Get The Bump digital magazine >

tools: Pregnancy Calendar | Baby Namer | Gender Chart | How Big is Baby?

community

all boards


birth clubs


nest boards


my blog

my photos

my boards


200+ Easy Weeknight Meals!

Green living: Eco-friendly tips & tricks!

< Previous topic | Next topic >

All Boards > 3rd Trimester

Sort:
01-04-2013 at 8:56 AM
SouthernMo...
Not Ranked
Joined on 06-20-2012
123 Posts
2,754 Points
SouthernMom70 is not online. Last active: 01-24-2013, 12:47 PMNewbie

Family visiting - how do I word this without sounding rude?

So, my C-Section is scheduled for Monday, Jan. 28. I will likely be in the hospital until that Thursday or Friday. Our plan is for hubby to go home in the evenings with our 8-year-old son and my Mom to stay with me and baby in the hospital. That's not a problem, so far. Here's the issue: husband is taking off work (FMLA leave) for the first two weeks, until Feb. 14. Both of us would *really* like for those weeks to be family bonding time, with nobody else staying with us. However, one of my sisters has made noises about coming up during one of those weeks, with her two toddlers. And I'm pretty sure my mom thinks she's staying with us for those two weeks as well. How can I let them know, without sounding rude or mean, that we just want to spend time together without any overnight visitors for those first two weeks? My whole family lives in another state, so they can't just pop in for an hour or two and then leave. Any ideas? Thanks!
BabyFruit Ticker Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 9:02 AM
ajatmont13
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-13-2011
433 Posts
6,994 Points
ajatmont13 is not online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 12:54 PMNewbie

I have made the same rule for after our LO arrives.  NO overnight guests for the first two weeks (at a minimum).  I don't think you sound rude by just telling your family something like this

 "I am so excited for you to meet and spend time with LO.  However, we would like to like no overnight guests the first two weeks so that we have time to bond as a family.  After two weeks we would be happy to have guests if we're feeling up to it."

 This way you're also not automatically letting people stay overnight if you're exhausted and not up to it at the two week mark. 

My family has been very understanding about it. 

 Good luck!
Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 9:04 AM
jvaeth2012
Not Ranked
Joined on 08-13-2012
408 Posts
7,484 Points
jvaeth2012 is not online. Last active: 03-22-2013, 12:20 PMNewbie
Just be honest and get right to the point. Tell them that you don't want any visitors right away, that you would like time with just your Dh, son and LO to get adjusted before people start coming to stay. My only concern is that you said that your mom was already going to be there to stay with you in the hospital. Are you planning on sending her on her way once you are discharged? That might be a little harder to do if she has been there with you already. But as far as anyone else coming just say NO.
 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 9:07 AM
Charlotte0...
Not Ranked
Joined on 07-09-2012
356 Posts
5,065 Points
Charlotte02 is not online. Last active: 03-18-2013, 1:37 PMNewbie
I think being blunt is your only option. Don't be rude about it but make it very clear you and the family need a few weeks to bond without the added distraction of two young children running around the house. If you dance around the issue people will find a way to push what they want or what they think is best for you. Say you would be more than happy to have family come after this time. You will still be healing and your husband doesn't need to take care of you, a baby, and entertain your sister and kids. I could hardly get out of bed the first week after my c-section and unless it was my Mom who was there to actually help. (she cleaned, cooked meals, helped me shower) I didn't want anyone else in the house. Good luck, I'm so glad my family lives close and isn't pushy. We had people visit us during out 6 day hospital stay. The nurses were great for kicking out people after about an hour went by.
Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers pregnancy calendar Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 9:14 AM
kelly321
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-30-2010
7,362 Posts
47,972 Points
kelly321 is not online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 3:02 PMGold

I'd just say something like, "So you've mentioned / I assume you want to come after LO gets here. How about if you come and stay with us from the 14th to the 21st and Sister comes from the 21st to the 24th?" And then if they say they want to come sooner, I'd just say, "DH will be home to help during that time, so it would be better for us if someone came to help out after he went back to work. And honestly, we want to be able to establish BFing and get Older Sibling accustomed to the baby without other people in the house."

