community

all boards


birth clubs



my blog

Sort:
12-31-2012 at 5:54 PM
hobo18
Not Ranked
Joined on 05-25-2010
1,024 Points
hobo18 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 3:50 PMNewbie

in law vent

so my in laws are heavy chain smokers.  They smoke in the house, along with other family members, with windows closed and the gas fireplace blazing.  So we literally bake in the smoke.  Husband does not understand why I don't want to be in that environment.  On xmas I limited it to an hour and wound up staying and hour and a half until I could not take it anymore and had to leave.  Of course my allergies have been worse then ever while pregnant so the entire next day I was miserable.  I was actually happy in a way though because he got to see how bad I was the next day.  I couldn't breath, was all stuffy, my eyes burned and I sneezed all day.  Of course it was an issue we didn't stay long and MIL asked us in front of everyone if we like my family better.  I told her I just couldn't take the smoke anymore.  She told me she tried to go in a different room than me (their house is not big at all)  So of course it started a bickering match between my husband and I.  His mentality on this is his parents smoked and raised 8 kids and they are all fine (with the exception of most of them with sinus issues (but they don't trace that back to second hand smoke).  

so my question is how do I get him to see this is a major issue and has nothing to do with his family personally.  It is a health concern of mine., and should be one of his also!!!


 IAmPregnant Ticker Eat Drink and be Married 
12-31-2012 at 6:03 PM
MrsRKJ
Not Ranked
Joined on 12-06-2011
11,322 Points
MrsRKJ is online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 11:46 AMBronze

Wow.  Do they realize that the second hand smoke is affecting the baby??  My DH's grandma is like that, and I refuse to go to her house...but DH is understanding about that.  What about when your LO is here?  Is DH going to be OK with your LO around that?  I understand that he grew up with it, but probably back then they didn't realize the effects of second hand smoke.  Maybe have DH talk with your doctor and have him/her talk some sense into him!  He should be all about the health of his child (and you of course :)

I would really put my foot down on this one...  Good luck!

 


Welcomed our little on March 15, 2013 (7 weeks early!) CafeMom Tickers 
12-31-2012 at 6:06 PM
TheyCalled...
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-24-2011
26,472 Points
TheyCalledHerKate is not online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 11:19 AMSilver
Not only is second hand smoke bad for you and the baby, but third hand smoke is potentially even worse. My FIL is a smoker (only smoked outside) and he does not smoke when I am around at all. Even if he has to go hours between cigarettes, he agreed not to smoke for the baby and I.

I would not spend any more time there because it's not worth the risk and discomfort. 
 
12-31-2012 at 6:09 PM
MegStory17
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-19-2010
24,869 Points
MegStory17 is not online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 11:09 AMBronze

We are dealing with a similar situation with my DH's dad as well.  He place smells terribly of smoke to the point that it makes me nauseous every time we are there.  When we were there on Christmas, I guess I looked so terrible, that it finally clicked with my DH.  We have decided that he can come to us as smoking is not allowed in our home. 

I would have your DH talk to the doctor too.  Any doctor will say that it is a bad environment for you and the baby.  That way it isn't a you vs. him battle… it is doctor's orders.  And then can your in-laws come to your place in the future?  That way you can hang out with them for a longer time, without the health concerns.  

Like the PP, I would really put my foot down on this one too.  I would not want my kiddo in that environment.  Good luck! 


 BabyFruit Ticker 
12-31-2012 at 6:15 PM
RussianMom...
Not Ranked
Joined on 06-05-2012
59,035 Points
RussianMommy is not online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 11:22 AMSilver
pregnant or not, smoking indoors is absolutely disgusting. To be perfectly honest, if my H's family (or even my family for that matter) were indoor smokers, I would NEVER go to their house and I would not care if they called me out for it. I hate smoking with a passion. Do not feel bad about your MIL freaking out - she is clearly clueless. And a big WTF about her trying to smoke in a different room -- does she not know smoke TRAVELS and that because they all smoke indoors, you're also breathing in stale smoke air. Smokers are the most ignorant ppl I know.

