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12-15-2012 at 2:24 AM
AmBee2131
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Joined on 12-15-2012
1 Posts
27 Points
AmBee2131 is not online. Last active: 12-15-2012, 4:00 PMNewbie

New Here...and already Venting.

Hi...I'm new here.  And I hate to be a dark storm cloud.  But I just need a place to vent.  Hope that's ok.  I'll do an introduction soon to better explain things.

 I'm 40, and was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure 4 years ago.  I was also told it had "probably" occured when I was 30.  I've sought out treatment and answers...and the experience has been painful, frustrating...sometimes humiliating. 

 My ex-fiance and I split up in the wake of my diagnosis (not because of it...I chose to not be together)  Because I don't have a partner, it seems that people think this is not devastating.  I don't want a pity party.  But it is like a complete non-issue to my family.  I've considered the possibility that they are trying to spare my feelings.  But I don't think that is it.  I have Epilepsy...and it is a lonely difficult illness.  I've spent the past 25 years familiar with awkward pauses and silences regarding my health.   

What I want is an answer...a cure...a baby.  But if that can't happen, I at least want the right to mourn.  If I try to broach the topic, it is always replaced with some family tragedy that is happening.  And those are always, somehow, more important.  My siblings had  children when they were incredibly young, as did their own kids.  There were/are a lot of issues (which I won't mention here), and that was one thing that kept holding me back from having children.  I first wanted to try to mend things...or wait until they weren't as crazy.  Plus, when things got really stressful it would cause problems with my epilepsy.  So the clock was ticking, but I couldn't even hear it over the chaos.   

Having a chronic illness is incredibly difficult and can be very alienating. It also takes bites out of your life.  But it taught me at a young age to appreciate the small things and recognize that which is truly important.  All I've ever really wanted is a family of my own.  Now that I'm allowing myself to feel some of this, it really sucks.  I tried to talk about it a little bit tonight.  I needed my mom just to be "mom-like"...not something that has ever come easily for her.  The few times we've talked about this she either gets mean-spirited, just says get over it, or bursts out crying and makes it about her not having a grand-child.  She has never just said she is sorry that I am going through this...   Is it weird that I need that acknowledged?  Tonight she said, you just need to get over this...maybe take up a new hobby.  I was stunned.  Having a family is not a hobby...and I can't think of one that takes it's place. 

I want to say this:  "I go through my day and no one would know.  I don't cry in public.  I don't acknowledge that nearly everything COULD make me sad if I let it...Christmas Stockings I won't stuff, cupcakes I won't make, presents I won't wrap...witnessing parents having fun with their kids...witnessing bad parents that shouldn't have kids.  I don't acknowledge that I hear 4 different family  members pretty much  only speak of their children in terms of burden and disappointment.  I don't mention that having POF is not just a matter of not having the family that I desperately want.  My body has changed into one that I don't recognize.  My weight went from 100 lbs to 180 in 3 months.  While my girlfriends speak of the joy of their sexual peak, I'm concerned about osteoporosis, heart health and my hair falling out.   I'm ignored by the medical community, in part because I don't have a husband (so they seem to figure I don't need to mend my thyroid/adrenal/ovarian issues)...and in part because they can't figure my case out.  I would absolutely love it if a Doctor had the respect to just look me in the eye and tell me they don't know why.  I would rather they be honest about the lack of knowledge/answers.  After all, they don't seem to have any problem cutting off all hope."

I decided last week that I am not going to spend the holidays with my family this year.  I am going to stay with a friend who can't get home for Christmas.  I know this will still be weighing on my heart, but I've been slow to learn the lesson that I can't change the chaos.  And I think I hung in too long trying...and I changed the course of my life, in a really regretable way.  I will be spending Christmas with a friend of mine, who can't get home for the holidays. We are going to be doing some of those things that I would want to do with my own family...traditions, etc.   I think it's the right thing to do.  

 Thanks for reading/"listening".  I figured this might be healthier than eating half a box of cookies.   

 AmBee
 
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12-15-2012 at 8:42 AM
BootsOrHea...
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Joined on 02-25-2012
5,410 Posts
72,830 Points
BootsOrHearts is not online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 4:32 AMSilver

Welcome and I'm sorry for everything you've been through. There are several other women on this board diagnosed with DOR - I am one of them. We don't have all the answers either, but we're here for you. And more importantly, there are DOR women on Pregnant after IF and PGAL so there is hope!

