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12-09-2012 at 2:00 PM
kmornelas2...
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kmornelas29 is not online. Last active: 05-18-2013, 11:58 PMNewbie

When input is not wanted....

I never "vent" on these message boards, but I am getting really tired of unasked for advice by so many people physically present in my life. I am not talking about this community at all! I love the advice here! 

Recently, I went out to dinner with my husband and his parents, and my MIL has a comment about everything that we do. We get along really well and I like his parents A LOT, but lately I am getting tired of all her "knowledge" and "input" and every detail of my pregnancy.

My husband told her that we were taking bradley method classes, and she told me what a waste they are, that I don't need them, and that the nurses will tell me what to do. I explained that I know for myself it will be useful, because of how I am when I am in pain, and I think it will be beneficial. Not to mention, I want a natural childbirth and she had the epidural. She said its too expensive, so I said my mom offered to pay for us as gift. She just smirked.

Then, my husband told her that I don't want any extended family visiting from the hospital, only immediate. For example, both our parents and siblings. She told me not to worry about it, because I will be in and out of the hospital in the same day, because thats how the insurance is.

Number one, we don't even have the same insurance. Number two, she doesnt work in the medical field. Number three, the last time she had a child was 24 years ago, and I explained that I already talked to the hospital and a minimum of a one night stay is regulation for that hospital. She still wouldn't listen.

This is the woman that asked me how they can tell the gender of the baby when it is still inside of me. Heard of an ultrasound? I know they didn't do them as often 20 years ago, but stay current with the times!  

Then, she said family could come visit after birth, and after I said its a time for only us to bond with baby, and I prefer not a lot of people to be around baby when she is first born, she gave me another weird look. I got annoyed and said that I was making it clear to the nursing staff that no visitors will be allowed to visit, and a list with acceptable people will be allowed back, which is an option at my hospital.

I am of the belief that an infant should not be taken into super public places until at least 3 months, hands need to be washed before holding baby, and limited visitors are appreciated. I know not all people are, but my pregnancy, my child. My DH shares my beliefs.  

 She keeps trying to disprove everything that I say. This is OUR child NOT hers. Then, we came over with a free play yard and tons of toys my sister gave her, so when the baby comes out she has stuff for when she watches her, and she was like its too early for all this stuff. Um.....the baby will be here in 3 months? Does she want me to re-bring it to her the day i'm in labor? She ended up storing it in the garage. 

Besides just her, every single person I meet that has ever had a child feels the need to tell me about their experience and what my child will want, just because thats what their child wanted. I ignore the advice and pretend to listen, but its really getting annoying. I know i wont get much sleep, i know my life is about to change, i know i will be busy, i know labor will hurt, etc.

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

anyone else experience these unwanted comments?

I'm sure its all done with good intentions, or maybe im hormonal, but I can't stand it anymore. Let me have my own experience! ERRRRR..... 


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12-09-2012 at 2:04 PM
RussianMom...
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LOL @ the gender part. someone asked me if I was "positive" I was having a boy, as if I just MADE IT UP! I was like "well, that's what the ULTRASOUND showed"

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12-09-2012 at 2:05 PM
kmornelas2...
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RussianMommy:
LOL @ the gender part. someone asked me if I was "positive" I was having a boy, as if I just MADE IT UP! I was like "well, that's what the ULTRASOUND showed"

love this. lol 


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12-09-2012 at 2:08 PM
MollusksWr...
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Sorry but you'll have to get used to it and learn to brush it off. The unsolicited advice doesn't stop once the baby is here, it may get worse.

I already have a daughter and people still tell me stuff.

ETA sorry that sounds cold, not how I meant it. It sucks but people can't seem to help themselves.
 
12-09-2012 at 2:09 PM
skio
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She's sounds like a pain in the ass. And she's not going to stop being that way. I'd stop arguing with her...stop telling her your plans. If she asks you something about your plans, tell her you're undecided. If she offers advice or her opinion when it wasn't asked for, calmly change the subject or leave the room.

She's wrong about the Bradley classes. If you plan to go unmedicated, you absolutely will need a coping mechanism. It's good that you have these plans in place.



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12-09-2012 at 2:19 PM
kmornelas2...
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MollusksWrangler:
Sorry but you'll have to get used to it and learn to brush it off. The unsolicited advice doesn't stop once the baby is here, it may get worse. I already have a daughter and people still tell me stuff. ETA sorry that sounds cold, not how I meant it. It sucks but people can't seem to help themselves.

I guess I will have to get use to it. It must be an instinct in woman. Now that I know how it feels, I'll just have to always watch myself that I am not doing that to someone else! lol  


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12-09-2012 at 2:22 PM
kmornelas2...
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skio:
She's sounds like a pain in the ass. And she's not going to stop being that way. I'd stop arguing with her...stop telling her your plans. If she asks you something about your plans, tell her you're undecided. If she offers advice or her opinion when it wasn't asked for, calmly change the subject or leave the room. She's wrong about the Bradley classes. If you plan to go unmedicated, you absolutely will need a coping mechanism. It's good that you have these plans in place.

