First, the card - You have not already taken the picture nor had the cards made.  I don't see that including SS on the card will take away from your announcement in any way.  A picture of you, DH and SS standing in front of Christmas decor, you with a big bow on your belly and the announcement line the way you planned will in no way be different from a picture of you and DH standing in front of Christmas decor, etc. etc.

Secondly, wow.  That is a LOT of drama and serious levels of crazy.  I could say I have a bad BM, but mine does not compare.  I am so sorry for all that you have dealt with, and I cannot imagine how difficult all this has been for you.

How are you going to remain in this family?  How can DH live with SS being treated like this and behaving like this?

How have you guys stayed together through this?  You and DH must have a very strong bond, as many couples would have been separated already with the death of a child and the trial, and the SS troubles. 

I think if you want to stay sane this time around, you need to limit your time with BM.  Why were you even talking to her about the pregnancy?  I could not. 

I think you and DH need to talk about how you are feeling, as well as a conversation about him taking action to help SS.  Someone needs to help that child.

On the card, I think it is more the principal of the matter, the fact that my MIL is trying to tell me how I should do it and force him into it when she knows that it would make me very uncomfortable and look odd honestly, seeing as how the card is going to be given to our family, and they all know the story and all know the situation as it stands with us not being anything close to a unit at all and never will be.

On the drama, yes, crazy, like unbelievable crazy. This woman is truly evil. She didn't want my husband, ever, he was just a prop for her, and didn't want him back, ever, she was just insanely jealous and threatened by the fact that his life was so much better than hers, like it was a competition. I worked in Child Welfare at the time, as a child welfare investigator, so her filing the false report with DHS was done maliciously and purposefully so that I would lose my job. I worked for five years to put myself through school, had a great job, we were fixing to build a home, and she demolished everything with her lies. 

It has been extremely difficult to keep our marriage together. My husband felt such immense guilt for everything that I was being put through BEFORE Bo died, and then after that happened, oh God, he just about cracked up. He feels like he brought all of this one me, like if I had never met him, never married him, I would not have been subjected to all of this pain, since it was his ex that did it all. We knew the statistics of divorce after a child death, talked about it, and made a pact that in no way, no matter how bad it got, we would not let what she did destroy our marriage as well. SS and his behavior and my husbands refusal to do anything but be his doormat has caused major issues, but I am not going to let that cause me to lose my husband and best friend.

I have no contact with BM. None. and never will again. It wasn't her that made the comment about the card, it was my MIL. I have not spoke to the BM since March. I have had to see her at court, but that was it, and she requested a police escort out every time, partly to play the victim, and partly because inside, she knew what she had done, what she had cost me, and was afraid I might snap and choke the life out of her like she deserves.  My husband does not see her either. He picks the child up from school on Fri and the BM meets my MIL with the child on Sun. I am in the process of filing multiple law suits, so I will have to have some exposure to her, but never again will that lowlife scum be in my life in any way. Not after what she has done to me and not after she put my child in the ground, snuffing his little life out before he ever got a chance to even live it. There are certain things people can forgive and forget, this is not one of them.

I have talked to my husband. He totally agrees with me on the card, but has never and will never stand up to his mother on this or anything else.

As for the child, I referred my husband to a very well known child psychiatrist when the court battle was still waging, and he took him and he was given a full eval. The BM, when she found out, threw a FIT, and demanded it be stopped, he was being seen by this dr. once a week, when he was in my husband and MIL care. The judge ruled with her, and said he needed to be taken to a counselor of the mother's choosing and my husband participate. Yeah. Isn't the system great?

On the card again, if we were a family, if I had any kind of relationship with this child, if the reality wasn't as awful as it is, I could see doing it, but unfortunately, my life is in no way perfect or happy like so many other blended family Christmas cards make people think it should be. Thanks for the response. I am trying to rid my life of all frustration, because i tend to be the type to hold it in, and this is my first try at reaching out for help. Thanks again. 

I think you just need to keep in mind that this child's issues are NOT his fault.  You cannot blame the child who at this point is just a product of his environment.  He is four. 

If you plan to stay married to your husband, you cannot shut this child out of your life.  He is your husband's son, and your future baby's brother. 

I hate to say you're being petty with all you've been through, I know you need time to heal and rebuild and for you to feel like you're in control of your own life, but this is just a Christmas card, and there is no reason to exclude SS from a photo. 

