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12-27-2012 at 10:57 AM
MrsMuq
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NBSR: Destination wedding gift ettiquette

We're attending a destination wedding about 2000 miles away for a friend from college. I'm in the bridal party. We are flying in early for the pre-wedding events and staying on location at the resort where the wedding will be held.

I know what I would normally spend on a friend's wedding, but what do you think is an appropriate wedding gift?

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12-27-2012 at 11:47 AM
mrsmcdonal...
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I had a destination wedding. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I didn't expect (or want) any gifts from those that were nice enough to make the trip - I think coming to the wedding was present enough, given how expensive it is to travel/pay for the resort, etc. My MOH did get me a present for the bridal shower, and that was more than enough. I can't understand people who would expect a present on top of having people travel to the wedding. 
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12-27-2012 at 11:47 AM
StarBe
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Is it a destination wedding for just you or the bride/groom too?

If you are flying to where they live I would just stick to your standard gift giving process. If its a destination for the bride/groom too I would give a gift card or check. (I usually do a check for the wedding anyway - gift for the shower).

Now, since your post is a bit confusing... if you are asking how much to spend given the funds you are putting out to be in the wedding I always say the same thing - I give every bride/groom the same regardless if I am in the wedding or I am paying travel expenses to be there.  There is no reason they should "receive less" because of their choice in wedding locations since it is my choice to be there and be part of their big day.

Just my opinion :)

 

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12-27-2012 at 11:55 AM
MrsMuq
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I guess I'll clarify - it is a destination wedding for all involved.

I was just wondering what etiquette rules one would normally follow when attending a destination wedding - do you give the same size wedding gift you would under normal circumstances or do you adjust it based on the travel expenditures?

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12-27-2012 at 12:28 PM
daisy662
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If I were the bride I would not expect gifts however, as a guest, I would never show up empty handed and would likely still give the same as if it were not a destination wedding. My wedding was a destination wedding for most guests and they were all ridiculously generous. I was amazed! I didn't expect that at all. 
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12-27-2012 at 12:32 PM
1026pumpki...
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I would spend an amount that you feel comfortable with and can afford.  While hopefully nobody expects presents, I think couples who have destination weddings are especially sensitive to the fact it's expensive for attendees, and aren't expecting expensive gifts.

If your finances are tight, I would get them a nice card and maybe a small gift- like framing their invitation or make something with their monogram, etc.
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12-27-2012 at 12:49 PM
nlscroggin...
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1026pumpkin:

I would spend an amount that you feel comfortable with and can afford.  While hopefully nobody expects presents, I think couples who have destination weddings are especially sensitive to the fact it's expensive for attendees, and aren't expecting expensive gifts.

If your finances are tight, I would get them a nice card and maybe a small gift- like framing their invitation or make something with their monogram, etc.

i second this. just spend what you are comfortable with spending. i also like the suggestion of the framing their invitation- that's kind of cool and very thoughtful and personal.  

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12-27-2012 at 12:50 PM
RoxyLynn
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MrsMuq:

I was just wondering what etiquette rules one would normally follow when attending a destination wedding - do you give the same size wedding gift you would under normal circumstances or do you adjust it based on the travel expenditures?

I don't really have "rules" or a general "size" of wedding gift.  I select a gift of something I think they'd like and spend what I can and I'm willing to based on our relationship.

I know in the NY/NJ area there's an expectation that there's some sort of cash entry fee given as a "gift" and there's a calculation behind it, but I'll never understand it.
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12-27-2012 at 1:15 PM
Estwd2
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RoxyLynn:

I know in the NY/NJ area there's an expectation that there's some sort of cash entry fee given as a "gift" and there's a calculation behind it, but I'll never understand it.

I'm from CT and yes for many in the Northeast it's standard to give a gift off the registry for the bridal shower and a cash gift at the wedding. Never thought of it as an entry fee, though. To me it makes sense to give two different kinds of gifts for the two wedding events. I've also never heard of a calculation behind it. Everyone gives what they're comfortable giving. For example, I received cash gifts at my wedding that ranged from $25 (cousins in college) to $500 (wealthy aunt).

To the OP, I agree with PPs. Give what you are comfortable giving. There's no rule behind how much money to give as a cash gift. If you cannot afford to give as much because of your travel expenses as you would if it was an at-home wedding, then factor that in. I'm sure the bride and groom will be more than grateful for anything you give.
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12-27-2012 at 1:20 PM
caladpi02
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My understanding was that if it was a destination wedding, you did not register for gifts, nor did you expect them. Having your friends and family to fly to Greece/Hawaii/France/Italy because you thought it would be a fun place to get married is a gift enough.  

