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12-20-2012 at 7:59 PM
alysonjill
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alysonjill is not online. Last active: 05-24-2013, 4:52 AMBronze

Anyone else frustrated with friends??

I just got finished talking to DH about this, but it is still on my mind and I thought someone here might understand...or make me feel like I am not crazy!

Its 3 weeks now since my D&E and we've told a handful of friends and family. People were always nice and supportive when they heard the news and of course asked how I was doing. What is upsetting me though is that the majority of friends expressed their condolences when first hearing about the m/c, but then never asked me again (or DH) how I am doing. Its as if they think the loss is a one day thing and then you move on. Am I crazy to think that it would be nice if these people who are so-called "best friends" of mine would check on me every so often to see how I am holding up? DH says that unless they've been through it, they don't know how to react and act. I do understand what he is saying, but it is still hard to not be upset by what seems like a lack of compassion.

Is anyone else experiencing this type of feeling? If so, did you say anything to your friends or family to let them know that you are still going through lots of emotions?

Its just a lonely feeling....and thats why I am so, so, so thankful for this board. You ladies have been a savior! 


10/24/2012: BFP#1 EDD 7/3/13, missed m/c @ 9 weeks, D&E procedure DX: Septate Uterus. Awaiting further surgery on May 14th to remove the rest of the septum
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12-20-2012 at 8:39 PM
snegde
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I am sorry your dealing with that, I am sure they have no idea but it hurts just the same. I promise to PM you tomorrow I'm on my phone so I can't do it now.



BFP#1 11.14.12 (MC 12.2.12) EDD 7.24.13 TTC since 2.12 My Ovulation Chart
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12-20-2012 at 8:40 PM
JustDoIt62...
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Saturday will be 3 weeks for me since I had Preston. The first 5 days we were constantly surrounded by friends: bringing us food, spending time with us, etc. Then we had his funeral, and I haven't seen or heard from anyone since other than a random comment on a random FB status. Definitely nothing to deal with how I was/am doing, etc. When I blogged what took place during my pregnancy last week, and when I blogged earlier this week about the results of the pathology report, I got a few comments, but its not like anyone contacted me directly.

It's been hard, but I know people are scared to say the wrong thing or that I might be any second for losing it. I had a friend ask me if I was prescribed depression medication during that first week and I think that she was truly surprised when I told her no, I wasn't prescribed anything. I think that some people are afraid to "catch" miscarriage too, like it's a disease.. at least that's how some people treat it. It's such a taboo thing people prefer to ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist until it happens to them.

I personally haven't discussed it with my friends, and I doubt I will. We'll eventually just grow out of it or grow apart unfortunately. I hope your friends come around soon and see that this is not just a "done and gone" sort of thing. (((hugs)))


Peanut BFP 9.18.2009 EDD 5.23.2010 blighted ovum D&C 10.16.2010
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12-20-2012 at 9:03 PM
grace806
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grace806 is not online. Last active: 05-16-2013, 6:18 AMNewbie

I've had two losses and found that my first loss it was a HUGE deal to everyone. While I appreciated the support it was very hard to move on because it was always mentioned. This time it is not brought up at all. It saddens me but at the same time I was overwhelmed last time.  I wish there was a happy medium.   

 I get where you are coming from though. It seems unless you experience miscarriage you just don't get it.  

 
12-21-2012 at 12:08 AM
sonrisa
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Unfortunately that is normal.  We've gone through few difficult things these past few year and that is the norm. Lean on your husband primarily. Tell other people explicitly what you need. When they know, a few will rise to the occasion. Give them the chance. 

I'll send you some virtual hugs. 

 
12-21-2012 at 6:28 AM
camdenfait...
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camdenfaithful is not online. Last active: 05-23-2013, 12:12 PMSilver

It stinks, but you'll find many other ladies here likely are in the same position.

