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12-22-2012 at 3:26 PM
earthmama2...
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Question about friendship (nrb)

Hi Ladies, 

I just need an outside perspective on a close friend.  She and I have been close friends, even best friends, since our early teens and now that we are both married with children, our families have become good friends. 

My problem is that in the last year they have started cancelling plans with us. This friend has sometimes been a little "flaky" in the past, but always with good reason, eg. kids are sick, sitter cancelled etc. Now they are cancelling on big events too! The biggest being our joint family vacation last summer, where they cancelled last minute leaving us stuck with time off and nowhere to go, because they decided they would rather stay close to home. I understand that yes, it was a 6 hour drive, but we had mutually decided on the place. And to make matters worse, two weeks later they decided to take a 2 hour flight to their new destiny family vacation spot! Not really "close to home" in my mind, and they never tried to include us. Other plans they have cancelled have been New Years Eve (again last minute) our DD first bday (I actually mentioned that it would be important to us if they could come so they did, although they were 2 hours late) they came for xmas dinner last year and left as soon as we had eaten (while I was serving dessert) and then just more day to day events such as dinners and play dates. Usually the excuses are that they are ill, which seems to be a lot, or that her hubby has made other plans. And the worst part is that I know they are still doing stuff and just never including us:( Just recently she mentioned that she has started attending a new yoga studio, when we used to always take classes together. It seems as though we are always the ones extending the invitations and never on the receiving end.

Lately I've been feeling really hurt as well foolish for thinking that our friendship was more important than how they seem to view it. I'm wondering all sorts of things, did I do something, are they embarrassed to be seen with us? Anyone have any input or similar experiences? 

Thank you so much in advance if you managed to read all that:) 
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12-22-2012 at 3:35 PM
NewFamily0...
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I've had friends like that.  I just cut my losses and then find new friends.  I had one friend that I kept inviting to all sorts of things and finally I decided it wasn't really a friendship. To put a different perspective on it, could there be something you are doing to turn them off?  Do your kids bite hers? Are they super active and loud? I know this sounds silly, but sometimes we can't see things about our own families that bother other people. Not saying it's definitely something you're doing but you never know.  Of course, even if there were something you're doing, it's not a good reason for her to ditch you guys.
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12-22-2012 at 3:42 PM
earthmama2...
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NewFamily09:
I've had friends like that.  I just cut my losses and then find new friends.  I had one friend that I kept inviting to all sorts of things and finally I decided it wasn't really a friendship. To put a different perspective on it, could there be something you are doing to turn them off?  Do your kids bite hers? Are they super active and loud? I know this sounds silly, but sometimes we can't see things about our own families that bother other people. Not saying it's definitely something you're doing but you never know.  Of course, even if there were something you're doing, it's not a good reason for her to ditch you guys.

Thank you so much for your reply. As far as know there is nothing I or my family has done to offend them in any sort of way. Our kids play really well together, which is another difficult aspect of this as DD really enjoys spending time with them, and I know their kids enjoy spending time with us as well. I just ran into them while shopping and her oldest boy (4) kept saying how much he misses me and then cried when we had to leave. So I'm not sure. I've made DH rack his brain to try and think of something as well:) I agree, I may just have to cut my losses. If we hang out, great, but I won't get my hopes up.
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12-22-2012 at 6:29 PM
sing4mysav...
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Yeah, I'm sorry. But seems like they'd like a bit more space. All holidays, family vacations, classes and play dates together? Kinda seems like a lot. Maybe pick and choose fewer things to invite them to and they may feel less overwhelmed and more likely to stick with plans. GL!
Married DH 2/2007 --TTC since 7/2008 2 early miscarriages, 7 IUIs with 1 c/p unexplained IF, IVF #1= Jeshua and Becca (7/15/11)-The loves of our lives!!!! "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him." 1 Samuel 1:27  
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12-22-2012 at 6:36 PM
earthmama2...
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sing4mysavior:
Yeah, I'm sorry. But seems like they'd like a bit more space. All holidays, family vacations, classes and play dates together? Kinda seems like a lot. Maybe pick and choose fewer things to invite them to and they may feel less overwhelmed and more likely to stick with plans. GL!

Yes, I'll try giving them more space. No, it's definitely not ALL holidays. Just usually the kid's bdays and our bdays if it's a big one (like 30th), and this is only the second time we've planned a family vacation together, the first time was a few years ago before the kiddies came along. I can see what you are saying though about xmas and New Years last year though. Maybe that was too much? Neither of us have family around that celebrate so that was the reason we decided to get together. We usually get together about twice a month for play dates or dinner, I'm not sure if that's too much or not? Now I'm really unsure?!?!? LOL. 
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12-22-2012 at 7:41 PM
mamastich
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Have you thought about just asking her?
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12-22-2012 at 7:53 PM
ThatWasAHo...
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Yeah that stinks.  I have friends that say they want to do stuff, but when push comes to shove, they'd rather spend the evening alone together.  I'd say maybe your friends are becoming more hermit-like, too, but you said they do other things.  Maybe they feel like they're just growing apart from you and don't; want to hurt your feelings? 

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12-22-2012 at 8:53 PM
SarahL77
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mamastich:
Have you thought about just asking her?

