Sounds like a complicated situation....

 My thoughts:

You aren't sure what you want from him, but you e-mailed him, so at a minimum it makes me believe that you DO want him to be at least a small part of your child's life.  If you really felt so strongly that you didn't want him/his family involved, you would not have initiated contact.  Sometimes it's so hard to admit these things when you want to be strong and independent. 

 You do not have to be with him to keep him informed.  It's the least you can do for your baby to at least allow them to know each other.  Just take a step back and think about it 10-15 years from now.

 Some part of you wanted to keep him informed... for some reason.

 

Good luck!

Honestly, you need to ask yourself how serious you are about not wanting him to be a part of your life or your baby's life.

 From how you've said he's treated this so far, do you want this kind of inconsistency in you LO's life?

 As nice as it would be to have child support, is it worth it? Is your child going to benefit from his/their influence at all? Decide whatever is best for your child, and go from there.

 

 

I think you should stop emailing/contacting him. If he is serious about your child then let him take action. Focus on your pregnancy, and file for child support once you have your kid. All this back and forth with him will not help anyone. Child support doesn't mean parental rights chica. Telling you from experience, let the court system do their jobs. Good luck.

You did your due diligence by letting him know that his child is almost here. The rest is up to him. I don't know the laws in your state with regards to his name being on the birth certificate or what is needed for support. Legally he is responsible for supporting the child until 18 (or 21) years of age. That doesn't mean the two of them ever need to meet. Even if you don't want or need the support, put it in savings for a raining day or college fund. Its awarded to the child legally. There isn't any shame or revenge to be sought by filing for support. You need to see what laws are in place.... in my state custody and support are separate matters, i even had two separate court dates and judges. Paternity probably has to be established for support to be ordered. Once that occurs the father can file a claim for custody too. You don't have a deadline to file either!!! 

P.S him saying 'you told me not to be in your life' doesn't equate to 'you told me i can't see my child'  

Same situation honey almost to a T, but today I decided that if he wants to be a part of this childs life, then he has to be the adult and make the effort. I didn't twist his arm to sleep with me and neither did you so why twist his arm to be a parent? It is hard, extremely hard to live with this reality that someone can simply walk away from their own creation, but I think you will also find strength because of it. I grew up without a father and never wanted to pass this on to my child, but you can't make him be "there" and you can't try to prevent him from experiencing the regrets he will feel years down the road when he has missed those precious years and cannot get them back (speaking to myself here). It is our (yours and mine) responsibility to be the best mother and father we can be to our LO. Teach them to be strong and show them that no matter the situation they are loved and a wonderful blessing and creation from GOD (I was told I couldn't have children so this means so much to me). On the other side of every struggle we go through something beautiful is produced. Congratulations mama! You can do it alone... with GODS help. :-)

If you honestly didn't want him involved or his family...then why did you contact him. I understand if you contacted him out of anger or being bitter but honestly if you wanted nothing to do with him...I don't understand why you would have contacted him.

Men and women take words differently, so you might have said something to him that he took differently and vice versa.

I'm not defending him but your situation isn't completely innocent.

As much as you might dislike your BD, he still deserves time with his child. Now if he is personally incapable of taking care of his child I understand. But it sounds like you just don't trust BD, which I understand, but keeping him from his child is a selfish thing to do. You don't have to leave him alone with your child, have supervised visits. But without adquate proof and reasons, besides not liking BD, its not fair to keep the child from their other half.

lilhockeygurlMOM:

Men and women take words differently, so you might have said something to him that he took differently and vice versa.

I'm not defending him but your situation isn't completely innocent.

As much as you might dislike your BD, he still deserves time with his child. Now if he is personally incapable of taking care of his child I understand. But it sounds like you just don't trust BD, which I understand, but keeping him from his child is a selfish thing to do. You don't have to leave him alone with your child, have supervised visits. But without adquate proof and reasons, besides not liking BD, its not fair to keep the child from their other half.

