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12-02-2012 at 6:37 PM
dalzien
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dalzien is not online. Last active: 05-23-2013, 4:53 AMNewbie

A little sad, feeling completely selfish... semi NBR and kind of long

Hi Ladies,

I just got a text from my SIL letting me know that they too are expecting. She is 2 months behind us. MIL called to talk about how happy she is that there will be 2 new babies in the family, and my nephew will have someone to play with. DH and I were shocked by the news considering her and her BF of 5 years have been having some very serious problems the last few months. SIL actually moved out for almost 2 months while they sorted out some issues.

MIL expects me to be really excited, and wants me to help babysit when SIL has her baby (DH and I are moving in with my inlaws in 2 weeks while we look for a house... we are moving across the country to be closer to family now that I am done school). 

This is our first baby, and I just want to focus on us and our baby... I don't want to have to think about settling into a new life, across the country with DH starting a new job and me staying home until we get settled before finding a job myself, and then looking after SIL's baby as well. SIL plans on working and having MIL babysit like she did with her first son. 

I know I should be excited for her... but I'm just not. I feel more "Blah" than anything. I wouldn't say that it's jealousy or a thunder stealing thing... but I'm just not excited, and I feel bad. It also means we have to adjust the housing arrangements, which will be tight as it is... but now will be worse. DH has invested money in getting the basement apartment in his parents house ready for us and baby. We are now expected to share some of the space for the new baby to have a nursery when it arrives. DH is disappointed because he was looking forward to some hand-me-downs, but other than that doesn't really care too much. Him and his sister aren't very close.

Any advice ladies? I would really like to be excited... I would... but I just don't feel it. I'll admit... I feel disappointed. 

 
12-02-2012 at 7:11 PM
milkergirl...
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I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't because I'm feeling the same way.  My SIL is also about 2 months behind me pg with her 2nd.  Although I'm not in your shoes where I'm being asked to babysit (and if that's for free, that would piss me off), but I wanted to feel special for a while with my family because it took us so long to get this far.  I think my SIL just thinks about getting pg and she is.  But part of my issue with her and my brother is that they couldn't afford their first baby, or even support themselves, and now they're having #2 that taxpayers will be footing the bill for. 
I suppose the only thing I can suggest is pretend to be happy for them; that's what I've been doing. 

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12-02-2012 at 7:43 PM
Disneygeek...
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Is there anyway to get a cheap apartment or studio somewhere.  I understand it will cost money but it might just be worth it.  SIL issues aside, it would probably be worth it just to have some space of your own. 

 

 
12-02-2012 at 7:52 PM
dalzien
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It's nice to know that others feel this way. I'm not someone that likes to hoard special things to myself. Right before hubby and I got married my cousin had a shot-gun wedding and called me up telling me she did it this way because she didn't want to steal my thunder. I couldn't have cared less. I was happy that she was happy and told her that both of our weddings are special and individual, and what one does could never overshadow the other because they reflect who we are.

I feel the same about this announcement. That both of our pregnancies are individual and not something to be compared too, but I just do not feel excited. DH knows there will definitely be drama now. There has always been drama with the sister. DH is the older of the two and has learned that exceptions are made for SIL, which is why he wasn't too surprised when his mother told him that we will have to give up one of the rooms in the basement apartment. I know we aren't paying the full rent for the unit, but we are still paying and have put money into the unit to prepare for our baby.

As far as babysitting without getting paid, I know that's what she has in mind. MIL always babysat for free to help her with saving money, which I completely understand and would appreciate myself, but it's one thing if MIL wants to do it... I do not. I want to enjoy the time that I have off and don't want to share that time with another baby. 

 
12-02-2012 at 7:58 PM
dalzien
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Where we are moving, the rent in the area is $1200 for a 2 bedroom, nothing included. We are paying a fraction ($300 when she normally would have the unit rented for about $1000) to help with costs, with the understanding that this is temporary (we've said we would be there between 6 months to a year... just to be safe) as we are actively looking for a house. If we went with anything more expensive it could possibly mean pulling money from savings. The unit was unrented because it needed repairs, which we have put money into over the last 3 months to help it get prepared for when we arrive.
 