Good advice. I think I will stop telling her my plans for the birth. She has her views, I have mine, and she won't listen to mine! lol

I am glad to hear from someone else that the classes are needed, especially when the plan is to go unmedicated!  


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12-09-2012 at 3:12 PM
JenS2203
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skio:
She's sounds like a pain in the ass. And she's not going to stop being that way. I'd stop arguing with her...stop telling her your plans. If she asks you something about your plans, tell her you're undecided. If she offers advice or her opinion when it wasn't asked for, calmly change the subject or leave the room. She's wrong about the Bradley classes. If you plan to go unmedicated, you absolutely will need a coping mechanism. It's good that you have these plans in place.

This exactly.

As for everyone you run into giving advice, it's good to learn to ignore it. I have two kids and people constantly tell me "You'll see" or "Just wait" because this one is a boy. Will things be different? Absolutely. I think people really feel good when they offer advice to soon to be moms, or new moms, etc. I try to smile and nod and change the subject. Good luck!


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12-09-2012 at 3:27 PM
hoopduck
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That must be very frustrating to deal with, she sounds like a bit of a one-upper. I hope you are able to find a way to ignore her successfully, all the smirking and 'you'll see' advice would drive me batty. I've told a handful of people so far, and already I'm getting lame advice and outdated 'you need to do this, because I did that 30 years ago". I shudder to think what I will hear after the big Christmas reveal to the rest of our family... -_-

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12-09-2012 at 3:29 PM
lindseybel...
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It won't change after you have the baby either.  I think it's just a way for (especially older women) to be able to re-live what they remember of their own experiences.  Just don't overshare and try not to be defensive.  You'll just have to learn to let most things roll off your back, pretend to listen and then do whatever you want.

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12-09-2012 at 3:32 PM
HK2mom4
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I have an aunt who is the world's authority on child birth (not having given birth herself) and most everything else about children. So I like what others said ... as things do not really improve or get better as their advice goes! I'm on my fifth and according to some family members; still don't know anything. So I just let them talk then sometimes say "I'll take what you said - putting it in my filing cabinet (mind that is) to retrieve later as needed!" Thanks

One poster mentioned the Bradley method classes you're taking as necessary on this I agree whole heartily! If you plan going natural it does help. I had the epidural with my first since everyone kept saying that was the only way to go! On the next three I went for an all-natural child birth having no problems on any of them! I plan on this one going for an all-natural too!

GL on whatever you decide - it's your chose!


 
12-09-2012 at 3:59 PM
asibilrud
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I totally get your frustration. Unfortunately, you now joined the mommy club in which you will experience a lifetime of unwanted advice...

 
12-09-2012 at 4:01 PM
NeinerBopp...
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OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going through the EXACT same thing- with all of the topics you mentioned! AND- especially about every woman that has had a baby has to share her experience- yikes!

Best advice: Let your husband stand up for you. Mine did & most of the banter stopped. Now, I don't let anyone be snarky with me- We just put them in their place and let them know how it's going to be. 

Don't look back & have this be the memory of your pregnancy. It's a waste of time & energy!  

Congrats to you & Merry Christmas!!! Big Smile

 
12-09-2012 at 4:57 PM
LaineyPane...
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Let DH set the boundaries with her since it is HIS mother....but FYI: this is JUST the beginning. If you think that she's going to watch your child at her house and adhere to what you typically do for your child---think again. Those boundaries will have to be reiterated when the baby's here.

Good luck!


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12-09-2012 at 5:05 PM
soaringflu...
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I think you need to set boundaries with her now.  She doesn't sound like she's going to stop giving advice after your baby is born either.  I was told to ignore advice given from people over the age of 50 because what they experienced in childbirth/pregnancy has changed so much (even if it's just been 10 years).  If I were you, I'd not engage her when she talks.  Change the subject or ignore her, or if you can, go to another part of the room.  But then that's my advice, and I know how much you love that!  :)
 
12-09-2012 at 5:19 PM
JenS2203
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lindseybell3:
It won't change after you have the baby either.  I think it's just a way for (especially older women) to be able to re-live what they remember of their own experiences.  Just don't overshare and try not to be defensive.  You'll just have to learn to let most things roll off your back, pretend to listen and then do whatever you want.

Well said Smile


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12-09-2012 at 8:29 PM
kari5186
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First, the next time she opens her mouth to talk about something she doesn't know, I'd kindly say, "That's great.  I'm glad you were able to do things the way you wanted to when you had your babies.  Times have changed and this is MY baby, so I will be handling the situation as I, the baby's mother, see fit."  