I know at this point you are saying you're not a part of his life in any way, but I don't see how that position can remain and your marriage stay intact.  Maybe it's just beyond my comprehension.  Are you in counseling?  You and DH?

I feel like the photo is the smallest issue of this post, so I don't want to dwell on it.  I'm glad you found the board, and amazed you've survived the past year. 

I do think you should celebrate this pregnancy and do everything you can to pamper yourself. 

I also think your DH is a dumbsh!t if he allows this neglect of SS to continue.  He needs help.  I could not live with my husband sitting back and allowing his child to be untreated.  I understand that one judge gave BM the power, but your H needs to seek other avenues to get treatment for SS.

I don't blame the child at all, but it seems like I am the only one with my head screwed on straight when it comes to him and the reality of the situation and it is so frustrating! MIL blames BM BM blames MIL DH just sticks his head in the sand, and I am left reeling in disbelief that people can be so blind. I read an article today titled "I Am Adam Lanza's Mother" it was an article written after the shooting by a woman with a young teen son who is mentally ill. It was on MSN news today. What people fail to see, especially my MIL and the BM is that sometimes people are born with mental health issues. It is organic, chemical, and yes, definitely either helped or hurt by the environment they are raised in, but it is REAL. It is not something that is going to go away, it not something that will get better by ignoring it, praying about it, defending it, making excuses for it, masking it, and worst of all, giving in to it and fueling the fire of someone that feeds on mental domination.

I do not sleep with my bedroom door unlocked the one night a week he is in my home. I quit doing that after I woke up one morning to find him standing over me with a butter knife with the most blank, void, and cold look in his eyes and him telling me, "see, I told you I could get a knife and kill you." (Three days before that incident he got mad at me and threw a screaming possession level fit because his dad got out to pump gas and he was not allowed to get out too, and told me then that he was going to get a knife and cut me and kill me and stab me to death, what is even more disturbing than those statements is that he made them, and then apparently plotted for three days and came in my room days later and did what he did.) 

My dog had puppies a month before I had Bo, and my DH took one to MIL's house and gave it to the child. He held it down in the yard and tried to gouge his eyes out and as my DH was sprinting across the yard screaming and yelling for him to stop, let the dog up, the child looked over his shoulder at DH and gave him, what my DH called an evil vacant smile and snapped his leg into and laughed as the dog cried. The dog had to be put down as a result of this and the child NEVER showed any remorse.

He tries to hurt everything, is super destructive of property, even his own, very mean to other children, it is awful. He exhibits signs of RAD and early onset Conduct Disorder, and the Dr. DH was taking him to before his BM put a stop to it was assessing him for both, but we never got a diagnosis because the Judge  said it was not right of us to take him to a Dr. without the BM's consent, she wouldn't give consent and refused to even speak to the Dr. We live over an hr from her and we took him to the closest urban area to us which would have been 2 hrs from her, and she refused to make the drive and has opted to send him to a counselor where she lives instead. I am sorry, but that is not going to do squat.  There is nothing, that we know of, that my DH can do. In their divorce decree it is ordered that they have equal say in any medical care he gets, and if they can't agree then the judge decides, she did, and she made the wrong choice. 

I agree, that on the broad scope of things, the card seems like an insignificant matter, but I feel so perpetually backed into a corner and like our life is always so bogged down with DRAMA that one simple thing should be easy for a change and not be tied to all the things that have done nothing but cause me grief. I guess i don't see it as a Christmas card really, I see it as a pregnancy announcement from my husband and I to our friends and family, and I guess I walk around in perpetual protection mode that I feel territorial of this baby already. I know what struggles my child is going to face due to MIL's complete and total obsession with DH's son, I see it already with her other grandchildren, and I am set on defense as a mother already because I don't want my child being put on the back burner. Also, he is so wild and out of control, he would ruin the picture, especially if he caught on that it was something important to me, his ODD is so severe, if he thinks he can defy you he will go to any lengths to do so. I guess I am just pissed that I even have to mull this type of thing over and stress out over something that should be fun and exciting and have to feel obligated to include him. Everything has just been so stressful for so long, our lives are dominated by stress and drama that either he, his BM or my MIL creates that I just wanted one thing to be free from all of that and just be about us and our news.

