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12-06-2012 at 10:10 AM
brittany&d...
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brittany&dain is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 11:29 PMNewbie

relationship problems?

Is anyone else having problems with their spouse? I am not sure if I am overreacting or if I may have PPD or the Baby Blues. But I just get so frustrated with him and we have been fighting constantly, like every single day!  I am not sure how to fix things between us and when I tell him how I feel he just ignores it and doesn't care, he blames our fights because I don't like that he has friends which is not the case, I will admit though that I do not like that I feel as though his friends are the PRIORITY over his family!!! He has done a lot of not so great things with his friends when putting them before myself and our son so of course I have a problem with it! He is not willing to go to counseling he says we are too young to go and I am not sure if I am just over reacting or how to fix things! Every day I am irritable and get mad at him and then I'm crying and afraid we aren't going to make it. Any help or suggestions?

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12-06-2012 at 10:15 AM
mabenner1
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How old are the 2 of you?  And what do you mean by "not so great things" with his friends?  Like just drinking, or drugs, or what? 

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12-06-2012 at 10:37 AM
brittany&d...
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brittany&dain is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 11:29 PMNewbie
I am 22 and he is 23. The things he's done are....going to bars when I was pregnant, saying he'd be home at 12 get home around 3. He got a DUI, then kept going out with his friends, on our last weekend before our son was born we were supposed to do something as our last just us time and he went out with his friends. Even after our son was born he will blow off our plans for his friends. Now this doesn't happen all the time only about 4 days in a time span of a month or two since his friend is gone in the navy

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12-06-2012 at 10:37 AM
jjetweddin...
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Brittany, I don't know you or your specific problems but you are not too young to fix things. Matter of fact the sooner you fix things the better. Your life will continue to get more difficult and the sooner you address the things that make you unhappy the better. There will be a point later on if you don't nip stuff in the bud now that you will start to lose yourself. Take care of yourself and make sure your needs are met now. If you don't, the problems still linger and things will just continue to get tougher. Do you have a trusted friend to talk to? A counselor would be good as well. But most of all, negotiate and stand up for the things that you really need in your relationship to make it work and make you both happy. :
 
12-06-2012 at 10:43 AM
Idani
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I think that all relationships suffer some when you bring a newborn into the mix. That being said, what you are describing I think is different than that. It apears, although I don't know you or your DH, that he has a drinking problem.  He has got a DUI yet continues to go out.  He needs to grow up and he needs to realize that if he doesn't, ultimately he could lose his family.  If he is refusing counseling, would you consider it yourself? You need a partner, and from what you said he is still acting like a frat boy.  I think friends are important but perhaps he could have maybe one or two times a month that he goes out with friends, AND he returns at a reasonable time.  Is he the first in his group to have a family? I know that our friends have changed since having kids, we still talk with our old friends but also have new friends that are "at the same place in life" as us.  I truly think you need a heart to heart with him, tell him that he needs to man up or else.

 
12-06-2012 at 10:47 AM
brittany&d...
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brittany&dain is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 11:29 PMNewbie
yes he is the only one of his friends to have a baby. i wouldn't be opposed to him hanging out with his friends as long as he was home with his family and not out super late. I do not go out to bars or drinking and have no desire to do so, I could not imagine going out and doing something without our baby he is my focus and it's hard for me to understand how he doesn't feel the same way

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12-06-2012 at 10:48 AM
LissaLee
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In my experience, it seems this is normal for first time dads. They tend to bond later with the baby, once the baby is more interactive and until then, they really don't want their lives to change so they act out in an effort to "prove" nothing has changed. It is also completely normal for the new mommy, to be completely frustrated because of this!

I really recommend the book "Babyproofing your marriage". It really gives good insight as to what is going on in both the new father and mother's heads in those early months. It also gives really good, practical ways to help get you both on the same page.

Good luck to you! It is so hard in the first few months when your emotions are so high, but I really think that most couples go through at least a little bit of this (even with baby #2 or more). You are most definately not alone in this!


Mommy to Evelyn Clare born 6/23/07, Ryan Hansen born 12/10/09, and Charlotte Nicole born 11/1/12 
12-06-2012 at 11:08 AM
mabenner1
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brittany&dain:
I am 22 and he is 23. The things he's done are....going to bars when I was pregnant, saying he'd be home at 12 get home around 3. He got a DUI, then kept going out with his friends, on our last weekend before our son was born we were supposed to do something as our last just us time and he went out with his friends. Even after our son was born he will blow off our plans for his friends. Now this doesn't happen all the time only about 4 days in a time span of a month or two since his friend is gone in the navy

It sounds like he needs to reprioritize. You need to sit him down and calmly tell him how you feel-no crying, no screaming, and don't do it while he's doing something to make you upset. My husband is 26, and would never dream of doing any of that to us-because he knows that DS and I are his priority, and he is a mature, rational adult. Yes, he goes out with his friends, but he never blows us off, drinks and drives (which is a huge issue for me, btw), or lies to me. I agree with a PP, your DH may have a drinking problem if he's going out and getting wasted right after getting a DUI.