Everything he told me about his life was lies- I found out that he does this regularly, to try and live off people for free, so he doesn't have to work. I found out he had active warrants the whole time I knew him- He's a con artist & thief. His dad is in prison for involuntary manslaughter, his mom is a gambling & drug addict, His older brother had all 4 children taken from him because he is a prescription pill addict, his sister is a needle heroin addict/dealer who's 2 yr old daughter got brain damage because she ate a methadone pill off the floor of their house. NOT the type of people I want my child around

Don't you think that IF he wanted to be involved in this child's life, he would have made an effort thus far?

I emailed him and said "hey just letting you know, your son is going to be here soon, & I was wondering what your plans were regarding him" ie- giving him a chance to be involved... I don't want him or his family involved. At the same time, I am having an extremely difficult time grasping the fact that this person created life & is just walking away from it, no care at all... It boggles my mind how someone could do this

 So am I being selfish? By giving a person a chance to be a decent human being? To decide what they are going to do with their responsibilities?  

I absolutely do not want that type of behavior influencing my childs life. 

I'm not sure if child support is worth it, I keep going back and forth because people keep trying to tell me that I need to file, and then others say its not worth it to let him have a chance at parental rights.

It'd be awesome if he signed his rights away.

I think my child would be negatively influenced by his dad and that side of the family- they are all bad people... It sucks I let this guy pull the wool over my eyes so badly 

pregokat:

I absolutely do not want that type of behavior influencing my childs life. 

I'm not sure if child support is worth it, I keep going back and forth because people keep trying to tell me that I need to file, and then others say its not worth it to let him have a chance at parental rights.

It'd be awesome if he signed his rights away.

I think my child would be negatively influenced by his dad and that side of the family- they are all bad people... It sucks I let this guy pull the wool over my eyes so badly 

OP, I don't think you are getting what we are trying to say.

Just because you file for child support doesn't mean the childs father all of a sudden has some miraculous rights. If he wants visitation to see the child, he will have to request that. Him paying child support has nothing to do with it. It seems like you are quite upset about the family, which you might have every reason to be. I don't know everything, and we are just strangers here! And it takes a lot for someone to sign their rights away. Most states have it to where you have to have someone who is trying to adopt the child (new husband) before they release a parent from any obligations.

We are just trying to explain to you what WE went through. My sons father pays child support (DS is 2) He has seen his father once.....once OP!!!! You file for child support because it is there to help you raise the child, and its the law for him to pay it.

Also you said this......

I emailed him and said "hey just letting you know, your son is going to be here soon, & I was wondering what your plans were regarding him" ie- giving him a chance to be involved... I don't want him or his family involved.

You are answering your own questions (or contradicting them). You don't want them involved, GREAT! Now its time to stop trying to get them involved. Leave it alone. Listen we are here to help you out if you need it. But you can't expect us to keep giving out the same advice while you ignore it, or get upset. Good luck

keychain01:

pregokat:

I absolutely do not want that type of behavior influencing my childs life. 

I'm not sure if child support is worth it, I keep going back and forth because people keep trying to tell me that I need to file, and then others say its not worth it to let him have a chance at parental rights.

It'd be awesome if he signed his rights away.

I think my child would be negatively influenced by his dad and that side of the family- they are all bad people... It sucks I let this guy pull the wool over my eyes so badly 

OP, I don't think you are getting what we are trying to say.

Just because you file for child support doesn't mean the childs father all of a sudden has some miraculous rights. If he wants visitation to see the child, he will have to request that. Him paying child support has nothing to do with it. It seems like you are quite upset about the family, which you might have every reason to be. I don't know everything, and we are just strangers here! And it takes a lot for someone to sign their rights away. Most states have it to where you have to have someone who is trying to adopt the child (new husband) before they release a parent from any obligations.

We are just trying to explain to you what WE went through. My sons father pays child support (DS is 2) He has seen his father once.....once OP!!!! You file for child support because it is there to help you raise the child, and its the law for him to pay it.