12-03-2012 at 7:12 AM
Bliss+Berr...
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I wish I could drum up some sympathy for you, but honestly I just can't after the "retarded" post on 1st tri.  

You are going to be living under your IL's roof at a discounted rent.  Suck it up and deal or get an apartment.


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12-03-2012 at 8:13 AM
RockyTopVo...
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Bliss+Berry:

I wish I could drum up some sympathy for you, but honestly I just can't after the "retarded" post on 1st tri.  

Link pls.  


 
12-03-2012 at 8:18 AM
Bliss+Berr...
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RockyTopVols:
Bliss+Berry:

I wish I could drum up some sympathy for you, but honestly I just can't after the "retarded" post on 1st tri.  

Link pls.  

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70343200.aspx

 


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12-03-2012 at 8:35 AM
dalzien
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What "retarded" post?
 
12-03-2012 at 8:37 AM
dalzien
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dalzien is not online. Last active: 05-23-2013, 4:53 AMNewbie
Bliss+Berry:
RockyTopVols:
Bliss+Berry:

I wish I could drum up some sympathy for you, but honestly I just can't after the "retarded" post on 1st tri.  

Link pls.  

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70343200.aspx

 

 

The post you've link to... this is my response

 

This. While some sushi will probably be off limits, I know most of my friends ate it when they were pregnant and baby was just fine. Other than that I think some people take the "Do not eat/Do this" thing way too far. You'll see women on these boards that have panic attacks because they ate deli meat. I'm sure the stress from worrying about eating the deli meat is far worse to baby than the actual meat. Just try to enjoy yourself and not worry too much about Do's and Don'ts.

 

No mention of "retarded" anywhere unless I can't read. 

 
12-03-2012 at 8:46 AM
SarahRae85
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Here's the thing: You don't have to be excited about other people's pregnancy, especially when you have your own to be thinking about and enjoying. *shrug* I'm due within 6 weeks of my sister and SIL, and, honestly, I was a little disappointed when I learned they were pregnant and due so close to me. They can't really help when they're due, though, so it's just one of those things you have to accept and move on from. I'm happy for my sister and SIL, of course (especially SIL as this is their first), but I'm not going to be doing cartwheels for them any time soon. We chat about pregnancies, but I don't go out of my way to ask how they're doing, etc.

As for the housing situation, I think it's another thing you're allowed to feel upset about, to a point, but then you need to accept it and move on. It's temporary, and moving in with parents will always have a downside. The circumstances surrounding your SIL's pregnancy don't change the fact that she is pregnant and due shortly after you and needs MIL's help. As for expecting you to help babysit, I think it's reasonable since you will be there to pitch in here and tere, but I would also ask MIL to not rely on you to do the babysitting yourself. Have days where you're willing to help, and days set aside for you when you will only help in an extreme case (2-3 times a week), days that you would plan to get out of the house, run errands, and just... get out. You may not get out on those days, but those days she should plan on doing the babysitting herself, since she is the one that volunteered to do so.


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12-03-2012 at 9:29 AM
caladpi02
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dalzien:
Hi Ladies,I just got a text from my SIL letting me know that they too are expecting. She is 2 months behind us. MIL called to talk about how happy she is that there will be 2 new babies in the family, and my nephew will have someone to play with. DH and I were shocked by the news considering her and her BF of 5 years have been having some very serious problems the last few months. SIL actually moved out for almost 2 months while they sorted out some issues.MIL expects me to be really excited, and wants me to help babysit when SIL has her baby DH and I are moving in with my inlaws in 2 weeks while we look for a house... we are moving across the country to be closer to family now that I am done school.nbsp;This is our first baby, and I just want to focus on us and our baby... I don't want to have to think about settling into a new life, across the country with DH starting a new job and me staying home until we get settled before finding a job myself, and then looking after SIL's baby as well. SIL plans on working and having MIL babysit like she did with her first son.nbsp;I know I should be excited for her... but I'm just not. I feel more "Blah" than anything. I wouldn't say that it's jealousy or a thunder stealing thing... but I'm just not excited, and I feel bad. It also means we have to adjust the housing arrangements, which will be tight as it is... but now will be worse. DH has invested money in getting the basement apartment in his parents house ready for us and baby. We are now expected to share some of the space for the new baby to have a nursery when it arrives. DH is disappointed because he was looking forward to some handmedowns, but other than that doesn't really care too much. Him and his sister aren't very close.Any advice ladies? I would really like to be excited... I would... but I just don't feel it. I'll admit... I feel disappointed.nbsp;

Um ok. You write you are planning on getting a job and getting a house and later say the in law thing is 612 months tops. So you are complaining about a situation that could last as little as 4 months assuming you start working with your 6 month old in care, to say nothing of the fact that you could find your dream home days after you start looking. Are you also planning on using his mom?
Sounds like you are complaining about an awful lot of hypotheticals when you should consider yourself damn lucky.

