Get The Bump digital magazine >

tools: My Baby Calendar | Baby Namer | Gender Chart | How Big is Baby?

community

all boards


birth clubs


nest boards


my blog

my photos

my boards


200+ Easy Weeknight Meals!

Green living: Eco-friendly tips & tricks!

< Previous topic | Next topic >

All Boards > 3rd Trimester

Sort:
12-31-2012 at 12:45 AM
CVsanger
Not Ranked
Joined on 08-07-2012
63 Posts
1,736 Points
CVsanger is not online. Last active: 03-09-2013, 4:06 AMNewbie

Need Advice- My stepdad's wife

So, here's a little background:

My father passed away in 1999 when I was 14 years old. My mother remarried a man named Joe (my stepdad) in 2006 and passed away very suddenly in the beginning of 2010.

My brother and I made a big effort to keep my stepdad in our lives as he has no children of his own and the rest of his family lives in Florida. We continued including him in holidays and birthday celebrations. And he was invited to my Las Vegas wedding in March of 2012.

At my wedding reception, my stepdad met our best man's mother and they exchanged phone numbers. I wasn't extremely pleased. Needless to say...they got married in September of 2012.

I announced my pregnancy to my stepdad at the end of July (2 months before their wedding) and his girlfriend was next to him at the time. When I told him about the pregnancy he congratulated me and she said: "I'm so excited to be a grandma!"

I was more than a little flabbergasted at her response. Really? I hardly know you. My MOTHER is my LO's grandmother, not you. <sigh> DH thinks I'm being a little oversensitive, but I have a real problem with this. With both of my parents being gone, I really hold the names grandma and grandpa in high regard. Don't get me wrong- my stepdad's wife is a very sweet woman, but I'm not ready to have my child call her grandma.

I've thought about it and think the LO could call my stepdad "Grandpa Joe" and his new wife "Miss Linda." DH thinks this will cause some drama. How do I make this happen? Do I talk to her about my feelings on this (even though we don't really know each other well)? Or do I simply instruct LO to call her Miss Linda when he's old enough to talk?

Or am I simply being oversensitive like my DH thinks I am?

TIA
8 weeks 3 days 12 weeks 2 days 20 weeks 6 days BabyFruit Ticker  
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 12:56 AM
sararn2004
Not Ranked
Joined on 07-04-2012
1,233 Posts
16,117 Points
sararn2004 is not online. Last active: 06-17-2013, 11:18 PMBronze

I personally don't see a problem with her getting to be called a grandparent type name if they are married and she acts like a grandmother. I never had a blood relative that was my grandmother. I had a woman that was my mothers godmother that even though she wasn't actually related to me she did all the grandma things and I called her grandma. I also had my grandfathers wife who we were not close to and she did not feel grandmotherly at all. I never called her grandma. I called her by her name.

We have a close friend of the family that actually rents a room in our house, our kids call him "Uncle Luther." He's not related to us.  I think familial terms are terms of endearment that don't necessarily have to do with blood relations.

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 1:16 AM
Jenilyn an...
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-07-2010
South Carolina
2,967 Posts
10,214 Points
Jenilyn and Matthew is not online. Last active: 06-16-2013, 12:03 PMSilver

I don't think you're being over-sensitive, it just needs to be approached the right way. Perhaps when you're discussing your pregnancy, when she says "Grandma" again, politely tell her that your parents, although deceased, are "grandma and grandpa", because that's what you'll call them when you talk about them. Then maybe the two of you could come up with another affectionate name for her to go by, because it sounds like she'll be around and will probably care a lot for your LO. Your LO will probably come up with their own name anyways, which may be best once they start talking, just make sure it's not "grandma".

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 3:33 AM
KatieM558
Not Ranked
Joined on 05-27-2012
598 Posts
14,579 Points
KatieM558 is not online. Last active: 06-15-2013, 7:25 PMBronze
I think if you explain to her that the term Grandma is special to you and you'd prefer that she be called something else it would be okay.  I might try to come up with some other alternatives than the Miss because that sounds a little formal.  I guess it depends on how much she will be seeing the baby though.  Will your LO see her as a "grandma" type figure?  Or will she be an infrequent visitor?  I know in my husband's culture everyone is Aunt.  That pretty much applies to any family friend.  Try to remember too that this woman may feel a need to try and "step in."  I know when I got married my mom felt like she had to be "the mom" since my husband's mother had passed away.  It took her awhile to realize that it just doesn't work like that. 
Image and video hosting by TinyPic 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 7:47 AM
Aegis2005
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-22-2010
7,951 Posts
21,303 Points
Aegis2005 is not online. Last active: 06-14-2013, 7:40 PMGold

I don't think you're being over sensitive.  My MIL passed away 2 1/2 years ago.  DH was really close to her.  FIL remarried very quickly and I suspect we're going to have similar issues with what she thinks she's going to be called.

