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12-14-2012 at 3:20 AM
kittymewme...
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kittymewmew is not online. Last active: 12-14-2012, 7:00 PMNewbie

Tackiness and rant... :(

SIL is throwing us a shower soon. Which I was totally cool with, and I was really excited about it at first. Now that things are in motion, I'm starting to get uncomfortable about it.

Initially, it was going to be a small thing with family members who would be in town for Christmas.  When she asked if she should invite the family members who live across the country, I said maybe it wasn't a good idea because we know they wouldn't be able to come. She thought that it was a good way to "sneakily give them our registry info for gifts!", not so much that it'd potentially hurt someone's feelings by not being included. Which was what I was more concerned about at the time, before I really started thinking about how bad it looked. 

Maybe I'm missing the point that it's supposed to be a 'shower', but I feel like it's tacky to knowingly inviting people just so they can get our registry info to send presents.  Am I wrong?  Maybe since it's family, it's not so bad, but I still feel awkward about it. I don't want people to think it's just a gift grab. :( 

To top it off, apparently SIL's family (mom/sister/*her* SIL) and DH's aunt's in-laws have been invited since they will be in town as well. I hardly know any of these people, if at all. :(  

Also, at work, one of the professors in my department is pregnant and due around the same time as I am. About a week ago, we all get this e-mail  inviting us to her baby shower and for everyone to come and bring diapers and a present. (For her 2nd baby, and a dual professor income family at that.)  

Thing is, the woman sending out the invites, sent them to EVERYONE in the department (150+,  that's including the staff/faculty/the grad students).  Seems SO freaking tacky, and I know a bunch of people were taken aback by it. From what I heard, the prof didn't even want the shower, but the woman forced her way into doing it. (Awkward.) 

 I work directly with this woman on a daily basis, so she knows me pretty well, knows what's going on with things. (Even if I don't want her to know, she's so flippin' nosey.)  

While I was in the office making copies of stuff, someone was in the other room asking her if they were throwing us one. All I heard her say was "Why would I do that? They have people to do that for them."   If anything, I thought that was rude to say while I was within earshot. :( 

Non-preggo hormone me wouldn't care and wouldn't want all the fuss, but I still ended up crying about it!   Thing is, honestly, I don't want that woman throwing us a shower...it'd be a mess and all about her anyway. 

Is it weird that I'm getting upset about these things? I feel like I'm losing my sanity sometimes by how much little tiny things get to me all of a sudden. :( 

  
 
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12-14-2012 at 6:01 AM
EastCoastB...
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I agree that family that you aren't very close to and who live far away shouldnt be invited. Most people aren't going to travel for a shower and I do see it as a gift grab to invite them. It's a shower, not a wedding.
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12-14-2012 at 7:44 AM
cmhicklin
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Just say no to the out of town family. I think one thing you have say inks the guest list. Also, I don't know if you want advice about the other situation.... Get the professor a gift if you know her and like her. It doesn't matter about her income or the horrible lady throwing the shower. 
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12-14-2012 at 8:26 AM
MelRC117
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For the out of town family that knowingly wouldn't come I would agree shouldn't be invited.  If I was close enough to you (friend or family) and we were long distance, I would send a gift regardless if I was invited to the shower or not. 
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12-14-2012 at 10:23 AM
ShadyKull
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I agree that friends/family who live really far away shouldn't be invited, especially if it just to get more gifts. You should definitely have say over that part of the guest list.

I don't think there is much you can do about your SIL inviting her own guests. My MIL is throwing my shower and is doing the same thing (inviting people she knows or works with, that I have never even met). Yes, it definitely bothers me, but I can't tell her to not invite them. So, I have decided to just let it go and chill and deal with that awkwardness when it gets here.

The work shower for that professor does sound very tacky, but it's not for you to worry about. Go/give a gift if you want to and be thankful you aren't the guest of honor at it.

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12-14-2012 at 10:38 AM
happylady5
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DH has family that lives 5-6 hours away and they're still getting a shower invitation.  He wants them to feel included and to show that he loves them enough to want them there, if they choose to be.  We're not expecting them to come, but leaving that up to them to decide. 