He will be my child's half brother, that is true, but maybe it has to do with the way I was raised, I have a half brother and half sister, both older than I am, who came to our home every other weekend, and we never had a relationship or a bond and still don't to this day. I have a full sister that is younger than me and she's like my other half. Everyone is different, I have friends that have step children that call them their kids, and seem very bonded, and then I have others that say they are their spouses children, not theirs. In all honesty, I don't want my child around him, or at least I want the exposure limited, for multiple reasons. One, his behavior is frightening at times even to adults, two, I am genuinely concerned he will try and harm the baby, three, I don't want my child to grow up thinking that kind of behavior is acceptable or that it is the way to act in order to gain control and get your way, Four, I just want to shield my baby from all of this whole mess. I feel guilty for even having a child, but at the same time feel like I have a right to be a mother to my own child just like anyone else.

I had no idea, at the time I started my relationship with DH that this would be how things would turn out. Had I known, I would have RAN in the opposite direction and never looked back. But, I did not know, and I fell in love. We have known each other since we were 13, but never dated, never ran in the same circles, and did not reconnect until we were 27, even though we went to the same University for 4 years. He is my best friend, and having Bo, going thru that together, has solidified and strengthened our bond tenfold. If we didn't have the love and connection we have we would have crashed and burned way before we lost Bo. I cannot and will not lose him or the future we have planned over this, even though some days I think that must make me certifiable.  

I could literally write a book, and have in a way, I've kept a notebook of all the things SS has done and said, I could write a post that would never end over all of the episodes and disturbing behaviors, I am just wore out with it all, and distancing myself and removing myself from actively participating in it is the only protection I have. It is the only way I can cope mentally and now, the only way I can protect my child, who I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I KNOW others that read this, even if they don't admit it will feel it to, my child is my child and SS is not, and having buried one child in the ground due to DRAMA directly related to SS, I am not willing to do it again, my little baby to be comes first and  rightfully so. I cannot help SS, but I can protect this baby. It is a sad and terrible thing that I have to protect this baby from him at all, especially when it is still in the womb, but thats the way it is, and I don't know what else to do.

CurlyQ284:

What if you did your pregnancy announcement card and a photo Christmas card with you, DH, and SS and sent them in the same envelope. I did that with the birth announcement for LO. I didn't want to leave my SDs off the Christmas card but wanted to announce his birth so I did two cards on shutterfly and sent them together. That's just a solution to the card issue. To be honest...iI would run far far away from this mess. It doesn't sound like it will get better.

I agree with both points. In your title you list MIL, SS, and Ex as issues....you forgot your H. He obviously has boundary issues with MIL and the fact that she takes care of his son during the week doesn't help.

As far as the fake police report, did you talk to any supervisors there? It's just a little shocking to me that you were charged. There are many steps to get to that point and many more people involved than just one officer. If it really happened how you have written, I would be pursuing some type of lawsuit as well. If the officer really did do it as a favor, he should lose his job over it. 

This non relationship isn't going to work between you and SS if you and your H are going to work out. I'm not saying its going to be always rainbows and butterflies, but I don't see how that will work long term. Your child, at least in my belief, should come before DH. Has he talked to a lawyer about the threats SS has made to you? Document document document, and if it's at all possible go back to court to hopefully show that SS NEEDS help, serious help. Or at least allow your H the right to not agree to the Dr BM has chosen.

Your hands aren't tied, but your H seems to do nothing to change it. Don't let your MIL make decisions for you. Do the Xmas card and the birth announcement separate. If she has a problem with it, too bad. 

xmaryrickx:

A few things. First, I am so so very sorry for you loss. How absolutely heartbreaking.

Second, while you say you love your husband, and I am sure you do, sometimes love the emotion isnt enough. What is he doing to improve this situation? To protect his son, his wife, and his unborn child? I know you said he went to court over it, but perhaps it is time for a new lawyer and a new judge. MIL is toxic to this little boy and should be only allowed limited supervised visitation. She IS making the situation worse by not acknowledging the problem and if she doesn't have court ordered visitation she needs to stop keeping the child all week. It's inappropriate on a lot of levels.

Third, what counseling have you done? For yourself? What about as a couple with your husband? You are bringing a baby into a very volatile situation and you both need to be very clearly on the same page as to how you are going to handle SS, each other and the new baby.

