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12-07-2012 at 10:59 PM
Cindal
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I screwed up :( *long vent*

I messed up today big time. I let my frustration and anger at my husband get the best of me and said a whole lot of things I really shouldn't have. And over the stupidest sh*t too.

We were in the grocery store, just at the beginning of our grocery shopping trip. I playfully swatted him on the backside because I was in a good mood and was trying to be affectionate and playful. On my side of the family, we've always rough-housed, wrestled, play hit(never hard enough to hurt) as a form of affection and its a really hard habit to break. He spins around and shoots me the most venomous go to hell glare ever and growls at me ,"Don't hit me" It took me a little off guard cause its not like its a new behavior and couldn't think of anything to say so I muttered very quietly(stupidly I admit) that 'fine' he could go f*ck himself. He then stomps off and refuses to come back and finish the shopping with me. So I spent at least the next half hour maybe more going down the aisles, being polite and trying to return the smiles of all the little old ladies out shopping, all the while simmering inside, growing more and more angry with each passing step. Thinking of every stupid thing that's pissed me off in the past couple of weeks and just letting it heap on. I had to even text him to get him to come back inside with our debit card so I could pay for the stupid groceries. He didn't say anything in the car or while we were putting them up and I just kinda snapped on him. I tried to leave before I did it but my bike didn't want to start and he came down and blocked the garage exit. I shouted and screamed and just flipped out and told him that the next time he walked off and left me like that, that I was going to leave too... forever. That I was tired of him not making an effort to fix the problem when he got angry. And that if he was going to give up, then maybe I was going to just give up too. We finally reached a level where we could talk it out and did, pointing out to each other the things that needed to be worked on and agreed to work on them. I'm okay with it, all I ever wanted was cooperation and for us to work on our problems whatever they are together. He however has called twice since he left for the night shift, texted me about 5 times, and told me quote that he's going to need a lot of support before he gets over what I said. 

This sucks. He's going to be super needy and panicky now for weeks if not months. I feel like I completely screwed everything up by letting my anger totally get the best of me for what has to be only the second or third time in our 7 years.  Feel free to tell me I'm a horrible stupid wife. I know...this kind of thing would be better suited for a blog. :[

If you read this all the way through and have some constructive advice or just want to commiserate with me ...here have a warm gooey cookie

 

 


TTC since March of 2012
Testing Begins 3/5/13
SA #1 3/15/13=super low count, low motility and low morphology
7dpo & cd3 bloodwork= Normal
Dh dx'd with diabetes
Waiting to repeat SA

 
12-07-2012 at 11:03 PM
hqinmd
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Um... I don't really know what you're looking for, but everyone fights sometimes. It sounds like you both got overly dramatic but if you talked things out, that's probably the best you could have done. GL.

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12-07-2012 at 11:09 PM
nlscroggin...
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blah! I hate fighting. I hope y'all can talk it out. chalk it up to hormones and apologize in the morning. well, if you're sorry that is lol. good luck! and thanks for the cookie!


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12-07-2012 at 11:10 PM
Cindal
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I'm not really looking for anything I guess. Just needed a place to vent.

TTC since March of 2012
Testing Begins 3/5/13
SA #1 3/15/13=super low count, low motility and low morphology
7dpo & cd3 bloodwork= Normal
Dh dx'd with diabetes
Waiting to repeat SA

 
12-07-2012 at 11:15 PM
lamo1210
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dahfaq did I just read? 

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12-07-2012 at 11:15 PM
Lue94
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DH got mad with me when I patted his bum in public. I mean super dooper mad. I just told him that I was sorry and let him get over it. DH and I hardly ever argue so if he gets mad with me, I am a mess also, but my advice to you is to just chill. Married people argue. Nbd.

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12-07-2012 at 11:15 PM
wearebirds
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All there is to do is say you didn't mean what you said about leaving and move on. But there has to be a point where he doesn't bring this up in argument later.

Good luck. I hate fighting with DH.