 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
12-31-2012 at 6:20 PM
mrshall102...
Not Ranked
Joined on 10-15-2010
13,842 Points
mrshall10210 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 2:47 PMBronze

Lilypie First Birthday tickers 
12-31-2012 at 6:33 PM
mommatotwo...
Not Ranked
Joined on 12-31-2012
9,696 Points
mommatotwo2 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 7:42 PMNewbie

I completely understand your concern. There are many studies out there showing the terrible effects of 2nd hand smoke as well as 3rd hand smoke, but I'm guess since they are purposefully inhaling the stuff, they could care less about all the studies.

When I was pregnant and shortly after the birth after my dd#1, I ended the relationship with my dad's side of the family (minus my dad) because they refused to go outside and smoke and smoke when I was over there visiting at the holidays. After DD was born, it was the same thing, so I was no longer willing to visit with them and over time the relationship was just too strained to continue. My parents are both smokers, but when they come over and only if they are here a long time, they smoke outside and they wash their hands when they come in. When DD was small, I made them put a big blanket over their shirts and hold DD on top of that. Extreme? Maybe. But I know the dangers and this is something that is too important to me to give in on.


Lilypie Pregnancy tickers Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers 
12-31-2012 at 6:53 PM
ChrisLipst...
Not Ranked
Joined on 08-12-2012
7,848 Points
ChrisLipstick is not online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 9:39 AMNewbie

I think you should have your husband come to your next dr's appointment and ask the dr about being in a smoky environment. The dr should set him strait about the effects of smoke on the baby. 

Also, you are pregnant, which is difficult enough at times. Why does your husband want to make it harder on you by making you sick for a day every time you visit them? I think you should try to make him see that you are allergic to smoke - all smoke and not just his parents. Because of this allergy, you can no longer go to their house, but they are invited to yours (smoking outside). 


Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic  Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker  
12-31-2012 at 7:05 PM
Disneygeek...
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-14-2003
21,075 Points
Disneygeek77 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 10:33 PMGold

This is a problem with your husband more than your ILs, so I would focus on him.  Let it be very clear that being in your ILs house makes you physically ill.  You can't help it and it is nothing about them personally.  You can meet them and enjoy their company outside of their home, but you can't handle their home.  Just because him and his siblings are healthy ( so far) that still doesn't mean they they won't have future health problems. 

When it come to your and your baby's health and well being, you absolutely have to speak up and do what is in your best interests. That is all apart of being a good mom.

However, I do think it is a shame that your husband, a man who made vows to put you above all others, is more concerned with his mommy's feelings than you and your concerns.

 
12-31-2012 at 7:36 PM
hobo18
Not Ranked
Joined on 05-25-2010
1,024 Points
hobo18 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 3:50 PMNewbie
all good points girls.  I like the one about having him come with me to the doctor.  i tried that.  I asked the doctor and he said "well it's not good I would definitely limit your exposure to the least amount possible"   So when we started bickering about it I mentioned what the doctor said and he said "no thats not what he said.  He said it's not as bad as people make it out to be"  This conversation seriously happened between us.  How on earth could he hear that from the doctor???  He clearly heard what he wanted to hear.  I do agree that this issue is more with my husband than with his family.  I even mentioned having an open house at our house next xmas being we will have a new baby and anyone who wants to stop by stop by.  He didn't like that idea and said it's not fair to his family to have them come to us because they have been going by his mothers all these years.  I don't know what to do.  

 IAmPregnant Ticker Eat Drink and be Married 
12-31-2012 at 7:40 PM
pnutg
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-15-2012
40,419 Points
pnutg is not online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 10:49 AMSilver
I would refuse to go there and your DH can explain why. Its common sense.