Fourth, seeing as the whole felony child abuse charges were faked and ruined your life, why haven't you filed slander charges against BM? If BM did that to me, I would go at her like a lion chasing a gazelle. She would be more than sorry that she ever poked that beast.

I agree with everything mary said. I'm so sorry for everything you've faced.

I love my husband. Truly and deeply and with all of my heart. But I would absolutely never stay in a situation this toxic. Your husband has played a role in this. I'm not saying he's to blame, but his actions and inactions need to be examined and discussed especially in terms of bringing another baby into your family.  

Again, I am so sorry. 

bosmomndad:

I don't blame the child at all, but it seems like I am the only one with my head screwed on straight when it comes to him and the reality of the situation and it is so frustrating!

...

I could literally write a book, and have in a way, I've kept a notebook of all the things SS has done and said, 

...

 I cannot help SS, but I can protect this baby. It is a sad and terrible thing that I have to protect this baby from him at all, especially when it is still in the womb, but thats the way it is, and I don't know what else to do.

Why haven't you gone to CPS with all of this? You say you've documented all of his behaviors, and you clearly know that if this little boy is going to be helped, you are the only one in his life who is going to take action now.

He is not going to get better on his own.

I could not sit on this information without beating on doors until I found someone who would help. I know, as do you, that this SHOULD be your husband's responsibility, and I am partly in agreement with what everyone else wrote that I could not stand by a man like this and would consider getting out simply over his lack of involvement in his own son's health, but if no one else is going to do something, you have to.  You have to.

bosmomndad:

I have talked to my husband. He totally agrees with me on the card, but has never and will never stand up to his mother on this or anything else.

This is a big problem.

And, I'm confused.  As a former social worker, wouldn't you know the system better than anyone on who to contact for help?

Also, aren't you a MANDATED reporter for child abuse?  How can you not have talked to anyone yet?

bosmomndad:

I don't blame the child at all, but it seems like I am the only one with my head screwed on straight when it comes to him and the reality of the situation and it is so frustrating! MIL blames BM BM blames MIL DH just sticks his head in the sand, and I am left reeling in disbelief that people can be so blind. I read an article today titled "I Am Adam Lanza's Mother" it was an article written after the shooting by a woman with a young teen son who is mentally ill. It was on MSN news today. What people fail to see, especially my MIL and the BM is that sometimes people are born with mental health issues. It is organic, chemical, and yes, definitely either helped or hurt by the environment they are raised in, but it is REAL. It is not something that is going to go away, it not something that will get better by ignoring it, praying about it, defending it, making excuses for it, masking it, and worst of all, giving in to it and fueling the fire of someone that feeds on mental domination. I do not sleep with my bedroom door unlocked the one night a week he is in my home. I quit doing that after I woke up one morning to find him standing over me with a butter knife with the most blank, void, and cold look in his eyes and him telling me, "see, I told you I could get a knife and kill you." Three days before that incident he got mad at me and threw a screamingnbsp;possessionnbsp;level fit because his dad got out to pump gas and he was not allowed to get out too, and told me then that he was going to get a knife and cut me and kill me and stab me to death, what is even more disturbing than those statements is that he made them, and then apparently plotted for three days and came in my room days later and did what he did.nbsp;My dog had puppies a month before I had Bo, and my DH took one to MIL's house and gave it to the child. He held it down in the yard and tried to gouge his eyes out and as my DH was sprinting across the yard screaming and yelling for him to stop, let the dog up, the child looked over his shoulder at DH and gave him, what my DH called an evil vacant smile and snapped his leg into and laughed as the dog cried. The dog had to be put down as a result of this and the child NEVER showed any remorse. He tries to hurt everything, is super destructive of property, even his own, very mean to other children, it is awful. He exhibits signs of RAD and early onset Conduct Disorder, and the Dr. DH was taking him to before his BM put a stop to it was assessing him for both, but we never got a diagnosis because the Judge nbsp;said it was not right of us to take him to a Dr. without the BM's consent, she wouldn't give consent and refused to even speak to the Dr. We live over an hr from her and we took him to the closest urban area to us which would have been 2 hrs from her, and she refused to make the drive and has opted to send him to a counselor where she lives instead. I am sorry, but that is not going to do squat. nbsp;There is nothing, that we know of, that my DH can do. In their divorce decree it is ordered that they have equal say in any medical care he gets, and if they can't agree then the judge decides, she did, and she made the wrong choice.nbsp;I agree, that on the broad scope of things, the card seems like an insignificant matter, but I feel so perpetually backed into a corner and like our life is always so bogged down with DRAMA that one simple thing should be easy for a change and not be tied to all the things that have done nothing but cause me grief. I guess i don't see it as a Christmas card really, I see it as a pregnancy announcement from my husband and I to our friends and family, and I guess I walk around in perpetual protection mode that I feel territorial of this baby already. I know what struggles my child is going to face due to MIL's complete and total obsession with DH's son, I see it already with her other grandchildren, and I am set on defense as a mother already because I don't want my child being put on the back burner. Also, he is so wild and out of control, he would ruin the picture, especially if he caught on that it was something important to me, his ODD is so severe, if he thinks he can defy you he will go to any lengths to do so. I guess I am just pissed that I even have to mull this type of thing over and stress out over something that should be fun and exciting and have to feel obligated to include him. Everything has just been so stressful for so long, our lives are dominated by stress and drama that either he, his BM or my MIL creates that I just wanted one thing to be free from all of that and just be about us and our news.He will be my child's half brother, that is true, but maybe it has to do with the way I was raised, I have a half brother and half sister, both older than I am, who came to our home every other weekend, and we never had a relationship or a bond and still don't to this day. I have a full sister that is younger than me and she's like my other half. Everyone is different, I have friends that have step children that call them their kids, and seem very bonded, and then I have others that say they are their spouses children, not theirs. In all honesty, I don't want my child around him, or at least I want the exposure limited, for multiple reasons. One, his behavior is frightening at times even to adults, two, I am genuinely concerned he will try and harm the baby, three, I don't want my child to grow up thinking that kind of behavior is acceptable or that it is the way to act in order to gain control and get your way, Four, I just want to shield my baby from all of this whole mess. I feel guilty for even having a child, but at the same time feel like I have a right to be a mother to my own child just like anyone else. I had no idea, at the time I started my relationship with DH that this would be how things would turn out. Had I known, I would have RAN in the opposite direction and never looked back. But, I did not know, and I fell in love. We have known each other since we were 13, but never dated, never ran in the same circles, and did not reconnect until we were 27, even though we went to the same University for 4 years. He is my best friend, and having Bo, going thru that together, has solidified and strengthened our bond tenfold. If we didn't have the love and connection we have we would have crashed and burned way before we lost Bo. I cannot and will not lose him or the future we have planned over this, even though some days I think that must make me certifiable. nbsp;I could literally write a book, and have in a way, I've kept a notebook of all the things SS has done and said, I could write a post that would never end over all of the episodes and disturbing behaviors, I am just wore out with it all, and distancing myself and removing myself from actively participating in it is the only protection I have. It is the only way I can cope mentally and now, the only way I can protect my child, who I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I KNOW others that read this, even if they don't admit it will feel it to, my child is my child and SS is not, and having buried one child in the ground due to DRAMA directly related to SS, I am not willing to do it again, my little baby to be comes first and nbsp;rightfully so. I cannot help SS, but I can protect this baby. It is a sad and terrible thing that I have to protect this baby from him at all, especially when it is still in the womb, but thats the way it is, and I don't know what else to do.nbsp;

Holy drama batman.  There is no way I would bring a newborn into that situation.  You need to leave.  Your husband is doing nothing to protect you, what is a defenseless child going to do?  He can't pick one child over the other.  That's not fair to him.

His son obviously needs intensive psychiatric care.  Until he is getting that routinely, his behaviors have changed, and your husband is able to grow some balls and stand up to his ex and his mother, move the eff out.  Stay with a friend, stay with family, but remove yourself from that toxic situation.  

Something needs to be done before he becomes the next Jeffrey Dahmer, Dylan Klebold, Adam Lanza.  That is way more important than a Christmas card. 

Wow, this is a lot of drama. Sometimes love is not enough. If you know there is a situation that is not right for you, you need to walk away. You need to protect your unborn child from a situation like this. 

I know you love your husband but are you willing to live like this for the rest of your life? He might be nice and caring but being a man and a good father, means to have the balls to stand up to his mother and stand up to his child.

Have you been to individual counselling? You are dealing with a lot of things and I think that it would tremendously help.  

If you and your DH agree on the Christmas card then get it done? Who cares what MIL or anyone else's opinion is?