You're DH is right and unless you've been through the pain you never really know what it is like.  Think back to when you may have heard someone had a miscarriage (prior to having one yourself), did you keep asking how they were doing a month, 6 weeks, 6 months later or remember their EDD?  I know I didn't.

My best friend had a loss 3 years ago and I remember not really getting why she was still sad after so much time had passed.  I didn't judge her, I just didn't get it.

I've never come out and directly said anything to someone unless they said something that was truly offensive or really upset me.  I do, however, answer truthfully when people ask how I'm doing.

I think because miscarriage is still sort of a taboo subject that doesn't get talked about a lot, people sort of expect you to hold in your feelings and move along. 


The new bump ate my siggy.  
12-21-2012 at 8:16 AM
femmepink
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Yeah, I've definitely experienced that. Sometimes I have to remind them that there certain things I'm just not ready to do yet, like drinking my face off and partying. The thought of doing that right now just makes me cringe at how much it's a reminder of how pregnant I am NOT. I do have to remind them, but they've been pretty good at understanding and accommodating their plans for how I feel.

Maybe just remind them, you're still going through this, it's a process.

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12-21-2012 at 8:48 AM
snegde
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YGPM!



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12-21-2012 at 9:55 AM
marylauren...
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camdenfaithful:

It stinks, but you'll find many other ladies here likely are in the same position.

You're DH is right and unless you've been through the pain you never really know what it is like.  Think back to when you may have heard someone had a miscarriage (prior to having one yourself), did you keep asking how they were doing a month, 6 weeks, 6 months later or remember their EDD?  I know I didn't.

My best friend had a loss 3 years ago and I remember not really getting why she was still sad after so much time had passed.  I didn't judge her, I just didn't get it.

I've never come out and directly said anything to someone unless they said something that was truly offensive or really upset me.  I do, however, answer truthfully when people ask how I'm doing.

I think because miscarriage is still sort of a taboo subject that doesn't get talked about a lot, people sort of expect you to hold in your feelings and move along. 

all of this. before I wouldn't have known how to have acted to a friend going thru something like this.

what's crazy is sometimes I want to talk about it and sometimes I am holding back tears hoping people don't bring it up. so I really don't know what I want. when friends ask me how I am doing though I tell them the truth.


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12-21-2012 at 2:51 PM
alysonjill
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Thank you ladies! I appreciate all of your advice and feedback. I think you are all right in saying that before going through this, none of us knew how serious it was or how to approach someone who has gone through a loss. I cannot blame my friends and family for their lack of actions. When/if they do ask how I am doing, I will be honest and not just pretend everything is just great.

I knew you ladies would set me straight ;) 


10/24/2012: BFP#1 EDD 7/3/13, missed m/c @ 9 weeks, D&E procedure DX: Septate Uterus. Awaiting further surgery on May 14th to remove the rest of the septum
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12-21-2012 at 8:26 PM
jenkellen
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Yes miscarriage is a hard subject for friends/family. I have to be honest, when my sister had a miscarriage 2 years ago I didn't understand it either and didn't really know what to do. Now being through it I have a better understanding going through it and will be a lot more sensitive to others. 

I remember when my father died no one ever asked how I was doing, only how my mom was doing. But my husband told me..."Your friends know you are going to be OK, and if you need them you'll tell them." He was so right. I think with this it's the same. If you tell them honestly how you feel, I'm sure they will check in more often to see how they are doing. Hugs to you.


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12-31-2012 at 9:42 PM
Crunkal
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I am so sorry for your loss, and that you are going through this.I know exactly how you feel. I was out of work for three weeks, waiting to miscarry naturally, and then to be fit to return to work. I never received a single call from any of my "friends". Really put things into perspective for me. 


EDD 1/20/13 MC 5/23/12 @6wk EDD 4/27/13 MC 8/29/12 @5wk EDD 7/16/13 MC 12/14/12 @7wk EDD 1/18/14 MC 05/23/13 @5wk6days  
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