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12-21-2012 at 3:53 PM
ccda1079
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ccda1079 is not online. Last active: 02-13-2013, 5:48 PMNewbie

I'm new - a short rant

I've been struggling with this full-time working mom thing for awhile and I just had to vent about a comment I heard today that is really bugging me.

 Brief backgroud - DH and I both work full-time and have 2 little boys. My DH is disabled which means that I pick up most of the housework but he helps out a lot by distracting and entertaining the kids.

Anyway, the VP of my company was in my office this afternoon chatting about Christmas and he said that he really needs to get home and help his wife (SAHM) before she goes "crazy" with all of her last-minute Christmas stuff.

I replied "yeah, I'm trying to keep myself from going crazy". He looked at me totally baffled and said "why?". I replied "Because I don't have a stay at home wife to do all of those things. I have to do them all myself AFTER I get done with work." I mean seriously, his wife has one child in school and no job. I'm sorry if I don't feel too bad for her "crazy" schedule.

All of the guys here at my level (upper management) ALL have stay at home wives. They have no clue of how I deal with things. They brag about working 50+ hours a week but I just don't have that luxury.

This kind of stuff is said all of the time and I just had to vent about it!!
 
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12-21-2012 at 4:27 PM
shannm
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I know it sucks trying to balance everything, having so many irons in the fire, etc.. But maybe you over interpreted his question? I would have just said, "yeah, I left a lot of things for the last minute too."
You will drive yourself nuts comparing what you do with other moms whether they are stay at home or part time out of the house or with school ages kids, etc.. She probably is going crazy. Everything is relative and everyone's situation is different.
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12-21-2012 at 4:29 PM
Iblametheb...
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I have a displacement theory of stress.

It goes like this: we all have a certain level of stress we gravitate towards, even if we claim not to like it.  And we will take on and hand off tasks in order to stay roughly in that stress level.

I fully believe that if I was a SAHM, I would be just as stressed as I am now.  I would be stressed about whatever 12 volunteer things I'd signed up for at the kids' school.  I'd be stressed about finishing photo books for my mom and MIL for Christmas.  I'd be stressed about baking my grandma's favorite cookies and getting the kids to her nursing home to drop them off in matching holiday outfits.  I'd be stressed about getting the outfits cleaned and ironed again before Christmas Eve.  I'd be stressed about dropping off meals for friends with new babies and helping neighbors whose kids were sick and picking out the right cards to give to our mail lady and trash collectors.  The list goes on.

Because I'm "too busy" a lot of those things fall through the cracks for me.  Our tree has no ornaments yet.  The kids' teachers got gifts but no thank you notes.  But if I could, I would be putting more care into all of those things, and I would still feel like my plate was over-ful.    

So I guess I'm saying give the SAHM's some slack.  They probably *are* feeling just as stressed as you are.  Granted, some of the stress is of their own making, but our stress is of our own making too, you know?  

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12-21-2012 at 4:33 PM
ccda1079
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ccda1079 is not online. Last active: 02-13-2013, 5:48 PMNewbie
I know that I took it differently than he meant it and I know that I'm way too sensitive to these types of comments. I know it's all relative and I try to avoid the "grass is always greener" type of thinking. I know SAHMs work hard and just have different issues. It's just really hard to always feel like I'm trying to keep up in both fields (home and work). I have to keep up at work with the male executives who have a SAHW (which is impossible) and keep up with the SAHMs who send out beautiful Christmas cards, have time to volunteer in their kids classroom, make a nutritious dinner every night, go to the gym, etc (which is impossible). Not to mention still maintain time for my husband, for myself and keep our house running. I just feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. 
 
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12-21-2012 at 4:35 PM
Iblametheb...
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ccda1079:
I know that I took to differently than he meant it and I know that I'm way too sensitive to these types of comments. I know it's all relative and I try to avoid the "grass is always greener" type of thinking. I know SAHMs work hard and just have different issues. It's just really hard to always feel like I'm trying to keep up in both fields (home and work). I have to keep up at work with the male executives who have a SAHW (which is impossible) and keep up with the SAHMs who send out beautiful Christmas cards, have time to volunteer in their kids classroom, make a nutritious dinner every night, go to the gym, etc (which is impossible). Not to mention still maintain time for my husband, for myself and keep our house running. I just feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. 

Oh, yeah, that will kill you.  Or at least end your marriage.  Stop competing with the SAHMs.  Tell them how grateful you are that they are volunteering in the classroom.  Contribute extra to fundraisers instead.  And buy some precooked vegetables and a rotisserie chicken.  Voila, nutrition.
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12-21-2012 at 4:38 PM
aglenn
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Ooh, I like this theory. I totally agree.

ETA: meant to quote iblamethebeer, obviously. Stupid mobile Bump.
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12-21-2012 at 4:42 PM
ccda1079
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ccda1079 is not online. Last active: 02-13-2013, 5:48 PMNewbie

I like your displacement theory and I'll try to keep that in mind. It's probably true and I'm really not trying to bash SAHMs at all. I'm just jealous of them! I feel like they have a little more control over their time. If they are feeling stressed, they can cut back on the volunteer activities or whatever else they have going on. Meanwhile, I'm struggling just to keep enough clean clothes in the house for everyone. 