I'm really sorry for your loss and I wish you the very best in this pregnancy.

I hope you find a really good counsellor and have a great support network. You will need to be very strong in yourself to make this relationship work.

You do blame your SS and that is the wrong approach. The poor little boy is a product of a crazy mother, spineless father and over involved grandmother. Add a SM who hates him and a half sibling he is denied a relationship with and you are
asking for trouble with this kid.

An environment of love and security is what every child needs and deserves to
grow. If you truly are a social worker then you must know that.

However after what you have been through this year I think it is best for you all that you take time to work on yourself and get to a good place in life. You truly have been through the mill and I am so sorry that happened to you.  Focus on yourself this year and revaluate your relationship with your SS in a year or so.

HOWEVER in that time your DH NEEDS to work hard on helping his son.

My husband has lived almost 30 years being totally dominated by his mother. She is the most overbearing control freak I have EVER met and everyone but me just seems so conditioned to it that ignoring her and never stepping on her toes is their coping mechanism. A few months after we started dating she tried to start a bunch of crap with me, wrote a letter to me accusing me of cheating on my DH, trying to separate their lovely God fearing family (She is a religious fanatic), all kinds of CRAZY stuff. She is very passive agressive as well. I, not being raised by her, was like hell no, and confronted her and told her off. I immediately became the devil and she set about destroying my reputation ( I was a school teacher at the time in the same school as her and she made life very hard for me), anyway, after I did the UNTHINKABLE and stood up to her, we cut ties, moved, and did not see or speak to her for a year. She still saw SS regularly however because she paid BM 100 a week, basically using the fact that she is a greedy hag to buy time with the child. 

As far as her keeping the child now, there is no other option. Since he is school aged, the judge ruled that they keep joint custody but he go to school in the town where the mother lives. So, he is there Sunday night thru Thurs morn and my husband picks him up from school Thurs. My husband is off Thurs nights, but that is it. So, Fri-Sun, he is not home at night and i am not keeping the child ever again. Sounds harsh, but I am severely traumatized, have PTSD and acute anxiety now because of everything they put me thru, and I am not ever going to allow the BM to use and abuse me again. 

As for the criminal charges, u want to talk about shock!!! U should have been us. Here we were, normal every day citizens, or at least I was, totally naive to the ways of the law if someone wants to use it against u. My husband works in law enforcement for the state for DOC even. I thought the same thing u did, no way,  this cop is just one of many and he is just trying to scare me, no way will it go further, but little did I know, the Sheriff's Office where we lived was one of the most corrupt and disgraceful agencies in the state. The officer that did it was the supervisor. He was the lieutenant and had been doing this kind of thing to people for almost a decade. The main reason their case fell apart is because after he created the mess he did, he refused to show at court on two different occasions, because he knew my attorneys were going to expose him. He NEVER showed his face again. Then, after the Judge dismissed it, he was investigated by the state's internal affairs for corruption, abuse of power, fraud, theft, stealing drugs from the evidence room and reselling them on the street, and he is no longer employed there. I am suing him personally and the Sheriff's Office as well and also the BM and my employer at the time for wrongful termination and slander. 

We have told the attorney's all about his behaviors. The judge just seemed sick to death of dealing with BM so she made her ruling to get her out of her hair. She has him in counseling, but I do not believe even for one second that that is enough. The doctor we were taking him to said he needed a full workup done and most likely would need meds, but he would not be able to be put on them until he was 5.  

Thanks, XMARYRICKX, Yes. my heart is broken forever. 

As for DH, we are on our third attorney and were told we cannot get a different judge as in the county this takes place she is the only family court judge and we cannot transfer it to another county because the divorce decree was originally issued from there.

I agree with you on the MIL, but like I said in the post before, we have no other options. My husband works all weekend, at night, so there is no daycare.

I have been in counseling since Bo died. She is as lost about what to do as I am.

 I am suing her, the officer, the Sheriff's Office, and my former employer. TRUST me, if I could retaliate the way I really wanted to, she'd be sucking her food thru a straw the rest of her life, but, I am not going to suffer any more legally because of her, just not worth it, so I am seeking justice the right way through lawsuits.  

First of all, PROM doesn't always have a cause. It happened to my sister there was no cause. I'm sorry that you lost your child but placing blame on anyone is not going to help you deal with that loss. BM did not kill your child. Everyone would like to blame someone when they loose a child in this way or via miscarriage but there is no one to blame because you shouldn't blame yourself either.

