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12-06-2012 at 2:22 PM
roadrunner...
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Friend asked to bring her baby...

I have a close friend whose baby will be 7.5 months at the time of my baby shower, and she rsvp'd to my Mom asking if she could bring him with her.  She's breast feeding and feels it best to bring him along, and if not then she will gladly send me my gift in the mail.  I thought it was a bit odd since I know she is back at work part-time and has been pumping for a few months now...  It would only be a few hours away from her son.  However, that's not my decision, and I want her to do what she needs/wants for her child, I don't blame her for that.  And I also know I would love for her to be there, she's been there for me during my whole pregnancy and is a good friend.  I personally don't think it's a big deal, but when I talked with my Mom she seemed like she wasn't really for it.  But it is completely up to me, and I feel I have to say yes because I don't feel like I could tell her no.  I would feel terrible.  The only issue is, I know a lot of other people invited have children as well, and I wouldn't want them to feel bad not having their children there (although I can say I'm pretty sure most of them would use it as a fun few hours away from motherly duties...) and I also think a baby under a year old is an exception. 

 

I'm planning to tell her it's no problem and to bring him since I really don't mind, but I still wanted to see if anyone has had any experience with this??   Thank you for reading.

 
12-06-2012 at 2:28 PM
5LittleBea...
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I've been to many baby showers where people bring their young infants. I've even been to many where there are toddlers/children running around. I personally don't think it's a big deal at all. 

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12-06-2012 at 2:31 PM
Shea202
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I don't see an issue... especially since she has gone back to work.  She most likely wants to spend more time wiht her child. 
 
12-06-2012 at 2:45 PM
mabenner1
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I don't understand why your mom dragged you into this. She's the hostess, she should have handled it.


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12-06-2012 at 2:45 PM
earthspiri...
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 I will probably be the oddball here but personally I think the day is about you and your baby.....not someone else's. I think the other baby can be a distraction, I guess it depends on the Mom......is she looking for attention or does she want you to have your moment. I would prefer to not have a child or baby at my shower unless it's a nursing newborn.....but that's just me. 
 
12-06-2012 at 2:49 PM
elainelbuc...
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Your mom is the host, it's up to her.  Since she doesn't really want the baby there she should call your friend back and tell her no.

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12-06-2012 at 2:55 PM
EastCoastB...
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My rambling thoughts:

A nursing newborn is always an exception I see no problem with.  Newborns are their own breed.  But 7.5 months isn't a newborn anymore.  Especially, as you said, she's gone back to work and does have the ability to have him fed w/o being there. 

Although, I will say that pumping SUCKS and if it's more that she would need to pump during that time and it's easier to bring him - I couldn't say "no" to that.

The issue of it being that she doesn't want to be apart from her kid - eh, not a reason to say "yes".  She will be faced w/ other "no kids invited" events in her life and if she just can't stand to be away, then she needs to simply RSVP "no" instead of putting the hostess in the position of telling her "no" the kid can't come.

As for what other people will think, I just don't care.  Your friend asked for an exception, they didn't.  And really, in the end, I don't feel a 7.5 month old will be all that distracting (at least if your friend has any tact about it!).  I really just wouldn't worry about the other people. If anything happened to be said to you, just say "As she's nursing, she asked to bring him and of course I said yes".

Which brings me to my ultimate point - it sounds like you want to say "yes" and as such, say "yes". 


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12-06-2012 at 2:56 PM
skoogirl
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I have a very hard time attending any parties on weekends without my son because my husband is a chef and works weekends. If the shower invite says no children I often drop off a gift and leave because I don't want to get a babysitter just to attend a childless babyshower.  I have done it but it feels like the mother to be and or hosts must not like children very much, which will make having their own that much tougher. 

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12-06-2012 at 3:01 PM
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skoogirl:
  I have done it but it feels like the mother to be and or hosts must not like children very much, which will make having their own that much tougher. 
Oh good grief.

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12-06-2012 at 3:04 PM
wittyschaf...
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I think that it is fine for her to bring her baby.  Maybe it is just me but I sort of presume any Mom who has a baby under a year old will bring them with.  
 