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12-07-2012 at 11:21 PM
Cindal
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Lue94:
DH got mad with me when I patted his bum in public. I mean super dooper mad. I just told him that I was sorry and let him get over it. DH and I hardly ever argue so if he gets mad with me, I am a mess also, but my advice to you is to just chill. Married people argue. Nbd.

It's kinda cool to know my DH isn't the only one who has freaked out about this. I know married people argue I always thought of it as a healthy way to work through problems instead of letting them all get bottled up inside. He doesn't look it at that way and I'm so not looking forward to the weirdness that will inevitably follow.


TTC since March of 2012
Testing Begins 3/5/13
SA #1 3/15/13=super low count, low motility and low morphology
7dpo & cd3 bloodwork= Normal
Dh dx'd with diabetes
Waiting to repeat SA

 
12-07-2012 at 11:45 PM
ColeRose
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Cindal:

I know...this kind of thing would be better suited for a blog.

You said it.


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12-07-2012 at 11:48 PM
Lesley0228
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Sometimes people fight. Even married people who love each other a lot. You talk about it, apologize as necessary and move on. I know I've said things to DH that I didn't mean and he's done the same to me. We're both get some space to calm down, talk it out and it's squashed kind of people. I can't understand why you think he would be super panicky and needy for weeks or even months now. If you're temper has flared only a couple times in 7 years, that doesn't sound bad to me. Why do you think he can't easily move on from something like this?

Matilda Johanna 6/19/09  
12-07-2012 at 11:51 PM
Cindal
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ColeRose:
Cindal:

I know...this kind of thing would be better suited for a blog.

You said it.

Yep, but I don't have one and usually don't have stuff like this that needs posting on a regular basis so I'm imposing on TB world for once.


TTC since March of 2012
Testing Begins 3/5/13
SA #1 3/15/13=super low count, low motility and low morphology
7dpo & cd3 bloodwork= Normal
Dh dx'd with diabetes
Waiting to repeat SA

 
12-07-2012 at 11:56 PM
Cindal
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Lesley0228:
Sometimes people fight. Even married people who love each other a lot. You talk about it, apologize as necessary and move on. I know I've said things to DH that I didn't mean and he's done the same to me. We're both get some space to calm down, talk it out and it's squashed kind of people. I can't understand why you think he would be super panicky and needy for weeks or even months now. If you're temper has flared only a couple times in 7 years, that doesn't sound bad to me. Why do you think he can't easily move on from something like this?

Because historically any time we have a small argument he gets like that. I'm imagining how much worse it will be since I actually said something bad this time. He's the kind of guy where if he has a nightmare about something happening bad in our relationship he freaks out for days and sulks. And that's just a nightmare. He's rather insecure due to, I think, some of his past relationships.


TTC since March of 2012
Testing Begins 3/5/13
SA #1 3/15/13=super low count, low motility and low morphology
7dpo & cd3 bloodwork= Normal
Dh dx'd with diabetes
Waiting to repeat SA

 
12-07-2012 at 11:59 PM
CooneyGirl
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You aren't a bad wife or person.

Somtimes we flcuk up. You made it about forever when for him it was about a moment. I have done it too.

But this shlit was stuff that you two eventually would have encountered for one reason or another you just forced the issue.

Now you can begin to deal with it and get beyond it as a stronger couple.

Hang in there in the time that he relies on you more or "is needy."

HTH and GL.

TTC since July 2012 BFP Dec 11 2012 - EDD Aug 27 2012 - CP Dec 15 2012  
12-08-2012 at 12:04 AM
lamo1210
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Cindal:

Lesley0228:
Sometimes people fight. Even married people who love each other a lot. You talk about it, apologize as necessary and move on. I know I've said things to DH that I didn't mean and he's done the same to me. We're both get some space to calm down, talk it out and it's squashed kind of people. I can't understand why you think he would be super panicky and needy for weeks or even months now. If you're temper has flared only a couple times in 7 years, that doesn't sound bad to me. Why do you think he can't easily move on from something like this?