This is what I was thinking. If my best friend started acting this way, I would flat out ask her if something was going on.

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12-22-2012 at 9:10 PM
gracefulru...
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mamastich:
Have you thought about just asking her?

This. If you are as close as you think you are, then I would definitely confront her about it. Either way, you'll have your answer and drawing out a possible negative answer is harder because you'll just keep holding out hope until you know for sure. Good luck!
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12-22-2012 at 10:07 PM
earthmama2...
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Thank you ladies so much for your responses. Yes, I have asked her about it twice in the past regarding two different situations. The first being xmas, when they suddenly left. We thought that we had done something to offend them, and when I asked she said that they were "just tired" The second occasion being for DD's 1st Bday when they declined to come. I talked to her and let her know how important it would be to us if they were able to make it, but if they couldn't that was fine too and that we'd save them some cake;) Her reason for them not coming was that they "just aren't really into birthdays" which I found odd as they've had parties for their children. 

You're right though, I should just speak to her in general terms, as it would be harder to make up an excuse. I would love to know the real reason, if there is one. Thank you again for all of your input!  

*Edit* To be completely honest, I'm a bit of a chicken and am nervous about her response!  
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12-23-2012 at 8:37 AM
Shelleybel...
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earthmama2011:

Thank you ladies so much for your responses. Yes, I have asked her about it twice in the past regarding two different situations. The first being xmas, when they suddenly left. We thought that we had done something to offend them, and when I asked she said that they were "just tired" The second occasion being for DD's 1st Bday when they declined to come. I talked to her and let her know how important it would be to us if they were able to make it, but if they couldn't that was fine too and that we'd save them some cake;) Her reason for them not coming was that they "just aren't really into birthdays" which I found odd as they've had parties for their children. 

You're right though, I should just speak to her in general terms, as it would be harder to make up an excuse. I would love to know the real reason, if there is one. Thank you again for all of your input!  

*Edit* To be completely honest, I'm a bit of a chicken and am nervous about her response!  

 

Is it possible that they are having financial issues and perhaps embarrassed to disclose.  All of these things seem to revolve around spending money, ie: vacation, birthdays etc.   
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12-23-2012 at 4:44 PM
CurlingRoc...
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To me, it sounds like you have grown apart and just haven't faced it yet.  There could be any number of reasons for this, including that your lives have simply come to a point where you need to part ways.  I wouldn't read into it that she's embarrassed by you or that you did a specific thing to make her mad if she isn't giving clues that those are the things that have happened.  Growing apart happens in most relationships in life.  It is painful, and we've all been through it.  But it is natural, even if you try to stop it.  I would either stop extending the invitations so often, maybe focusing on really important things like birthdays but leaving out everyday things like playdates to see if this changes her behavior.  And if it doesn't know that you've simply grown apart and move on.  Or call her and say something like "Betty, I've been feeling hurt lately because I feel like you are avoiding me.  I don't want to think that you would do that maliciously, so I thought I'd ask if you feel like we are drifting apart."  And take it from there.  She may still want to be your friend but need a little more space or she may feel like she doesn't want you in her life at all.  Either way, you need to be willing to accept what she tells you because you cannot force her to feel or behave any certain way.  GL!
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12-24-2012 at 9:36 AM
lilmejo
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My only advice is not try not to stress over it and if you still want them in your life accept that things may not be like they were before, but they can still be a part of your lives, on a much lesser scale. We were very close with our neighbors, prior to having our DS (they already had 2 children and now a third born shortly after our son). In those days I had so much time I dedicated a lot of it to them, their childrens plays and just hanging out. When our LO arrived obviously that changed. And I think a bit of resentment and also we were no longer "cool", single and staying out with them. I was really hurt by the sudden disassociation and still do get upset when I see that they are doing things with other friends, but I have come to the realization that when we had our son we changed and we have two very different parenting styles and so things don't mesh as well as they did before. We are still friends, we just arent as close as we used to be. We have begun hanging out more with my gf's that have children who share similar ideals and are more our type and it's working out great. Sometimes I think our lives change and people will come in and out, we just have to go with the ebb and flow of it all
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12-24-2012 at 1:03 PM
ExpectantS...
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I'm not even a regular on this board (usually on SAHM and dd's birth month board), but I was lurking because it's slow.

Just wanted to say that it is a tough situation...you probably don't want to just let the friendship go, but also don't want to make it awkward, etc.

A very wise friend of mine coined an acronym QTIP meaning Quit Taking It Personally.  Unless she has come to you and said you are doing something wrote, don't assume her behavior is about you.  You don't know what is going on within their family to make her make the choices she is.  

My advice is that if she continues the behavior, then ask yourself, do you still enjoy inviting her on the chance she'll come?  If so, keep doing it.  If it hurts you too much, then stop and see what happens.   I hope it works out though!
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12-24-2012 at 3:38 PM
mbenit4
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I wouldn't worry about it if you know you haven't done anything to anyone. You guys don't have to do everything together. Maybe they wanted to do some things on their own and didn't know how to tell you guys without offending anyone. Seems (from your post) maybe you were doing too much.

Just stop extending and let the chips fall where they may. 

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