MIL was the child's grandma, even though she'll never meet him.  We don't spend a lot of time with FIL's new wife (can count on one hand how many times we've seen her in person) nor know her that well.  She's not our LO's grandmother. 

Will DH's feeling change about what LO call's FIL's wife at some point?  Maybe.  For now, the fact that DH's mom is never going to see DH as a dad is a painful thought, and if FIL's wife, who we barely know, can't understand that, it's too bad.
Me: 35 DH: 37 TTC since 4/2010
DX: 6/9/2011: Azoo ICSI/IVF only option for biological child
IVF #1: ER - 9/26 * ET - 10/1 * beta#1 10/13 - 140 * beta#2 10/17 - 477 * beta#3 10/20 - 1101
1st u/s at 6w6d - one hb * 2nd u/s at 8w3d - no hb detected 11/10/11 * natural m/c 11/13/11
FET #1 Jan/Feb 2012 - 3 delays - cancelled 2/13
FET #1.2 - May/June 2012 - ET 6/6/* beta#1 6/15 - 95 * beta #2 6/19 - 322 * beta #3 6/22 - 940
7/6 1st u/s @ 7 weeks - one beautiful hb - released from RE
EDD 2/22/2013
PAIF/SAIF/PGAL welcome

BabyFruit Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 8:11 AM
chance_enc...
Not Ranked
Joined on 07-30-2009
Sparks, NV
2,658 Posts
29,402 Points
chance_encounters is not online. Last active: 06-17-2013, 8:52 PMSilver

First, I am sorry for your loss. 

What about Nana Linda or something other than Grandma? We had a very very close family member who by all means was not related and I called her Granny. Many of her own friends call her that too. I know it is hard, and even though you want your child to call her something specific, they will call her what they are going to call her. So, to find a nick name, nana, granny, momo....something might be a happy compromise. 
Image and video hosting by TinyPic Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 8:23 AM
doremi29
Not Ranked
Joined on 10-05-2009
Upstate NY
8,495 Posts
21,018 Points
doremi29 is not online. Last active: 06-17-2013, 9:46 PMGold
chance_encounters:

First, I am sorry for your loss. 

What about Nana Linda or something other than Grandma? We had a very very close family member who by all means was not related and I called her Granny. Many of her own friends call her that too. I know it is hard, and even though you want your child to call her something specific, they will call her what they are going to call her. So, to find a nick name, nana, granny, momo....something might be a happy compromise. 

I think this would be a good compromise.  If she brings it up, I would just say "we're going to refer to my mom as "grandma" and we though _____ would be a neat grandma-ish name for you!".  Just keep it positive.  DS calls my mom Mema and his other grandma is Nani (non-ee). 

Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 8:23 AM
eleventhir...
Not Ranked
Joined on 06-17-2010
221 Posts
2,916 Points
eleventhirty is not online. Last active: 05-25-2013, 11:41 AMNewbie

I absolutely don't think you're being oversensitive.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager, and my mom's remarried.  I do like her husband...he's a nice man and he treats her really well.  But I don't feel comfortable having my kids call him "grandpa" since he's not my father, and never has had a roll in my life at that capacity.  As a compromise, since he's from Germany, we've been referring to him as "Opa."  It's still a term of respect, but I don't really feel as it's stepping on my father or my FIL's toes as being the actual grandfather.

Now my dad's girlfriend (who he has no intention of marrying) has been starting to refer to herself as "Gramma [name]."  H and I put a stop to that pretty quickly. 
Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers Image and video hosting by TinyPic 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 8:51 AM
rpalen29
Not Ranked
Joined on 10-01-2012
1,115 Posts
18,042 Points
rpalen29 is not online. Last active: 06-17-2013, 6:51 PMBronze
It sounds like they want to be part of your LO's life, so that's a good thing. I know your mom or dad can never take the place of your step dad and his wife, but if they are going to be a huge part of your LO's life; give her a title of some sort. If your concerned on what to call her; my FIL's gf is called GranLiz to my nieces and nephew, for you she can be called GranLinda. I think Nana is a good alternative too. My mom had an older, close friend when I was young, and I called her nana.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 9:12 AM
beccaboo60...
Not Ranked
Joined on 02-06-2009
26 Posts
189 Points
beccaboo605 is not online. Last active: 01-16-2013, 7:55 PMNewbie

I grew up in a situation like this where my mom was still getting use to having a new "step-mom". She wasn't happy about it and didn't like Jennie at all. Because of her feelings, she raised us kids to call her by her name (Jennie). It felt normal for me for a while until I realized how much it might have hurt Jennie's feelings, regardless of how my mother felt about the situation. I think it would have been more fair for us kids to come up with a name. 

