.  

 


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12-01-2012 at 3:11 PM
meheron80
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You are not out of line at all.  My H and I argued about who would be in the room but in the end I told him my "coochy my decision", he stopped arguing after that.  Personally I wouldnt have wanted his mom in there... she is not my mom and often rude.  (two weeks ago she gave my husband another women's name and phone number while she was high on Opiates). 

Also when you register (or preregister if you can) I would make it very known that your mother in law is a charge nurse and just because she has privleges in the hospital you would prefer her to not be in your medical chart and ask about blocking your information from her access.  I know at my hospital I cannot see my H or daughters medical chart even though I have access to anyone else. 


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12-01-2012 at 5:03 PM
emisi
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Bliss+Berry:
 

100% this.  I think it's time for a come to Jesus talk with your BF though.  If he's allowing his parents to treat you in this manner and not coming to your defense in any way, I would rethink having him in the delivery room.   

I agree with this!  You said you BF's mother has been poisonous about you for the past three months, and he BELIEVED her.   You and he need to sit down and have a serious talk about the fact that he isn't standing up for you at all, and how it makes you feel.  You are going to be the MOTHER of his CHILD.  He needs to start being on your side.


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12-01-2012 at 5:57 PM
blush64
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Kota26:

To answer your question, I completely agree with everyone that it is your choice, but take your BF's feelings into consideration as well.  I would be upset if my husband was having a major life-changing surgery done and he did not want one of my family members anywhere near the waiting room (just a hypothetical scenario). Not saying that he is right and you are wrong in the slightest, just thinking about the situation from his point of view. 

 

If anything, he needs to correct his mother when she starts speaking badly about you!   

 

I just don't agree with this. And there is a HUGE difference in being in a waiting room and being in the delivery room.EDIT As in the situation mentioned. As far as the waiting room at the hospital, that might be something to consider allowing IF her behaviour changes  a good deal. If she is the way she has been I wouldn't be allowing her near the child at all.

 

Until your boyfriend (or husband) is the one giving birth it's not up to him to decide who is in the room and I do not think he deserves much of a say. I don't think the comparison is fair although if the family member was rude and disrespectful to him I would agree they have no place near the waiting room while he went through surgery.

The father deserves equal rights raising the baby but not on inviting his mother to something as intimate and personal as the delivery. It's your body on display.

I do think he needs to speak up if his parents try to put you down. I wouldn't allow my child into an environment that was hostile toward me. 

 
12-01-2012 at 7:25 PM
I Love my ...
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I thinki it's weird to have anyone expect your husband or boyfriend in the delivery room

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12-02-2012 at 8:44 PM
Truchana
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I agree with all the previous posts & strongly believe you need to have a heart to heart with this man about him supporting you, etc.  I just have to say that I find it extremely odd that she wants to be part of the birth when she tried to get her son to leave you, the baby, and what it sounds like possibly terminate the baby.  How could you even want that in the delivery room with you???  Your BF should understand this, among all of the other reasons most women only want BF/husband & potentially mom there. 

So...this is my bra! 
12-03-2012 at 8:00 AM
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If I was in this situation I would just say its you and DH to avoid an argument. Your mom can be by your side dealing with labor pains until its time to deliver. I am personally glad only DH was in the room. Its a gross embarassing mess when you deliver. Your parents can come in right after the baby is born. And I know it sucks not getting along with your IL's but it is her grandbaby too. And you ultamitely will be involved with them for the rest of your life. Im sure not allowing them to see the baby will only fuel the fire


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12-03-2012 at 8:54 AM
watermelon...
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I don't get along with my MIL. That said, she has just as much right emotionally and legally to my children as my mom, as does my H. I understand not wanting her in the room, but tread carefully. She has probably weathered him through some storms, too. IMO your problem is much larger than one day.

Personally, I chose not to have anyone but DH and my doula in the room, which may have been different if not for MIL.


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