 

I understand that- Thing is I don't know what the laws in this state are so I've been trying to find a lawyer or someone to help and there are no 'family' lawyers in my city! lol.

I understand he'd have to go to court and fight etc, which I doubt he would. Specially since I now live 4 hours away

Did you use a lawyer or the state appointed help? I have no idea how to go through all of this or where to start

Is it true that IF he does request visitation, he will have to make the effort to come to his child vs me taking him there? I guess that might be a question for the lawyer eh?

thank you :)  

purvispj:

Same situation honey almost to a T, but today I decided that if he wants to be a part of this childs life, then he has to be the adult and make the effort. I didn't twist his arm to sleep with me and neither did you so why twist his arm to be a parent? It is hard, extremely hard to live with this reality that someone can simply walk away from their own creation, but I think you will also find strength because of it. I grew up without a father and never wanted to pass this on to my child, but you can't make him be "there" and you can't try to prevent him from experiencing the regrets he will feel years down the road when he has missed those precious years and cannot get them back (speaking to myself here). It is our (yours and mine) responsibility to be the best mother and father we can be to our LO. Teach them to be strong and show them that no matter the situation they are loved and a wonderful blessing and creation from GOD (I was told I couldn't have children so this means so much to me). On the other side of every struggle we go through something beautiful is produced. Congratulations mama! You can do it alone... with GODS help. :-)

 

Thank you for this :) Very well said and inspirational for those of us dealing with the same issue today... 

lilhockeygurlMOM:

Men and women take words differently, so you might have said something to him that he took differently and vice versa.

I'm not defending him but your situation isn't completely innocent.

As much as you might dislike your BD, he still deserves time with his child. Now if he is personally incapable of taking care of his child I understand. But it sounds like you just don't trust BD, which I understand, but keeping him from his child is a selfish thing to do. You don't have to leave him alone with your child, have supervised visits. But without adquate proof and reasons, besides not liking BD, its not fair to keep the child from their other half.

 

And these are fighting words in my opinion, girl! lilhockeymom- were you ever in this situation??? Pregnant with having no emotional/financial support from the father to-be? My guess is no way- or you would not be so insensitive to this woman. Its abSOLUTELY natural to email/text/call in the final weeks here because -although our society is changing slightly to accept single moms...its a slow process. Still- every family member/friend/stranger asks me where baby's daddy is- whats the plan- is he going to be present- what would you do now if he just popped up at the delivery room after 8 months of no contact. So, as strong as we want to be- its near impossible to not reach out to the OTHER HALF of this 'situation' to somehow shed light to the questions.

Of course he does not 'deserve' time with his child! what makes him 'deserve' anything!?!? every morning this woman has woke up and dealt with the stretch marks, morning sickness, aching back, swollen feet, staring at her growing belly, getting poked and prodded at OB appointments, getting stared at in ever public outing, buying a new wardrobe for herself, buying countless preparation items for baby- the list goes on. Where the hell has he been?? Until he (if he ever) proves himself - she doesnt owe him jack squat in rights to see her child.

 

pregokat:

Everything he told me about his life was lies- I found out that he does this regularly, to try and live off people for free, so he doesn't have to work. I found out he had active warrants the whole time I knew him- He's a con artist & thief. His dad is in prison for involuntary manslaughter, his mom is a gambling & drug addict, His older brother had all 4 children taken from him because he is a prescription pill addict, his sister is a needle heroin addict/dealer who's 2 yr old daughter got brain damage because she ate a methadone pill off the floor of their house. NOT the type of people I want my child around

Don't you think that IF he wanted to be involved in this child's life, he would have made an effort thus far?

I emailed him and said "hey just letting you know, your son is going to be here soon, & I was wondering what your plans were regarding him" ie- giving him a chance to be involved... I don't want him or his family involved. At the same time, I am having an extremely difficult time grasping the fact that this person created life & is just walking away from it, no care at all... It boggles my mind how someone could do this

 So am I being selfish? By giving a person a chance to be a decent human being? To decide what they are going to do with their responsibilities?  

