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12-17-2012 at 6:27 PM
namara5532
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namara5532 is not online. Last active: 05-18-2013, 6:34 AMSilver

Missing how things used to be

First of all, I'll say that I love DS to pieces and wouldn't trade him for anything.  My feelings have nothing to do with him being a bad baby or anything like that.

I got a visit from an old friend today.  As I've mentioned here before, I'm a LARPer, and this friend was from the LARP I went to.  His visit got me thinking about the current state of things, and it got me sad.

When I got pregnant, I was no longer allowed to participate in the LARP.  It was a safety hazard as we fight with boffer weapons, and one ill-aimed hit would've caused trouble.  While it wasn't a surprise pregnancy, I underestimated how jarring it would be to suddenly quit an activity I'd been a part of for 4 years.  Suddenly, I wasn't seeing my friends every month, and all but a friend or two never came to visit.  Needless to say, I was pretty tore up about it as most of my friends at the time came from the LARP. We had some good times, but they apparently were too busy to see me or didn't really consider our friendship beyond the LARP.

After I had the baby, I went to a mommy and me group to try to get some socializing in. While it certainly helped and I made some new friends, I had it planned in my mind that I'd bring DS to an event for a couple hours to hold me over until I could come back more often.  I'd even gotten it ok'd by the person in charge.  Unfortunately, management of the LARP changed recently, and they've told me DS isn't allowed at events until he's old enough to join, which is age 14.

I got pretty miffed at them, but I was equally disappointed in the people I considered my friends who never came to see me when I was pregnant and after DS was born.  I made the choice that I was done with the LARP for now.  It was too disapointing to go on hoping I can go back soon when DS is still nursing at night and DH works nights and is therefore unavailable to watch DS while I go LARPing.

Like I said before, one of the few friends who has stayed in touch dropped by.  We were pretty good friends, but we found ourselves with little to talk about.  He told a few stories about the LARP, and I told a few stories about DS.  The encounter made me sad that I couldn't be a part of that life anymore.  I had to walk away from the lifestyle of going off a weekend or two a month to play a game in the woods and leave the world behind.  Now that I have a baby, I don't have that luxury anymore.  And it makes me sad.

I have my new life as a parent and new friends, but thinking about the people I no longer relate to makes me feel like I sacrificed something big to have a family.  I'm going to a mommy and me party tomorrow that should hopefully help me feel more fulfilled with my new social circle; but right now, I feel trapped here with the baby and like I walked away from something that used to be such an escape for me.  For now, I'll have to settle for something on Netflix and some hot chocolate and try not to think about how things used to be.

Sorry for the rant.  I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one who misses the pre-baby life though, if others had to walk away from friends to have a baby.


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12-17-2012 at 8:59 PM
LibraryChi...
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LibraryChica is not online. Last active: 05-17-2013, 8:46 PMSilver

Oh, you're not alone! I sometimes miss the freedom of pre-baby too. I miss being able to go out whenever I wanted, take impulsive trips with DH, sleep in and stay up late. Sometimes I even miss working late. And, yes, I don't see my single or childless friends as often. Most friendships wax and wane as people move through different stages of life -- my own brother is skipping my holiday party this year because last year "no one talked about anything but babies."  

Try to enjoy your party tomorrow. 


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12-17-2012 at 9:13 PM
kaybe24
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kaybe24 is not online. Last active: 05-18-2013, 10:34 PMBronze
I'm sorry that you miss your old life, being a mommy changes everything...  I miss the pre-baby life too.  Kudos to you going to a mommy group.  I've been wanting to meet some other moms especially since I stay at home.  My son has had such horrible sleeping nights that I in turn have been exceptionally tired during the day and I haven't had the change to go to a mommy meeting yet.

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12-18-2012 at 7:01 AM
HilarityEn...
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HilarityEnsued is not online. Last active: 05-18-2013, 9:45 PMGold

Ditto what PPs said.  I think this is totally normal and I've gone through more acute bouts of this at various times over the year.  Thanksgiving was specifically very rough for me.  I have a big group of cousins (ranging in age from 17 to 30) and at Thanksgiving every year we all have so much fun together.  We drink, stay up late, and just hang out and talk.  It's amazing and I look forward to it all year.  This year, I had DS.  I'm the only one of all of us that is married or has a kid.  I obviously cannot drink an entire bottle of wine and stay up until 1 am while still having to be in charge of, and ready to tend to, DS at any moment.  Honestly it was incredibly hard for me.

I understand where you are coming from.  I was going to suggest going to watch the LARP but it sounds like those in charge were no a fan of that.  It's a weird transition time.  I'm trying to find some mom friends as well.  All of the closest friends live several states away, so it's been a rough road. 

Hope you feel better Namara!  I recently had a similar encounter with a former friend.  We used to be so close, and at our most recent event, we barely had ANYTHING to talk about.  It was like we were just meeting.  It left me in a funk for days. 