Just because you don't have a partner does not mean you can't and shouldn't have a baby. Many women do. Raising a child on your own is not easy, but it sounds like it's a commitment you are willing to make.

Good luck!

BabyFruit Ticker
TTC since January, 2011 | Me: 39, DH: 38 |DX: DOR and Uterine Fibroids | Natural BFP#1 January 31, 2012 | Harrison Gray born sleeping @ 18w6d on May 11, 2012 | Three surgeries and 26 fibroids later. . . | Natural cycle = BFN | 2 medicated cycles = BFN | IUI#1 = BFN | IUI#2 = Cancelled due to poor response | IVF#1=BFP#2 EDD Oct. 29, 2013, C/P 2/25/13, Bye little Ish | Natural cycle = BFP#3, Beta 1=1250, Beta 2=2230, EDD 12/21/13, Hello Izzy!|
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” ― Helen Keller
 
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12-15-2012 at 9:04 AM
richzep
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Joined on 09-24-2008
Pasadena, CA
1,527 Posts
12,147 Points
richzep is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 9:53 PMBronze
It is so hard to want answers knowing that its next to impossible to get them. So sorry for what you are going through. I wish you the best!


TTC since Sept '10
IVF #1: Sept '11 (7R, 0F, Transfer cancelled)
IVF #2: Nov '11 (8R, 3F, 3 8-cell embryos transfered)...BFN
IVF #3: Jan '12 ER: 2/2 - 10R,3F ET: 2/5 - 3 8-cell embryos...BFP!!
Betas: 2/14 - 25, 2/16 - 79, 2/20 - 116, 2/22 - 63 C/P

5/25/12 - DH has varicocele surgery
IUI #1 - Dec '12 (42 mil and 10 mil)...BFN.
IUI #2.0 - Cancelled due to cyst.
IUI #2.1 - Feb'13 (11 mil and 10 mil)...BFN

IVF #4 - Apr'13 ER: 4/1 - 7R, 6F...ET: 4/6 - 2 perfect blasts and 3 frosties...BFP!!
Betas: 4/18 - 2,442, 4/22 - 11,258, 4/29 - 66,413
Ultrasound 1: 5/7...TWINS!! Heartbeats 148 and 149!!
Ultrasound 2: 5/14 Heartbeats 175 and 179. Measuring 8w4d.

BabyFetus Ticker 
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12-15-2012 at 8:57 PM
jadwedd
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Joined on 04-29-2003
1,461 Posts
21,407 Points
jadwedd is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 8:13 PMBronze

You have alot going on.  Good for you avoiding the family - it takes alot of courage to do that but it sounds like the healthy choice for you.  I hope that you can find a good dr.  Maybe you can post where you are from and if someone else is near you, we can give you our dr. number.  If you want a baby you should have one.  It is better to have one on your own than find a man who makes you miserable just to have a baby.  You sound much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.  Good luck to you!
Married 12-12-04
TTC since 07
me-36 PCOS, Tubal Problems, and polyps removed 7-12
DH - 36 extremely handsome and no fertility problems
IUI 8-12 and 9-12 failed
IVF 12-21-2012 - 2 I think perfect no matter what the dr graded them (2B)embryos transferred Beta on 12-31-12 Positve - Beta is 21
Beta 2 1-2-13 - 31
Beta 3 1-4-13 - 53
Beta 4 1/9 - 212!
Ultrasound 1/10 - Nothing completely empty uterus Beta 1/14 - 743; Beta 1/17 - 1704 ultrasound shows nothing. Officially a miscarriage. 1/21 Beta 3900 Dr. says it ectopic. Ultrasound shows a miracle heartbeat right in the uterus where it belongs! Dr. says I can be cautiously optomistic!!! Hang in there baby!

 
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12-16-2012 at 8:03 PM
mistyeyez
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Joined on 11-13-2012
6 Posts
126 Points
mistyeyez is not online. Last active: 01-14-2013, 1:35 PMNewbie
Hi, a very warm welcome to you. I am so sorry to hear all that you are going through; my prayers are with you. Having family members like you do, I would definitely avoid them  as well, actually that's what I do with some of my relatives too.
 
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