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12-16-2012 at 10:24 PM
nonniedee
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nonniedee is online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 1:40 PMNewbie

What a difference a year makes (long)

It's been a year since I lost my baby. My sister asked me how I was doing the other day, and I didn't know how to answer her. Every month has brought on new emotions and hurdles. So, I looked through my journal entries from the past year, and I gave her a composite of what was there.

 

December 15, 2011

The day I lost my baby. I spent the entire night before in excruciating pain. I had a spastic colon/severe constipation my last pregnancy, and I thought I was experiencing that again. After about 10 hours of pushing in pain I was finally able to get a little rest. I woke up about 6 am to pee, and when I looked down my baby was hanging out of me in the toilet. I screamed my head off, and my husband came running. I told him what was going on, and he just went silent. He turned around and went to sit down because he felt dizzy. I asked him to pass me the phone, and I called my sister. She cried with me, and talked me through cutting the umbilical cord. I placed the baby in a shoebox lined in plastic, and put it in the fridge. I called my Dad to tell him what happened, and I could hear his voice cracking as he told me he was on his way. I went to the ER. They made me tell the story over and over again. Finally a med student yelled stop, and she sat next to me and hugged me until I stopped crying. I was prepped for the D&C, and taken upstairs for surgery. After the surgery the same med student from the ER walked me to the recovery room and held me until my husband was allowed to come get me. I peeked into the shoebox and opened the baby's legs. He was a boy. That night my father rocked me to sleep.

January

I went back to work way too soon. I couldn't stand being home alone. My husband was afraid  that I would do something to hurt myself, but that's not what I was feeling. I just couldn't take the quiet.I was supposed to go back for a follow up appointment. I've never gone back to that hospital.

February/March/April

No matter what I did I couldn't stop lactating. I Googled  for solutions. I tried cold compresses and cabbage leaves, but nothing worked.

May

Mother's Day came. Everyone watched me for signs of a breakdown. The moms in my family celebrated in silence; they were afraid of it would do to me. My nephew saw me sitting in a corner, and he walked  with a handful of crumpled carnations. He kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear "you're still a mommy even if your baby is in heaven". On the ride home I stopped and cried for 2 hours.

June

My birthday comes. This was supposed to be our birthday. The day was somber; my husband made himself busy, and I daydreamed my way through it.

 

 

I got my BFP in September. I was terrified and scared out of my mind. I'm just grateful for another chance. I prayed my way through the first trimester, and anxiously hoped that I would make it past the point where I lost my first. I just hope to have a healthy beautiful baby. If I were to answer my sister's question, I guess I would say I'm tentative. I don't want to get too happy just to have it all taken away. I want to watch my baby grow, and that's all I can hope for right now.



 

 
Anniversary Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 
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12-16-2012 at 10:41 PM
kmc84
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kmc84 is not online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 12:21 PMSilver
I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy and so happy that you are here!! I hope you have a wonderful rest of your pregnancy! A year can make such a difference! When I think of where I was a year ago, I am so happy to be where I am today.
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TTC#1 since 5/10
Me:28 Type 1 Diabetes, Ankylosing Spondylitis DH:28 Perfect
DX: Unexplained IF
Many IUI's with various meds all BFFN
IVF #1 11/11 canceled due to OHSS
IVF #2 Feb/March 2012 ER 3/24 7R, 5F
ET 3/27 2 transferred, 4/7 BFP!!!
5/1 u/s showed blighted ovum
IVF #3 ER 7/10 8R, 7F
7/13 ET 2 8 cell grade 3 and 1 6 cell grade 2
Beta 7/24 270 7/26 685 7/30 3,086
U/S 6w2d One perfect bean with a HR of 125
Everyone welcome!
 
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12-16-2012 at 11:13 PM
JenBee74
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad that your here with us now, looking forward to the healthy and happy arrival of your little one. Believe in the health of your baby. You will be in my thoughts and prayers for a healthy and happy pregnancy.
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12-17-2012 at 1:18 AM
RussianMom...
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Bless your nephew.

That was hard to read. So sorry for your loss.
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12-17-2012 at 7:25 AM
AudUy
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I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. Any loss is heartbreaking but yours happened in such a traumatic way.