I don't think that's rude, but it's also pretty clear and reasoned.


BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w3d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence BFP Chart 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 9:14 AM
SarahRae85
Not Ranked
Joined on 07-21-2012
837 Posts
15,977 Points
SarahRae85 is not online. Last active: 05-18-2013, 11:33 AMBronze

If you want to play it nicely, you could always point out that DH will be home for 2 weeks to help, which means their visits would be more "helpful" after he returns. After all c-sections are rough, so having planned help for week 3 would be "just perfect".

But, I also don't think it's too rude to say "hey, my husband has that time off and we really want it to be just us and make the most of his time off, but we'd be happy to have you visit after x-date". Of course, my husband works 70 hour weeks and getting time off is like getting teeth pulled, so most of my family would immediately respect that.

Or you could be more proactive and just plan the dates your family will be visiting and pretend you never even considered them coming up that early. "Mom, so you'll be coming up around the 15th of February, right? I can't wait to see you."
DD- 11/17/08, DD- 11/16/09, DS Due- 3/24/13 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickersLilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 9:16 AM
Idani
Not Ranked
Joined on 03-05-2012
2,768 Posts
34,610 Points
Idani is online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 3:20 PMSilver
I would just be honest.  With a c-section your recovery can be rough. Explain that that first two weeks with your husband you aren't up for company.  I would tell your mom her help would be better after your husband went back to work. I would tell your sister that you aren't up for her and her TWO toddlers that soon after surgery. 
 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 9:21 AM
drpayne
Not Ranked
Joined on 12-26-2009
4,156 Posts
25,742 Points
drpayne is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 3:24 PMSilver

Idani:
I would just be honest.  With a c-section your recovery can be rough. Explain that that first two weeks with your husband you aren't up for company.  I would tell your mom her help would be better after your husband went back to work. I would tell your sister that you aren't up for her and her TWO toddlers that soon after surgery. 

 

This.  Just be honest.  IMO, they're the ones being rude by assuming it's okay for them to stay with you.

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 9:30 AM
Allycat11
Not Ranked
Joined on 12-19-2010
6,911 Posts
52,438 Points
Allycat11 is not online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 1:01 PMGold

Idani:
I would just be honest.  With a c-section your recovery can be rough. Explain that that first two weeks with your husband you aren't up for company.  I would tell your mom her help would be better after your husband went back to work. I would tell your sister that you aren't up for her and her TWO toddlers that soon after surgery. 

This is how I would handle it as well.  There is no way I would want that many extra people in my house right after giving birth, especially after a C-section. 


Lilypie First Birthday tickers
11/2010- Diagnosed with PCOS
BFP #1 10/10/2011 EDD 6/19/2012; Natural M/C 10/31/2011 @ 8wks
BFP #2 5/10/2012 EDD 1/14/2013: Baby Girl born 1/12/2013 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 9:48 AM
keg
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-24-2002
4,875 Posts
8,697 Points
keg is online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 3:08 PMSilver
With your sister, I'd also be really hesitant to have two toddlers around a newborn that really don't need to be there since toddlers are little germ carriers. 
2004-Started TTC; Nov 2007-Lap with endo removed; Jan 2008-Ectopic (mtx); April 2008-IVF #1 (bfp, twin girls); March 2011-FET (cp); June 2012-IVF #2 (bfp, singleton girl)

***Twin fraternal girls born at 35w6d in 12/2008 by c-section***

***Singleton girl born at 41w4d in 3/2013 by natural VBAC*** 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 11:01 AM
mhickey426
Not Ranked
Joined on 12-17-2008
brooklyn, NY
1,036 Posts
11,613 Points
mhickey426 is not online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 1:45 PMBronze

i think you need to be up front with your sister about not coming for the first 2 weeks. Tell her the truth which is not rude.  It is what you want.