And my situation is a little different since I work in Human Resources and know every single employee in our office well, but I'm inviting everybody to my work shower.  If they don't want to come then they won't.  No big deal.
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12-14-2012 at 11:12 AM
MBush4
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First off, you're pregnant, so I don't blame you. Things that would normally not irritate me drive me crazy. And it varies from day to day. So don't worry. It was rude, but some people are like that.

As for the "invite family even though you KNOW they won't come" thing, I hear you loud and clear! DH's extended family is ALL out west where I went to school. I met them my last semester there when he came out to visit and they threw a party they invited us to, not a whole lot of face-to-face interaction. Nothing against them, they're pretty nice people. But we get invitations to all of the many parties the family throws, especially baby showers with registry information on a separate card so it can't be mistaken. I feels very gift grabby and a bit odd when they send us invitations to things that they know we can't attend. I mean, a wedding invitation is one thing; baby showers, house warming, Christmas pie party things are a completely different story.

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12-14-2012 at 12:01 PM
Pearls+Oys...
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I feel for you...

My mother is throwing me a shower, and it was supposed to be a secret, a surprise as it always is in my family. SO's family ruined the surprise, which led to fights, and me finding out that my mother was reaching out to people I haven't talked to in YEARS... I never wanted this. I would have been just fine with family and closest friends (those that are currently in the vicinity anyways)... A small shower was what I wanted. I will still get it, because I KNOW those HS & College friends will not come to my shower, and it hurts a tad bit that I now know they were invited and won't make it. Urgh...

I'm grateful for the shower, don't get me wrong... But I have a feeling she went with e-invites, which I would have never done because it is so unpersonal. And I don't understand her thought process for the guest list. And I'm scared of the outcome (huge rented room, no guests coming).

But in the end, I'll just try to smile through the motion and in the end, I'm loving my mother even more for doing this for me. She's sick and über busy this season, and still takes the time to organize a baby shower for her daughter. How amazing is that?
 
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12-14-2012 at 12:24 PM
Disneygeek...
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Honestly, I don't like it when my DH's family sends me invitations for a shower that is halfway across the country, especially if it's for a cousin that I have never seen nor spoken too. Yes,  I do see it as a gift grab and yes they do get the side eye from me.  People are not dumb and if they want to get you something off of your registry they will ask someone where you are registered or research it themselves. 
 
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12-14-2012 at 2:08 PM
rpalen29
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I will be inviting all of my relatives; even if they live a few states away. I might not put our registry info, but probably an invite, and saying hope you can make it, or maybe we'll get together after the baby is here. Regardless if you put your registry info or not' they'll find it somehow online, and if they want to go out of the way and get you a gift, then let them. 
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12-14-2012 at 2:31 PM
rhubarb123
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We invited relatives a couple of states away...but no one was across country.  The furthest anyone traveled was 7 hours (from Canada) but she comes to a lot of our get-togethers and I knew she'd be upset if she didn't get an invite to our shower.  I think sending invites to your family who lives on the other side of the country is definitely reaching. 

As far as a work shower...that woman is not very nice (even if she is coming across like she is doing oh-so-much).  It is probably a good thing SHE doesn't want to have anything to do with a work shower for you.  If someone else doesn't host one then you won't have one but that doesn't mean people won't still give you a gift for your baby.  I didn't have showers for either of my 2nd or 3rd LO and got almost as many gifts for them than I did for the first one (and I had 3 showers while PG with her)!
 
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12-14-2012 at 3:33 PM
BLPL101
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My shower was in CA and I included DH's aunts and cousins who live in Iowa because I wanted them to feel included. I did not invite his half sisters who we rarely talk to though (they live in PA and WV). I think it just depends on your relationship. I hope his family didn't think we were being gift grabby. They just sent one little outfit. I had a friend invite me to her shower (she lives across the country) and it didn't even cross my mind that she may have invited me just for a present. I thought it was really sweet of her to think of me and include me which is why I invited DH's family.

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