And I know that many are probably jealous of me in different ways. I have a different level of freedom that a two-income family enjoys (i.e. more money).

I'm just struggling right now to find the right balance. I'm glad I found you ladies to help me put things in perspective!
 
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12-21-2012 at 7:07 PM
ClaryPax
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I think a lot of working men with SAHW don't really understand what it is like being a WM.  However, I will say as a WM I am not stressed at all about the holidays, and usually I am.  It might be because I am pregnant and due right around this time, so I got all my presents on Amazon and have already given everyone their present.  I am not traveling to family because I don't want to be away from the hospital.  And since family is coming to see the baby, they are not coming for Christmas.  Its really nice- try not to stress too much about the holidays, so not worth it.  Also I made my H do all the Christmas cards since I did all the shopping- it was awesome! 

Maybe if you have some extra money, it might help you out to hire someone to clean the house or help with outside work since your DH can't.  

 
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12-21-2012 at 8:32 PM
leah2b
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I'll admit that I have the same exact thoughts and sentiments that you do, though I probably would probably not have had the courage to say it out loud - lol.  I really get annoyed when I hear how "hard" it is to be a SAHM and how being a full time mom is the hardest job in the world.  I kind of want to say, "ya, try being a working mom."

I work in a male dominated work environment as well, where long hours are the norm.  Yes, many of the men have stay at home wives.  THey have no idea how hard it is to be in a duel income home.

 
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12-21-2012 at 9:28 PM
skibunny59
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I know exactly what you mean.  I can't believe he asked "why" when you said you're trying to keep yourself from going crazy.  I would think that being a SAHM is tough when your kids are with you all day but if your kids are in school then you have the entire day to do other things.
 
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12-22-2012 at 9:39 AM
lexusolsen
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I've been both a SAHM and WM and they are both hard, just in different ways. My LO was less than a year old, so I was a slave to her nap schedule once she stopped sleeping in the car seat. Also, the house gets messier when you are using it all day. The theory about stress mentioned above is very accurate.

Stop trying to compete with the SAHMs. I know it's hard. My cousin brought three different cute homemade things to our family party last night. I brought shredded beef in a crockpot :/. I could try to compete and make myself miserable or I can admire her work and move on.

Do what works best for your family and don't worry about everyone else. Life is so much better when you learn to enjoy what you have instead of lusting after what you don't.
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12-22-2012 at 3:22 PM
SoxFan777
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leah2b:

I'll admit that I have the same exact thoughts and sentiments that you do, though I probably would probably not have had the courage to say it out loud - lol.  I really get annoyed when I hear how "hard" it is to be a SAHM and how being a full time mom is the hardest job in the world.  I kind of want to say, "ya, try being a working mom."

I feel the SAME way.  Especially toward my SIL who is always reading gossip magazines and websites and then complaining how "busy" she is all the time.  She also goes regularly for her hair and massage treatments.... like, every other week.  And I could use the above argument (we have more income) but we DON'T because I'm a teacher, not a banker like her husband.  So yeah, it sucks on THIS side of the fence.  The silver lining is that I LOVE teaching and I love that I get to use this ivy league brain of mine for something other that keeping up with celebrity gossip.  EEK... Yeah, I do get jealous sometimes, but I'd rather show it on here and not in person.  <VENT OVER>
"Words go straight up in a thin line, quick and harmless... sin and love and fear are just sounds that people who never sinned nor loved nor feared have for what they never had and cannot have until they forget the words." -- Faulkner --- Missing my little one lost at 9 weeks on 2.24.13. brokenhearted but not broken... 
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12-23-2012 at 6:37 AM
ridesbutto...
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You know, as I was reading this, I was thinking what a decent guy the VP sounds like and how tuned in to his wife's needs he is.

Go ahead and vent, but if you are always or often feeling this way, then perhaps a change is in order.  Bring a cleaning service in, get a mother's helper on the weekend or whatever you need to bring about an equilibrium.
promised myself I'd retire when I turned gold, and yet here I am 
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12-26-2012 at 11:41 AM
ccda1079
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ccda1079 is not online. Last active: 02-13-2013, 5:48 PMNewbie

Thanks for the replies! I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way and it's also nice to get some perspective. I just really needed to vent that day. I agree that SAHMs work VERY hard when the kids are little (actually I don't envy them much at all, I think my office job is easier) but when kids are in school, I think being a SAHM gives you quite a bit of freedom to choose how to spend your time. And I do envy that very much.

 Anyway, my DH and I talked this weekend and we are going to look into getting a housekeeper/cook for 10-15 hours per week. Between 2 jobs, 2 kids, an hour long commute and DH's disability, I just can't do it all myself. He very much agrees and is very supportive. So I'm feeling much better!
 
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