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12-18-2012 at 9:41 AM
js13524
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js13524 is not online. Last active: 04-09-2013, 1:20 PMNewbie
I have remained friends with zero people from my previous life. There is one I see every once in a while, but she moved so I don't see her anymore either. And I am super horrible at making friends. I'm really shy. A few times I've crashed a mom group that meets at a park about a block from my house, but nothing has really become of it. I'm finding that mom dating is harder than actually dating was!! I've made a few friends, but nothing that has lasted. The only family that lives in town is my sister, who has agoraphobia. So unless I go to her house, I don't see her too often. All my other family is two of more hours away. I definitely have been feeling lonely lately. I hope you start feeling better and that you enjoyed your movie and hot chocolate!

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12-18-2012 at 9:42 AM
Brit's Lun...
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Brit's Luna154 is not online. Last active: 05-14-2013, 2:51 PMGold

I do not think badly of you at all for having those feelings. I think it is completely normal.

I have some single friends, some married w/o kids friends, and some married with kids friends. Having DD has affected my relationship with all of those friends in different ways. We do not have any family nearby and, so far, do not have many options in terms of babysitters, so that makes us go out in the evenings much less frequently than we would have before. It has also limited the places that we can go to with friends. We live in a small town with limited "going out" options and two of our friends' favorite places to eat dinner or watch games together are technically bars, which means that DD is not allowed to go in. It is a bummer each time we have to say that we are not going to join our friends because DD isn't allowed.

Another of my favorite activities is running road races. It is something that H and I did often together, but something that is much more difficult with DD. Jogging strollers are not allowed in most of the races here, so in order to run together, we need to find someone who can babysit from like 5AM-noon on a Saturday. For some reason, the local high school girls don't like to be at our house at 5AM on Saturday? Odd...

Do you have anyone who DS could stay with for one weekend per month or even every other month so that you could to LARP once in a while? I don't know if it is something where you need to be there every time or if you can just go sometimes? My mom or MIL would love to do that with DD if they lived closer.

I am not doing a good job of this, but, it might also be time to make some new friends. I wish I knew how to do that, it sounds like Mommy and Me is a good opportunity since you SAH. In my community there are a lot of other activities similar to that, you may have access to a lot more than you even realize yet.

Anyway, no, I would never change having DD, but yes, things are totally different.


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12-18-2012 at 2:27 PM
Mama2TwoBo...
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As the other posters have said, you are soooo not alone!!!!

I find missing my pre-baby life very hard to deal with. Baby wasn't planned, so I feel like "I made my bed, and now have to lay in it" type of thing. You know? Like this is the type of life that I got myself into, so there is no point in wasting breath on it, and no one wants to hear about it (or so I feel...)

I hope you enjoy the mommy and me party, I think it helps to find other moms. None of my friends that live within driving distance have kids (the one who does is like 3 hours away), but I've found that my relationship with my sister, who has two kids now, has only gotten stronger since we can relate. There's no ill-feelings if phone calls get ignored for a day or two... we know that if we want to get together that it's gotta be toddler and baby friendly.. 

I try to focus on all the things that I have gotten to experience with DS & SS, not the things I missed out on with friends.   So my friends got wasted at a bar last weekend together. I've done that countless times.  Do they get to hear a child's first word? Or rock a beautiful baby until they are lulled to sleep? How about hearing someone call them mama?  Experience the first crawl, step, tooth? Nope. They don't. 

Just remember that yes, you had some good times pre-baby, the ride is only beginning with your child!  :D


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12-18-2012 at 4:46 PM
mrs.larry
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mrs.larry is not online. Last active: 05-14-2013, 5:22 PMSilver

you're absolutely not the only one. after I had my first son, I used to cry and wonder if I was the worst mother in the world. it seemed like everyone was carrying on about how they "couldn't even remember what life was like before the baby!!!!" and I was like, um. I can. and it was pretty damn awesome. Sad

change is hard. I've always had a difficult time with it. unfortunately the only constant is that things change. but as the time has gone on, I've found a new niche. some friends changed and some stuck around and many many new ones have been made.

it gets easier. you'll probably always miss those days, but there are new wonderful days ahead of you. it'll get there.

****HUGS!***


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12-19-2012 at 7:06 PM
Sanbry
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Sanbry is not online. Last active: 05-13-2013, 4:55 PMNewbie
I definitely understand. Parenthood was such a big transition for me too in many ways, partially bc I got pregnant a month and a half after moving away from home(my first move away from fam/childhood friends, my husband is military and was stationed in my hometown). I knew no one here the first 4 months, then the people I met either had older kids or none. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. Heck I still feel like that most days. My husband works nights so I was used to going to night classes for college, or out to dinner or over to friend's places and suddenly I was alone and pregnant, then alone with a baby. It felt very isolating. I agree with everyone else though, it'll get easier:) hang in there!

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