I do think it is rude to say to your mom thanks for sleeping in the hospital with me but now that I'm home and don't need you anymore you have to go. I get that you want to bond with your new baby but you are being rude by telling your mom that she has to leave.  I would tell her to come after the 2 weeks also with your sister if you don't want her there.  I wouldn't want to fly in for 3 days just to fly home if I was her.

Why do you have to have her in the hospital with you?  Just ask them all to wait the 2 weeks 
Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 11:25 AM
SWOG31
Not Ranked
Joined on 03-15-2007
Houston
1,385 Posts
4,894 Points
SWOG31 is not online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 2:16 PMBronze

I think you may have a slightly touchy situation with your mom since you are having her stay with you in the hospital.  I would probably give a little on this one because I wouldn't know how to kick my mom to the curb once I was discharged.

With your sister, I think you should just be up front about having no visitors for 2 weeks.
?/25 my chart  
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 12:04 PM
dande2129
Not Ranked
Joined on 12-09-2011
2,559 Posts
22,502 Points
dande2129 is not online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 10:52 AMSilver

jvaeth2012:
Just be honest and get right to the point. Tell them that you don't want any visitors right away, that you would like time with just your Dh, son and LO to get adjusted before people start coming to stay. My only concern is that you said that your mom was already going to be there to stay with you in the hospital. Are you planning on sending her on her way once you are discharged? That might be a little harder to do if she has been there with you already. But as far as anyone else coming just say NO.

All of this.

I don't have close OOT family, so it's hard for me to imagine, but I think it's rude of your sister/mom to assume that she will be staying with you with two toddlers after you've just had a baby. I think it's rude for anyone to expect to stay with a new mother/new parents, really.

FI and I have close immediate families, and my side is always very respectful of space and boundaries in any situation, but FI's family is very suffocating at times. They have great intentions, but they don't recognize appropriate space and boundaries. We all get together every Saturday, so there will be a discussion about our expectations after LO arrives. At that time, we will be as respectful of their feelings, but as blunt as we possibly be so that there is not any confusion. It's far better for you to deal with this now than when you've just had major surgery and a newborn. 
Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 2:12 PM
Disneygeek...
Not Ranked
Joined on 01-14-2003
7,044 Posts
21,315 Points
Disneygeek77 is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 9:40 PMGold

Telling your sister you don't want her grubby germ filled children around your precious angels and you don't want to bother with her sorry butt would be rude and mean.

Telling your sister that you guys want to focus on your own little family at this time and would appreciate if she visited at a later time is perfectly fine.

My point is that what you want is totally reasonable and justified, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your sister your wishes and desires.  That is not rude or mean, you would have to go out of your way to be rude or mean to your sister and give her a response like what I first posted. 

 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 3:09 PM
SouthernMo...
Not Ranked
Joined on 06-20-2012
123 Posts
2,754 Points
SouthernMom70 is not online. Last active: 01-24-2013, 12:47 PMNewbie
Thanks for all of the suggestions! As for mom staying in the hospital with me - she won't be flying in. She lives out of state, yes, but it's within driving distance...only about a three-hour drive, actually. So it's not really a big deal, travel-wise, for her to come stay with me in the hospital and then go home and come back in a couple of weeks. I don't stay in hospitals by myself. You can if you want to, but I'm going to have someone there with me. Since our son will function better with DH at home with him, that leaves mom to stay with me. After reading some of these suggestions, I broached the subject with her, about the two-week moratorium on overnight visitors, and she took it well. She just said she'd be there if I needed her during those weeks but otherwise she'd plan to return when DH goes back to work. Now let's see what happens with my sister. :-)
BabyFruit Ticker Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 3:13 PM
RJM050705
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-05-2002
Seattle
1,418 Posts
15,770 Points
RJM050705 is online. Last active: 05-22-2013, 3:11 PMBronze
I told my mom (she's the only possible overnight guest) and have mentioned it to a few others as it's come up, "We'd really like it to be just the 3 of us that first week.  DH will only have that week off work and we'd like to focus on bonding as a family.  Plus, LO and I will be trying to figure out nursing and I'd prefer some privacy for that.  If someone wants to drop by for 30 mins, bring food, do my dishes - awesome!  But longer visits will need to wait a bit."  My mom lives in AZ (I'm in WA) and she is NOT happy about this, but she knows to wait to buy her plane ticket. ;)  My dad knows also, but I need to remember to tell my ILs!
Rebecca :)

