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12-28-2012 at 9:13 AM
March2013F...
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Recognizing Grandmothers

I was asked for a count of grandparents attending my shower. My mother is hosting my shower. I mentioned my father's wife/girlfriend and my mom freaked.

My parents have been divorced for 25 years. Now, my dad went nuts had been married several times after. He and his current partner exchanged rings and personal vows, but are not legally married a smart decision considering my dads history.

Even though they aren't legally married, I recognize her as my fathers life partner. She nursed him through cancer and despite some ups and downs, she and I have a healthy, positive relationship. My LO will call her "Nana".

I would like to recognize her as a grandparent at my shower. My mother doesn't want to.

Any tips/feedback/suggestions?
 
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12-28-2012 at 9:23 AM
RoxyLynn
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If your baby is going to recognize her as a grandmother, then your mother needs to get over it.  This issue will come up again and again - religious ceremonies, birthdays, holidays, etc. - and it's best for everyone if you set expectations now.

 If she's doing corsages for the grandmothers, offer to pay for your father's partner's corsage. 

I think it can be done well, and I would have loved it, but taking all of the crappy parts of school away from a kid isn't good for them in the long run.

There are lessons like "Not everyone likes you" and "Some people are douche bags" that you don't learn without socializing in a large group of poorly supervised children.
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12-28-2012 at 9:45 AM
Stina2012
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I'd tell Mom it's all or nothing. Either all grandparents (which it sounds like you've chosen her to be a grandparent) are honored or none are honored.

That may not answer the long term question of how she handles accepting this woman as a grandmother, but it lets her know that you intend to view this woman as a grandparent. Maybe that will be be kick in the bum mom needs to get on board!
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12-28-2012 at 11:02 AM
526SadieSa...
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I don't understand, why recognize the grandmothers at all?

Not to sound like an ass, but the guests know who they grandmothers are, why do something to point it out?  It's all about the MTB, not the GMTB, as far as I'm concerned.  My mom and MIL were congratulated by guests at my shower, they didn't need any special recognition...

I'm picturing my mom and MIL walking around in those awful sashes...not that they'd ever do that.
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12-28-2012 at 11:17 AM
PrimRoseMa...
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RoxyLynn:
If your baby is going to recognize her as a grandmother, then your mother needs to get over it.nbsp; This issue will come up again and again religious ceremonies, birthdays, holidays, etc. and it's best for everyone if you set expectations now.nbsp;If she's doing corsages for the grandmothers, offer to pay for your father's partner's corsage.nbsp;


Agree. Your mom needs to get over it. This is not about her and she needs to quit it.
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12-28-2012 at 11:21 AM
EastCoastB...
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526SadieSadie:

I don't understand, why recognize the grandmothers at all?

Not to sound like an ass, but the guests know who they grandmothers are, why do something to point it out?  It's all about the MTB, not the GMTB, as far as I'm concerned.  My mom and MIL were congratulated by guests at my shower, they didn't need any special recognition...

I'm picturing my mom and MIL walking around in those awful sashes...not that they'd ever do that.

This is where I fall too. I don't see why it's really even necessary.

But I do agree that if you feel this "must" be done - it's all or none.

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12-28-2012 at 11:25 AM
StarBe
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Ditto!

Any idea what her plans are to recognize herself?

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12-28-2012 at 11:38 AM
1026pumpki...
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I agree that it's all or nothing.  Since your mom is freaking about your dad's partner, maybe ask her to skip whatever she has planned and that you will honor the grandmothers with a toast during the shower- and then you can include them all.
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12-28-2012 at 12:18 PM
jobiann
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Everyone already knew who the grandmothers were at my showers (mostly family) so we didn't do anything special to "recognize" them. However, it sounds like your Mother needs to get over it, your Dad's whatever-she-is will be a part of the baby's life and will likely be looked at as a grandmother figure. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm surprised since they've been divorced for 25 years that she even cares.

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12-28-2012 at 12:34 PM
Estwd2
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526SadieSadie:

I don't understand, why recognize the grandmothers at all?

In some families, it's customary for mothers and grandmothers to wear corsages at bridal and baby showers, as well as weddings. Many in my family still follow this custom.
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12-28-2012 at 6:18 PM
March2013F...
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Estwd2:
526SadieSadie:

I don't understand, why recognize the grandmothers at all?

In some families, it's customary for mothers and grandmothers to wear corsages at bridal and baby showers, as well as weddings. Many in my family still follow this custom.

Exactly where I'm coming from.

i was surprised at her reaction because she could care less about my father. I think she just leant want competition with some other woman over grandmother status. I think that's crazy. She will always be the most important grandmother in my daughters life.  
 
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12-28-2012 at 10:15 PM
rhubarb123
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Legally she is NOT the GMTB - yet.  Once they are married (if that ever happens) then she will be a grandmother.  My DH's step-mother asked us specifically not to have our kids call her grandma (or any variation) and to call her by her first name.  You might want to ask her if she wants to be called "Nana"...she might not. 

I agree with the others - since it is kind of a touchy subject around your mom (just don't recognize any of the grandmothers).  Personally, I agree with your mom on this one.  This woman is NOT one the future grandmothers since she is not married to your dad (regardless of how much nursing she did for him).
 
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12-29-2012 at 6:56 AM
EastCoastB...
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rhubarb123:

This woman is NOT one the future grandmothers since she is not married to your dad (regardless of how much nursing she did for him).

WOuld you be saying this same thing if the OP's father's recognized "life partner" was a man and they lived in a state where they couldn't get married?

I often agree w/ you, rhubarb, but not on this.  The issue here isn't legal married status.  The OP feels this woman is important and SHE wants to recognize the woman as a grandmother.  That is all that matters here.  Not their married status.

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12-29-2012 at 9:42 AM
BallSox
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EastCoastBride:
rhubarb123:

This woman is NOT one the future grandmothers since she is not married to your dad (regardless of how much nursing she did for him).

WOuld you be saying this same thing if the OP's father's recognized "life partner" was a man and they lived in a state where they couldn't get married?

I often agree w/ you, rhubarb, but not on this.  The issue here isn't legal married status.  The OP feels this woman is important and SHE wants to recognize the woman as a grandmother.  That is all that matters here.  Not their married status.

I'm with ECB.  My family has all kinds of "fake" family members.  Aunt Mary worked with my grandma, Aunt Judy was a friend of my parents, Uncle Zack works with my husband...... I'm Aunt and H is Uncle to my friends kids.   Legally, no, they aren't and we aren't family, but family isn't a piece of paper, it's what you make it and if the OP wants to recognize someone as Grandma in her child's life, then Mom needs to get her head out of her ass and grow up.  

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