Second, stop telling her any of your plans.  If she asks, be evasive.  If she brings up some old news to rehash with you, tell her "it's not up for discussion, but thanks."  

Your DH should support you 100% on this and he should stop giving details to his mom.  Sorry you're having to go through this.  Setting boundaries now is important. 


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12-10-2012 at 9:47 AM
SouthSideD...
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I disagree about getting used to it, I think you need to nip that shlt in the bud or this is going to be the way the REST of your life will go with her. I love my mom and my MIL but I put a stop the unsolicited advice and the mother knows best stuff when I was pregnant and my life is better for it. I try to let them both know how much I value them and their experience, but we are making the parenting decisions and that our decisions may be different from theirs. I told them that I'd be happy to answer questions and provide info if they want it, but that this is not a democracy. I do let little stuff go, but I don't think a lot of the things you ennumerated above are little things. Stick to your guns.

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12-10-2012 at 9:48 AM
highlights
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LaineyPaney:

Let DH set the boundaries with her since it is HIS mother....but FYI: this is JUST the beginning. If you think that she's going to watch your child at her house and adhere to what you typically do for your child---think again. Those boundaries will have to be reiterated when the baby's here.

Good luck!

 

Yup. Your husband shuts this down. You don't say a thing.


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12-10-2012 at 9:50 AM
kimberly.d...
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My MIL does the same thing but on the other ends of the spectrum. I happen to be open to the idea of an epidural and she keeps telling me that knowing that every contraction will get me closer to the baby should be enough to get me through the pain. 

My mother gave me the best advice for dealing with unsolicited labor advice: smile, nod, and lie if you have to. She won't be in the delivery room with you. You and your partner are the only ones who have to know what really happened. It's like politics and religion: everyone has their view and you will never be able to convince anyone that you are right and they are wrong.

As for the guests, they whole smile, nod, and lie thing doesn't work so well.  Good luck. Stick to your guns.

On the gender issue, my poor dad is at the other end of the spectrum. As soon as I found out that I was pregnant (and was only 5 weeks), he asked if I knew whether it was a boy or girl. :) I thought it was cute. 

 
12-10-2012 at 10:50 AM
flerlgirl
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Um, yes. I have dealt with this, too. I don't know why people suddenly think they are all medical experts when it comes to giving advice to pregnant people. After I ate a pixie stick at work recently, a coworker EMAILED ME to tell me how much I was hurting my baby. Girl, please. Until I see "M.D." after your nametag at work I will be ignoring you. 

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12-10-2012 at 12:07 PM
HoolahZing...
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It might be good to sit them down sometime and tell them that, though you appreciate their experience, you would like have less input and allow you and DH to learn how to parent in your own style. Still, there are so many people that are going to be giving you advice even when you don't want it...bet money on that one. You just need to grin and bare it or come with a quick way to steer the conversation to something else. The comments are still inevitable. 


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12-18-2012 at 4:14 PM
nyki06
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I think this was way worse when I was pregnant with my first. I was planning a natural home birth, cloth diapering, and breastfeeding which were all very shocking to my family. I had to muster up self confidence and plow through everyone telling me that all of my plans would fail. I also didn't go around telling everyone I saw what my plans were (even though I was completely entitled to do that) because I just didn't want to deal with the crap they would give me. We don't tell family our baby name choices for the same reason, their opinion would probably just offend me and I don't want to deal with it. 

 During the beginning of parenting people would give me advice, but as Zoe got older that died down a lot and now I don't really hear much at all. This pregnancy has been the same. Power through!  


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12-18-2012 at 4:32 PM
JaimeCH
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Ugh. Sorry you are going through that with her! She sounds like a real gem.

I think it is very important to take some form of birthing classes that will teach you coping mechanisms for an unmedicated birth. It isn't like you go straight to the hospital after your first contraction! I labored for 2 days at home with a "sunny side up" baby before being admitted, and if I didn't learn how to cope with those contractions I don't know how I would have made it through.


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12-18-2012 at 5:28 PM
PipSqueak0...
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Dh's response to unwanted advice: "I'll give that the consideration it deserves."  Which is often the time it takes to hear it.

I agree with pp's that have said that childbirth classes are needed and not a waste of time/money -- especially for first timers.  Even if knowing what is to come is all that is learned, it helps ease the fear of the unknown which can make labor harder.

I had my first almost 21 years ago and I know a lot has changed since then. Car seats have changed - bases to leave in the car were just coming out around the time my second was born and they were an expensive option and the LATCH system came out about the time my ds outgrew booster seats.  So now I feel like a first time mom trying to learn all these new things at the same time that I have all this experience with 2 kids. 

Oh, a great response to the people that tell you "THIS worked for X therefore, you need to be doing THIS as well."  is to respond with "I'm glad it worked for X, however, A is not X, so I will do what works for A."

 
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