12-06-2012 at 3:10 PM
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My 2 year old nephew came to both of my showers and he is way more intrusive than a baby.


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12-06-2012 at 3:12 PM
MelRC117
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EastCoastBride:
skoogirl:
  I have done it but it feels like the mother to be and or hosts must not like children very much, which will make having their own that much tougher. 
Oh good grief.

Yes assuming the only reason that there is no children at a baby shower because the MTB and hostesses don't like children is ridculous.  Can't there be events that don't involve children?  Maybe the location isn't suitable for children to be running around?  Maybe the hostesses are concerned that the baby and new mom will be the focus instead of the MTB? 

Edit: OP, it sounds like you are okay with it.  The others didn't ask, so oh well.  You can't make everyone happy.  Like someone said, she might think she will have to pump in that time, and it is a PITA to pump.  Its kind of a lessons learned thing that whether or not children would be invited would have been addressed before. 


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12-06-2012 at 3:14 PM
JenniD2
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roadrunner4:

IBut it is completely up to me, and I feel I have to say yes because I don't feel like I could tell her no. 

Wrong. This is up to your host. Your mom should have the final say as she is managing the guest list. I would find this extremely rude to your mom for you to make the decision without her final say. Not to mention, I find it rude of your friend to ask if she can bring the baby if the invitation did not say "children welcome" (but that's just my thought on that).

 That being said, the baby is 7.5 months old. If the mom can manage to be without the baby to work part-time, I think she can manage to be without the baby for a few hours at the baby shower. The only exception to this would be if the baby is a newborn.


 
12-06-2012 at 3:28 PM
RoxyLynn
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That was really rude of her to ask and to put your mother in that position.

I think it can be done well, and I would have loved it, but taking all of the crappy parts of school away from a kid isn't good for them in the long run.

There are lessons like "Not everyone likes you" and "Some people are douche bags" that you don't learn without socializing in a large group of poorly supervised children.
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12-06-2012 at 3:34 PM
blush64
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earthspirit:
 I will probably be the oddball here but personally I think the day is about you and your baby.....not someone else's. I think the other baby can be a distraction, I guess it depends on the Mom......is she looking for attention or does she want you to have your moment. I would prefer to not have a child or baby at my shower unless it's a nursing newborn.....but that's just me. 

I think this reasoning sounds spoiled and jealous. Not that you are either one, but fearing someone wants to bring their 7 month old to steal attention from you just sounds weird to me. My last thought ever would have been that a mother wants to bring a 7 month old to a shower to steal attention from the mother-to-be.  

There are many reasons for not wanting kids there and it's find to let her know he can't come. I don't think she really should have asked in the first place.

 If you are ok with the baby there, let her know. Don't feel that you have to be ok with it. But don't worry that the baby will steal your attention. That's silly.  

EDIT I don't think we should judge that the woman "should" be ok with leaving her baby for a shower. She works and that's her choice but that doesn't mean she is fine with leaving him any time. She was wrong to ask to bring him. She should have just declined the invitation if she's not comfortable leaving him, which is her choice. 

 
12-06-2012 at 3:39 PM
roadrunner...
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Thanks everyone, I appreciate the feedback.  I do know that this friend is not the type to be looking for attention or to show off her baby.  She's not like that in the least, and I think that's why I feel obligated to say yes.  I truly believe she wants to be able to bf him...and that's what she said to me.  She'd prefer to be able to bf when she can, so that's her reasoning.  I am involved in the decision because I mentioned the date to her ahead of the invites, and she asked me this on the spot.  I don't even remember how I responded exactly bc I wasn't expecting it...but I know that I didn't say no.  I just said I understood or something, it was awfully awkward.  I told my Mom about the conversation, so she already knew I was aware.  I just figured I would see what happened with her formal rsvp..  It's my decision because that's how my Mom would like it to be..she's not saying she can't bring her baby, I think she just doesn't understand why she has to when she has been able to go back to work..and has a husband to watch him.  