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12-06-2012 at 11:17 AM
brittany&d...
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brittany&dain is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 11:29 PMNewbie

He doesn't see drinking as a problem but it also makes it difficult when one week his parents are yelling at him for what he does and saying he has a drinking problem but the next day they are having a beer with him! It is so frustrating and I know his parents are on my side but I now can not rely on them since that just seems to make him so upset but I feel like I need help with him and they are the ones that can make him do things! I sometimes wonder if maybe we need to go on a break or not live together until he is ready to grow up. He is completely opposed to that idea and says he knows what he wants and it is this and our family. But 2 unhappy people don't make a happy couple.I wish I could leave to my parents home but I don't want to feel as though I am running away or taking our DS from him.

It's just hard to get him to see my point of view because he just brushes it off before I even say anything and doesn't want to hear anything about how he may be wrong

Thank you for all of your advice everyone it really is helpful!


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12-06-2012 at 11:42 AM
mabenner1
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brittany&dain:

He doesn't see drinking as a problem but it also makes it difficult when one week his parents are yelling at him for what he does and saying he has a drinking problem but the next day they are having a beer with him! It is so frustrating and I know his parents are on my side but I now can not rely on them since that just seems to make him so upset but I feel like I need help with him and they are the ones that can make him do things! I sometimes wonder if maybe we need to go on a break or not live together until he is ready to grow up. He is completely opposed to that idea and says he knows what he wants and it is this and our family. But 2 unhappy people don't make a happy couple.I wish I could leave to my parents home but I don't want to feel as though I am running away or taking our DS from him.

It's just hard to get him to see my point of view because he just brushes it off before I even say anything and doesn't want to hear anything about how he may be wrong

Thank you for all of your advice everyone it really is helpful!

His parents don't need to be involved in this discussion at all. It is between you and him, and about the 2 of you. And of course he doesn't see his drinking as a problem-he's having a great time!


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12-06-2012 at 1:37 PM
brittany&d...
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brittany&dain is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 11:29 PMNewbie
I agree but sometimes I feel like they are the only ones that can tell him something and make him understand...but obviously that isn't the case

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12-06-2012 at 6:40 PM
jaimevogt
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brittany&dain:
I am 22 and he is 23. The things he's done are....going to bars when I was pregnant, saying he'd be home at 12 get home around 3. He got a DUI, then kept going out with his friends, on our last weekend before our son was born we were supposed to do something as our last just us time and he went out with his friends. Even after our son was born he will blow off our plans for his friends. Now this doesn't happen all the time only about 4 days in a time span of a month or two since his friend is gone in the navy
If this is really only a problem for 2 weekends out of 2 months then I think you guys are going to work through this. Sounds like since his friend is hardly ever around he does prioritize him a little bit then. As long has you guys are the priority the rest of the time I'd give him that time with him. 

  



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12-06-2012 at 6:43 PM
sadsadie
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LissaLee:

In my experience, it seems this is normal for first time dads. They tend to bond later with the baby, once the baby is more interactive and until then, they really don't want their lives to change so they act out in an effort to "prove" nothing has changed. It is also completely normal for the new mommy, to be completely frustrated because of this!

I find this deeply troubling; if a new dad is behaving like an ass, it's because he hasn't grown up yet...not because he's a guy. Talk about perpetuating the "boys will be boys" stereotype.

OP, it sounds like you married a child. While you can work on fixing things, the truth is he's only going to grow up when he wants to.  


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12-07-2012 at 1:08 PM
Disneygeek...
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sadsadie:
LissaLee:

In my experience, it seems this is normal for first time dads. They tend to bond later with the baby, once the baby is more interactive and until then, they really don't want their lives to change so they act out in an effort to "prove" nothing has changed. It is also completely normal for the new mommy, to be completely frustrated because of this!

I find this deeply troubling; if a new dad is behaving like an ass, it's because he hasn't grown up yet...not because he's a guy. Talk about perpetuating the "boys will be boys" stereotype.

OP, it sounds like you married a child. While you can work on fixing things, the truth is he's only going to grow up when he wants to.  

Exactly, my husband never behaved like this and I don't have any friends who husbands behaved like this either.

OP, I really don't know what to tell you.  You married a man that cares more about his friends and getting drunk than spending time and caring for his wife and child.   That truly is a terrible situation to be in and you have my sympathy. 

 
12-07-2012 at 1:08 PM
Disneygeek...
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sadsadie:
LissaLee:

In my experience, it seems this is normal for first time dads. They tend to bond later with the baby, once the baby is more interactive and until then, they really don't want their lives to change so they act out in an effort to "prove" nothing has changed. It is also completely normal for the new mommy, to be completely frustrated because of this!

I find this deeply troubling; if a new dad is behaving like an ass, it's because he hasn't grown up yet...not because he's a guy. Talk about perpetuating the "boys will be boys" stereotype.

OP, it sounds like you married a child. While you can work on fixing things, the truth is he's only going to grow up when he wants to.  

Exactly, my husband never behaved like this and I don't have any friends who husbands behaved like this either.

OP, I really don't know what to tell you.  You married a man that cares more about his friends and getting drunk than spending time and caring for his wife and child.   That truly is a terrible situation to be in and you have my sympathy. 

 
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