When I was about 10 or 11, one day, I asked Jennie if she would prefer being called Grandma and she said it was up to me. ( I could tell she was so happy that I had even asked her that.) But because I had been raised to call her by her name, it felt too weird to suddenly start calling her something else. But I call her Nana Jennie and that works really well for us both. My mom has a changed heart about it and feels a little guilty for not including her more as a "grandma" even if she isn't one by blood. Jennie is now the closest thing left to a grandparent that I have (all four of my blood grandparents passed away 2 years ago) and I'm very grateful to have her as such.

 I just think it's worth thinking about a little more. I think it's super weird and totally out of line for Linda to assume anything being as she's not even been around long enough to fill that roll for you or your LO....but maybe give it some time, don't worry about it so much now, and you may feel differently later. If not, and if nothing else, I really recommend letting your LO find a name for her. 

 
 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 9:31 AM
kat1221
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-14-2007
Georgia
1,585 Posts
12,004 Points
kat1221 is not online. Last active: 06-13-2013, 6:30 AMBronze

I can totally relate to not wanting his wife called g-ma.  My dad was married to my stepmother for about 14 years before I had my son and I still cringed when she called herself grandma.  Ew.  I obviously had some major issues with her.  Anyway, in the end I just let it happen b/c I didn't want to deal with the drama.  They lived states away so we didn't see them very much and end the end they got divorced so problem solved.

I thing all of the PP have great suggestions.

 Good luck!

Me: 38, DH: 36, MC 9/07 at 12 weeks DS: 7/25/08 TTC#2 since 11/11 BFP 5/28/12!! DD 1/31/13  
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 9:44 AM
beautifull...
Not Ranked
Joined on 02-25-2011
73 Posts
729 Points
beautifullife322 is not online. Last active: 04-17-2013, 10:06 AMNewbie
I can completely see where you are coming from and understand how you feel. My mothers father was an awful drunk and abusive man who was out of my mothers life before I was ever born.  I never met him. My "step" grandfather was married to my grandmother when I was born and I have always referred to this man as my grandfather. He is one of the single most important people in my life, to where my daughters middle name is Gale, his first name. 

While I understand how important your mother is/was to you, you should take into consideration what this new wife may end up being to you and your child. Like someone said they grew up calling her "Jennie", only to come to find out that sort of hurt her feelings. Maybe discuss with her what she would like to be called and if she mentions grandma just explain that will be used when referring to your mother, and suggest alternatives. Miss Linda though I think is sort of a slap in the face to your step father, it after all was you who tried so hard to keep him in your lives and that reference to his wife sort of sounds like an insult.
photo cc6e6295-6a26-4cd5-8928-28242b36a405_zps9e7776f9.jpg
Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 10:24 AM
Rosebean
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-04-2012
1,084 Posts
18,856 Points
Rosebean is not online. Last active: 06-17-2013, 10:27 PMBronze
chance_encounters:

First, I am sorry for your loss. 

What about Nana Linda or something other than Grandma? 

THIS!  And while I totally get how you would feel about this woman and her position to your family I do want to point something out: the most important thing here is that as much as Linda is not your LO's true grandmother, she will still give your child love and attention... I think her sentence to you was more to let you know how excited she is to give your baby that love that a grandmother would give a child... And that is the most important part. If you come up with an alternative name that is grandmotherly, it will meet your terms to keep "grandmother" sacred, and keep the peace in your blended family. Calling her Miss Linda seems really cold to me, personally. 
Life was wonderful before you came along. Now I can't imagine how much more spectacular it will be when you come into our lives.  
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 10:38 AM
Kingston54
Not Ranked
Joined on 04-24-2009
9,918 Posts
22,825 Points
Kingston54 is not online. Last active: 06-13-2013, 10:49 PMGold
Coming from someone who lost their mother, I can totally understand where you are coming from. That being said,
Once you have your child here, I think you'll realize it's more about the child and it would be better for your little one to have two "grandparents" who care/love them than none.
Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 10:44 AM
LoisLayn23
Top 150 Contributor
Joined on 12-26-2007
Iowa
20,009 Posts
200,398 Points
LoisLayn23 is not online. Last active: 06-17-2013, 8:31 PMPlatinum
While she's not a biological grandparent, she is still in a grandparent role if your stepfather is going to be in a grandfather role.
Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
photo 13cfac4a-a454-4c0e-8f82-0dae048d2dc2_zpseb8977a3.jpg Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 1:19 PM
starting a...
Not Ranked
Joined on 06-22-2012
775 Posts
13,868 Points
starting all over again is not online. Last active: 06-17-2013, 6:54 AMBronze
I don't think your being sensitive at all. I would be upset over this as well. But to be fair, maybe you should be thinking that you can never have too much family! Just think of all the possibilities and love your little one will receive. It may even bring you closer to your stepfather and extended family.
Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie First Birthday tickershttp://www.thebump.com/profiles/starting%20all%20over%20again/settings/avatar/index#http://www.thebump.com/profiles/starting%20all%20over%20again/settings/avatar/index# 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 7:16 PM
PandasMama...
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-28-2011
730 Posts
8,016 Points
PandasMama0626 is not online. Last active: 06-17-2013, 12:25 AMBronze