 

In the end, I don't want something like this to cause any ill feeling between my friend and I because it's not worth it to me personally.  I recently went out to lunch with her and another friend, baby as well, and he was very well-behaved. He ate, he slept and he bounced happily on her lap.  So I think he'll be fine at the shower.  I'd prefer that this wasn't something I had to confront, but since I do I think the best decision is to just say yes.

 

Thanks so much for your input. 

 
12-06-2012 at 4:08 PM
jobiann
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Not sure why it would be an issue for her to bring her baby...did the invite say "no children"?


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12-06-2012 at 5:18 PM
SunAndRain
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As someone who has struggled since day 1 with supply I know that nursing is the best way to maintain that supply. Much better than pumping. So I rarely give up opportunities to nurse. I understand your shower is important but I could see myself forgoing a shower for this reason. People say it is just ONE event, but in reality it is likely one of many that your friend has to consider.

I never knew how hard nursing would be nor how monumentally important it would be to me. But knowing all this now I find it hard to judge your friend. 

I'm sure your friend wants to be there for you. I would just reread ecb's reply and let her attend with the baby. 

 
12-06-2012 at 5:23 PM
RoxyLynn
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jobiann:
Not sure why it would be an issue for her to bring her baby...did the invite say "no children"?
An invitation NEVER points out who isn't invited!  The guest should have the bare minimum etiquette to know that whoever is named on the envelope is who is invited.


I think it can be done well, and I would have loved it, but taking all of the crappy parts of school away from a kid isn't good for them in the long run.

There are lessons like "Not everyone likes you" and "Some people are douche bags" that you don't learn without socializing in a large group of poorly supervised children.
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12-06-2012 at 5:25 PM
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earthspirit:
 I will probably be the oddball here but personally I think the day is about you and your baby.....not someone else's. I think the other baby can be a distraction, I guess it depends on the Mom......is she looking for attention or does she want you to have your moment. I would prefer to not have a child or baby at my shower unless it's a nursing newborn.....but that's just me. 

I had two infants under 3 months old, a 1-year-old and an 18-month-old at my shower. And yet, I still remained the "center of attention." 

Even if the babies did "distract" the guests -- who cares? I didn't expect every single guest would do nothing but sit and watch me open every single gift for an hour and a half. 

12-06-2012 at 5:53 PM
Krisands
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I believe that babies should be present at a baby shower. In my circle it's just understood that children are included in these types of things. As for stealing attention if trust makes a person jealous they have a whole other set of issues to work out.
 
12-06-2012 at 6:11 PM
caladpi02
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There are situations in which children who are mobile would be a problem at a shower. A private club, a restaurant, etc. all are situations in which kids that can move+run might be an issue. Your friend was really rude to ask you on the spot, you are not the hostess and it is up to her if she wants any kids there, only under 12 mos, whatever.

I think I have been to one shower with a baby present, and that baby was under 4 months. I would tell your mother and your friend that they can have this discussion between the two of them and you are not getting involved. The End.

 


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12-06-2012 at 6:15 PM
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5LittleBears:
I've been to many baby showers where people bring their young infants. I've even been to many where there are toddlers/children running around. I personally don't think it's a big deal at all. 

Yes this. There have been babies/toddlers at every baby shower I've ever been too. Also, just because she is pumping for work doesn't mean that she has extra supply planned for when she's normally home to nurse. Does that make sense? I EBF and pumped but I could never get much milk pumping...


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12-06-2012 at 6:24 PM
Jennilynn
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SunAndRain:

As someone who has struggled since day 1 with supply I know that nursing is the best way to maintain that supply. Much better than pumping. So I rarely give up opportunities to nurse. I understand your shower is important but I could see myself forgoing a shower for this reason. People say it is just ONE event, but in reality it is likely one of many that your friend has to consider.

 

This- she may be seriously struggling with her supply. And FWIW I have to take my 10 month old almost everywhere because she WONT take a bottle, and  people seem to be pretty dang understanding.


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12-06-2012 at 7:43 PM
Liz4444
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5LittleBears:
I've been to many baby showers where people bring their young infants. I've even been to many where there are toddlers/children running around. I personally don't think it's a big deal at all. 