Because historically any time we have a small argument he gets like that. I'm imagining how much worse it will be since I actually said something bad this time. He's the kind of guy where if he has a nightmare about something happening bad in our relationship he freaks out for days and sulks. And that's just a nightmare. He's rather insecure due to, I think, some of his past relationships.

What exactly did you say? 


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Married 12.10.11 - - TTC since 1.2012 - - DH:23 ME:24
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12-08-2012 at 12:13 AM
Cindal
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lamo1210:

What exactly did you say? 

Pretty much exactly what I wrote...That if he ever walked off and left me like that again that I was going to leave too and I wasn't going to come back. That if I wasn't worth sticking around and trying to work things out instead of just running away anytime he's angry, that I wasn't sure I was willing to keep working on it on my own anymore.  And then of course because I was already past the breaking point I brought up every little stupid nit picky thing that's happened in the past month.

To me walking away from me in this situation was like walking away from us. I tried to get him to come back to me, to finish shopping, and told him that we'd talk it out like reasonable mature adults when we got out of the store. He didn't go for it, and just kept walking.


TTC since March of 2012
Testing Begins 3/5/13
SA #1 3/15/13=super low count, low motility and low morphology
7dpo & cd3 bloodwork= Normal
Dh dx'd with diabetes
Waiting to repeat SA

 
12-08-2012 at 12:15 AM
wearebirds
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lamo1210:
Cindal:

Lesley0228:
Sometimes people fight. Even married people who love each other a lot. You talk about it, apologize as necessary and move on. I know I've said things to DH that I didn't mean and he's done the same to me. We're both get some space to calm down, talk it out and it's squashed kind of people. I can't understand why you think he would be super panicky and needy for weeks or even months now. If you're temper has flared only a couple times in 7 years, that doesn't sound bad to me. Why do you think he can't easily move on from something like this?

Because historically any time we have a small argument he gets like that. I'm imagining how much worse it will be since I actually said something bad this time. He's the kind of guy where if he has a nightmare about something happening bad in our relationship he freaks out for days and sulks. And that's just a nightmare. He's rather insecure due to, I think, some of his past relationships.

What exactly did you say? 



Copied from OP :

' I shouted and screamed and just flipped out and told him that the next time he walked off and left me like that, that I was going to leave too... forever. That I was tired of him not making an effort to fix the problem when he got angry. And that if he was going to give up, then maybe I was going to just give up too.'

Anniversary My Ovulation Chart Married: 10.01.2011 Me: 26 DH: 27 BFP: 11.10.12 C/P: 11.12.12 CD3 BW: Normal HSG: All Clear! SA: Perfect 
12-08-2012 at 12:19 AM
Lesley0228
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lamo1210:
Cindal:

Lesley0228:
Sometimes people fight. Even married people who love each other a lot. You talk about it, apologize as necessary and move on. I know I've said things to DH that I didn't mean and he's done the same to me. We're both get some space to calm down, talk it out and it's squashed kind of people. I can't understand why you think he would be super panicky and needy for weeks or even months now. If you're temper has flared only a couple times in 7 years, that doesn't sound bad to me. Why do you think he can't easily move on from something like this?

Because historically any time we have a small argument he gets like that. I'm imagining how much worse it will be since I actually said something bad this time. He's the kind of guy where if he has a nightmare about something happening bad in our relationship he freaks out for days and sulks. And that's just a nightmare. He's rather insecure due to, I think, some of his past relationships.

What exactly did you say? 

Yeah, I'm curious about this too. His response just seems over the top. People mess up and say things they don't mean. Does he have anxiety issues? Is he able to recognize that while he's feelings seem legitimate to him they may be over the top? Even his initial response to the butt smack seems over the top to me. I'm not trying to bad talk your DH, lord knows my DH is over the top sometimes too, but from what you've said so far nothing you've done has deserved this kind of response. And you don't seem like a bad wife at all. You seem genuinely concerned about your husbands feelings. We all say things we don't mean sometimes, but I think you guys need to find a healthy way to move on from this. And dragging it on for weeks isn't healthy for either of you.  