-1st BFP 5/24/12, EDD 1/25/13, MMC 6/19/12 at 8 weeks, D&C 6/29/12 -2nd BFP 9/15/12, EDD 5/20/13, Praying for a healthy baby! It's a boy! www.peanut-gallerie.blogspot.com 
12-31-2012 at 7:44 PM
hobo18
Not Ranked
Joined on 05-25-2010
1,024 Points
hobo18 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 3:50 PMNewbie
what really blows my mind is they are a huge family.  He has 7 siblings and there are 17 grandchildren.  None of his brothers and sisters seem to care at all about having their children in this house. Does no one understand the health risks here??? 

 IAmPregnant Ticker Eat Drink and be Married 
12-31-2012 at 8:05 PM
AmandaAndT...
Not Ranked
Joined on 03-31-2006
Tampa, Fl
3,984 Points
AmandaAndTj is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 9:32 PMBronze
Well, for me, this would be a non negotiable issue. My dad died when i was 14 from lung cancer from smoking all his life. He was the only person in my family who smoked. I hated every second of being around it. I complained constantly but he never changed. If I was dealing with this as an adult, especially being pg or bringing my babies around it, I would totally refuse... In the most respectful way possible... But still refuse to be around it or subject my kids to it.

Edited to add: And quite possibly this is where my horrible allergies come from too!

Lilypie First Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers :
Amanda's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read-in-2012 shelf) 
01-01-2013 at 3:14 AM
Mrsveinott...
Not Ranked
Joined on 03-15-2012
31,731 Points
Mrsveinotte is not online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 10:42 AMBronze
Your in laws sound exactly like my MIL
I just flat out refuse to go to her house while pregnant. Once LO is here I told DH that I'm not taking my child to her house, she can come over anytime she wants though.
DH was thinking I was overreacting aswell until I got him to come to the docs with me and I had the doc explain how badly it can affect our LO.
He's now arguing with his mom about this, which is much better then me and him arguing.
Maybe if you got him some facts? I know my MIL thinks her smoking never affected my DH but he has lung issues/asthma/sinus issues
That never seem to flare up anywhere else.
Good luck but I feel like if you don't take care of this situation now it'll only be worse once LO arrives

BEEN TTC ON AND OF SINCE SEPT '09 ONE LOSS at 14 WKS IN OCT '10 TEMPING/CHARTING STARTING MARCH '12 EDD June 21 2013 !!!!!!!!! If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with a little rain. Image and video hosting by TinyPic photo IMG_4928_zps87415786.jpg BabyFetus Ticker 
01-01-2013 at 7:02 AM
watermelle...
Not Ranked
Joined on 06-08-2008
Upstate New York
32,910 Points
watermellens is online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 11:40 AMSilver
ChrisLipstick:

I think you should have your husband come to your next dr's appointment and ask the dr about being in a smoky environment. The dr should set him strait about the effects of smoke on the baby. 

Also, you are pregnant, which is difficult enough at times. Why does your husband want to make it harder on you by making you sick for a day every time you visit them? I think you should try to make him see that you are allergic to smoke - all smoke and not just his parents. Because of this allergy, you can no longer go to their house, but they are invited to yours (smoking outside). 

good idea...might help him to hear it from someone else.


Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers http://mamasaywhat.com/ 
01-01-2013 at 8:00 AM
hobo18
Not Ranked
Joined on 05-25-2010
1,024 Points
hobo18 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 3:50 PMNewbie
Well as I said him coming to the doctor with me didn't help. All his siblings willingly bring their children around without hesitation. I will be the only only *** that is how they will view me this is going to be an uphill battle and when the baby is here it will only get worse. Every single holiday they all pack into his parents small house so how can we not see his family for any of the holidays? I really just don't know what to do. I thought limiting my exposure would help but I was sick the next day. And I still didn't feel comfortable in that environment with a developing baby inside me.