It's great that you, and others in this thread think kids at showers are fine, but that's not the question.  And, it's not your shower.  If the host wants an adults only shower, that is her perogative.  It doesn't make her a bad person or mean that she hates kids, it means she wants an adults only party, which is perfectly acceptable. 

I think it was rude of your friend to put you in that position.  Obviously, it's up to you, but in your OP, it really seemed as though your mother was not too keen on the idea of having a child there.  If your friend gets butt-hurt that you would tell her no then there are bigger issues there.


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12-06-2012 at 8:53 PM
skoogirl
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EastCoastBride:
skoogirl:
  I have done it but it feels like the mother to be and or hosts must not like children very much, which will make having their own that much tougher. 
Oh good grief.

Charlie Brown?  :)  Seriously, I didn't realize that so many people thought that BABY showers were adult-only, no babies allowed! 


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12-06-2012 at 9:03 PM
Liz4444
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skoogirl:

EastCoastBride:
skoogirl:
  I have done it but it feels like the mother to be and or hosts must not like children very much, which will make having their own that much tougher. 
Oh good grief.

Charlie Brown?  :)  Seriously, I didn't realize that so many people thought that BABY showers were adult-only, no babies allowed! 

If the host wants it to be adults only, guess what, that's what it is.  The reason for the party is irrelevant.


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12-06-2012 at 9:12 PM
skoogirl
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Liz4444:
skoogirl:

EastCoastBride:
skoogirl:
  I have done it but it feels like the mother to be and or hosts must not like children very much, which will make having their own that much tougher. 
Oh good grief.

Charlie Brown?  :)  Seriously, I didn't realize that so many people thought that BABY showers were adult-only, no babies allowed! 

If the host wants it to be adults only, guess what, that's what it is.  The reason for the party is irrelevant.

The reason for the party is to celebrate a baby.  Babies are not welcome. I don't think that's irrelevant. l think it's their choice but not something I agree with.  But, then, I like babies :) 


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12-06-2012 at 9:28 PM
Liz4444
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skoogirl:
Liz4444:
skoogirl:

EastCoastBride:
skoogirl:
  I have done it but it feels like the mother to be and or hosts must not like children very much, which will make having their own that much tougher. 
Oh good grief.

Charlie Brown?  :)  Seriously, I didn't realize that so many people thought that BABY showers were adult-only, no babies allowed! 

If the host wants it to be adults only, guess what, that's what it is.  The reason for the party is irrelevant.

The reason for the party is to celebrate a baby.  Babies are not welcome. I don't think that's irrelevant. l think it's their choice but not something I agree with.  But, then, I like babies :) 

You don't have to agree, it's not your party.  When it's your party, you can have as many babies as you want. 

And, the party is to celebrate the woman becoming a mother, not the baby. Yes, I know, but it's called a baby shower.  That's because the baby is what's making her a mother.


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12-06-2012 at 9:31 PM
rhubarb123
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skoogirl:
Liz4444:
skoogirl:

EastCoastBride:
skoogirl:
  I have done it but it feels like the mother to be and or hosts must not like children very much, which will make having their own that much tougher. 
Oh good grief.

Charlie Brown?  :)  Seriously, I didn't realize that so many people thought that BABY showers were adult-only, no babies allowed! 

If the host wants it to be adults only, guess what, that's what it is.  The reason for the party is irrelevant.

The reason for the party is to celebrate a baby.  Babies are not welcome. I don't think that's irrelevant. l think it's their choice but not something I agree with.  But, then, I like babies :) 

Actually the reason for the shower is NOT to welcome the baby.  It is to welcome a woman to motherhood.  The baby isn't even there yet...you would welcome the baby AFTER it is born.

I do agree with ECB regarding bringing a nursing infant that is still a lap child.  Obviously some people nurse their kids well into toddlerhood and I don't think she should be allowed if it is an adult event.  Some locations are not set up for children (restaurants, clubs, people's homes that are not childproofed, etc).

I also agree that the friend was rude to ask to bring her child.  She should have made the decision to either leave the baby at home with DH and come alone or not come at all.

 
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