Matilda Johanna 6/19/09  
12-08-2012 at 12:23 AM
Krisands
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Ahh people fight he needs to suck it up and get over it. A bum tap is hardly something to get worked up about. He needs to get over his past issues. Good luck hope the disagreement ends soon.
 
12-08-2012 at 12:27 AM
Cindal
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Lesley0228:

Yeah, I'm curious about this too. His response just seems over the top. People mess up and say things they don't mean. Does he have anxiety issues? Is he able to recognize that while he's feelings seem legitimate to him they may be over the top? Even his initial response to the butt smack seems over the top to me. I'm not trying to bad talk your DH, lord knows my DH is over the top sometimes too, but from what you've said so far nothing you've done has deserved this kind of response. And you don't seem like a bad wife at all. You seem genuinely concerned about your husbands feelings. We all say things we don't mean sometimes, but I think you guys need to find a healthy way to move on from this. And dragging it on for weeks isn't healthy for either of you.  

He does have some insecurity issues and I knew that which is why I feel like I screwed up by saying something that I knew would hit a vein. He's an extremely sensitive guy which is something I'm not used to. He was the first guy I ever saw cry because in my family guys don't cry, heck girls aren't supposed to cry either.  I think the over reaction to the butt swatt has to do with his childhood. His dad was abusive to his mother and he has a thing about hitting. I made sure my dad and brother no longer play fight with me when he's around so that it wouldn't bother him but I guess I didn't realize how deep it went until today.

 


TTC since March of 2012
Testing Begins 3/5/13
SA #1 3/15/13=super low count, low motility and low morphology
7dpo & cd3 bloodwork= Normal
Dh dx'd with diabetes
Waiting to repeat SA

 
12-08-2012 at 12:27 AM
Lesley0228
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Cindal:
lamo1210:

What exactly did you say? 

Pretty much exactly what I wrote...That if he ever walked off and left me like that again that I was going to leave too and I wasn't going to come back. That if I wasn't worth sticking around and trying to work things out instead of just running away anytime he's angry, that I wasn't sure I was willing to keep working on it on my own anymore.  And then of course because I was already past the breaking point I brought up every little stupid nit picky thing that's happened in the past month.

To me walking away from me in this situation was like walking away from us. I tried to get him to come back to me, to finish shopping, and told him that we'd talk it out like reasonable mature adults when we got out of the store. He didn't go for it, and just kept walking.

I'm a slow typer I guess because I see now you've already responded. I'm a big supporter of walking away when you're pissed off because it keeps you from saying stuff you don't mean. A few minutes alone to regroup and review usually makes you realize that you don't want to say the things you thought you wanted to say. But like you said, you've had a couple episodes like this in 7 years. You're not a bad wife, it happens. I've found over the years that DH and I have gotten better at working through this stuff. Honestly, I'm tired and stressed and say things I don't mean way more often then I should. Hopefully you guys can have a good talk tomorrow once things have calmed down, clear the water a little and move on. Good luck to you! 


Matilda Johanna 6/19/09  
12-08-2012 at 12:37 AM
Lesley0228
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Cindal:
Lesley0228:

Yeah, I'm curious about this too. His response just seems over the top. People mess up and say things they don't mean. Does he have anxiety issues? Is he able to recognize that while he's feelings seem legitimate to him they may be over the top? Even his initial response to the butt smack seems over the top to me. I'm not trying to bad talk your DH, lord knows my DH is over the top sometimes too, but from what you've said so far nothing you've done has deserved this kind of response. And you don't seem like a bad wife at all. You seem genuinely concerned about your husbands feelings. We all say things we don't mean sometimes, but I think you guys need to find a healthy way to move on from this. And dragging it on for weeks isn't healthy for either of you.  