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 3:34 PM
Mitsya
Not Ranked
Joined on 11-16-2006
183 Posts
3,318 Points
Mitsya is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 2:48 PMNewbie

"We're looking forward to everyone meeting the baby, but please understand that we need to have plenty of family bonding time without any overnight guests at first.  We will let you know when we're all up for guests to come for a stay."

I would leave out any dates or time periods, no matter how tentative, as you'll start getting calls that morning *telling* you when so & so will be arriving with the kids, dogs, & goldfish.  You can't be expected to be ready to host guests at their whim a mere two weeks after major abdominal surgery.  If they need to come before you're ready to have people stay over, then they can stay in a nearby hotel.
Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 4:03 PM
Kingston54
Not Ranked
Joined on 04-24-2009
9,895 Posts
27,965 Points
Kingston54 is not online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 11:24 PMGold
I think the easiest way is to just explain it as you did here, be honest, they should understand - especially your sister with the toddlers!
Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
01-04-2013 at 8:44 PM
dalzien
Not Ranked
Joined on 12-03-2010
261 Posts
4,838 Points
dalzien is not online. Last active: 05-21-2013, 12:49 PMNewbie
mhickey426:

i think you need to be up front with your sister about not coming for the first 2 weeks. Tell her the truth which is not rude.  It is what you want.

I do think it is rude to say to your mom thanks for sleeping in the hospital with me but now that I'm home and don't need you anymore you have to go. I get that you want to bond with your new baby but you are being rude by telling your mom that she has to leave.  I would tell her to come after the 2 weeks also with your sister if you don't want her there.  I wouldn't want to fly in for 3 days just to fly home if I was her.

Why do you have to have her in the hospital with you?  Just ask them all to wait the 2 weeks 

 I agree with this. It's one thing to tell your sister and her 2 children no, but when your mother goes out of her way to spend the time to help you in the hospital the least you could do is let her stay with you. She'll probably want to help around the house, and you could always let her know that you and DH will need some time to yourselves... but asking her to give up the time and then send her on her way because you no longer need her is rude, and selfish. If she doesn't need to spend the time in the hospital with you then feel free to tell her no like your sister, with no ill feelings. 
 
Report Abuse
Reply
Quote
Hot Topics

New dad or dad-to-be? Chat with other dads here!
Visit the Dads & Dads-to-be board

Need baby shower inspiration? Get ideas here!
Visit the Baby Showers board

Chat with other crafty moms here!
Visit the Crafty Moms board

search boards

choose another board

most active posters
sunlavende...
967 posts
BayleighPa...
914 posts
minicheezb...
416 posts
sheacox
372 posts
Nest Cayla
367 posts
*Mrs*Rohrb...
237 posts
Love4Labs3...
202 posts
jertie
107 posts
KimberHill...
71 posts
sarisosrWe...
50 posts

connect with these online bumpies
Fianschneid mnbv9502!
huckleberrysmom mello13
sleepy33 kayash
nccolli9 BayleighPaws
jfresh erinvilleneuve
MRoss1982 lefender
apastinack Brea16
peacelove&mama Katie619
uconnhuskie007 Darbie914
michyme123 ninadenyse
numberonemama moonaggie
Marneth Lmsr17
suzalie ShellyM2011
TheSoonToBeMrsStaab Libby1978
beebanjo MagPie 1986
From The Nest Boards:
"Female friend too close for comfort?"
cate1st on Relationships

"Do your single friends not 'get' it?"
Rwilsonny on Family Matters