 IAmPregnant Ticker Eat Drink and be Married 
01-01-2013 at 9:44 AM
Five_lette...
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-14-2009
5,384 Points
Five_letter is not online. Last active: 01-29-2013, 6:28 PMGold

hobo18:
what really blows my mind is they are a huge family.  He has 7 siblings and there are 17 grandchildren.  None of his brothers and sisters seem to care at all about having their children in this house. Does no one understand the health risks here??? 

You're not going to convince him otherwise. Not a chance of it.

How many times a year are you expected to visit your IL's house? I ask because my grandmom is a smoker (I should say was, she died last week). It was worth it for me to take my daughter to her house 4 or 5 times a year to help foster the relationship that I knew would be short term.  It's not like my child was there on a daily basis, but I definitely took her to visit. Perhaps your BIL and SIL's feel the same way if it's infrequent visits? What's the relationship with your child's grandparents worth to you?

Is your MIL willing to smoke outside?

 

 



 
01-01-2013 at 10:04 AM
Mrsveinott...
Not Ranked
Joined on 03-15-2012
31,731 Points
Mrsveinotte is not online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 10:42 AMBronze

Seriously just be the major *** if thats what it takes.  Stick to your guns lady and don't take your LO there.  Sounds like thats whats going to have to happen, it is a big deal its you and your childs health.  

I refuse to go to MILs and they view me as a huge *** because of it, but I don't care.  


BEEN TTC ON AND OF SINCE SEPT '09 ONE LOSS at 14 WKS IN OCT '10 TEMPING/CHARTING STARTING MARCH '12 EDD June 21 2013 !!!!!!!!! If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with a little rain. Image and video hosting by TinyPic photo IMG_4928_zps87415786.jpg BabyFetus Ticker 
01-01-2013 at 10:14 AM
hobo18
Not Ranked
Joined on 05-25-2010
1,024 Points
hobo18 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 3:50 PMNewbie
First let me say I'm very sorry about your loss.
They refuse to smoke outside because they don't see it being an issue. They don't just smoke they chain smoke. You walk into the house and you see clouds of smoke. They have every holiday and have many of the kids birthday parties there. So there are get togethers quite often. My father and brother are also smokers but they smoke outside, no questions asked.

 IAmPregnant Ticker Eat Drink and be Married 
01-01-2013 at 10:28 AM
Five_lette...
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-14-2009
5,384 Points
Five_letter is not online. Last active: 01-29-2013, 6:28 PMGold

hobo18:
First let me say I'm very sorry about your loss. They refuse to smoke outside because they don't see it being an issue. They don't just smoke they chain smoke. You walk into the house and you see clouds of smoke. They have every holiday and have many of the kids birthday parties there. So there are get togethers quite often. My father and brother are also smokers but they smoke outside, no questions asked.

Their absolute refusal to compromise would really get under my skin. 

I'd be planning holidays at my house. Honestly, I'm sorry to say, but I don't think you're going to convince your husband on this one. You're going to have to be the responsible parent in this situation even if they do label you as the family b!tch. 

Sucks. 



 
01-01-2013 at 12:59 PM
GraceInCA
Not Ranked
Joined on 02-18-2011
34,190 Points
GraceInCA is online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 11:40 AMSilver
This is one of those areas where I don't compromise. I won't expose my child (soon to be plural) to second or third hand smoke.  Our relationship with certain relatives has suffered, but it is their decision to smoke. 

 BabyFruit Ticker
 
01-01-2013 at 1:16 PM
Sydney0130
Not Ranked
Joined on 04-28-2009
12,404 Points
Sydney0130 is not online. Last active: 05-18-2013, 9:10 AMBronze
I know you said the Doc already spoke with him about it and he heard what he wanted to hear, but I'd bring it up again with your doctor at your next appointment and every.single.one after that for as long as it takes for it to sink in to your H's brain.  Make sure your husband is really listening and understands what the doctor is saying. I would even reiterate it to DH after the doctor explains it before you even leave the office so you can be sure you both heard the same thing. Hearing what he wants to hear isn't really a good excuse in this situation. My ILs smoke as well but luckily, they take it outside. Good Luck!