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12-03-2012 at 9:33 AM
Bliss+Berr...
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dalzien:
Bliss+Berry:
RockyTopVols:
Bliss+Berry:

I wish I could drum up some sympathy for you, but honestly I just can't after the "retarded" post on 1st tri.  

Link pls.  

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70343200.aspx

 

 

The post you've link to... this is my response

 

This. While some sushi will probably be off limits, I know most of my friends ate it when they were pregnant and baby was just fine. Other than that I think some people take the "Do not eat/Do this" thing way too far. You'll see women on these boards that have panic attacks because they ate deli meat. I'm sure the stress from worrying about eating the deli meat is far worse to baby than the actual meat. Just try to enjoy yourself and not worry too much about Do's and Don'ts.

 

No mention of "retarded" anywhere unless I can't read. 

I do apologize.  I was confusing you with Starshine. My mistake.  However, my other response still stands.  


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12-03-2012 at 10:15 AM
highlights
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Wait a minute.

 

You are living with your ILs for $300 a month. You don't have a job. And your MIL is going to expect you to help her babysit when your kid is three months old? And your SIL won't be giving you her old stuff for free?

 

Those wenches.

 

 


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12-03-2012 at 12:04 PM
lindseybel...
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I think you'll enjoy it.  Everyone started having babies in mine and DH's family right after we got pregnant with T. and it is the best thing ever having other people in the same boat... not sleeping, talking about developmental stuff, the kids having each other as playmates. Really, the whole "attention" thing with a new baby gets old fast. They don't really do that much for the first few months and then when they get older, it's a lot easier when they have other little kids to be entertained by.  Plus you don't have to feel like you're the only one being limited by childcare duties. I think it's all a very positive situation.

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12-03-2012 at 12:39 PM
asibilrud
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I think OP just wanted to vent. I'd be a little upset that I was paying anything and making renos to the property and expected to babysit. I think OP just wants a little attention, and feels as though her SIL is ALWAYS stealing the spotlight...

 
12-03-2012 at 2:45 PM
pamperedgi...
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i completely understand wanting to focus on your family (hubby and baby) for a while. and i would be upset also about giving up a room in the space you are paying to renovate. and i would be upset at being told that i have to help babysit for free. i would be more receptive if i were being asked not told.

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12-03-2012 at 2:52 PM
drewiekc
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You being expected to help babysit, i can understand being upset about.  The rest, not so much.  I'd just talk to your MIL and let her know that while you really appreciate the fact that she's letting you live with her for dirt cheap while you look for a house, you dont want to be responsible for helping babysit your niece/nephew except on rare occasions.  Try to work something out instead of just getting your panties in a twist.

It is HER house.  You really cant get upset about her "taking a room away" from you when you arent paying the full rent she'd normally charge.  And really, it will be nice for your child to have a cousin close in age, regardless of any "drama" with the SIL. 


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12-04-2012 at 10:23 AM
vaness1229
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I think you're being a little unreasonable. Your MIL is allowing you to stay in her house for 300/month when she could normally rent it for 1000/month, therefore she is foregoing 700/month which is 8,400 per year. I don't think its completely unfair for you to have to help her babysit your SIL's baby every now and then.

I understand that its unreasonable if they expect you to watch the baby full time but not if they just want you to chip in here and there. It sounds like your just annoyed that it won't be as convenient as you thought it was going to be. I agree that it sucks that you will probably have to work a little harder when you already have to take care of your own baby. However, you're living in their house for almost free, "Begger's can't choosers".

If you really don't want to help out, then get your own apartment. Honestly, that is what I would do to avoid whatever drama is already stirring. But, that is just my personal opinion.


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