He does have some insecurity issues and I knew that which is why I feel like I screwed up by saying something that I knew would hit a vein. He's an extremely sensitive guy which is something I'm not used to. He was the first guy I ever saw cry because in my family guys don't cry, heck girls aren't supposed to cry either.  I think the over reaction to the butt swatt has to do with his childhood. His dad was abusive to his mother and he has a thing about hitting. I made sure my dad and brother no longer play fight with me when he's around so that it wouldn't bother him but I guess I didn't realize how deep it went until today.

 

I can understand that. My DH has anxiety issues (fortunately he takes medication) and issues of childhood abuse, so we're been through some of this. Fortunately for me, my DH is a talker and we've been able to talk through a lot of this stuff and it helps both of us when he is able to recognize that his response may be over the top. I try to respond with understanding but also don't let him get away with his inappropriate behavior and things have gotten better. Again, I hope you guys are able to talk things out and move on. Good luck to you guys! 


Matilda Johanna 6/19/09  
12-08-2012 at 6:07 AM
peanut+mus...
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I mean this in the nicest, most helpful way: you created this situation knowing that your husband has anxiety and insecurity issues, so now you kind of have to suck it up and deal with it.

Admittedly, it sounds like he overreacted to the butt swat. But to be honest, it sounds you also overreacted to everything else.

My husband has anxiety issues too. He does this same sort of thing, where he gets all worried about a problem that doesn't really exist -- including getting moody over a nightmare. It's definitely a pain. But I don't make it worse by telling him that I would leave him, even in the worst of arguments. If you don't really intend to do that, then don't use it as a threat. Period. 





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12-08-2012 at 6:34 AM
CharmedBAc...
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peanutmuse:
I mean this in the nicest, most helpful way: you created this situation knowing that your husband has anxiety and insecurity issues, so now you kind of have to suck it up and deal with it. Admittedly, it sounds like he overreacted to the butt swat. But to be honest, it sounds you also overreacted to everything else. My husband has anxiety issues too. He does this same sort of thing, where he gets all worried about a problem that doesn't really exist including getting moody over a nightmare. It's definitely a pain. But I don't make it worse by telling him that I would leave him, even in the worst of arguments. If you don't really intend to do that, then don't use it as a threat. Period.nbsp;


I'm going to try and bold the parts I agree with but just in case it does t work, I agree with everything peanut said minus personal stuff with her DH :D

You guys seriously need to work on the communication in your relationship. You also need to stay away from hot button triggers, just to get a response.

Now, DH and I fight every once and a while. It's a lot more rare since we stopped "fighting dirty" and stopped nit picking every little thing that annoyed us. We talk stuff out more often even if it's uncomfortable.
In reference to walking away. We walk away from each other but we tell each other that we need a few minutes or I need a shower etc, so the other person can process what's going on and why. We do not hang up on each other and we avoid arguing on texts. That has also helped.

Good luck.

Ps. My husband gets butt smacks all the time. And vice versa. I went to give him one the other night and accidentally thumped him in the balls! :/ He was not happy with me. Lol


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12-08-2012 at 6:44 AM
bakes4u
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I'm not good at puppies and rainbows. So here is what I honestly think. You two have some serious issues to work out if a butt swat got your husband all crazy in the grocery store. Obviously there is some underlying issues going on between you two that need some serious working out if some playful butt swat is going to send him over the edge. The whole fight sounds immature to me and a bit ridiculous on both parts. You need to sit down and have a serious discussion about what's really going on.

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12-08-2012 at 6:47 AM
megaboosmo...
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This sounds like a very insecure relationship. You completely lost it because he was upset and didn't finish the grocery shopping with you? And now it's going to take him "maybe months" to get over something you said in a moment of anger? Nothing about this seems healthy to me. Now you're going to be walking on eggshells for who knows how long because of one stupid moment.
Have you guys considered counseling? It can be very helpful in situations like this, where it's not really serious issues to work through.

 
12-08-2012 at 6:51 AM
katharine2...
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Cindal:
lamo1210:

What exactly did you say? 