 BabyFruit Ticker 
01-01-2013 at 1:53 PM
mainerocks
Not Ranked
Joined on 05-10-2006
Massachusetts
23,564 Points
mainerocks is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 8:27 AMGold

Like other PPs, this would be completely non-negotiable for me too. Baby comes first, period. Meet them out for dinner, or invite them over but don't go to their house.

This is only going to continue when LO is here so you might as well make your stance now. Be super open to alternatives (like above ideas), but refuse to put your baby in danger. 


Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Pregnancy tickers 
01-01-2013 at 3:49 PM
Disneygeek...
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-14-2003
21,075 Points
Disneygeek77 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 10:33 PMGold

You have to keep reminding yourself that your health and the health of your children is more important than their feelings.  What his siblings do with their own children is irrelavant.  What if they decided they didn't want to buckle their children in car seats and seat belts, would it then be ok for your children as well ?  What if they decided they weren't going to put helmets on their children when they ride their bicycles ?  What if they decided they were going to leave their children in a hot car by themselves for a long time ?  Would it be ok for your children ? 

Listen, some people are just plain dumb or they are complete pushovers.  His siblings and their spouses are probably in that group or they engage in the bad behavior themselves and don't see a problem with it.  At a certain point, your inner mama bear has to come out and do what is in the best interest of your baby. Not what is best for your husband, not what is best for his siblings, not what is best for his parents, you have to do what is best for you baby. Again, what they think doesn't matter. It doesn't matter one bit.  Speak up for yourself and your baby since your baby can't speak up for themselves.  That is your job as it's mother.  Yeah, your husband and his family will probably get mad, but so what.    They are the ones in the wrong here and you know... this is all part of growing up.  Using your best judgement and do what is best for your family.  

 
01-01-2013 at 6:46 PM
pinottopar...
Not Ranked
Joined on 04-30-2012
16,138 Points
pinottoparenthood is not online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 11:20 AMBronze

I don't care what anyone says (your husband, your in-laws, etc.)... I would NOT be in a house where people were smoking indoors when I was pregnant, period. Not even for 5 minutes. And if they have a problem and accuse you of liking your family more, I would say "My family doesn't smoke around me and endanger the health of myself and my child."

 Also, my child would NOT be spending any time at their house. Not a single minute. If they wanted to see him, they would have to come to my place and leave their cigarettes at home. I was just reading in What to Expect the First Year about the harmful effects of second hand smoke on kids, and there are TONS of them. I won't be around it. I would say they can choose between their cigarettes or their grandchild, period. 


Amanda

******************************

 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Daisypath Anniversary tickers 

01-02-2013 at 7:42 AM
Dragonfly1...
Top 200 Contributor
Joined on 02-06-2009
Cambridge, MA
47,731 Points
Dragonfly1226 is not online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 9:51 AMPlatinum
My ILs chain smoke. Luckily dh and I are on the same page about it. Do a bit of research and show him all the studies that show the harm secondhand smoke can have on you when you are pregnant and your child once the baby is born. I know you will find info that says it is a huge risk factor for SIDS. If that doesn't scare him enough then I would just be the b!tch. It's worth it to protect your LO.


Unexplained Infertility
After two Clomid cycles, three injectable IUI cycles, two IVFs, two miscarriages, and one lap surgery, IVF #2 has brought us our little boy!