However, I have seen several couples set up small registries in case people want to get them a gift, especially if they cannot come to the wedding.

I would say you are under no obligation to get a wedding present and it would be whatever you are comfortable with spending.  
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12-27-2012 at 1:55 PM
JenniD2
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I think it depends on your budget. As other PPs have said, you should not feel obligated to bring a present. However, I know that I would not feel comfortable coming to a wedding empty handed.If it were me, I would probably give the wedding couple cash. The cash amount would vary depending upon my budget and how close I am to the wedding couple.

In short, I would do what feels comfortable for you.

 
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12-27-2012 at 2:33 PM
JNCPro3130
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MrsMuq:

I guess I'll clarify - it is a destination wedding for all involved.

I was just wondering what etiquette rules one would normally follow when attending a destination wedding - do you give the same size wedding gift you would under normal circumstances or do you adjust it based on the travel expenditures?

i had a destination wedding. As others have mentioned, I didn't expect anything. I was glad people were willing to travel to be part of our special day.  Those that came with a gift brought gift cards because it was easy to pack. :) 
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12-27-2012 at 9:47 PM
rhubarb123
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caladpi02:

My understanding was that if it was a destination wedding, you did not register for gifts, nor did you expect them. Having your friends and family to fly to Greece/Hawaii/France/Italy because you thought it would be a fun place to get married is a gift enough.  

However, I have seen several couples set up small registries in case people want to get them a gift, especially if they cannot come to the wedding.

I would say you are under no obligation to get a wedding present and it would be whatever you are comfortable with spending.  

Actually, you never register for a wedding.  You do that for a shower.  Guests are really under no obligation to give a gift at the wedding or reception although most people do give one at the reception.  I would certainly never go empty handed (as one pp mentioned) but I probably would not spend as much as I normally would if I didn't have to travel to a destination wedding (meaning the couple decided to make it a destination and I wasn't just flying/driving to where they live).  In that case I would give my normal amount (based on my relationship with them).  In your case I would pick something small and personal.
 
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12-28-2012 at 2:11 PM
Liz4444
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RoxyLynn:
MrsMuq:

I was just wondering what etiquette rules one would normally follow when attending a destination wedding - do you give the same size wedding gift you would under normal circumstances or do you adjust it based on the travel expenditures?

I don't really have "rules" or a general "size" of wedding gift.  I select a gift of something I think they'd like and spend what I can and I'm willing to based on our relationship.

I know in the NY/NJ area there's an expectation that there's some sort of cash entry fee given as a "gift" and there's a calculation behind it, but I'll never understand it.

Huh?  I lived in and got married in NYC, and I grew up and now live in NJ, I have never heard of this.  Many people do give cash as a wedding gift, but I would never consider it an "entry fee".  We received a lot of envelopes, we also received many gifts off the registry (which came to our home, no one walked in with a box).  No one stood at the door only letting in people who handed over an envelope with a check in it. 

Generally (not where I live or with my friends), I know people will attempt to figure out what the cost per head is and give that as a gift.  We are Jewish, we give in multiples of 13.

OP, give what you are comfortable giving.  We are going to a destination wedding in May, I know my friend isn't expecting me to send anything because we are travelling to Sonoma, but I will send her something.

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12-29-2012 at 8:26 AM
arteri
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I probably wouldn't give money, but I would do something more personal, like pay for room service the morning after for breakfast or send strawberries and champagne to their room one of the nights they will be their or even, if the resort has different dining options, but isn't all-inclusive, see about sending them for a nice dinner on you.  This all assumes that they are spending their honeymoon at the same resort - if not, I would go a different route.

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12-29-2012 at 4:33 PM
KMac570
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I had a destination wedding, and absolutely did not expect (or even feel comfortable receiving) gifts from the people who flew to another country to celebrate with us.  We only did receive a few gifts from attendees.  We received more gifts from people who were not able to join us.
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12-29-2012 at 7:21 PM
Renee1105
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arteri:
I probably wouldn't give money, but I would do something more personal, like pay for room service the morning after for breakfast or send strawberries and champagne to their room one of the nights they will be their or even, if the resort has different dining options, but isn't all-inclusive, see about sending them for a nice dinner on you.  This all assumes that they are spending their honeymoon at the same resort - if not, I would go a different route.

This is a great idea! As for the NJ/NY comment, there is no entry fee but it is customary to give cash.

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