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12-29-2012 at 9:38 PM
nycnola
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nycnola is not online. Last active: 06-18-2013, 11:54 PMBronze

Miffed at MIL (long)

Right off the bat I will say this is totally my fault because I KNOW I should take everything my MIL says with a grain of salt, but I can't help but being miffed anyways. 

We live in a different city than both our families. MIL has constantly been saying she will come and stay when we have #2. She says this often. DH and I have been planning on having our second in the summer for a long time, so much so that we would casually ask MIL what her summer teaching schedule normally is just in case (she's a college prof). Anyways, she consistently said "first session, first session". We get pregnant on schedule and everything. Perfect timing, because the last day of first session is  a couple days before when my planned section will be if I don't go into labor. Last week we tell her we are starting to work on a plan with friends and whatnot what we will do with DD if I go into labor and when would MIL be available to come and for how long. She says "I am teaching the first session and I can come for however long you need". Awesome. DH and I sit down that night and figure out an ideal timeline. The next day is CHristmas Eve and I am skyping with her, and she says nonchalantly "I am teaching the first and second sessions, May-end of June, and beginning of July-August." Um...what? I say, "Oh, because based on what you said before we thought you would be available for a longer period of time, etc...". Of course, it turns into a thing, and MIL's two best suggestions are 1) we fly to her city, with a newborn, a couple days after I give birth or have a section, and I stay at her house for 12 weeks or 2) she comes and gets DD#1 and takes her to MIL's house for 12 weeks. WHAT??? I get at a certain level that is generous, but really? I'm not really upset that she can't come, people work, I get it, I wouldn't have even asked her had she not mentioned it a bunch of times, and she always does this- she cannot be direct about something she thinks someone doesn't want to hear. Why can't she be direct EVER???? Argh. And then she emails DH and suggests that BIL should be the Godfather. I adore my BIL, he is awesome, but he doesn't believe in God. So....maybe not the best Godfather? Again, shouldn't become an issue, but BIL is gay and I KNOW she will make it about that, even though we pretty much just require our Godparents to at least believe in God, and I am seriously thinking she told BIL about her wishes so now we might hurt BIL's feelings, too. Oh MIL. I love her, I do, but I am SO FRUSTRATED!


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12-29-2012 at 9:56 PM
lisa5201
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Joined on 09-16-2008
Palm Beach
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lisa5201 is not online. Last active: 06-02-2013, 7:58 AMSilver

I get that it's frustrating that she just didn't tell you directly that she would be working, but I would never plan my birth around someone else's schedule. It would be nice of her to help, but ultimately it's not her responsibility at all. Sounds like if you are desperate for the help, that you'll need to find some other way to make it work that is convenient for her, ask another family member, or hire someone. She sounds like a flake, and I would def take this as a lesson learned that maybe you shouldn't count on her.

nycnola:

 he doesn't believe in God. So....maybe not the best Godfather? Again, shouldn't become an issue, but BIL is gay and I KNOW she will make it about that, even though we pretty much just require our Godparents to at least believe in God, and I am seriously thinking she told BIL about her wishes so now we might hurt BIL's feelings, too. Oh MIL. I love her, I do, but I am SO FRUSTRATED!

 I'm a little confused about this part of your post. Are you saying MIL would accuse you of not letting BIL be the godfather because he is gay? I would think her opinion of you is pretty low if she thinks his sexual orientation would prevent you from choosing him as the godfather. I would be furious if someone accused me of being a bigot, which is, essentially, what I think your implying


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12-30-2012 at 6:12 AM
grace_smit...
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Joined on 05-31-2005
Longmeadow, MA
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grace_smith03 is not online. Last active: 06-19-2013, 4:13 PMSilver

I get it, and you're right to be frustrated...nothing worse than someone offering to help, and insisting on it...and when you decide to take it, it was a misunderstanding  and it turns out to be on you.  

Ugh, frustrating! 

12-30-2012 at 7:37 AM
LaineyPane...
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lisa5201:

I get that it's frustrating that she just didn't tell you directly that she would be working, but I would never plan my birth around someone else's schedule. It would be nice of her to help, but ultimately it's not her responsibility at all. Sounds like if you are desperate for the help, that you'll need to find some other way to make it work that is convenient for her, ask another family member, or hire someone. She sounds like a flake, and I would def take this as a lesson learned that maybe you shouldn't count on her.

nycnola:

 he doesn't believe in God. So....maybe not the best Godfather? Again, shouldn't become an issue, but BIL is gay and I KNOW she will make it about that, even though we pretty much just require our Godparents to at least believe in God, and I am seriously thinking she told BIL about her wishes so now we might hurt BIL's feelings, too. Oh MIL. I love her, I do, but I am SO FRUSTRATED!

 I'm a little confused about this part of your post. Are you saying MIL would accuse you of not letting BIL be the godfather because he is gay? I would think her opinion of you is pretty low if she thinks his sexual orientation would prevent you from choosing him as the godfather. I would be furious if someone accused me of being a bigot, which is, essentially, what I think your implying



Ditto every bit of this.
...and, if she sent DH an email about BIL being the Godfather, I'd send a one liner reply with something along the lines of Last time we talked to BIL about God, he said he doesn't believe in God.

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12-30-2012 at 8:59 AM
JSS1002
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JSS1002 is online. Last active: 06-19-2013, 5:28 PMSilver

I would be so frustrated by all of this, mostly because she could have just TOLD you directly her plans to work a different schedule, and avoided all this frustration, altogether.

Re: the BIL -- every family is different, and I was raised Christian but my Godparents had absolutely nothing to do with God or my religious upbringing -- it was more like "This is where you go live if something terrible happens to us and we can no longer care for you." 

However, I'd be flat-out annoyed that she's even making suggestions. I  think you two are probably perfectly capable of figuring that out on your own, and I don't even know you!


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12-30-2012 at 1:03 PM
Stardust54
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Stardust54 is online. Last active: 06-19-2013, 5:24 PMBronze
JSS1002:
I would be so frustrated by all of this, mostly because she could have just TOLD you directly her plans to work a different schedule, and avoided all this frustration, altogether.
Re: the BIL every family is different, and I was raised Christian but my Godparents had absolutely nothing to do with God or my religious upbringing it was more like "This is where you go live if something terrible happens to us and we can no longer care for you."nbsp;
However, I'd be flatout annoyed that she's even making suggestions. Inbsp; think you two are probably perfectly capable of figuring that out on your own, and I don't even know you!

I think what OP is saying about BIL not believing in God is that her wishes of having a Godparent is that he have the same values as her and her DH. The entire purpose of a Godparent is to help guide your child spiritually and religiously throughout their life. Some religions, such as Catholics require the Godparents to attend church regularly to show that they will assist in raising your child in the eyes of the church.

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