 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
TTC #2
3/12 - CD3 labs show elevated estrogen levels. FET cycle on hold until cycles can be regulated.
5/12 - CD3 labs finally show normal estrogen, slightly elevated FSH. Currently on BCP and Lupron for FET #1. Transfer scheduled for June!
6/12 - FET #1 - Cancelled due to sucky lining
7/12 - FET #1.2 - Cancelled again
8/12 - Forced Break
9/12 - Natural FET #1.3 - BFP! Beta #1 (15dp3dt) - 1663 Beta #2 (17dp3dt) - 3500 - First u/s at 6 weeks showed twins! Please stick, little ones! U/S at 19 weeks shows it's two girls!!!
Lilypie Pregnancy tickers 
01-02-2013 at 9:30 AM
pamperedgi...
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-24-2012
25,595 Points
pamperedgirl83 is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 6:42 PMBronze
MrsRKJ:

Wow.  Do they realize that the second hand smoke is affecting the baby??  My DH's grandma is like that, and I refuse to go to her house...but DH is understanding about that.  What about when your LO is here?  Is DH going to be OK with your LO around that?  I understand that he grew up with it, but probably back then they didn't realize the effects of second hand smoke.  Maybe have DH talk with your doctor and have him/her talk some sense into him!  He should be all about the health of his child (and you of course :)

I would really put my foot down on this one...  Good luck!

 

this is a good idea...

my fil smokes all the time. he has started to really try and not smoke around me or blow the smoke my direction. he just recently started to make sure he smokes his electronic cigaret when im in the car with him. 


 BabyFruit Ticker  BabyFetus Ticker  IAmPregnant Ticker 
01-02-2013 at 11:17 AM
lisa5201
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-16-2008
Palm Beach
6,461 Points
lisa5201 is not online. Last active: 05-08-2013, 4:32 PMSilver

If your doctor cannot explain it firmly or is not willing to sit down and have a serious chat with your DH about it, I would look into getting another Dr. And if that doesn't work look into getting a new DH (kidding....sort of). 

I had the same-ish issue with my in-laws and thankfully DH was completely on my side. I'd rather be a total b!tch than be totally negligent of my baby's health. The last time I spent Christmas at their house pre-pregnancy, I was sick for days afterward and it took more than one shampoo to get the smell out of my hair. I will be damned to hell if I'm scrubbing nicotine smell out of my baby's hair. *** that


Photobucket  
01-02-2013 at 4:21 PM
courtnif
Not Ranked
Joined on 05-16-2011
8,396 Points
courtnif is online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 11:41 AMBronze
Smoking indoors is harmful for everyone. I would let my DH know that I was concerned about my health and LOs. If he doesn't care about that, then he's welcome to go there alone. Stick to your guns.
 
01-02-2013 at 6:42 PM
hoopduck
Not Ranked
Joined on 10-17-2012
15,565 Points
hoopduck is not online. Last active: 05-19-2013, 2:32 AMBronze

Your completely justified in keeping yourself and your LO away from harmful cigarette smoke. Studies have shown that homes that have been smoked in have layers upon layers of toxic chemical deposits in the walls, curtains, furniture, and vents. There's no getting away from third hand smoke in these homes, even if second hand smoke isn't an issue because they smoke outside while your there. I will also be doing my utmost to protect my unborn baby from the dangers present in my MIL home. She might not think smoking around a pregnant woman is a 'big deal' because she did it around her kids and 'they are fine.' That was her decision with HER kids, and this is my decision with MY LO. They have to respect our wishes as parents at the end of the day, anything less is boundary stomping and disrespectful. Keep strong and educate your DH as much as you can. Be absolutely relentless about it, he WILL come around if he cares about you and his child more than hurting his Mommy's precious 'feelings'. It's a dirty, disgusting habit, and he should be ashamed of himself for daring to defend her toxic, smoky home.

 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UtBD082It0   <-- worth a watch, especially for your Dh! :D


TTC since 2004 Ectopic 2005, lost right tube. Multiple miscarriages.  BabyFetus Ticker 
Page 1 of 2 (31 items)   1 2 Next >
Hot Topics

New dad or dad-to-be? Chat with other dads here!
Visit the Dads & Dads-to-be board

Need baby shower inspiration? Get ideas here!
Visit the Baby Showers board

Chat with other crafty moms here!
Visit the Crafty Moms board

search boards

choose another board