I understand where your coming from. My dad remarried and I didn't want my step mom to be called "grandma" since my mother is "grandmama" (hubby's mom is grandma) so those names were taken. It just seemed like it would be too confusing to have 3 grandmas, you know? So my my step mom is "Tata" (short for "Granny Guitar" as her other grandkids call her). I don't see any reason she couldn't have a cute pet name, but "grandma" was not on the table.

My husband's sister's hubby's parents are both divorced and remarried, and all of them have different names for the grandkids. There is "grandma", "grandpa", "buba", and "pupup." You can always let your LO come up with their own name for Miss Linda as well since most kids do this as it is. You can do a google search too for grandparents names and see what you like. This way the term "grandma" isn't being used, (you could explain that you don't want to confuse LO with more than one "grandma") but she can still feel good that she has a cutsy grandparent-type name.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
12-31-2012 at 10:16 PM
MelissaRae...
Not Ranked
Joined on 02-18-2009
2,559 Posts
31,977 Points
MelissaRae1525 is not online. Last active: 06-17-2013, 9:08 PMSilver
My father passed away when I saw 17. No one will ever be called any variation of grandpa anything, no matter if they marry my mother or not. This woman is not your child's grandparent or step grandparent. No one should be trying to force you to make your LO call her anything that makes you uncomfortable. You're a better person than me because I was planning on having my LO call my mom's boyfriend by his first name only, but it might be different if I actually liked who she was with. 

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. -Jeremiah 1:5
 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-01-2013 at 12:00 PM
stidd
Not Ranked
Joined on 06-10-2012
14 Posts
234 Points
stidd is not online. Last active: 05-30-2013, 7:52 PMNewbie
Wow! I'm in a very similar spot.  Both my parents are deceased, but my step-dad is still very much a part of my life.  He got remarried last night.  His now wife has never mentioned being grandma, but my stepdad knows for sure that he is grandpa.  I don't think that you are being insensitive AT ALL!  I completely agree with you.  At this point if she thinks she can step in and be "grandma", then it's totally appropriate for you to share with her your feelings.  It's better that then just tell her she's not grandma.  I know it's hard, but you are the mama and what you say goes.  It's in the best interest for you and your baby.  You want your baby to know grandma and grandpa through your memories. Good luck!
 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
Hot Topics

New dad or dad-to-be? Chat with other dads here!
Visit the Dads & Dads-to-be board

Need baby shower inspiration? Get ideas here!
Visit the Baby Showers board

Chat with other crafty moms here!
Visit the Crafty Moms board

search boards

choose another board

most active posters
sunlavende...
1,381 posts
BPaws
967 posts
linzeek44
441 posts
sheacox
222 posts
FFwifey
175 posts
tinamorgan
117 posts
*Mrs*Rohrb...
103 posts
sarisosrWe...
56 posts
Love4Labs3...
47 posts
AquaAlizar...
42 posts

connect with these online bumpies
mnbv9502! Chloeysmommy
amcongdon lynseyadamson
Trarohde Spookster
Marysabelita khill86
+DaniK+ operadoll
nonniedee Mommy128
Vraechel smithaz602
piffle42 nbcarlson
SurpriseAt39 PrimRoseMama
JocelynB0911 meganquinlan
kymelissa panther422516
amd1982 soo.moon
andiabbs vegasbound0606
annathyst MichelleLawton
Sam Erin Jenmarie279
From The Nest Boards:
"Female friend too close for comfort?"
cate1st on Relationships

"Do your single friends not 'get' it?"
Rwilsonny on Family Matters