Pretty much exactly what I wrote...That if he ever walked off and left me like that again that I was going to leave too and I wasn't going to come back. That if I wasn't worth sticking around and trying to work things out instead of just running away anytime he's angry, that I wasn't sure I was willing to keep working on it on my own anymore.  And then of course because I was already past the breaking point I brought up every little stupid nit picky thing that's happened in the past month.

To me walking away from me in this situation was like walking away from us. I tried to get him to come back to me, to finish shopping, and told him that we'd talk it out like reasonable mature adults when we got out of the store. He didn't go for it, and just kept walking.


I get what you're saying but I think it also sounds like you have some insecurities of your own with the relationship that you need to deal with too, and your creating issues with your DH's insecurities.

Bottom line you did something to him that made him angry [whether that's rational or not isn't actually important ... Sometimes it takes little things to set us off]. He decided rather than arguing in public in the aisle of the grocery store an embarrassing both of you to instead go sit in the car and simmer. It sounds like maybe you are a bit hot headed [i am too, so I don't mean that as an insult] and he made the better choice by not creating a public scene.

To say you're going to leave him forever because he walked away to cool down is over reactive and does little for his own faith and security in the relationship.

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12-08-2012 at 6:59 AM
spacepotat...
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peanut+muse:

I mean this in the nicest, most helpful way: you created this situation knowing that your husband has anxiety and insecurity issues, so now you kind of have to suck it up and deal with it.

Admittedly, it sounds like he overreacted to the butt swat. But to be honest, it sounds you also overreacted to everything else.

My husband has anxiety issues too. He does this same sort of thing, where he gets all worried about a problem that doesn't really exist -- including getting moody over a nightmare. It's definitely a pain. But I don't make it worse by telling him that I would leave him, even in the worst of arguments. If you don't really intend to do that, then don't use it as a threat. Period. 

I agree with all of this. My husband doesn't have anxiety issues but I'd still never threaten to leave him during an argument. I totally get saying things out of anger/frustration in the heat of the moment but there has to be a line somewhere and for us, that kind of thing would be way over the line.

I do hope that with a bit of time, he'll come around and you can get things back on track. The suggestion of counselling may not be a bad idea. If he's got unresolved issues from his childhood that are affecting your relationship and are causing these overreactions to minor things, they should be dealt with. This dynamic isn't healthy for either of you in the long run.

12-08-2012 at 7:27 AM
L&R70707
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Cindal:
He does have some insecurity issues and I knew that which is why I feel like I screwed up by saying something that I knew would hit a vein. He's an extremely sensitive guy which is something I'm not used to. He was the first guy I ever saw cry because in my family guys don't cry, heck girls aren't supposed to cry either.  I think the over reaction to the butt swatt has to do with his childhood. His dad was abusive to his mother and he has a thing about hitting. I made sure my dad and brother no longer play fight with me when he's around so that it wouldn't bother him but I guess I didn't realize how deep it went until today.

 

You've been together 7 years...that excuse doesn't fly anymore.  Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it seems the whole leaving comment was a result of long term failure to communicate through disagreements together.  If you didn't mean it at all, I'm sure you know you need to work on that.  If there was some truth behind it, I would highly suggest working on things and getting to a better place before having a child.  If he has insecurity issues now, an infant will really test things.




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12-08-2012 at 8:20 AM
krystlelyn...
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There is a DVD series called Love and Respect. You should look into watching it together. Its something we had to watch in marriage counseling..it was very entertaining but also we both learned things we knew happened but couldn't explain and understanding why the other does this or that helps us to not get so angry anymore. PM me if you have any questions and please please look into it!


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12-08-2012 at 8:37 AM
Twinkie061...
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Have you thought about counseling?  If little arguments turn into screaming matches and end with someone leaving/threatening to leave, it sounds like there are bigger issues going on that aren't being addressed.  

It's great that you have agreed to work on issues on your own, but I have been through this and counseling can make a huge difference.  My husband went to individual counseling for anger issues and led to him being diagnosed with anxiety and depression.  He was put on antidepressants and they changed his life.  We also went to marriage counseling, which really helped give us tools to communicate better and work through disagreements.





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