Secondly, if you were a caseworker you should know how to pick up the phone and call CPS if all this were true and who chooses to bring more children into a household like this.

Thirdly, I'm sorry but your DH is way more to blame for this then you want to admit. It's his child and he is not responsible for him...period. This is a 4 year old he needs someone to help him and you ALL are to blame if he doesn't get help. Yes, You too because he has supposedly threatened your life and you have done nothing.

And it's apparent you don't want to help him, you want him to go away. He's not going to unless you leave your DH so if you want nothing to do with him you better pack your bags but that doesn't mean your child won't get to see him. Without documentation of his violent ways, you won't be able to prohibit your DH's family or your DH from letting them see each other.

bosmomndad:

Thanks, COLE2144, I guess I just feel torn right now because I know exactly what will happen if I stand up to MIL, as I have done so before and it caused WWIII and we didn't see or speak to her for a year, and right now, given the situation as it is, with me not willing to be with the child alone, and rightfully so, she. has to be in the picture. I have just been through so much, and seriously, aside from this, my husband and I have a great time together and are so close and love each other so much, and the thought of my marriage failing as well after they have cost me so much already is more than I can take. I just feel like I am in a battle here for my marriage because I deserve to have my husband, just not all the baggage he is.

I understand that you are frustrated but this is  his child. You do not have the right to ask him to give up his child or push him out of your family because you do not want to deal with him. If you can not handle the situation or feel it is unsafe, you need to leave. DH has a responsibility to man up and fight to get his son the help he needs.

J&A2008, we have gone to CPS. I worked for several years in CPS. It is a flawed and very broken system. I have been on both sides of it now and the stories I could tell. The last time we made a referral, another investigation was done, but because BM is a first class manipulator and con artist, she was able to cover it, make excuses, and got it ruled as unconfirmed with court supervision (same court, same judge that has been absolutely useless), 

I have lost all faith in CPS, as a citizen and as a worker. U can't get help with allegations alone, words alone, notes written down, apparently not evn when you have a medical doctor, a child psychatrist no less reporting to the court that the child is deeply disturbed. BM has convinced the court, who has never seen the child or dealt with his true behaviors, she has convinced the judge that we are blowing things out of proportion and just trying to cause trouble for her in retaliation for what she did to me.

For the last few months, I think my husband has been able to convince himself that he is getting better. He's not. Yes, the fits have lessened and the behaviors have not been as severe as before, but that is only because he is catered to 24/7, never challenged, never told no, he runs the show and a child with ODD, this is their version of paradise. If you read up on it, they are obsessed with dominating people they view as authority figures and obsessed with control and as long as they are given those things they have nothing to trigger the rage. 

Has your husband ever pursued any free services through the county health department?  I know around preschool age a lot of areas will offer to do a couple home visits to assess how ready the child is for kindergarten, discuss developmentally appropriate milestones, games, etc.

You know other school teachers.  Have you ever had one of them over to your house for a friendly visit to observe SS?  Maybe the school psychologist?

bosmomndad:

I have lost all faith in CPS, as a citizen and as a worker. U can't get help with allegations alone, words alone, notes written down, apparently not evn when you have a medical doctor, a child psychatrist no less reporting to the court that the child is deeply disturbed. BM has convinced the court, who has never seen the child or dealt with his true behaviors, she has convinced the judge that we are blowing things out of proportion and just trying to cause trouble for her in retaliation for what she did to me.

We have been there.   You cannot give up hope and you cannot give up on that child.

I could tell you our whole history with judges, druggie BM, abusive boyfriend, our own attorney telling us we had no other options, but I will just reiterate: you cannot just turn your back on this situation and throw up your hands.  Again, this is your husband's RESPONSIBILITY to HIS CHILD, but I will say it to you, too, since you're here and you are his stepmother. 

I am reading, and I just see excuses.

What my DH had to do was take matters into his own hands, drop his attorney and file motions pro se.  He did everything he could to get the court's attention.

Do you think BM does anything that has made his behavior this way?  She sounds crazy.  Do you think there is any physical abuse?  Anything a private investigator could help you discover?

You have explore all avenues.

Eventually, something bad enough will happen that this child will get someone's attention.