I don't know if you participate in the pregnant after loss board (I'm sorry if I'm just not recognizing your name). It is a very supportive group full of women who understand the complexity of being pregnant after experiencing a loss. You would be very welcome. 
BFP#1 11/25/11 EDD 08/09/12 MMC 01/30/12 D&C 02/01/12
BFP#2 09/11/12 beta1=72 @13dpo beta2=160 @14dpo beta3=over 6000 @24dpo U/S @7w2dd hb=146bpm U/S @8w5d hb=159bpm U/S @12w hb=164bpm
EDD 05/20/13
My Ovulation Chart
 
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12-17-2012 at 8:10 AM
lovingmygi...
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy, I had a very early m/c (NOTHING in comparison to what happened to you) but I know that until I didn't have my DD in my arms, I felt at any moment everything could be taken away from me.

I wish you a healthy pregnancy and hope that when you get to hold your LO, all those fears dissappear.  Big hugs to you
BabyFruit Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
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12-17-2012 at 8:15 AM
emriley84
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I'm so sorry for your loss. That is absoultely heartbreaking. Your son is a little angel watching over you and your husband and his baby sister/brother. Thoughts and prayers for a healthy pregnancy, and soon enough you will be holding that sweet squisy baby in your arms. Hugs momma
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12-17-2012 at 9:32 AM
panacea05
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Oh, God. I'm crying for you, your husband, and the sweet baby you had to let go. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I pray that you get to take this baby home with you. <3


BFP #1: 10/27/11; EDD 6/27/12; mmc 11/27/11 @9w4d (Baby measured 6w).
BFP #2: 2/17/12; EDD 10/29/12; heart rate of 78bpm on 3/12/12 @7w (Baby measured 6w); no hb 3/19/12 @8w; D&C 3/20/12.
BFP #3: 7/23/12; EDD 4/2/13; miscarried one twin 8/11/12 @5w6d, remaining twin just may be my rainbow.
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12-17-2012 at 11:43 AM
beckyschel...
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I am so sorry for your loss, this broke my heart to read. I wish you the absolute best luck with this pregnancy.
 
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12-17-2012 at 12:55 PM
PetraStone...
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(((HUGS))) I am so sorry for your loss. I hope the rest of this pregnancy is healthy and uneventful, and that you bring your child home at the end of it. Be sure to come over to the Pregnant After Loss (PGAL) board, too. It is a board filled with women going through this surreal experience together.
AMA over 40
Massive uterine fibroids removed 3/06
BFP 1/11; MM/C discovered @ 10w, loss at 6w; Cytotec
B/W 7/11 = normal CD3, FSH 8.9; 7DPO progesterone 1.7
Three Clomid cycles, all BFN, Off to an RE for me...
FSH=8.7 E2=30 AMH=1.8 HSG clear, SA=great
Inj. IUI #1 12/9/11 BFN, Inj. IUI #2 1/6/12 BFN
Inj. IUI #3 1/30/12 BFP!, HCG doubled through 6w, 7w u/s mm/c twins
Lost our known donor to unplanned pregnancy
Factor V Leiden, Hetero, symptomatic
Op Hysteroscopy 5/12, removed scar tissue and uterine septum
Doing Cryo-DE IVF and older child adoption (Home visit- Check!)
Beautiful hatching 5-blast transfered 8/30
BFP 9/7/12 EDD May 19, 2013, beta #1=291 beta #2=762 beta #3=7306
Sneek peak u/s shows HB at 6w1d!!! 123bpm!
Still have a HB at 18w0d!!! 142bpm! Grow, baby, grow!
Great NT scan, but, placenta previa. Resolving!
Labile Hypertension, placed on HBP meds to try to avoid pre-e
A/S on 12/21/12, Petra's having a baby, it's the end of the world!
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PGAL Siggy Challenge- Animal Hangovers!
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"Petra, you are an obese 40+ year old. Stop jumping through these hoops. Just adopt already. There is no shame in that." -Deethebee  
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12-17-2012 at 6:48 PM
nonniedee
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nonniedee is online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 1:40 PMNewbie

RussianMommy:
Bless your nephew. That was hard to read. So sorry for your loss.

Yea the funny thing is children were the only people who really cheered me up during this time.

Anniversary Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 
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12-17-2012 at 6:50 PM
nonniedee
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nonniedee is online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 1:40 PMNewbie
Thanks everyone for the support and well wishes. I've been lurking on the PGAL board for awhile, but have yet to chime in. I had an appt today. Everything is going well, and the baby has a very strong heartbeat. I find out what I'm having next month. I can barely wait. It's not fair, I could find out now, but the holiday season is already booked up :(.
Anniversary Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 
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12-17-2012 at 11:54 PM
warriorwom...
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My heart broke for you while reading this. God bless your nephew. What a tender, sweet heart he has. I'm praying that that you and your baby remain healthy throughout your pregnancy. My thoughts are with you.
IAmPregnant Ticker Daisypath Anniversary tickers 
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