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01-02-2013 at 9:40 AM
littleboom...
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littleboomer3 is not online. Last active: 05-17-2013, 11:08 PMNewbie

Need a little advice

I wasn't sure what to title this post but I need some advice. Good advice. When I was about 10 weeks my husband and I got a call from my cousin and his wife to tell us that they were also expecting - yay! This didn't come as a surprise to us because we knew they were trying and I was pretty excited to have someone I'm close to (our family is tight knit so cousins are more like siblings) going through the same things as myself. Everything was great, until last night. They lost their baby.

I was so overwhelmed when I spoke them this morning but was keeping it together so they didn't become even more upset. Obviously I didn't know what to say besides, "I'm so sorry" which of course, didn't seem like enough. Now I feel a little guilty for having such an easy pregnancy (so far) and such a healthy baby. What I need advice about is what to say to her and what to do. Do I need to avoid talking to her about our baby for a while? (This seems appropriate). Help! 

 
01-02-2013 at 9:45 AM
MissNikki0...
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I don't think you need to do anything or ay anything more. If she wants to talk about it, let her come to you. Same goes for your pregnancy. Let her ask you how it's going.


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01-02-2013 at 9:57 AM
GARTHKE
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MissNikki007:

I don't think you need to do anything or ay anything more. If she wants to talk about it, let her come to you. Same goes for your pregnancy. Let her ask you how it's going.

This. Exactly. She will talk when she is ready, which may be never.  I would avoid discussing your pregnancy unless she brings it up. Thinking of your family... 


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01-02-2013 at 10:00 AM
SCBride200...
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What a difficult situation to be in. :( That's awful for her. I agree with PP, let her talk when she is ready. Do what you can to not talk about your pregnancy in front of her. I'm sorry for both of you. 

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01-02-2013 at 10:00 AM
pnutg
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I wouldn't bring anything up without her prompting, especially your pregnancy. My best friend told me she was pg the day before my D and C because she didnt want me to hear it from anyone else. But she was only 6 wks at the time and definitely should have waited. The healing process is different for everyone but I avoided her for a good 5 months. Just be available if she wants to talk....or cry.

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01-02-2013 at 10:30 AM
littleboom...
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Thanks, ladies. I really appreciate it!
 
01-02-2013 at 11:19 AM
love joy p...
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That's tough. Just tell her you're there for her if she needs to talk. I'd definitely avoid talking about your pregnancy. Loss is always so hard. =(

 
01-02-2013 at 11:51 AM
Luthy
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Definitely don't talk about your pregnancy around her. If you're friends on facebook and you like to post things about your pregnancy on there, filter it so she doesn't see them. I was on your cousin's side of things and the best thing my SIL did for me was not talking about her pregnancy at all unless I brought it up. Second best thing she did was not push me to talk to her or be around her unless I brought it up too. It was hard for me to even see her for a long time.

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01-02-2013 at 12:25 PM
lisa5201
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Ah, I have been on your cousin's side of this too.

I would def not bring up anything about your baby or pregnancy without her asking. Also avoid the cliche'd "everything happens for a reason" and "you can try again" canned phrases. These were personally not comforting to me. 

If she wants to talk about it, def talk with her about it and ask questions and be there, you know? Listen to her story I think is what I'm trying to say. It felt the worst for me when people felt too awkward to talk about it and preferred that I wouldn't mention it. It will always be something that is a part of her and she may need to talk it out.


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01-02-2013 at 12:46 PM
Truchana
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I am so very sorry... I've actually been in this similar situation on the opposite end.  last year I had 3 miscarriages while all of my best friends around me kept announcing another beautiful pregnancy.  I'll be honest, it wasn't easy...

 I think the most important thing to realize is that every woman handles it differently & needs something different as time progresses so it will be hard to know what to do.  After my first miscarriage, one of my good friends announced she was pregnant a week later (she knew about me although many others did not).  I wanted her to be excited and feel comfortable and to be able to partake in it all...but when I saw her a few weeks later during the holidays, she was going through morning sickness & did not seem grateful to be pregnant.  I knew she realized a few comments she made were very insensitive. I wanted to shake her and tell her I'd give anything to have morning sickness so quit having a pity party.  

 She got a little bit better for a while and I remained excited for her, even though I continued to have more miscarriages (she did not know about these). She started complaining about gaining weight, honestly seemed a bit aloof about having a baby, was kind of annoyed she wasn't having a girl when everyone else was, etc.  Honestly, I had to distance myself for a while. she did not know about the other miscarriages, but the first should have been enough ... another friend complained about having to have to a C section ... myself and another friend who was having difficulty getting pregnant were like, who cares???  at least you will have a baby. 

 Honestly, some thoughts she will have will still be excitement for you if you are close, but she will most likely be extremely touchy and may have some irrational thoughts at times towards your pregnancy or be insensitive to what you are going through.  Make sure you don't "complain" about the things you experience..find someone else for that because she will find it insensitive even if it is justified. for first month or so, make sure you acknowledge their loss and how sorry you are, but keep conversation regarding your own pregnancy light around them. beyond that, you will will need to feel her out.  a lot will depend on how quickly they get pregnant again, if they have other losses, etc.   good luck. 


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01-02-2013 at 5:29 PM
baby Gs mo...
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GARTHKE:
MissNikki007:

I don't think you need to do anything or ay anything more. If she wants to talk about it, let her come to you. Same goes for your pregnancy. Let her ask you how it's going.

This. Exactly. She will talk when she is ready, which may be never.  I would avoid discussing your pregnancy unless she brings it up. Thinking of your family... 

 

Exactly on both counts. Just see how she is and if she needs to talk etc. I wouldn't bring up your pregnancy until she is ready to ask you, that means she is okay to speak about it. Otherwise, you can really upset her, without even meaning to. Warm thoughts and good wishes to you and your family. 


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01-02-2013 at 7:30 PM
LaineyPane...
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lisa5201:
Ah, I have been on your cousin's side of this too.I would def not bring up anything about your baby or pregnancy without her asking. Also avoid the cliche'd "everything happens for a reason" and "you can try again" canned phrases. These were personally not comforting to me.nbsp;If she wants to talk about it, def talk with her about it and ask questions and be there, you know? Listen to her story I think is what I'm trying to say. It felt the worst for me when people felt too awkward to talk about it andnbsp;preferrednbsp;that I wouldn't mention it. It will always be something that is a part of her and she may need to talk it out.


Ditto all of this!
...don't be afraid to listen about her loss. What did they name the baby? Write down the anniversary and send a card or something at that time. Things like that... At least, those things were comforting to me when we lost our baby during pregnancy. When talking about it, use the baby's name...because most people won't, and that in itself hurts.

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01-02-2013 at 8:32 PM
nonniedee
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I miscarried last year, and my brother and his wife were afraid to bring their newborn son around me. I had to sit them down, and let them know that I was ok. Everyone experiences grief differently. Take your cues from them, and don't beat yourself up if you make a mistake. This is a hard situation and there is no right answer.

hope this helps


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