I agree that he and his family sound like pretty scummy people, and I would definitely not want my kid around the BD's family at all. However, there is a difference between men and women when it comes to their realization of parenthood. A woman becomes a mother when she is pregnant. A man becomes a father when the baby is born. Should he have been supportive of your entire pregnancy? Absolutely. Does it automatically mean he won't want anything to do with the baby once born? Not necessarily. 

Tread lightly in these issues, but I don't think it's *necessarily* a bad idea to give him a chance to be involved. Like PP said, think about this situation 10-15 years down the road. It won't be easy, but I'm sure you'll figure it out :)   

JenHodges:

purvispj:

Same situation honey almost to a T, but today I decided that if he wants to be a part of this childs life, then he has to be the adult and make the effort. I didn't twist his arm to sleep with me and neither did you so why twist his arm to be a parent? It is hard, extremely hard to live with this reality that someone can simply walk away from their own creation, but I think you will also find strength because of it. I grew up without a father and never wanted to pass this on to my child, but you can't make him be "there" and you can't try to prevent him from experiencing the regrets he will feel years down the road when he has missed those precious years and cannot get them back (speaking to myself here). It is our (yours and mine) responsibility to be the best mother and father we can be to our LO. Teach them to be strong and show them that no matter the situation they are loved and a wonderful blessing and creation from GOD (I was told I couldn't have children so this means so much to me). On the other side of every struggle we go through something beautiful is produced. Congratulations mama! You can do it alone... with GODS help. :-)

 

Thank you for this :) Very well said and inspirational for those of us dealing with the same issue today... 

 

Yes, Thank you VERY MUCH for the supportive words, I really appreciate the kind words 

JenHodges:

lilhockeygurlMOM:

Men and women take words differently, so you might have said something to him that he took differently and vice versa.

I'm not defending him but your situation isn't completely innocent.

As much as you might dislike your BD, he still deserves time with his child. Now if he is personally incapable of taking care of his child I understand. But it sounds like you just don't trust BD, which I understand, but keeping him from his child is a selfish thing to do. You don't have to leave him alone with your child, have supervised visits. But without adquate proof and reasons, besides not liking BD, its not fair to keep the child from their other half.

  

And these are fighting words in my opinion, girl! lilhockeymom- were you ever in this situation??? Pregnant with having no emotional/financial support from the father to-be? My guess is no way- or you would not be so insensitive to this woman. Its abSOLUTELY natural to email/text/call in the final weeks here because -although our society is changing slightly to accept single moms...its a slow process. Still- every family member/friend/stranger asks me where baby's daddy is- whats the plan- is he going to be present- what would you do now if he just popped up at the delivery room after 8 months of no contact. So, as strong as we want to be- its near impossible to not reach out to the OTHER HALF of this 'situation' to somehow shed light to the questions.

Of course he does not 'deserve' time with his child! what makes him 'deserve' anything!?!? every morning this woman has woke up and dealt with the stretch marks, morning sickness, aching back, swollen feet, staring at her growing belly, getting poked and prodded at OB appointments, getting stared at in ever public outing, buying a new wardrobe for herself, buying countless preparation items for baby- the list goes on. Where the hell has he been?? Until he (if he ever) proves himself - she doesnt owe him jack squat in rights to see her child.

 

 

THANK YOU!! It was offensive to me, but I cant make everyone understand where I am coming from, too many different points of views, and she doesnt know the whole situation.  I appreciate your supportive words!  

It has been difficult doing EVERYTHING on my own- Completely. Ya'll dont know that I've worked full time, gone to school, kept my 4.0 gpa AND volunteered for 2 separate organizations through this all- As well as had to move away from all of my friends & my whole life has changed- I've done everything alone- It sucks- Thank you for 'having my back'